2011/10/19

The Socialist Dream

There still seems to be some confusion on the definition of socialism. Technically, a Socialist State would take place after a worker's rebellion against the government and corporate owners. However, some people think that Socialism means the government controlling everything. For this task, we shall analyze one situation, and view how it would be handled in a Capitalist Society, the beginning phase of a Socialist Society (immediately after the revolt), the advanced stage of Socialism, and then finally, a True Communist State. We may also wish to re-consider the phrases "forced labor" and "freedom."

Fernando likes to sit around his apartment all day and do nothing except smoke weed and play video games. He does not have a job because he is too lazy to go out and find a job. Simply put, Fernando does not want a job. Fernando gets out of bed around 3:00 PM, is overweight and out of shape, and only leaves the house to go to Wal Mart to buy necessities: Banquet Frozen Dinners, Twinkies, and Pabst Blue Ribbon straight out of a tin can. Furthermore, while at Wal Mart, lazy Fernando does not even bother getting dressed, his fat gut hangs out from his shirt, and his stinky gross ass feet inside those black and white single strap sandals made headline news on the “Seen at Wal Mart” website.

Let’s have a look at how this subject is handled in the various systems:

Capitalism: The government will send Fernando a check every month along with a card to purchase his Twinkies and beer. The money is generated as the government implies heavy taxes on the working class, people who cannot even afford this shit themselves, and the IRS will go to extreme measures in order to obtain this money. A certain portion of the population, roughly 1-2% have more wealth than the working class combined and they do not contribute at all. Instead, they make charitable donations to television stations to run advertisements declaring that this lifestyle is a representation of freedom. Furthermore, they may eventually grow tired of Fernando smoking marijuana in his own home, and will have their little cronies known as the police come over and place Fernando in a prison for a victimless violation…the prison is also funded by the workers.

“That’s freedom!”

Socialist A: Recognizing that Fernando is a lazy piece of shit, the people no longer give Fernando anything. He is evicted from his home, given zero handouts, and basically forgotten about until he gets a job.

“Uhhh”

Socialist B (under “forced labor”): The people discover that Fernando is receiving equal benefits despite the fact he does nothing but sit on his lazy ass all God damn day smoking weed and playing video games. Finding this deplorable act of inhumanity inexcusable for the well-being of society, the agency assigns Fernando to work as a dishwasher in a nursing home. For his work as a dishwasher, he now receives equal benefits as the rest of society. Fernando has a home, a gas grill, many of the video games he loves, a computer with High Speed Internet, reliable transportation, two weeks’ vacation annually, health care, and even some say as what ingredients should go into Twinkies. (Unfortunately, the committee voted against him, and even in this “ideal” Socialist society, the cream filling will not, sadly, be replaced with Pabst Blue Ribbon.) In some areas, Fernando may be fined $25 or so for using marijuana.

“Who the fuck are they to say Pabst can’t go in Twinkies? A dishwasher shouldn’t be making the same amount as me, I’m a truck driver. You can’t make somebody wash dishes if they don’t want to.”

True Communist State: The people have recognized Fernando’s condition. After careful review, Fernando is given more marijuana for free. He has been assigned a year of secondary education in which he studies programming, graphic design, and even courteous customer service. Tuition is free because money no longer exists. Fernando now works as a computer engineer designing video games specifically to be enjoyed while stoned on weed, because pot is now legal too. His compensation is exactly that of the person who assigned him to the school for they are all equal. He has a home, electricity, and even an individualized aircraft that does not run off gasoline because the world is no longer committed to profiteering.

“Fuck that! Sounds like faggot shit to me! Are you one of them Mexicans? Fucking Mexicans, faggots, jews, niggers, fucking assholes, fucking Arabs, these mother fuckers with blue hair and pins their noses, listening to all that shit with the fucking cuss words in it…all these commie mother fuckers—fuck that shit. If I see a commie, I’ll kill that mother fucker. It ain’t right. It ain’t what no mother fucking Jesus nor the God damn Lord said was natural. It ain’t right!”

“If this happens, we are fucked. Quick, think of something to make sure nobody finds out about it. Tell them it’s about being a dictator. Say Hitler did this. Say anything. Let’s see if this works- tell everybody that anyone who doesn't captialism is unpatriotic and a criminal. We are the only people who know freedom and we mustn't let these others jeopardize what we have”




The Top 100 Songs of 1992

The Best of 1992 + McQuestion Marks???

Chapter 1: The Most Famous Restaurant in the Galaxy
Chapter 2: Worst Case Scenario; A Party Gone Awry
Chapter 3: Merle's First Day on the Job
Chapter 4: Vultures and Empty Saviours

Chapter I: The Most Famous Restaurant in the Galaxy


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.



100. King Missile
"King Murdock"  0:54
Happy Hour
New York, NY

At 6:00 AM, every single alarm clock in the community sounded at once. No one hit the snooze button as they all rose from their beds with jubilant enthusiasm. Many of them were already dressed; those who weren't simply left the house in their badly patterned wrinkled bed clothes. Bonnie had fallen asleep wearing high heels and an elegant skirt- she was prepared. 

This was the big day that had been circled on the calendar for months! 

All at once, every single person in the neighborhood simultaneously dashed out of their homes, into their cars, and raced towards the special event. Today was the Grand Opening of the new McDonald's-- which meant that the town of Lestersboro (Population: 1,309) had officially become a blossoming city.

99. Beastie Boys
"So What'cha Want"  3:37
Check Your Head
New York, NY

With rapid and sheer intensity, the entirety of the population's density, the fine folks gathered from all over the world and lined up at the drive-thru window to order moderately edible substances. Thousands of them... THOUSANDS!!!  MILLIONS!!!  ...wrapped around the building, lined up around the block, gathered in masses, stampeding one another as if an Amish mule was let loose during the mayhem of a major holiday sale. Most customers simply incoherently grunted a single number that identified the value meal while others spoke languidly about the last experience they had at a McDonald's exactly 368 miles from this location. One-by-one, growing into the thousands, money flew out the window, paper bags entered the car, the customer flees, and returned shortly afterwards... some to eat again, some because the restaurant fucked up everything, some to get extra packets of sauce, some to attempt to obtain the phone number of the person working the counter.

98. Daisy Chainsaw
"Love Your Money"  2:42
Eleventeen
London, England

Every restaurant owner holds aspirations to be awarded "The Best Restaurant in the World." The entrepreneurs of these establishments attempt numerous ploys and marketing schemes to lure potential customers into their establishments... which may include: 

  • free gifts 
  • a rewards program 
  • blatant lies 
  • false advertising 
  • deceptive tactics to make people believe they are preserving the balance of The Universe


In order to promote the sheer greatness of the products sold in their restaurant, businesses utilize an array of elegant adjectives to describe their food and actually place a strong emphasis on superb quality... such as offering fine gourmet exquisite foods as soon on The Rachael Ray Show, selecting only the finest choice ingredients (as also seen on The Rachael Ray Show), providing elegant interior decorations, and some even offer discounts to discounts and reserve selected parking spaces for senior  citizens. Despite all of this, the most popular restaurant on Earth, by far, is McDonald's.*

* (Many of the world's leading economists and conspiracy theorists have implied that it was the willingness to appeal to old  people that ultimately caused most other restaurants to lose business. Surveys have indicated that the #1 most preferred restaurant for persons over the age of 65 is the cafeteria at the retirement home-- old people do not like going out and dealing with traffic. Because McDonald's obviously does not give a remote flying fuck about the satisfaction of a bunch  of old bastards**, they have enjoyed the luxury of serving billions.)

** (Many of the world's top theologists have suggested that McDonald's places disease causing substances in their food to make people die younger so that they will never*** have to deal with old people at all.)

*** (Many of the world's leading geriatric nurses have given strong indications that a world without old people equates to a prosperous future.)

97. Red House Painters
"24"  6:47
Down Colorful Hill
San Francisco, CA

Delato's was considered a 5-star gourmet restaurant where the average menu item cost $87. The silverware was shiny and always polished; the interior was decorated with expensive antiques and oak tables. To make them appear even more debonair, they even had some creep holed up in the shitter to hand patrons paper towels after they finished taking care of business (in some social circles it is considered courteous to assume people are unable to complete this task off without assistance)(although it creates jobs and nobody wishes to see anyone lose his/her employment, a recent survey showed that 98% of the world are uncomfortable with this person violating their privacy in the shitter and an astonishing 99.8% claimed they absolutely despise having to tip this person.) 

At 6:30 PM, dinner rush, there was not one single person eating at Delato's. Mr. Delato, and his family were the only ones seated in the dining area and the guy in the bathroom was in there jacking off to a pornographic magazine. They wondered when people were going to come inside and enjoy this fine dining and discussed new ways to bring in business. 

Lurking out the window, hundreds of people were lined up at the McDonald's next door. The Delato family saw them and spoke of them as if they were nothing more than white trash and criticized their taste in food. Many of them even resorted to devising theories as how all of them had become stupid as a result of poor parenting and the fact they were eating at McDonald's was a strong  indication that the demise of society was imminent.

McDonald's patrons countered by stating  it was the rich prudes who were the cause of the demise of intellectual society, that their entire image was absolutely dreadful, the food was way overpriced for what little they offered, they spent too much time trying to appeal to old mother fuckers who were about to die anyway, and there was no way they were ever going to give some random cock sucker $5 to stand there in the bathroom and watch him piss. "I can get my own paper towels-- faggot!" said one McDonald's patron to Mr. Delato himself.

96. Ghost
"Orange Sunshine"  7:40
Second Time Around
Tokyo, Japan

McDonald's offers little in terms of quality. In fact, most people have no clue what is even in this shit. 

Meagan sat in her booth, made of colorful uncomfortable plastic, and studied her Egg McMuffin. The egg on this sandwich nowhere near resembled any egg she had ever cooked. This egg was mysteriously round with a bizarre consistency of what she believed might have been the yolk. The accompanying hash browns did not resemble normal hash browns either; nor did they taste like hash browns. These mother fuckers were solid and did not contain any strands of shredded potatoes, It* was perfectly ellipsoidal in shape and presented in a small paper bag that was soaked in grease. 

* In terms of singular/plural consistency, McDonald's hash browns represent one of the greatest paradoxes of all times. "They" are called hash brownS, as if there are more than one of them. "IT" is one single solid bulk of mass.

The fearful tension that developed before placing this terrifying object into her mouth was similar to a frightening scene in a horror movie where some asshole was about look inside the demon's lair for something totally irrelevant—such as a pair of useless blue socks at 4:00 in the morning. Just as the product was about to reach her mouth, the terrifying music played and off in the distance people screamed as a chainsaw revved its engine.

Meagan ate this shit, questioned what in the fuck she was even doing here, felt disgusted about herself, and went to work. She did this exact same routine relative often, and actually looked forward to days that she would be out early enough to have breakfast at McDonald's.

95. Kramer
"Not Guilty"  2:34
The Guilt Trip
New York, NY/Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Many hamburger restaurants boast to have the #1 burger in town. They will claim to use only the best quality meat, topped with the freshest ingredients, and grilled to perfection. 

Not McDonald's. The ingredients in their burgers consists of Mc????. The bun does not taste like a regular bun either. 

The question remains: Where the fuck do they find this shit? 

The Mc???? burgers are topped with toppings that would never meet the approval of the local grocery store specialist. These mother fuckers do not even have tomatoes. Not one single person has ever made a burger at home that even resembled a McDonald's burger; nor has a farmer ever grown a crop that tasted like any of the shit they put on the burgers.

94. Denim
"Middle of the Road"  4:15
Middle of the Road
London, England

Some establishments market using the "sex sells" moniker. Places such as Hooter's will feature big breasted scantily dressed women delivering $12 burgers that were supposedly made of elegance. 

Not McDonald's. These mother fuckers went with a creepy looking clown, some glob of purple shit, a known felon, and some fucked up little fry guy mother fuckers. Nobody would willingly fuck Ronald McDonald if he/she were sober, and Grimace was never considered for People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" (assuming he is indeed a man). One McDonald's restaurant does more business than 5 Hooter's restaurants combined.

93. Polvo
"Duped"  2:57
Cor-Crane Secret
Chapel Hill, NC

McDonald's French fries do not even moderately taste like "normal" French fries. Perhaps they are made with McPotatoes, which consists of more Mc question marks. It is highly doubtful that these things are made with only the most fresh top quality potatoes grown in McIdaho. However, McDonald's French Fries have revolutionized the entire French Fry industry. In a recent survey, all (yes ALL- zero exceptions) all 387 trillion participants from across The Universe indicated that McDonald's was by far the superior favorite French Fry in the entire galaxy. 

There is no known solution that has unraveled the mystery as to why these French Fries taste the way they do. Several have claimed to know the secret and have even claimed that they can make French Fries that taste exactly like McDonald's (another survey revealed that every single one of these claims has been a hoax and therefore boasting the ability to make French Fries that taste EXACTLY like McDonald's holds as much relevance as being abducted by aliens.) Some have theorized that the French Fries are manufactured in a French Fry factory and prepared by McOompa Loompas. Ore Ida has been attempting to identify this secret for decades, and even has spies perched in the McCorporate Office building trying to figure out what exactly is in these McMother Fuckers.

92. Love Spirals Downwards
"Love's Labour's Lost"  2:30
Idylls
Los Angeles, CA

Coke at McDonald's does not taste like regular Coke either. In fact, there is no way they should even have the right to refer to this product as "Coke", because, simply put, it is not Coke. 

The next question: Why would Coke allow another restaurant to use their name on a product that isn't their own? 

The answer is simple: McCoke is significantly better tasting than regular Coca Cola Classic; it is actually the Coka Cola company who prospers from this name and meanwhile, McDonald's actually suffers from having to share the name of their glorious product with the shit in the red cans sold in stores. 

In a recent survey, 71% of the billions that had been served, claimed they would prefer if Coke in bottles and cans tasted exactly like the McCoke instead of the regular product sold in stores. Furthermore, many experts have suggested that if Coke did decide to use McDonald's recipe for their product, sales would increase 397%. You heard it here first.

91. Angelo Badalamenti
"The Black Dog Runs at Night"  1:49
Twin Peaks Fire Walk With Me
New York, NY

One person filmed a documentary in which he ate at McDonald's three times a day, every day, for a month. He claimed this led to health complications and various other disorders. Although his film received some notoriety, critical acclaim, and was enjoyed by viewers, it failed to deter people from eating at McDonald's. Some argued that if you eat anywhere 3 times a day, every day for a month, the exact same shit would happen. The average person knows McDonald's is not to be consumed daily-- nothing is, except maybe McPabst Blue Ribbon. Also, nobody has ever indicated that McDonald's is as healthy as eating fresh vegetables.

90. Blind Mr. Jones
"Regular Disease"  4:11
Stereo Musicale
Marlow, England

Jim-Bob ate at McDonald's every single day his entire life. Even at the age of 46, Jim-Bob still enjoyed the fine dining of McDonald's and would often resort to Playland to bounce inside the playpen with the balls. People warned Jim-Bob to stop eating at McDonald's so frequently or else he would die of dysentery at an early age. Like everybody else, Jim-Bob did, sadly, pass away. The result of his death, at the age of 83, was pnumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanikinosis. He ignored all of the warnings about McDonald's, as well as all the predictions that the neighborhood volcano was soon going to erupt. Significantly less people are aware of the dangers of living near an active volcano because people are increasingly becoming overly concerned about the alleged dangers of eating McDonald's.

89. Darkthrone
"Paragon Belial"  5:25
A Blaze in the Northern Sky
Kolbotn, Norway

Burger King likes to talk a lot of shit about McDonald's. They claim their healthy conscious gourmet burgers are flame broiled over a God damn grill... unlike the mysterious ploys in which McDonald's uses to cook its questionable products. 

It does not say much about the quality of their burgers when the only establishment they can disparage is McDonald's. You don't hear anybody else claiming to have superior "quality" over McDonald's. There's crack dealers that won't suggest that their product is more healthy than McDonald's because it is considered a waste of time to state the obvious.

Furthermore, 9 out of 10 people prefer McDonald's over Burger King. However, Burger King has utilized some brutal tactics to belittle McDonald's even stooping so low as to creating a commercial depicting the creepy Burger King anal raping Ronald McDonald and then beheading him in a guillotine for being unable to produce a male child. 

One evening, there was a gang fight behind a shopping center between rival gangs Burger King Employees vs. McDonald's Employees. Some cat from Burger King referred to a Big Mac as McShit, and ended up getting his fucking throat sliced.

88. Showbiz & A.G.
"Soul Clap (Short Version)"  4:04
Runaway Slave
New York, NY

One strategic marketing device McDonald's employs is the notion that eating at McDonald's is fun... "Food... Folks... and Fun" they call it. Marketing strategists have made it sound as if people enter McDonald's to enjoy celebratory festivities. However, when people attempt to engage in "fun" celebrations at McDonald's, they are escorted out of the premises by security. Thurston, Betty Jean, and Rupert Mae rolled a keg of Milwaukee's Best Light into McDonald's in order for their folks to have some fun and the God damn cops came in and shot all of them.

Furthermore, nobody ever plans banquet celebrations at McDonald's. Even mentioning hosting any sort of formal event such as a rehearsal dinner at McDonald's is grounds for ridicule. Of the billions and billions that have been served, only 7 of them had ever eaten McDonald's for their wedding ceremony.... and all seven of them resided in Texas.

87. 22-Pistepirkko
"I'm Right"  3:22
Big Lupu
Utajärvi, Finland

Very few people will even confess to liking McDonald's. 

In ordinary conversation, people will exclaim that McDonald's is a demonic problem and their mere existence is the cause of most of the world's problems. People will sit around and complain that McDonald's is unhealthy, that it is of poor quality, a despicable corporation, their shit is not even real food, and the people who eat there are foolish imbeciles who know nothing of quality life. That, should any person ever eat at McDonald's, they are in violation of a strict code of ethics the human race has deemed as protocol. 

Some have even passionately shouted the dangers of McDonald's in the faces of those unsuspecting persons standing in line in front of them at the grocery store. Heated arguments involving the ingredients of the food has divided families. Many have arranged violent protests against McDonald's and have created signs and shouted slogans at the patrons as if they are entering an abortion clinic.* Missiles have been dropped and executions have been employed to settle disputes about McDonald's.

In the end however, after the long series of complaints and gang warfare, many of the combatants can be seen in the long line at the drive-thru window because all this complaining made them crave a Big Mac.

*Most people who claim to be Anti-McDonald's are Pro-Abortion.**

** Many to the world's leading random assholes who claim to have a friend working for the USDA have suggested that abortion clinics are funded by McDonald's who purchase the 3rd trimester aborted fetuses*** for "unknown uses." Although nobody knows, we all know.

*** Many of the world's leading environmentalists have claimed that recycling abortion remains is safer than a Christian "proper" burial. Furthermore, many of the world's leading stem-cell researchers have claimed that great tasting French Fries is more important than devising cures for spinal injuries.



86. PJ Harvey
"Victory"  3:16
Dry
Yeovil, England

Many establishments will put forth great effort to create a logo design that is both artistic and eye appealing. Many of today's leading fashion experts agree that the logo is the #1 most important aspect for successful business endeavors. Some might even put forth such great effort designing the logo that they go completely insane and the would be business entrepreneur winds up in the padded room of an insane asylum.

Not McDonald's. They simply went with the most generic looking as possible of a logo and named it "The Golden Arches." 

Despite the fact that this logo is as non-appealing to the appetite as some of the logos employed by funeral homes, travelers will overlook some of the world's most prestigious landmarks in search of "Golden Arches" off an exit on the expressway. Prolonged periods without seeing a McDonald's may cause stress, and sometimes terror for people travelling long distances on the highways.

85. Sun Dial
"Slow Motion"  5:16
Reflecter
UK

McDonald's is referred to as "fast" food. However, due to the wait in line, it may take longer to get a meal from McDonald's than it would to dine at a "real" restaurant that features appetizers and desserts. The United States population is completely divided as to how long people are willing to wait in line for a delicious meal before they storm out the door shouting profanity at anyone who is willing to listen.

On one extreme, some people are willing to wait hours, days, sometimes even weeks to receive their meal. In Billingsworth, Kansas, the wait was so long that 417 people dropped dead of starvation while waiting in line for because the fry cooker had supposedly malfunctioned. The remaining 2,974 patrons were filmed by the Red Cross in a ploy for American white folks to donate money to them for famine relief. Nobody donated a God damn dime and they all finally resorted to cannibalism and completely devoured the entire Red Cross crew as well as the mother fucker who was summoned to repair the French Fry deep fryer.

On the other extreme, Gilbert walked in, stood at the back of the line during the lunch hour rush (was 16th in line) and immediately proceeded to complain out loud about how this was "such fucking bullshit." Although nobody was paying him one bit of attention, Gilbert loudly offered suggestions as to what "they need to do."

"They need to hire more people is what they need to do," Gilbert said out loud angrily, as if his business was enormously more successful than McDonald's--as if his business had ever witnessed any sort of rush similar to this. "I'll tell you what I'd do, I'd open up another register. Hell, I'd fire some of these mother fuckers!"

Also, because McDonald's has an extremely high turn-over ratio in employees, with extraordinary seniority granted after a full three weeks of employment, many McDonald's employees have no clue what they are doing. It is not considered prestigious to work at McDonald's, and only a certain type of individual ever even applies for employment there. Yet, people work there anyway...and they supposedly pay their employees well and offer a full benefits package.

Brandon had been working there for years and actually enjoyed it. However, he was disgusted with his lowered perception in society and that finally got the best of him.

"Yea," he shouted at Gilbert as he was climbing across the counter, "well nobody gives a flying fuck what you would do old man." Brandon proceeded to beat Gilbert senselessly with a tire iron and knocked all of his fucking teeth out and left him lying in a puddle of blood on the floor.

"May I help you," he said with a pleasant smile to next person in line. Nobody gave a fuck about Gilbert... they were on their lunch break and their unsuccessful high paying corporate job only allotted them 30 minutes for lunch, which as we all know, is not nearly enough time to give a remote flying fuck about some dim-witted redneck running his mouth at McDonald's.

84. Earwig
"When You're Quiet"  6:06
Under My Skin I Am Laughing
UK

The uniforms at McDonald's are grotesque and there is no way any person would ever wear these clothes unless they were getting paid to do so. However, every single person in line would like to fuck at least one of the employees. In some cases, customers will even fantasize about McOrgies taking place with the sundae toppings. 

Outside of McDonald's, when these employees are allowed to dress in better clothing… they are rarely the subject of sexual fantasies. It is only when they are dressed in the ugly attire that makes them the most appealing. This is another McParadox that is frequently discussed in the Grand Scheme of Things monthly board meeting.

83. The Jayhawks
"Take Me With You (When You Go)"  4:50
Hollywood Town Hall
Minneapolis, MN

Clarence, sadly, passed away last evening- he was 86. He had been a good person, faithful to the lord, active in church, a youth minister, and his record had but a couple sinful blemishes. After passing, he was easily permitted into heaven, and greeted with smiles by the angels, God, and Jesus. The heavenly fathers escorted Clarence into his new domain, Paradise, where he was re-united with his dearest friends and family members who had also, sadly, passed away. 

However, there was trouble in Paradise...there was no McDonald's. Clarence was permitted to eat only the finest foods, which were plentiful and readily available. Unfortunately, Clarence requested that he be sent down to Hell, because they had a McDonald's. He questioned all of the good deeds he ever did during life and wished he had been a serial killer instead- at least he'd have a McDonald's.

82. Marc Ribot
"Disposable Head"  2:51
Requiem for What's-His-Name
Newark, NJ

Several of today's top anthropologists have devised the notion that the United States has become a "fast-food nation" by claiming that people eat despicable unhealthy garbage only because it is affordable and they have very little time to eat anything else. 

There is extensive validity to this statement. Right this very moment, 51% of all McDonald's patrons currently in line are only eating at McDonald's right now due to lack of funds and lack of time. 

However, the other 49% have an abundance of money in the bank and have enough time to prepare even a Thanksgiving dinner if they desired. They are eating at McDonald's by choice. In an ideal situation, at least one of the people eating at McDonald's by choice will have selected to donate their body to science and their brains may be dissected to offer the solution to what causes this dilemma.

Unfortunately, nobody offered to do this, and therefore a group of science students from the University of Yale kidnapped the person they observed eating McDonald's most frequently for that particular month  (August of 1966). They sedated the victim, strapped him to a chair, and removed the top of his head to study his brain. Once the top of the skull was removed, they discovered that this particular cranium contained two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, and a sesame seed bun.

81. Curve
"Sandpit"  3:27
Doppelgänger
London, England

Peggy had thoroughly believed all of the reports and allegations that McDonald's was terminally hazardous to the health, caused kidney cancer after just minimum consumption, the restaurant was poisoning the minds of children, and the only people who ate there were degenerate shit faces with severe psychological issues. She forbid her husband, Harold, from ever eating there. 

Peggy's mother had contracted some sort of thyroid issue and was hospitalized this morning, and Harold had to leave work to drive Peggy 3 hours to go see mother in the hospital. They were pressed for time, and fortunately for Harold, McDonald's was the only fast-food option on the exit. Peggy complained the entire time about the quality of the burger she scarfed down, complained about the impurities of the French fries- after eating her order entirely and over half of Harold's. On the way home, she complained again- but up-sized her order and also treated herself to a hot fudge sundae and two apple pies.

This shit probably led to mother's thyroid condition.

80. Pale Saints
"Baby Maker"  3:26
In Ribbons
Leeds, England

In the frozen foods sections, grocery stores feature a large selection of ice creams from all sorts of brands. However, not a single one of them taste anything like McDonald's ice cream. 

People have gone to great extremes justifying the fact that everything at McDonald's is gross, unhealthy, and the #1 primary cause of obesity except for their ice cream- which is McYummy! 

It has reached the extreme that most people would prefer to eat their homemade sundaes-- made at actual dairies-- from a clear plastic container with a plastic spoon. There is something about the McPlastic Container that makes the already great sundaes taste even better.

79. Helmet
"Unsung"  3:58
Meantime
New York, NY

The McDonaldland theme characters have been the subject of violent outbursts in the community. People have equated Ronald McDonald with pro-capitalist ideologies and will deface and destroy statues of Ronald McDonald. 

However, pro-Communist leftists claim that McDonald's is, in fact, anti-capitalist because they do not charge $12 for a hamburger + a $4 surcharge if a brother wants some cheese on it. One could argue that McDonald's is the definitive anti-greed organization because of low prices, higher wages, and charitable contributions that benefit children. 

On another hand, some will burn down a statue of Ronald McDonald simply because there are so many of them- and that is has become too large of a chain.

78. The Tear Garden
"The Great Lie"  4:49
The Last Man to Fly
Vancouver, BC  Canada

Children who have never eaten at McDonald's are considered diabolical sociopaths and do not interact well with other kids. A child would have more success confessing to enjoying being fondled by a priest as opposed to declaring the little brat has never eaten at McDonald's. Parents within the community will consider such a dubious act as child negligence if the parents will not permit the child to even try McDonald's. Organizations have been adopted to sneak deprived children cookies and French fries from McDonald's while the County Child Services Committee conducts an investigation on abuse. Courtrooms and juries are more permissible to parents who employ their children to assist them selling crack at the local middle school than the parents who do not allow their kids to ever eat at McDonald's.

77. Už Jsme Doma
"Tradiční Kočka"  7:12
Nemilovaný Svět
Prague, Czech Republic

Some people will pull into McDonald's at 2:00 in the morning. It is considered a tragedy similar to genocide of their own creed if this McDonald's is closed. Then, these people will drive all the way across town, even driving past restaurants of respectable repute that are still open, just to get to the next McDonald's. 

After this long drive in the middle of the night, this out-of-the-way 24 hour location McDonald's will fuck up the entire order and the experience will be downright miserable. 

This serves a career suicide for some establishments. But, not McDonald's. Even after a horrible experience in which the consumer received the wrong order and contracted food poisoning- this person will be eating McDonald's again sometime this week.

76. Lucinda Williams
"Little Angel, Little Brother"  4:26
Sweet Old World
Lake Charles, LA/Mount Joliet, TN

Marilyn had to take a long drive home, late at night. She had taken her children to visit Aunt Rosemary, who was celebrating the fact that she was pregnant and was actually going to have this one. 

It was a great evening, and the kids all had fun. Aunt Rosemary enjoyed seeing Marilyn's children, and being as she was known on a first-name basis at the abortion clinic, she felt something magical in their company...Aunt Rosemary vowed to be a wonderful mother...and even declared she would find a wonderful father for the baby, although that would take a miracle. 

On the way home, the kids in the backseat had been getting a bit cranky, and Marilyn was seconds away from pulling over and beating the shit out of both of them, then making the little bastards walk the rest of the way home (64 miles). Instead, she pulled into McDonald's. 

It changed everything. The kids were suddenly happy, and fell sound asleep in the backseat holding their toys, cheap-ass useless plastic shit from their Happy Meals. Marilyn looked at them sleeping in the rear-view mirror, and smiled contently- this was the happiest moment of her life.



NC-17 SOUNDTRAXXX BEST SONGS OF 1992:  100-76  75-51  50-26  25-#1




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The Top 50 Songs of 1992

The Best of 1992 + McQuestion Marks???

Chapter 1: The Most Famous Restaurant in the Galaxy
Chapter 2: Worst Case Scenario; A Party Gone Awry
Chapter 3: Merle's First Day on the Job
Chapter 4: Vultures and Empty Saviours

Chapter III: Merle's First Day on the Job


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.



50. The Flaming Lips
"Talkin' Bout the Smiling Deathporn Immortality Blues (Everyone Wants to Live Forever)"  3:49
Hit to Death in the Future Head
Oklahoma City, OK

"Yo- listen up niggaz!!!" Merle was prepared to make a huge announcement to all of his friends and family attending the celebrations... "I got a job!!!!!" The crowd cheered, it was indeed a special day, and this was worth celebrating. "Yo homie," Claude said with a happy smile, "what'ch you gonna be doing?" Merle answered, "I'm gonna be driving around... in the company vehicle (this was met with "ooohs and aaahhhs" from the audience)... scooping up dead animals off the road."

49. Distorted Pony
"Krank"  3:32
Punishment Room
Los Angeles, CA

Inside the office of the RCC (Roadkill Clean-up Committee) was a fast paced hectic environment. Merle arrived for his first day on the job at 3:00 AM, just as he was scheduled. There were several other groups already there, and the bustle was in full swing this early in the morning. This was to be a busy day, as team members were assigned specific areas, given clipboards, photographs of dead rodents, and various other urgent sets of orders. Everybody was moving as quickly as possible, some even running through the warehouse area. The foreman specified the urgency of this mission, particularly today, a good job needed to be done.

48. Beat Happening
"Tiger Trap"  6:53
You Turn Me On
Olympia, WA

The foreman, Greg Landes, called Merle back into his office- he needed to fill out his introductory employee paperwork- tax information and all of that. While filling out the forms, Merle looked around observing Greg's office. Apparently the company had won numerous awards, Outstanding Customer Service, Friendliest Roadkill Removal Crew 7 years straight. There was a photo of Greg Landes standing beside a man in an elegant suit, they were holding up a trophy, in Greg's other hand, a dead skunk; both men were smiling. Greg's office was a mess. There were various notes, photos of dead animals, and the extra shovel behind his seat. Greg entered, smoking a cigarette, urged Merle to be a bit quicker..."you guys need to get going, you have a deer."

47. Tom Waits
"Black Wings"  4:38
Bone Machine
Pomona, CA

Merle was assigned to ride with Socko High, once considered the baddest mother fucker in North Dakota. Socko had done time in the state penitentiary for manslaughter. He was sentenced to 15 years, but ended up serving 19 due to some infractions within the prison. Needless to say, Socko High is not affiliated with the term "good behavior"; Socko was on parole, reporting probation for life. He constantly had an intense look on his face, his hands were rough, his arms lean, his tattoos were of piss poor quality and generic. Rumor had it, the tattoo artist who inked his forearms was the victim in which Socko was finally sentenced. Socko was voted least likely to ever wear eyeliner, and kindness to him meant not killing you. "You ever done this shit before?" His voice was raspy, and the tone was as nasty as the fur and bloodstains scattered on the vehicle's floorboard. "No," Merle was honest. "Well, you can't fuck up in this business!"

46. Swans
"Her"  5:24
Love of Life
New York, NY

Socko analyzed the clipboard, slowed down, and turned on the brights. He was searching. "OK, there it is." Up ahead, there was a dead possum in the middle of the road. Socko stopped the vehicle and turned on the flashers. Both got out of the vehicle. "OK," Socko explained, "this is the first one on our orders. The shovels, right here. And, there's gloves right here...you always want to wear gloves. Now, what you do, is you take the shovel, and get it wedged underneath the thing. Sometimes you'll have it where one of their legs is sticking up, or sometimes, they will already be stiff. I'll show ya' what to do when its' stiff. The worse is when it has been smashed in, mother fuckers keep running the damn thing over and it's almost impossible to scrape up. This one's still pretty fresh."

45. Royal Trux
"Lightning Boxer"  5:58
Untitled (3rd LP)
Chicago, IL

Socko maneuvered the shovel underneath the dead possum, and with a quick slide, had the possum scooped onto the shovel. He hoisted the dead animal off of the ground, and while carefully instructing the Merle, tossed the dead possum into the back of the truck. "Now, when you've got it out of the road, you have to fill out this paperwork. You have to check off whether or not it was flattened, estimate how long it had been dead. You have to estimate the weight, that is important...that thing weighed about 10 pounds I guess. You ain't got to put it on a scale, just guesstimate. Then, you have to check it off, and sign it. Later, I'll show you what to do if we get to one and its gone already. The completed papers go here, and it’s important to keep organized. The last thing you want is to go down the same road twice, looking around for a dead pigeon you scooped up earlier in the day- its just a waste of time."

44. Thinking Fellers Union Local 282
"Hummingbird in a Cube of Ice"  4:05
Mother of All Saints
San Francisco, CA

Socko pulled over on the next block where a dead bird was lying on the side of the road- upside down, legs up in the air. "Birds are easy, and don't ever waste too much time on a bird. If the thing ain't smashed, then you don't even need a shovel. You just put on the gloves, pick the thing up, and toss it into the back. Just make sure you fill out the paperwork. For the weight, most birds are light, so just enter one pound. And brush the feathers off the gloves before getting back in the truck."

43. Luna
"Anesthesia"  3:41
Lunapark
New York, NY

"You got any questions?" Merle thought as if he should ask a question, "yeah, where do we take them all?" Socko responded: "OK, I can tell right now that you and me ain't gonna get along. The problem with you is that you ask too many questions. If we're going to get along, and do this shit together, you gotta stop asking so many fucking questions! What the fuck do you care where this shit's going? Ain't none of your damn business. What? You trying to set the world on fire with this shit? You trying to be Mr. Roadkill Cleanup Man? No. The proper response should always be... no. I ain't got no fucking questions."

42. The Nation of Ulysses!
"50,000 Watts of Goodwill"  4:05
Plays Pretty For Baby
Washington, D.C.

Delvin was driving down the road and spotted a dead deer on the side of the road- he was not the one who struck it with his vehicle. However, he grew excited, pulled over his vehicle, and approached the dead deer with a set of shears. Delvin walked over to the dead deer, jabbed the shears into the side of his neck, and proceeded to cut off the deer's head- it was a 12 point buck. Blood spilled onto the road, all over Delvin's clothes, as he struggled to finally get the head completely detached. Holding up the head by its’ antlers, he opened his trunk and carefully stored the dead deer's dismembered head into his trunk. The deer had done nothing to deserve this.

41. Ministry
"Psalm 69"  5:30
Psalm 69
Chicago, IL

Delvin drove to the local taxidermy office, carrying the deer's head inside the building, then proceeded to boast about how he shot a good one, and the struggle that ensued. The taxidermist was impressed, he had always dreamed of doing taxidermy. For a fee of $500, in which Delvin gladly paid on credit, the head of the deer was preserved and mounted elegantly onto a wooden frame that now hangs in Delvin's living room. This was duly noted at The Grand Scheme of Things Board Meeting, the film clip of Delvin cutting off the deer's head was reviewed carefully, and Delvin is disregarded as a complete piece of shit throughout the rest of the universe. When time comes to review the worst thing he had ever done, followed with the appropriate punishment, he will see this clip, and suffer a severe lightning strike.

40. The Disposable Heroes of Hyphoprisy
"Television, The Drug of the Nation"  6:39
Hypocrisy is the Greatest Luxury
San Francisco, CA

Meanwhile, the latest television program to be broadcast this evening was the results of the election. As it turned out, the politicians with the most support from corporate sponsorship, the oil industry, banks, church, & TV had won; the people who voted for them had no clue what they even stood for, just thought they presented themselves well on television, and the commentators and commercials claimed this candidate was ideal, was looking out for you, was concerned with your money (meaning: his money).

39. Medicine
"Christmas Song"  8:34
Shot Forth Self Living
Los Angeles, CA

They said it was the deer that had become overpopulated. They said on TV that it was the marijuana that was causing the disturbance, and more tax dollars were needed to put an end to it. They spoke of the importance of our economy (meaning: their economy) and all this assistance was going to be implemented to help Wall Street. Finally feeling they had had enough, the people took to protest, and finally declared war on Wall Street and that one businessman in which there are 487,000 replicate clones. The TV insisted this was not good for America, immediately took the side of Wall Street- the goal: save Wall Street from evil.

38. Supersordo
"Ismo"  3:49
Supersordido
Santiago, Chile

The biggest task assigned to Merle & Socko was the removal of a deer. Greg radioed their vehicle and urged them to, "get your asses down there fast!" A scene was beginning to take precedent, and this was now an emergency. All of the other orders on the clipboard, including the gopher who had been neglected for two weeks now due to an erroneous misplacement of the paperwork and was starting to decompose...all that had to wait. There was something serious taking place with this deer, orders from an unknown source, no matter, just get there now! Socko floored the gas pedal, and legally raced across the highway at a speed of 143 mph.

37. Unrest
"Suki"  3:34
Imperial F.F.R.R.
Arlington, VA

Merle and Socko pulled over to the deer they had been assigned. When they arrived to the scene of the crime, there were also two police cars, a fire truck, and a tow truck. The police were the ones who had called the RCC, the road was blocked and traffic was potentially being slowed down. The head of the deer had been removed. Surprisingly, the police knew Socko—both from working scenes like this and from the parole office and they were friendly towards each other. "Some sick bastard," Officer Watkins informed Socko, "came in and took his head. I'd like to see somebody take that bastard's head and have it stuffed."

36. Paul Weller
"Above the Clouds"  4:13
S/T
London, England

Removal of a deer is sometimes painstaking enough because they can weigh several hundred pounds- dead weight. But, when the head had been chopped off by some degenerate loser, it makes the process much more difficult because blood spills profusely from the neck. The group examined the deer planning on how they were going to lift it into the truck. Although this was routine work for these individuals, there was a degree of sadness for the grotesque outcome the deer had to endure. No person ever mentioned it, but a moment of silence was held in observance for the deer; coupled with extreme disgust for the person responsible for chopping off the head.

35. The Afghan Whigs
"Let Me Lie to You"  4:36
Congregation
Cincinnati, OH

Wanda was the doe who was the daughter of the 12 point buck who had been struck by the vehicle, then had his head mercilessly removed. There had been some danger lurking in the woods, and the family of deer had to escape hastily. The father deer ensured the safety of the others first, but by the time he had to flee, it was too late. Seeing her father getting struck by the car was painful enough, but having to observe some other maniac enter the picture and remove his head made her cry. The Grand Scheme of Things Board Committee has scheduled Delvin to hear the thoughts of Wanda while he was removing his head in a dream two weeks from now. It will also play a huge factor in discounting the human race as a complete failure.

34. Paul Westerberg
"Waiting For Somebody"  3:28
Singles Soundtrack
Minneapolis, MN

Music montage: Most of the time was spent cruising around in the company vehicle searching for roadkill. It was still dark outside, and many of the streets were deserted. Socko would flip through the paperwork, driving down the streets, searching for a dead animal on the side of the road. Sometimes, the paperwork would have the wrong address, and the crew would have to search extra hard. There's one...a skunk. Drive around. There's one... a rabbit. Drive around. There's one...Timmy (the car had avoided Lassie). Drive around. There's one...a crow. Drive around. There's one...a chicken.

33. Yo La Tengo
"Some Kinda Fatigue"  4:34
May I Sing With Me
Hoboken, NJ

And so she asked me, why? Why, Jim? Why Jim do you feel the way that you do? Why is it, Jim, that have these opinions? And I looked at her and replied, "Nigger please, my name ain't Jim! Who the fuck's Jim? Bitch, get the fuck out of here. Jim. I don't even know anybody named Jim. And this bitch is talking some bullshit about some nigger named Jim. Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

32. Soul Asylum
"Runaway Train"  4:27
Grave Dancers Union
Minneapolis, MN

There were so many people living in this community, that they decided it was necessary to build new houses in areas that were once peaceful sanctuaries for wildlife refuge. However, which each sector of suburban sprawl, each new subdivision of houses that look exactly same- to be occupied by people who all act exactly like alike and support the life on Wall Street, each one meant that there was overpopulation of deer and other animals. Deer, rabbits, squirrels, raccoons, and other animals found themselves displaced in nature. Their happy homes destroyed, and they were left a little out of touch with no place to roam. The humans who destroyed their homes even set traps to insist they do not enter this land ever again. The governor signed that ever so important bill to increase hunting. These animals were forced to live their lives on the run, being stalked by Wall Street supporters, as they searched for a new home in this world.

31. 4 Non-Blondes
"Dear Mr. President"  4:43
Bigger, Better, Faster, More
San Francisco, CA

At The Grand Scheme of Things Board Meeting, the counselors of the universe decided it was not the deer that was overpopulated. Rather, it was the humans that was so overpopulated and seemed to be the primary cause of the most of the problems. The deer never dropped a missile from the sky. Unlike the television set, The Grand Scheme of Things Board Committee did not support Wall Street, viewed that as a source of the problem. When speaking of overpopulation, it was the 437,000 businessman replicas there seemed to be too many of. With careful precision, the committee gathered all of the displaced deer from the suburban sprawl debacle, enlarged them to 7 foot tall and indestructible, and placed them all, thousands of them, on Wall Street to show the humans what a real occupation was all about. The deer, the giant raccoons, the giant squirrels held the day of rage, and within an hour, Wall Street was demolished. The Grand Scheme of Things Board Committee scratched that item off their list, and moved to the next task.

30. Julian Cope
"The Mystery Trend"  4:18
Jehovakill
Derry, Wales

I don't recall that ever happening. I do remember a lot of things, trivial things, things you would not think would matter. I recall a lot childhood memories, I remember going to the store with my mom, the store had a concession stand that served frozen slushy drinks- I wanted one in the cup of a baseball team. I recall times I spent by myself. Sometimes, I feel as if I can remember everything; although sometimes I feel my memory is distorted...sometimes I do not recall what I even looked like then. However, I do not remember that ever happening. And, you make it sound as if it were important.

29. Stereolab
"Mellotron"  2:47
Peng!
London, England

Merle & Socko finally approached the gopher that had been erroneously neglected for two weeks. The body had begun to decompose and the smell was atrocious. Socko felt as if he needed to break-in the new guy, and let Merle do this all by himself. As Merle was attempting to gather the dead gopher onto the shovel- a car passing by honked the horn and stopped. "Hey Merle! What's up brother!" It was Lloyd & Christina, two of Merle's closest friends. "Hey! Not much, just doing the work thing." Merle approached the vehicle still holding the shovel with the foul smelling dead rotting gopher corpse on it while he chatted with his friends in the car. They asked about his work, he theirs, and they made plans to go out later on and have a couple drinks.

28. Megadeth
"Symphony of Destruction"  4:07
Countdown to Extinction
Los Angeles, CA

This possum was still fresh, Greg had just radioed in the order and Socko & Merle were in the area. Upon stopping, getting out, gathering the shovels and gloves, an enormous crow landed and stood by the possum, pecking at it. Socko attempted to shoo the crow away with the shovel, but the crow stood its ground. Soon, more crows entered the picture, showing no fear whatsoever to Socko and Merle. Being the hardened criminal he is, Socko declared war. However, Ichibod, leader of the crows, had an equal reputation in the crow community. Ichibod organized an attack coupled with a defense strategy to prevent the humans from confiscating their dinner privileges. Socko swung the shovel at the group of crows, who gracefully avoided the swing, and a pack of crows attacked him from behind.

Finally, Socko and Merle retreated and left the possum. "Ok," explained Socko calmly, "that happens from time-to-time, and when it does, you put an X in the top corner of the paperwork, and write in crows- that lets them know that we were not able to retrieve the animal."

27. The Jesus & Mary Chain
"Sundown"  4:59
Honey's Dead
East Kilbride, Scotland

Socko and Merle pulled into the McDonald's, parked around back. It was morning now, and the sun was shining. "Finally," Merle said, "breakfast—I am fucking starving." Socko gave him a dirty look, "we ain't eating here." Merle was confused, "dude, but I'm hungry, what the fuck are we doing here then?"

"This is where we drop everything off."

26. Current 93
"Hitler as Kalki"  16:28
Thunder Perfect Mind
London, England

I went out on a date with Pamela, she was a friend of a friend of a friend, possibly a cousin. It was a blind date, I had never seen her. Something told me that she might have been neurotic. She spoke with passion, intensity, as she related the one story that defined her- the most important event that ever took place in her life.

"I was driving down the road," Pamela did not smile, this was serious, "I'm just minding my own business. I remember, I did not like the song that was playing, and pushed to skip the track. When I looked up, there was this gigantic rabbit coming after me. This rabbit was enormous, it was coming from the other side of the road, crossed over the lane, and this thing was so big, that it could barely hop. I looked right at it, wondering what in the hell it was doing. It kept coming and coming, I figured it saw me. I tried to slow down, I hit the brakes, but the car would not slow down. The car would not slow down! I tell you. The humongous rabbit ran into me- I felt the thud, and I felt it bounce underneath my car.

There was nothing I could, Jim, nothing, I tried. Jim, have you ever seen or read the book Watership Down?"

"I have."

"Jim, this gigantic fucking rabbit was one of those rabbits from Owsla. This was an evil rabbit, that had done much harm to the rabbit community. This rabbit, this gigantic fucking rabbit, was going to destroy a pack of other rabbits, Jim, rabbits trying to be free. And that's why I could not stop. It was as if he were being chased by The Black Rabbit of Death, Jim. Don't you see Jim, he was being chased (she grabbed my arm with force, stared into my eyes, and spoke with fury- a demonic voice as if she were suddenly possessed, even spitting in my face)...he was being chased by The Black Rabbit of Death. And I was the one assigned to accomplish this mission. Do you get it Jim? It is I Jim, I am The Black Rabbit of Death!"

"My name isn't Jim."

She stared at me coldly, "then get the fuck out of here!"



NC-17 SOUNDTRAXXX BEST SONGS OF 1992:  100-76  75-51  50-26  25-#1




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