2013/12/23

The War on Bread

"The War on Bread" 

by Tony J. Neal   

And so the world needed a new arch nemesis, and they choose Bread. Why?

There is some speculation that somebody out there just fucking hated this shit and wanted it gone. Others have theorized that it was due to a backlash from the pussy ass 70's soft rock band Bread headed by David Gates; his distant relative Bill Gates was so ashamed of their lame ass fucking music that he went to war against all forms of Bread. Many have claimed that this is the plot of Satan because bread is commonly considered the body of our savior Jesus Christ and that ridding the world of Bread means Satan could officially rule the world.

The first insurgence against Bread was conducted by General Atkins. This mother fucker invented a diet that claimed that reducing the intake of carbs (stressing strongly on bread) that people will lose weight. Well kiss my 128 pound carb eating ass on that one!

After people gradually realized that this so-called Bread-free diet was a crock of shit, the powers that be invented a supplement located within Bread called gluten and then declared that people were allergic to this shit. And, people actually bought into this fabricated theory.

Just one day out of the blue, people were suddenly allergic to Bread. Yesterday they were eating sandwiches, just as they had been their whole entire lives. The next day, they were mysteriously allergic to this new deadly allergen found only in Bread that contains wheat. People have reportedly died from this! (Nobody had ever died from this.)

Unfortunately for the A.A.B. Brigade, too many people like myself never bought into this ridiculous notion, the fabricated Gluten Allergy was deemed a hoax, and more strategies needed implemented. ** A.A.B. = Assassins Against Bread.

Finally, they had some key officials target the leading manufacturer of Bread, particularly Bread that contained the deadly substance known as wheat. After several years of claiming that this once prosperous Bread tasted like utter dog shit, the corporate executives cashed their enormous paychecks, sacked the employees who had gone on strike from the severity of oppression they had been receiving, and just like that, Wonder Bread was no longer being manufactured. In a bizarre twist, some of the Hostess products returned... such as Twinkies and Ho Ho's... but not that shitty ass mother fucking Wonder Bread, that shit had the deadly wheat in it, and now Wonder Bread appears as extinct as the brontosaurus was generations before it.

This raises a multitude of questions as to why the most powerful executives in the world decided to target Bread as the enemy. Conspiracy theories have developed as a result. Being as most people in the world view the 9/11 terrorist attacks as an inside job, some feel that Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and George Bush might be able to plea temporary insanity caused from Bread ingestion as the cause of their mental disturbance.

But, the people have spoke.

There are over 300 million people living in the US and the number is rising. Also on the rise is the plight of the corporations attempting to take over for commerce... which has been the case since the incarnation of this country... that's why Indians now live on reservations and mother fucking white supremacist Andrew Jackson is on the $20 Bill.

American corporations are too greedy to be concerned with anything other than their bank account... moving upwards instead of outwards is not an option... people are so stupid that inhabiting another planet seems unfathomable; sending some unmanned robot ship to Mars to take a few pictures was considerable progress for these people.

They had to move somewhere.

Yes, the people did speak.

"I fucking hate Kansas! Driving through Kansas is boring. All that is there is wheat fields and corn fields."

The imperialist plight had to move somewhere. Wheat fields are stupid. Wheat fields are boring. Who the fuck really gives a fuck about Bread anyway? We can manufacture gluten free Bread, without all of this God damn wheat in it, get rid of these stupid ass fucking wheat fields, and transform them into shopping centers, sub-divisions, corporate chains, and the next implement of suburban culture that is exactly like every single other suburban shopping plaza.

We need this money. We need to expand. These fields are useless. They will be better as commerce producing subsidiaries that stabilizes our economy the way that it should be... generating billions of dollars for the CEO's while creating thousands of minimum wage jobs that people will hate but will be forced to take in order to pay the rent for those shitty apartment complexes we erected on the former wheat fields.

That's us. That's what we do. This is our freedom. This is our way of life. Fuck you. And fuck Bread!

Sincerely,

Wal Mart, Applebee's, Jo-Ann Fabrics, Pier 1 Imports, McDonald's, Exxon-Mobil, Wendy's, Kohl's, Sears, Old Navy, Chick-Fil-A, Fox News, CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS, Tire Discounters, Holiday Inn, General Motors, President Obama, former Presidents Bush Sr.,Bush Jr., and Bill Clinton, Time-Warner Cable, Subway, BP Gas, Shell Gas, your local grocer, convenient store, Congressman, CEO's of all products within all the stores, and probably that shitty ass mother fucking Red Baron Pizza.

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