2013/12/23

The Best Songs of 2016 Part 1

The Top 150 Songs of 2016! 


SECTION 1 SECTION II SECTION III SECTION IV SECTION V SECTION VI

SECTION 1 (150-126)

You can enjoy all 25 of these wonderful tracks by simply pressing play on the embedded playlist below.






150. Hintermass
"Luftglider" 4:35
The Apple Tree
London, England

Dream Pop/Psychedelic Pop

149. Xenia Rubinos
"How Strange It Is" 3:12
Black Terry Cat
Hartford, CT-New York, NY

Art Pop/Neo-Soul

148. Ice Choir
"The Garden Of Verse" 3:30
Designs In Rhythm
New York, NY

Sophisti Pop/New Romantic/Synthpop

147. D.D Dumbo
"Walrus" 3:11
Utopia Defeated
Castlebaine, AU

Art Pop/Neo-Psychedelia/Indie Pop

146. The Goon Sax
"Telephone" 4:50
Up To Anything
Brisbane, AU

Indie Pop/Jangle Pop

145. Swedish Polarbears
"Commotion" 4:34
The Great Northern
Karlstad, Sweden

Jangle Pop

144. Hedvig Mollestad Trio
"Somebody Else Should Be on That Bus" 4:26
Black Stabat Mater
Oslo, Norway

Jazz-Rock/Heavy Psych

143. Ratkiller
"Sympathy" 3:59
Odor Orienting
Tallinn, Estonia

Hypnagogic Pop/Electroacoustic

142. Blood Ceremony
"Things Present, Things Past" 5:32
Lord of Misrule
Toronto, ON

Heavy Psych

141. High Highs
"Fastnet" 4:02
Cascades
Sydney, AU/New York, NY

Dream Pop/Synthpop


140. The Wave Pictures
"Memphis Slim in Paris" 4:13
A Season in Hull
London, England

Lo-Fi Indie

139. Charles Bradley
"Slow Love" 3:39
Changes
Gainesville, FL/New York, NY

Soul/Psychedelic Soul

138. Soft Hair
"In Love" 4:59
Soft Hair
London, England

Hypnagogic Pop/Lo-Fi Indie

137. Céu
"A Menina E O Monstro" 3:21
Tropix
São Paulo, Brazil

Art Pop/MPB

136. Yves Tumor
"Dajjal" 2:57
Serpent Music
Torino, Italy

Hypnagogic Pop

135. Fantastic Negrito
"Rant Rushmore" 4:59
The Last Days Of Oakland
Oakland, CA

Soul/Blues Rock

134. Terry
"Chitter Chatter" 2:23
Terry HQ
Melbourne, AU

Art Punk

133. Sonny & The Sunsets
"Modern Age" 5:19
Moods Baby Moods
San Francisco, CA

Indie Pop/Psychedelic Pop

132. The Last Shadow Puppets
"Everything You've Come To Expect" 3:15
Everything You've Come To Expect
Sheffield, England

Chamber Pop/Indie Rock

131. The Coral
"Million Eyes" 5:26
Distance Inbetween
Hoylake, England

Neo-Pyschedelia/Indie Rock

130. Beverley Knight
"Don't Play That Song for Me" 4:52
Soulsville
Wolverhampton, England

Pop Soul

129. NxWorries
"Scared Money" 2:57
Yes Lawd!
Los Angeles, CA

Neo-Soul/Conscious Hip-Hop

128. Corinne Bailey Rae
"Green Aphrodisiac" 5:51
The Heart Speaks In Whispers
Leeds, England

Neo-Soul

127. Corima
"Amaterasu V" 6:13
Amaterasu
El Paso, TX

Zeuhl

126. Free Time
"5th Floor" 9:25
In Search of Free Time
New York, NY

Indie Pop/Jangle Pop






CONTINUE>>>>

150-126  125-101  100-76  75-51  50-26  25-#1

Song Interpretations: The Greatest Lawsuit in History

Did you know that one of the most famous songs ever spawned the largest lawsuit in the history of The Universe? It's true.

Prior to landing a massive hit that was recorded by somebody else, Mentor Williams broke into the recording business with a production internship with The Beach Boys. During his stint working with The Beach Boys, Mentor Williams developed a fondness for both the band and lead vocalist Brian Wilson. He was constantly offering overly flattering praise that extended beyond simply liking their new album.

It was reported that Mentor Williams frequently complimented Brian Wilson on everything from his appearance to his taste in movies. Hey Brian, you look really hot in that shirt. All the girls must think you're soo soo sexy! Hey Brian, you are seriously, without a doubt, the greatest singer in the history of the universe. I mean, you fucking rock man. People love you! The world loves you! I love you! I really love you! You have pretty eyes.

The flattering praise was extremely excessive to the point where it made Brian Wilson uncomfortable. What could he say though? Mentor Williams was just being nice. But, it was growing increasingly tense as Mentor Williams was dropping by his house late at night, sitting too close to him on the couch, and it didn't help matters that Mentor was frequently showing up for events dressed exactly like Brian Wilson. Furthermore, his entire home was decorated with 6x6 photographs of The Beach Boys that he had taken himself.

Rumors were beginning to circulate that Mentor Williams and Brian Wilson were having an affair and this outraged Brian Wilson to the extreme that he had to be evaluated by another psychiatrist. He actually contemplated getting a restraining order on Mentor Williams and thought seriously about the charges for stalking when Mentor showed up in Brian's bathroom with a sponge offering to give him a bath.

The bomb officially dropped when Mentor Williams wrote and recorded his would-be massive hit song, "Drift Away"... with the lyrics:

"Give me The Beach Boys,
to free my soul,
I want to get lost in your rock and roll,
then drift away."

Upon hearing this, Brian Wilson was outraged. Furthermore, the lyrics, "thanks for the joy that you give in me" further heightened the rumors circulating involving the love affair between Brian Wilson and Mentor Williams. Brian Wilson was so furious that he sued Mentor Williams for 487 Trillion Dollars and the restraining order was officially instated.

The charges were eventually dropped and the song was later rehashed by Dobie Gray who had to change the lyrics to "Give me the beat, boys" and "Thanks for the joy that you've given me" in order to meet the conditions of the lawsuit.

The rest is history.

Bibliography:  I guarantee all this shit that I just is said is true.

Song Interpretations: Call Me Maybe

I'll tell ya what the problem is, people done lost sight of the truth! People just go spewing off at the mouth when they ain't got they fucking facts straight. So let me set the record street here...

What a lot of y'all seem to have forgotten is that Carly Rae Jepsen is really a man, and HIS hit song "Here's My Number, So Call Me Maybe" is about being in prison. People's done misunderstood the lyrics and forgot about the fact that Carly is actually Carl.

Now I know a lot of people like this song because they think that this shit is so unreal, abnormal, and wild and crazy for a woman to approach a man. In actuality, that shit happens to me all the time. You just hang out at any bar after 1:30 and somebody will approach you with her number, and ain't none of these got any class. (Although that could be because I don't have any class either, and that's why other women with no class are constantly trying to get with me.) Sorry to break it to you, not only is this very common, but, Carly was indeed a man.

This shit is evident with the most mispronounced lyrics of the song: "And all the boys, try and shank me." As most of you are well aware from the time you spent locked up in the joint, or from watching various movies and whatnot, "shank" is a prison term for "knife" and to shank somebody means to stab somebody with a knife.

See, when (then) he went to prison, Carl was a little frail little bastard and mother fuckers kept trying to stab his ass. The only way he could save himself was to become a bitch. So he went to the cafeteria, tracked down Milton (AKA- The Electric Shaver, because he was known for giving his victims a close "shave", if you know what I mean, with an electric chainsaw) and agreed to be his bitch for protection on the inside... was like, I know I just met you and all, told him that this was crazy, but gave him his number and said call me maybe. The number Carl gave Milton was his 44-20865, his inmate number.

Now here's when shit gets interesting. A reason a lot of people don't like this song is (aside from that it genuinely sucks and is totally fucking annoying) is that they misunderstood the lyrics at the end thinking it was a contradiction. The way it really goes is, "before you came in tonight, I missed you so bad." People be thinking: "I missed you? I thought you just me this mother fucker!?!? Bitch!!!"

What it is, is that Carl had a boyfriend on the outside named Sherm... and this has been widely documented by EVERYBODY- everybody except for you of course, cuz you obviously don't know shit! But while Carl was serving a 3-5 for constantly stealing his neighbor's mail (and that's another lesson we all know: if you be stealing shit out of other people's mailboxes, you WILL get caught) the inevitable happened... Sherm got busted stealing rolls of copper wire again, just like everybody said he would.

They gave Sherm 3-5, but he didn't really give a fuck ya know... he was just happy to be back with his boyfriend Carl. However, when he gets there, he finds out that his lover Carl is now a mother fucking Carly and mated with some mother fucking serial killer best known for slicing people's faces off with a God damn chainsaw. Now- everybody knows that- except for, cuz you been living a fucking cave obviously!

So, that's that toughest most complex love story of all. Carl, now a fucking Carly, in love with mother fucker Sherm, who loves this mother fucker way better as a bitch anyway, and they got to hide their love affair from some mother fucker with a chainsaw. Sherm was in the next cell, and was technically coveting thy neighbor's wife. This is some deep shit here. Deep deep deep shit! And I am not joking. He missed him so bad, and I think you, of all people, should know that.

Product Review: Instant Coffee and Bailey's Creamer

Product Review: Nescafe Clasico Instant Coffee

Price: $1.97 (1.7 oz) at Wal Mart

This nasty ass shit is the best tasting instant coffee on the market! Obliterated its competitors of Sanka, Folgers, & Dog Piss in a recent taste test.

Rating: **  Proud member of the F.I.I.C. (FIIC = "Fuck It, It's Coffee" for those of us who feel shitty coffee is better than no coffee.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Product: Bailey's Coffee Creamer; Créme Brûlèe flavor

Price: $2.68 at Harris Teeter

Makes nasty ass instant coffee taste absolutely wonderful! Enough said.

Rating: *****

Song Interpretations: Magic Man by Heart

What song had the biggest influence on modern culture in history? The answer... "Magic Man" by Heart.

Unfortunately, people have misunderstood the meaning of the lyrics contained within the song. What most people don't know is that "Magic Man" is a brutal feminist piece in which the elite feminist is, in fact, the mom. "Magic  Man" was written as a homage to Mrs. Wilson as Mother's Day gift... because she changed their lives... and changed ALL of our lives in the process.

She changed the way we speak to one another!!!!

Mother fuckers don't seem to get this shit and it's primarily because of a song that came out the following year (1977). The Runaways had a sequence involving their mother with their song "Born to Be Bad" that seemed to stereotype the roles of moms back in those days. It went:

"I called my mother from Hollywood the other day,
and said 'Mom, I just called to tell ya that I joined a rock 'n roll band
and uh, I won't be coming home no more.'

You know what she did?
She started crying, and weeping, and whimpering... like all mothers do
And she woke up my father and told him about it
And he said there ain't a damn thing we can do... that's just the way she is.
She was just BORN TO BE BAD!!!"

Because of lyrics like that, people assumed that the character Mama from "Magic Man" was crying and weeping and whimpering like all mothers do when her daughter called with some shit that she is dating some douche self proclaimed as "The Magic Man."

With lyrics such as: "Come on home, girl, mama cried on the phone" people are led to believe that Mrs. Wilson is an overbearing crying weeping whimpering sissy neurotic bitch who just doesn't understand when her daughter falls in love.

NO! She changed the world. She started something totally new! She did something that had never been done before.

Throughout the song "Magic Man" the song's protagonist did everything in her power to epitomize easily impressed stupid-ass white girls-- brainless bimbo romanticism such as: "I've never seen eyes so blue" or "Try to understand, he's a magic man" to "he's got magic hands" ...bitch even thought they had seen each other in a dream.

As we all know, this is some lame-ass shit uttered by some extremely stupid-ass white bitches! As we all know, any girl that says this type of stupid-ass shit is naive, stupid, often insufferable to be around, way too easily impressed, and ALWAYS (no exceptions) referencing a stupid-ass mother fucking douchebag that no woman with even half a brain would be even remotely interested. We've all witnessed this at every bar in America.

Taylor Swift seems to feel this way about every single person she meets. It's to the extreme with her that we could create a sign that reads:

HORNY? Well simply come up with one stupid ass lame pick-up line and you too can fuck Taylor Swift*.  (* Some restrictions apply. It appears that getting rid of her might take a few weeks, although simply dumping her stupid ass on the cold hard ground seems to be the most effective.)

No parent wants her daughter to be as dumb as a character in a Taylor Swift song.

Admitting to be powerless over a male douche just because he has blue eyes and corny pick-up lines is a confession of inferiority to the opposite gender. That is the last thing a female-fronted band needs when trying to prove to the world that "women can rock just like men!" ...which was the general claim for Heart.

The song gives us substantial credible evidence that this so-called "Magic Man" is one stupid lame mother fucker that most people could not even stand to be around for even five minutes. This dumbshit used corny pick-up lines such as: "I'll cast my spell of love on you."

Anybody that has ever set foot off the front porch knows that it takes one stupid douchy mother fucker to say some ridiculous bullshit like that to somebody. This fucking asshole even self-proclaimed himself as a "Magic Man" by telling the impressionable white bitch: "Try to understand, that I'm a Magic Man."

If I told some girl that shit, I would get the living Hell beat out of me... and rightly so!

But, Mama comes to save the day! She comes to rescue the song's protagonist from the deadly white girl disease now known as TaylorSwiftSyndrome.

Mrs. Wilson knew that shit was fucking moronic, knew this asshole was a douche, definitely a flat-out fucking liar, and called her own daughter out on it. HER OWN DAUGHTER!!!

In fact, she took it to extreme levels and did something that had never been done. Mrs. Wilson coined a new phrase that would take over a decade for the world to fully embrace.

And that leads us to the most influential line of a song in history. And sadly, its been misinterpreted by millions and millions of people. And yes, that line has been listed on here twice now... and in the incorrect format that caused all of the uncertainty.

She set the foot down, and ordered her daughter... "Come on home, girl, mama cried on the phone." These commas have created the incorrect format that has been misinterpreted by the conventional thinkings.

When Mama discovered that her daughter was enamored with a douche, what she ACTUALLY said was:

"Come on homegirl! Mama cried on the phone."

As we all know (now, back then we didn't... that's how revolutionary this song is), the phrase "Come on homegirl!" means: "Jesus, bitch! Seriously!?! You are without a doubt the dumbest fucking white bitch I've ever met."

However, back in 1976, the term "homegirl" was not yet popular. Nobody knew what the fuck homegirl meant... they thought Mama was telling her daughter to come home. Shit, that bitch was grown... didn't want her ass over at the house no how... because homegirls can obviously jack up a grocery bill.

It would take nearly a full decade for that term "homegirl" to become popular. And truth be known, the mother of Ann & Nancy Wilson was the woman who coined the phrase. Furthermore, it was the first time in popular culture that a mother referred to her own daughter as "a dumbass fucking white bitch." This serves as such a viable feminist piece because Mama resorted to such ruthless tactics not only in a period of time where mothers were considered "whimpering" but as an assault against the stupid-ass domineering deceptive misogynist douche that the impressionable little girls could not defeat.

This was victory.... thanks to Mama.

BIBLIOGRAPHY:

Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.




NC-17 SOUNDTRAXXX is being edited, revised, and published. The literature content is gradually being removed for publication or  being transferred to the upcoming site: MHQ HEADQUARTERS. The music countdowns, however, shall remain here.

In the meantime... our first actual book publication, a dystopian epic: The Mansion 


According to the plant and animal life on Earth, which eventually unfriends the human race amidst bold accusations coming from an oddly-shaped row of trees: the concepts of government, religion, and economics were fabricated by the same sources that devised such absurdity as Black Friday sales, fashionable bowling attire, expiration dates for vaginal lube, and marketing strategies to entice specifically targeted mayonnaise consumers … and these sources obviously did not originate on the Planet Earth. From Prohibition to the dystopian future plagued with revolution, animosity towards society, and farming hippos with growth hormones, characters such as Squirrel Abraham and Jimmers Waffles (raccoon) not only challenge the status quo, but also question the entire history that created it.

Compiling 30 Sections and 68 different themes and storylines, which explore topics ranging from concepts of customer service to victimless crimes to a town in West Virginia that repeatedly becomes a ghost town; and featuring guest appearances from the likes of seahorses, dragonflies, praying mantis, chickens, and raccoon, The Mansion chronicles the plight of the human race, where Primitive Man evolved into the species known as Homo Bowler, and set out to destroy the world in a quest for decorative plates, generic shoes, and non-dairy powdered creamer.








http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qijQC-m2IDs

The War on Bread

"The War on Bread" 

by Tony J. Neal   

And so the world needed a new arch nemesis, and they choose Bread. Why?

There is some speculation that somebody out there just fucking hated this shit and wanted it gone. Others have theorized that it was due to a backlash from the pussy ass 70's soft rock band Bread headed by David Gates; his distant relative Bill Gates was so ashamed of their lame ass fucking music that he went to war against all forms of Bread. Many have claimed that this is the plot of Satan because bread is commonly considered the body of our savior Jesus Christ and that ridding the world of Bread means Satan could officially rule the world.

The first insurgence against Bread was conducted by General Atkins. This mother fucker invented a diet that claimed that reducing the intake of carbs (stressing strongly on bread) that people will lose weight. Well kiss my 128 pound carb eating ass on that one!

After people gradually realized that this so-called Bread-free diet was a crock of shit, the powers that be invented a supplement located within Bread called gluten and then declared that people were allergic to this shit. And, people actually bought into this fabricated theory.

Just one day out of the blue, people were suddenly allergic to Bread. Yesterday they were eating sandwiches, just as they had been their whole entire lives. The next day, they were mysteriously allergic to this new deadly allergen found only in Bread that contains wheat. People have reportedly died from this! (Nobody had ever died from this.)

Unfortunately for the A.A.B. Brigade, too many people like myself never bought into this ridiculous notion, the fabricated Gluten Allergy was deemed a hoax, and more strategies needed implemented. ** A.A.B. = Assassins Against Bread.

Finally, they had some key officials target the leading manufacturer of Bread, particularly Bread that contained the deadly substance known as wheat. After several years of claiming that this once prosperous Bread tasted like utter dog shit, the corporate executives cashed their enormous paychecks, sacked the employees who had gone on strike from the severity of oppression they had been receiving, and just like that, Wonder Bread was no longer being manufactured. In a bizarre twist, some of the Hostess products returned... such as Twinkies and Ho Ho's... but not that shitty ass mother fucking Wonder Bread, that shit had the deadly wheat in it, and now Wonder Bread appears as extinct as the brontosaurus was generations before it.

This raises a multitude of questions as to why the most powerful executives in the world decided to target Bread as the enemy. Conspiracy theories have developed as a result. Being as most people in the world view the 9/11 terrorist attacks as an inside job, some feel that Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and George Bush might be able to plea temporary insanity caused from Bread ingestion as the cause of their mental disturbance.

But, the people have spoke.

There are over 300 million people living in the US and the number is rising. Also on the rise is the plight of the corporations attempting to take over for commerce... which has been the case since the incarnation of this country... that's why Indians now live on reservations and mother fucking white supremacist Andrew Jackson is on the $20 Bill.

American corporations are too greedy to be concerned with anything other than their bank account... moving upwards instead of outwards is not an option... people are so stupid that inhabiting another planet seems unfathomable; sending some unmanned robot ship to Mars to take a few pictures was considerable progress for these people.

They had to move somewhere.

Yes, the people did speak.

"I fucking hate Kansas! Driving through Kansas is boring. All that is there is wheat fields and corn fields."

The imperialist plight had to move somewhere. Wheat fields are stupid. Wheat fields are boring. Who the fuck really gives a fuck about Bread anyway? We can manufacture gluten free Bread, without all of this God damn wheat in it, get rid of these stupid ass fucking wheat fields, and transform them into shopping centers, sub-divisions, corporate chains, and the next implement of suburban culture that is exactly like every single other suburban shopping plaza.

We need this money. We need to expand. These fields are useless. They will be better as commerce producing subsidiaries that stabilizes our economy the way that it should be... generating billions of dollars for the CEO's while creating thousands of minimum wage jobs that people will hate but will be forced to take in order to pay the rent for those shitty apartment complexes we erected on the former wheat fields.

That's us. That's what we do. This is our freedom. This is our way of life. Fuck you. And fuck Bread!

Sincerely,

Wal Mart, Applebee's, Jo-Ann Fabrics, Pier 1 Imports, McDonald's, Exxon-Mobil, Wendy's, Kohl's, Sears, Old Navy, Chick-Fil-A, Fox News, CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS, Tire Discounters, Holiday Inn, General Motors, President Obama, former Presidents Bush Sr.,Bush Jr., and Bill Clinton, Time-Warner Cable, Subway, BP Gas, Shell Gas, your local grocer, convenient store, Congressman, CEO's of all products within all the stores, and probably that shitty ass mother fucking Red Baron Pizza.

Product Review: Red Baron Pizza

Product Review: Red Baron Pizza

Price: Unknown

Description: Widely consumed frozen pizza that receives very little love. In fact, in a recent survey, 500 million people were asked: "What is your favorite pizza?" and not a single one of them answered Red Baron.


Product is very rarely purchased for full price in the day time by sober people at the supermarket. Red Baron is most frequently purchased when on sale or during the late night hours by consumers who are so fucking drunk they may not even remember buying the thing; Red Baron is commonly purchased at gas stations after bar close when no other options are available.

Due to the fact that a high amount of consumers are severely intoxicated, Red Baron pizza related house fires contribute to nearly 1,400 deaths in the US each year. It does raise conspiracy theories as to why the company selected an infamous fighter pilot notorious for burning down houses as their logo. The only company that rivals Red Baron for deaths attributed to house fires is fellow frozen pizza cohort Tombstone... coincidentally, a name also affiliated with death.

Because of its reputation and appeal to those who are only seeking a meal that requires minimal time and effort for preparation, Red Baron need not focus much attention on quality. The estimated cost to actually make a Red Baron pizza is approximately 63 cents. Red Baron manufacturers often drop the ingredients on the floor and simply reuse them because nobody gives a flying fuck about this crap because the people who eat it are so God damn drunk that most of them drop the pizza on their own floor anyway and still eat it... as if hurts anything... as if the debris lying on the kitchen floor is any different than the shit that's actually in the pizza.

Even though extremely durable, Red Baron pizzas rarely expire. People normally eat this shit the moment they arrive home with it. Very rarely will a Red Baron pizza actually enter a freezer in somebody's home. That said, Red Baron pizza is considered an "impulse buy" as people only buy one when they are drunk and essentially starving. Nobody craves Red Baron pizza or plans to buy one weeks in advance.

A recent study reviewed the entire database of everything that had ever been said in the entire history of The Universe... they typed in the key phrase: "I am craving some Red Baron pizza" and the screen displayed: "No Results Found." When revealed how Red Baron Pizza was most commonly used in a sentence: "Fuck it, let's just get a Red Baron pizza."

A 22 year old college student recently purchased a Red Baron pizza relatively sober. After the pizza was finished baking, Alison Palmer cut off one slice of pizza and placed it on a plate, and then promptly threw the remainder of the pizza straight in the garbage. She then grabbed a paper towel and carried the slice of pizza on the plate into her room and ate the damn thing while she fiddled around her computer.

Was she concerned with the still fresh and warm pizza she had discarded in the trash. Please view Fig. 1 for the results.

Fig.1 One woman's concern for the Red Baron pizza she had thrown in the trash.


Afterwards, she sat the plate still bearing a few crumbs from the crust and the wadded up paper towel on the end table next to her bed and fell asleep. There the plate sat in her room for a grand total of 12 days, 9 on the end table, and the final 3 on her otherwise clean floor because she needed to use the end table to plug in her phone for the alarm clock. With the plate of a few crumbs lying on her otherwise clean floor, Alison slept soundly as if she didn't have a care in the world.

She did, however, wash the pizza cutter immediately after use. Once she made the slice, she simply ran the pizza cutter underneath lukewarm running water until the faded red circle of sauce had vanished, flicked the pizza cutter a few times to somewhat remove any access water, and then put the pizza cutter haphazardly back in the drawer. She did not use soap nor did she allow the water to become that hot.

Alison never allowed herself to even get full... she went into this purchase knowing damn good and well that 75% of the pizza was going to pitched in the fucking waste basket. That goes to show just how much people value the efforts put into making a Red Baron pizza.

Howard simply ate his pizza off the cardboard "dish" that came with the pizza for free. His was slightly burnt because he was stoned as a mother fucker when he placed it in the oven and damn near forgot about it. Slightly burnt means that it more so resembled Cajun blackened chicken strips than a pizza.

People might purchase Red Baron pizza so frequently because they know exactly what they are getting. That was not the case with me... Please see Fig. 2

Fig.2 Actual photograph of the Red Baron pizza I bought... taken from my phone.

However, because this could just be my own personal misfortune, I will not grade the product because somebody accidentally dropped it off a cliff.

The particular model that I purchased was deemed "Self Rising." They promoted this as if this were some brilliant innovation that was guaranteed to revolutionize the world. The mother fucker obviously couldn't rise itself up off the cliff that somebody dropped it from. But, I assumed that maybe its deformity was supposed to appear that way because this all new and exciting "Self Rising" shit might pop the pizza back into place. It's a magic trick.

The box had an important message: "DO NOT EAT FROZEN"

Who the fuck did this? For them to place this on the container means that there had to have been a complaint:

Dear Red Baron pizza,

I took a bite of your pizza and it broke all my fucking teeth out. I demand a refund of $4.86 or however much this shit cost.

The box indicated that this "Self Rising" crust was going to be soft. If somebody approached me and asked me to describe this crust with one word, "soft" would not even come to mind. In fact, if soft was simply a yes or no question, I would most definitely vote no. If this is their definition of soft, we should all be thankful that there is no such thing as Red Baron toilet paper.

Because they described their product as "soft" and knowing most of their customers are either so fucking drunk they'll eat one after its been dropped on the floor or so fucking stupid they'll try to eat the shit while it is still frozen, more than likely some asshole out there somewhere actually tried to use this as toilet paper... and suffered a terrible tragedy as a result... and more letters were sent to the company.

Phillip Hernandez did this, crammed the scorching hot pizza up his ass, and sure enough, the mother fucker died. Lloyd Carter bought into this theory as well, and was soon killed in a house fire; not because of the pizza, but because his home was struck by a Vietnamese tank. Lloyd lived in the suburbs of Des Moines, IA and nobody has any fucking idea how the God damn tank ended up in mother fucking Iowa.

Believe it or not, I actually cooked the mother fucker and did not attempt to blow my nose with it or use it as a pillow. Needless to say, the pizza did not pop back into place once it was finished. Whatever... it was a fucking Red Baron, what more do you expect.

Rating:  **1/2

Product Review: Morning Star Bacon Strips

Product Review: Morning Star Bacon Strips

Description: Absolutely creepy looking replica of bacon strips formed from a combination of ingredients that somehow spawned a bizarre color previously unknown to humankind. Word has it on the streets that both Crayola is devising a new crayon color called "Morning Star Bacon" and numerous film studios are planning an upcoming horror movie with the killer modeled after a strip of Morning Star Bacon.

The directions said, in all caps, "DO NOT OVERCOOK." I do not feel these people had the right to tell me what to do and contemplated cooking the Morning Star Bacon Strips for 6.5 hours; followed with a video of me eating it and set of instructions for them:

1. Don't tell me what to do.
2. Don't write in all caps, you STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE!

Upon cooking the creepy looking bacon, the strips were not floating a massive puddle of grease and did require an entire roll of paper towels to absorb all of the grease.

Eating one of these took a great deal of courage and motivation. I went ahead and wrote my will and made some last minute funeral arrangements as I braced myself for the inevitable.

Rating: ****  Despite the ghastly appearance and the fact the manufacturers overstepped their jurisdiction by claiming to be some sort of an authority figure, they actually tasted very well and did have any lingering feeling of heart congestion.  Should have even more appeal for those who prefer their bacon extra crispy.

Product Review: Mayonnaise vs. Miracle Whip

Product Review: Harris Teeter "Real" Mayonnaise  

This shit fucking sucks! This shit, like all other "real" mayonnaises tastes like spoiled Miracle Whip that somebody left out on the counter with the lid open. In fact, chalk up the same thing for mustard, ketchup, and any other shitty non-Miracle Whip substances that has the nerve to refer to itself as a condiment.

Rating: 0   I'm not even eating the rest of it; It ruined two sandwiches already and that's bad enough. I'm taking the rest of the jar to Goodwill first thing in the morning.



Product Review: Kraft Miracle Whip  

Mayonnaise looking substance that is listed as "salad dressing" on the label. When used properly on a sandwich, this product really is a "miracle" and has revolutionized the mayonnaise industry where all competitors now have to refer to themselves as "real" mayonnaise because they could not be honest and consider themselves "Spoiled Miracle Whip." It will never be taken for granted ever again.

Rating: 10/10 Essential Purchase!!! Now I'm rooting for the Patriots to win the Super Bowl.


*However, I could not even fathom the notion of putting Miracle Whip on a salad as dressing. In fact, don't you find it a bit odd that it is kept with the mayonnaise and not the 1000 Island dressing? I sense a conspiracy and this so-called "real" mayonnaise shit is showing symptoms of jealousy.

** The Miracle Whip that I have in the refrigerator expired on 10/19... and it still tastes better than "real" mayonnaise. Also, during its lifespan, it was left out once over night, and endured a sweltering 5.4 mile walk home from Kohl's. This means that you really have to add some deadly contaminants to Miracle Whip in order to have it taste like "real" mayonnaise. Possibilities include lead, mercury, cyanide, rat piss, and/or gasoline.

*** One of the secrets for maintaining my youthful image and slim physique is that I use Miracle Whip instead of mayonnaise. Real mayonnaise is shit used in coleslaw. Because I have never eaten nasty ass shitty mayonnaise based coleslaw, I am never going to die.

Product Review: TGI Friday's Mozzarella Sticks

Product Review: TGI Friday's Mozzarella Sticks

Price: Unknown. Came as part of the Harris Teeter Meal Deal where one could get a Red Baron Pizza, a TGI Friday's appetizer, a bag of Utz Chips, Heluva Good Dip, and a 2 liter of Coke for $9.99. (All I really wanted was the 2 liter and the chips, but figured, fuck it, might as well spend the extra $4 and get the rest of this shit.)

Description:  Frozen mozzarella sticks that can be easily cooked in any oven and, just like that, there is a side dish to accompany anything on Earth.

Sober: Ehh, it's a quick side dish; nothing special.

Coming home relatively inebriated on Halloween: Should one accidentally leave them in the oven slightly longer than appropriate cooking time, the sticks will rupture and spill a pile of melted cheese all over the aluminum foil (AKA- the non-stick cookie sheet that was suggested in the directions.) Caution: Peeling the melted cheese off the foil and attempting to refill the bursted sticks may cause severe burning.

Also: breaded and deep fried cheese that is relatively cholesterol free raises a lot of questions about the ingredients. In fact, raises a lot of questions about many things, really.

Rating: ***

Those Who Went to Jared

"He Went to Jared"

by Tony J. Neal


You know who I can't stand? That stupid mother fucker Jared!

You know who I can't stand worse than that? Some stupid ass douche who went to Jared.

You know who I can't stand worse that that? Some dumb hoe enamored with the stupid fucking douche who went to Jared.

You know who I can't stand worse that that? Some dumb hoe enamored with some dumb hoe enamored with some stupid fucking douche who went to that asshole cock sucker mother fucking stupid ass prick Jared.

What's even worse than that is any kiss beginning with Kay.

I hate jewelry. There is nothing more grotesque on a person than expensive jewelry. Baggy pants and an idiotic sideways cap looks better than jewelry.

Whereas "at the table" is figure of speech known as a prepositional phrase, "he went to Jared" is a figure of speech known as "deal breaker."

Ban television! Boycott marketing deceptive advertisements! End all forms of slavery! Denounce romance based on material purchases! Encourage the government to shut down for good! And stay shut down!!! Fire the politicians; dismantle the military... Burn The White House and turn it into a K-Mart- at least then it will be a smoother operation; burn The Congressional Building and turn into a Dollar Store- at least then we'll be paying what the merchandise contained within is actually worth; burn The Pentagon and change it into a hazardous waste asbestos factory- that will create a safer environment that kills significantly LESS people.

Other than that, I hope you all are having a wonderful great day!

Back to work.

Decisions


11/15/2013

I've decided that I am going to write a cook book called: "Comfort Foods for Cannibals"  The first featured recipe will be Deep Fried Breaded Oprah.

11/14/2013

Now I've decided that I want to make a sing-a-long porno version of The Little Mermaid featuring the song: "There's a Ho in the Bottom of the Sea."

The first verse would obviously feature a sweltering solo scene starring The Little Mermaid, but then the 2nd verse... "There's Sponge Bob in The Ho in the bottom of the sea..." with new characters being added with each progressive verse... "There's Nemo in Sponge Bob in The Ho in the bottom of the sea..."

Unfortunately, not all characters are aquatic and the story will tragically end with 7 dead dwarfs floating face down at the top of the sea.

11/13/2013

I've decided I am going to write stupid lame mushy Top 40 pop songs that are played in stores. My first song goes: "Don't want no kiss, no hugs... no sex, no drugs... I just want to snuggle with you" ... "With you."

11/12/2013

I've devised the solution! This year, my New Year's Resolution is to give up social anxiety. Beginning tonight, I am going to mingle with total strangers and initiate conversation with people I have never met... I might even tell some random person my entire life story- which I've never done. Once I've cured my social anxiety, I can stop taking my social anxiety medication... which is smoking cigarettes. Such a genius I am! I should have thought of this sooner.


11/11/2013

And since nobody else would write a "Missed Connection" about me, I decided to write one on myself.

W4M:  Cute Skinny Boy at Harris Teeter  (AVL)

I saw you at Harris Teeter filling the eggs. You are sooooo cute! I want to have your baby. Will you cum into my room and fill my eggs?

11/10/2013

I've decided that I AM NORMAL... plain, average, and ordinary... and that's final!

11/09/2013

I've decided that this years most popular phrase is: "Seriously? What the Hell? There is something seriously fucking wrong with you!!!"

This phrase seems to keep coming up in what I consider ordinary conversation. People also seem to say this after everything I say.

11/04/2013

I've decided that I am in love with a cashier at Harris Teeter... and it was kind of a love at first sight. The odds I will ever speak to her... approximately 0%; the odds she feels this same attraction for me... approximately 0%.

10/26/2013

I've decided that I am moving to Olympia, WA in February!

09/26/2013

I've decided that I am going to make a zombie movie. The trailer will feature Snow White boarding up her house with the Seven Dwarfs frantically trying to bust through the windows to eat her. Also starring (as zombies) Pinocchio, The Little Mermaid, Donald Duck, and 101 God damn dogs with rabies.

09/25/2013

I decided I want to make a video in which former pop country superstars Wynonna & Naomi Judd kidnap Marilyn Manson, lock him in a closet, and viciously beat him, rape him, and make him their concubine slave. The name of the song will be "I Don't Like The Judds (But The Judds Like Me)"

9 Things People May Not Know About Me

I got assigned this stupid task on Facebook...


9 Things People Don't Know About Me:

1. Despite the fact that numerous people have stated that I know more about music than ANY person on Earth, I've not only never had a job had a job associated with music, I've never even had a job at a place that played decent music. Therefore, I've hated every single job that I've ever had.

2. I determine a person's intellect by his/her ability to figure things out on their own and the ability to devise original concepts and ideas. The ability to simply recite lessons that had been explained by someone else does not impress me.

3. The worst thing a person can call me is "weird." I downright hate it... it's along the same lines as calling a black person the N word. Certain friends have earned that right, but if somebody I do not  know calls me that, especially for no reason in particular, you probably don't want to know what goes through my mind as my assessment of them.

4. I do not believe in either Creation or the theory of evolution. However, if I had to pick one over the other, I would choose Creation. My reasoning behind this would disturb both parties equally.

5. I have a mild case of "The Shining." I once had a year long incident with the supernatural that nobody would ever believe and I have never shared all of the details. If I've given you a brief description of this, I consider you a true friend.

6. I have ZERO points on my license... my license are suspended. This is no exaggeration, I have been pulled over by the police approximately 200 times in my life... this is why I have no desire to drive anymore.

7. I have several extremes...where I am listed in the top 1-5% worldwide (possibly top of the list). They include music knowledge, warped sense of humor, adoration for women's feet, hatred of television, political beliefs, and constantly developing a new story to write about. I've written 51 full-length stories in the past 3 years... to go along with Product Reviews and other crap I post here on Facebook. My ideal soul mate would be in-tune with ALL of these.

(BTW- I've covered a multitude of deep concepts in my blog. Last week, for the first time in my life, I encountered a group of people discussing something I had written and have been approached by approximately 20 different people over something I wrote that was supposedly "brilliant" even on one occasion by a person I had never met... this has seriously been the highlight of my life. Apparently my greatest accomplishment to date is, of all things, a product review for Red Baron pizza. ??? And the post itself only has 4 likes. ???)

8. I have a strong desire to be in one more relationship in my life... ONE... and that is with the aforementioned soul mate. I've been in 5 long term relationships (my High Fidelity top 5), 4 of which I am to blame for the demise (the other may be the blame for my demise). I do not wish to experience another break-up ever again. Therefore, I will stay single for the rest of my life because I am nice enough not to ruin somebody's life. The ONE can uplift the curse.

9. I am an Anarcho-Communist, and I don't think most people (that's those living outside Asheville) even know what that means. It has ZERO resemblance to the government of Eastern Europe (the key word in that sentence being "government" because I feel there should be none.) That said, the sight of all things considered "traditional" disgusts me... particularly traditional looking couples where the guy has fulfilled his cliche role of being a man, and the girl has adopted the conditioning as to her roles as woman. I believe in equality all across the board... I am a staunch feminist, anti-racist, supporter of gay rights, heterosexual white male with strong Christian roots. Anything you do is fine with me so long as you allow others to do the same... and so long as you do not subject me to Taylor Swift, Kelly Clarkson, coleslaw, pop your chewing gum in my ear, or call me weird.

The White Girls Who Changed the World

The White Girls Who Changed the World

By Tony J. Neal


I got on the bus, sat down, and the three girls sitting directly across from stared at me the entire time. When I looked up at them, all 3 of them at once smiled, and then looked downward. Fed up with this type of behavior, I did not glance away, and continued to stare attentively.

The 3 girls were approximately 18-19 years of age. The two facing my left both proudly wore their blue UNCA T-shirts, and diligently pressed the buttons of their cell phones with their painted fingernails. The one on the right did not have her phone handy, her nails were not painted, and her T-shirt declared that she was a "Proud member of the Generation of Christ." I had guessed her to be 18, and I must admit, she looked great to be nearly 2014 years old. She did however, have to best posture of the three... which might explain how she was able to age so gracefully.

It was difficult to declare her a complete misfit because, just like the girl next to her... the one in the middle, sat cross-legged with her left leg draped over her right. The one on the far-left, who also kept glancing up at me with a smile, sat with her right leg crossed over her left... such a non-conformist this young lady is.

After a few minutes of intense observation, the one in the middle read out loud the text message that would shock the world:  Elizabeth had fallen asleep while studying for an exam, and then slept through the exam. The mood grew deathly somber after that.

At that moment, I felt as if the bus was going to start spinning wildly out of control. Buildings were crumbling as massive explosions throughout the galaxy caused the planets to collide and the stars fell from the sky. Although I had never spoken to these girls, I somehow felt as if I were now a part of mystifying scheme in which the entire human race had been place on the Endangered Species list because Elizabeth had missed her exam; I felt as if I had witnessed first-hand the prophetic revelation in which the whole world most inevitably behold.

I pressed the "Self-Destruct" button, and the words "Stop Requested" displayed on the monitor. When I got off that bus, I was thankful that I had made it alive... at least for moment. While it might seem that I remain physically intact, I knew that reality as we all knew it was drastically impaired. Elizabeth, the Sleeping Beauty that is, forever altered the existence of all of us.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer... Re-invented

The North Pole, Population: 0
Nobody lives on The North Pole... and here's why:

(Cue lame music)

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer,
had a very shiny nose,
but the only ones who ever liked it,
was a bunch of stupid hoes

All of the other reindeer,
were so mother fucking lame,
Rudolph was getting sick and tired,
of dealing with their bullshit games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa was eating curds and whey,
And Rudolph with his nose so bright,
gave the miserable fat sack of shit such a terrible fright

Then all the reindeer panicked,
And Rudolph shouted with a loaded Uzi....

"Dondor, Blitzen, and whatever the fuck the rest of you asshole's names are... here's how you're going to go down in history...

Get this drunken fat miserable piece of shit up off of the God damn floor, gather up all them God damn elves, grab all those stupid ass fucking toys, put all that lame ass shit in the back of a one horse open sleigh-- whatever the fuck those things are-- clean all the reindeer shit off the God damn roof, and get the fuck out of here... and take these God damn hoes with you. Go back to fucking Kansas where all you fucking losers came from in the first place!!!!"

The Annual Celebration of Masturbation

"The Annual Celebration of Masturbation" 

by Tony J. Neal    


Each year, we participate in the joyful celebration of THE most bizarre masturbating spectacle ever witnessed. Aside from me, it seems that not many people are even aware of this.

As we all know, women thoroughly enjoy masturbating with inanimate objects. Whether it be a vibrator, a cucumber, or a 6 ounce container of Yoplait Yogurt, women seem to constantly be on a quest for new and improved items to cram up their pussies in order to compensate for their incompetent douchy male lover's inability to maintain an erection for any longer than 2.3 minutes.

A long long time ago, it was widely known that this was going to be THE BEST CHRISTMAS EV-ERRRR!!!!! OMG!!!

Cousin Mary was coming to town to visit!!! She arrived, as did some of the rest of the family... Uncle Howard, Aunt Beverly, Margaret, some of the in-laws, and a few other assholes that nobody even recognized because they were temporarily shacked up with some of the distant relatives.

It had been several days, and Cousin Mary desperately needed to masturbate. However, it was growing increasingly difficult with all of these damn people constantly around. The rest of the family announced they were going out for dinner that evening, but Cousin Mary insisted that she was sick and was going to be staying home... something wrong with her stomach.

Glenda and Herbert both suspected that Cousin Mary was faking her illness. Herbert feared that she was staying home in order to listen to his brand new Pure Prairie League record that he declared was "off limits" because it was so precious. Glenda, on the other hand, knew that Cousin Mary was staying home to masturbate. She had considered doing the same. Had she of spoke sooner, history would not have been altered.

The family went and ate, did some shopping, and then soon returned home. When they arrived on the porch, they heard Cousin Mary masturbating inside the house. She was loud, and moaning with intense ecstasy: "Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree!"

They opened up the door, and there it was: Cousin Mary sprawled out on the living room floor, butt ass naked, pine needles all over the God damn floor, ornaments strewn all over the place, and Cousin Mary's vag might as well have been this year's Christmas Tree stand.

Needless to say, this came as a moderate shock to the family. The children were severely traumatized for nearly 10-15 minutes. Even though Uncle Dwight found the sight of Cousin Mary pleasuring herself to be highly arousing, deep down inside, he knew that his little rickety ass 3 inch penis was no match for the trunk of a Christmas Tree.

Fortunately for The Christmas Tree, Cousin Mary was a heavy cummer, and the tree did not need watered for the remainder of The Holiday Season... although the family had to explain to visitors that there was merely sap on the bottom of the trunk.

After the holidays finally ended, and all of these mother fuckers went back wherever the fuck it was they came from, the family sat at the table and laughed. And they did an imitation of Cousin Mary cooing the soulful tones of self sexual gratification. The neighbors heard this, had no clue what they were talking about, recorded it as a song, and next thing you know, that popular Christmas Carol that you listen to every single year on that Pop and Country Christmas album you like, is all about Cousin Mary pleasuring herself with the tree.

The Top 5 Worst Questions to Ask a Store Employee

"The Top 5 Worst Questions to Ask a Retail Employee"

by Tony J. Neal   

The holidays are here, and that means that retail stores will be flooded with mobs of people who lack the ability to get in and out of a store without making complete asses of themselves. Many seem to have not been out in public since last Christmas, and seem destined to just make life miserable for everybody. Well fear not! I am here to help you. Following these simple guidelines will temporarily make you seem less of a douche... particularly in a public establishment.

Please note, this is NOT a compilation of crude vulgar statements... this is NOT intended to offend anybody... this is NOT written for shock value. However...

#5. "Do you know of a remedy for the herpes sores on my wife's penis?"

Again, this is NOT a compilation of crude statements. In fact, in this category at #5 is any/all sexually crude, vulgar, grotesque, indecent, potentially offensive question there is. Some might even be grosser than the one I mentioned... just made it up off the top of my head. Come up with the grossest most vulgar question you can possibly think of, and it will rank #5. We are not trying to shock anybody here. The point is, there are 4 frequently asked questions that rank far worse than the most grotesque sexually crude violent vile statement you could possibly think of. 

And yes, all of these questions are significantly WORSE. Let's just hope that you are not guilty of these infractions.

#4. "Can I ask you a question?"

This IS a question. Any store employee you approach with this question will automatically respond in their head with: "NO!!! Now get the fuck out of my face!"

Asking to ask is possibly the most pointless charade a person can do. It's along the same lines as smoking tobacco out of a water bong... it's just something you don't do because it makes no sense whatsoever.

Also, there are severe consequences to asking this question...

In 1956, Gertrude Pelinski entered a Sack's 5th Avenue store and asked store employee Herbert Youngblood if she could ask him a question. Herbert never gave Gertrude permission to ask a question, and therefore need not ever answer one. He looked at her, and then walked away without saying anything.

Gertrude followed Herbert around for 17 years, tapping him on the shoulder, saying, "sir! Oh sir. Can I ask you a question?" Finally, in June of 1973, Gertrude was tragically shot and killed by an unknown assassin.

Can I ask who shot her?

#3. "Why is this so expensive?"

Bitch! Like I know!

Chances are, unless you are an Anarcho-Communist, YOU are the reason why it is so expensive... or at least you support the reasons for price inflation.

Unless you are at the corporate office around the committee whose only job is to select an appropriate price for merchandise, whoever you ask this to had nothing to do with the price of the item. The employee does not know why it is so expensive. The person does not care. The person wants nothing more other than for you to shut the fuck up and go away.

If you know how poorly retail workers were paid, you might also know that the employee you violated with a stupid question also cannot afford the product, and now has to deal with unneeded hassles to coincide with his/her shitty pay.

It risks the danger of receiving an answer such as: "It is so expensive because the only people interested in buying it are degenerate fuckheads who we would rather not have to deal with. We have purposely jacked up the prices of certain items as a means of weeding out the garbage who we feel tarnishes the image of our store."

#2. "Where are the eggs?"

Seriously, if you are over the age 9 months and still don't know where to find the eggs in a grocery store, there is something severely wrong with you. As it stands now, certain employees are required to physically walk customers to the eggs. One person recently told me, "it's OK, you don't have to show me... you can just tell me."

And I thought to myself, "no, if you can't figure it out on your own, it would take me forever to explain all the details."

The day is nearing when I will NOT assist people finding the eggs. You can find the God damn eggs on your own at Easter, you can surely figure this shit out at a grocery store. I'm not telling you where the fucking eggs are... and I will stand with my arms folded staring at them coldly.

Perhaps people need to think this over. Let's think about it for a moment... where are the eggs? Would they be up front next to check out lanes? How about mixed in with the shampoo?

In another recent experiment,  a person brought the dumbest fucking dog you could ever imagine into the store, Sparky. Sparky was one of those hyper ass dogs that always had his tongue out and was constantly wanting household guests to throw some squeaky ball so that he could stupidly go chasing after it and bring it back. They brought this God damn stupid ass dog in the store, sat him down near the entrance and said,  "Come on Sparky! Good boy! Go find the eggs Sparky! Be a good boy Sparky, and go find the eggs. Find the eggs, boy."

And they turned Sparky loose. The stupid ass dog went running up and down the aisles with his tongue out, knocking shit all over the place, and sure enough, Sparky found the eggs... even raised his leg and pissed all over the display. The bottom line is, if you cannot find the eggs, chances are, you are dumber than Sparky.

And that brings us to #1.

Let's say you had been sent to the store... this was your first time out in public since the steam engine was invented. You get inside the store, and you are just overwhelmed. This store just seems like a hedge maze and everything seems to be written in a foreign language. You had been searching for hours, and simply put, finding the eggs presented far too great of a struggle and there's no way you could pull this off without assistance. At this point, you surrender everything, and have to ask one of the store's employees. Finally, you see somebody working... wearing a uniform and putting shit on the shelves... and ask... the WORST MOST ANNOYING QUESTION POSSIBLE...

 #1. "Do you work here?"

In 1987, the worst case scenario happened to Rex Dwingbatter at a Piggly Wiggly in Charleston, WV. He asked, and the Gods from above programmed the clerk to actually say what 96% of all retail employees think when they hear this question: 


"NO MOTHER FUCKER!!! I COME HERE ON MY OWN TIME AND START PUTTING RANDOM SHIT ON THE FUCKING SHELVES BECAUSE IT'S FUN! I LOVE THE PIGGLY WIGGLY UNIFORMS!!!"

The clerk from Piggly Wiggly removed a rifle and shot Rex Dwingbatter and sent him flying through a glass door, that sent busted glass and frozen pizza all over the elegantly decorated Piggly Wiggly.

This one question was the final straw. Nobody would even help Rex, and with a bullet in his stomach, he had to drive himself to the emergency room. Once he arrived at the hospital, the stupid son-of-a-bitch had the nerve to ask a nurse wearing scrubs and a name badge with the hospital logo on it, "Excuse ma'am, do you work here?"

26 years later, Rex is still in a coma.

Please do your part, follow these simple guidelines, and we can all be happily in love... This is going to be the best Christmas EV-ERRRRR!!!!



NC-17 SOUNDTRAXXX is being edited, revised, and published. The literature content is gradually being removed for publication or  being transferred to the upcoming site: MHQ HEADQUARTERS. The music countdowns, however, shall remain here.

In the meantime... our first actual book publication, a dystopian epic: The Mansion 


According to the plant and animal life on Earth, which eventually unfriends the human race amidst bold accusations coming from an oddly-shaped row of trees: the concepts of government, religion, and economics were fabricated by the same sources that devised such absurdity as Black Friday sales, fashionable bowling attire, expiration dates for vaginal lube, and marketing strategies to entice specifically targeted mayonnaise consumers … and these sources obviously did not originate on the Planet Earth. From Prohibition to the dystopian future plagued with revolution, animosity towards society, and farming hippos with growth hormones, characters such as Squirrel Abraham and Jimmers Waffles (raccoon) not only challenge the status quo, but also question the entire history that created it.

Compiling 30 Sections and 68 different themes and storylines, which explore topics ranging from concepts of customer service to victimless crimes to a town in West Virginia that repeatedly becomes a ghost town; and featuring guest appearances from the likes of seahorses, dragonflies, praying mantis, chickens, and raccoon, The Mansion chronicles the plight of the human race, where Primitive Man evolved into the species known as Homo Bowler, and set out to destroy the world in a quest for decorative plates, generic shoes, and non-dairy powdered creamer.







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