"The Top 5 Worst Questions to Ask a Retail Employee"
by Tony J. Neal
The holidays are here, and that means that retail stores will be flooded with mobs of people who lack the ability to get in and out of a store without making complete asses of themselves. Many seem to have not been out in public since last Christmas, and seem destined to just make life miserable for everybody. Well fear not! I am here to help you. Following these simple guidelines will temporarily make you seem less of a douche... particularly in a public establishment.
Please note, this is NOT a compilation of crude vulgar statements... this is NOT intended to offend anybody... this is NOT written for shock value. However...
#5. "Do you know of a remedy for the herpes sores on my wife's penis?"
Again, this is NOT a compilation of crude statements. In fact, in this category at #5 is any/all sexually crude, vulgar, grotesque, indecent, potentially offensive question there is. Some might even be grosser than the one I mentioned... just made it up off the top of my head. Come up with the grossest most vulgar question you can possibly think of, and it will rank #5. We are not trying to shock anybody here. The point is, there are 4 frequently asked questions that rank far worse than the most grotesque sexually crude violent vile statement you could possibly think of.
And yes, all of these questions are significantly WORSE. Let's just hope that you are not guilty of these infractions.
#4. "Can I ask you a question?"
This IS a question. Any store employee you approach with this question will automatically respond in their head with: "NO!!! Now get the fuck out of my face!"
Asking to ask is possibly the most pointless charade a person can do. It's along the same lines as smoking tobacco out of a water bong... it's just something you don't do because it makes no sense whatsoever.
Also, there are severe consequences to asking this question...
In 1956, Gertrude Pelinski entered a Sack's 5th Avenue store and asked store employee Herbert Youngblood if she could ask him a question. Herbert never gave Gertrude permission to ask a question, and therefore need not ever answer one. He looked at her, and then walked away without saying anything.
Gertrude followed Herbert around for 17 years, tapping him on the shoulder, saying, "sir! Oh sir. Can I ask you a question?" Finally, in June of 1973, Gertrude was tragically shot and killed by an unknown assassin.
Can I ask who shot her?
#3. "Why is this so expensive?"
Bitch! Like I know!
Chances are, unless you are an Anarcho-Communist, YOU are the reason why it is so expensive... or at least you support the reasons for price inflation.
Unless you are at the corporate office around the committee whose only job is to select an appropriate price for merchandise, whoever you ask this to had nothing to do with the price of the item. The employee does not know why it is so expensive. The person does not care. The person wants nothing more other than for you to shut the fuck up and go away.
If you know how poorly retail workers were paid, you might also know that the employee you violated with a stupid question also cannot afford the product, and now has to deal with unneeded hassles to coincide with his/her shitty pay.
It risks the danger of receiving an answer such as: "It is so expensive because the only people interested in buying it are degenerate fuckheads who we would rather not have to deal with. We have purposely jacked up the prices of certain items as a means of weeding out the garbage who we feel tarnishes the image of our store."
#2. "Where are the eggs?"
Seriously, if you are over the age 9 months and still don't know where to find the eggs in a grocery store, there is something severely wrong with you. As it stands now, certain employees are required to physically walk customers to the eggs. One person recently told me, "it's OK, you don't have to show me... you can just tell me."
And I thought to myself, "no, if you can't figure it out on your own, it would take me forever to explain all the details."
The day is nearing when I will NOT assist people finding the eggs. You can find the God damn eggs on your own at Easter, you can surely figure this shit out at a grocery store. I'm not telling you where the fucking eggs are... and I will stand with my arms folded staring at them coldly.
Perhaps people need to think this over. Let's think about it for a moment... where are the eggs? Would they be up front next to check out lanes? How about mixed in with the shampoo?
In another recent experiment, a person brought the dumbest fucking dog you could ever imagine into the store, Sparky. Sparky was one of those hyper ass dogs that always had his tongue out and was constantly wanting household guests to throw some squeaky ball so that he could stupidly go chasing after it and bring it back. They brought this God damn stupid ass dog in the store, sat him down near the entrance and said, "Come on Sparky! Good boy! Go find the eggs Sparky! Be a good boy Sparky, and go find the eggs. Find the eggs, boy."
And they turned Sparky loose. The stupid ass dog went running up and down the aisles with his tongue out, knocking shit all over the place, and sure enough, Sparky found the eggs... even raised his leg and pissed all over the display. The bottom line is, if you cannot find the eggs, chances are, you are dumber than Sparky.
And that brings us to #1.
Let's say you had been sent to the store... this was your first time out in public since the steam engine was invented. You get inside the store, and you are just overwhelmed. This store just seems like a hedge maze and everything seems to be written in a foreign language. You had been searching for hours, and simply put, finding the eggs presented far too great of a struggle and there's no way you could pull this off without assistance. At this point, you surrender everything, and have to ask one of the store's employees. Finally, you see somebody working... wearing a uniform and putting shit on the shelves... and ask... the WORST MOST ANNOYING QUESTION POSSIBLE...
#1. "Do you work here?"
In 1987, the worst case scenario happened to Rex Dwingbatter at a Piggly Wiggly in Charleston, WV. He asked, and the Gods from above programmed the clerk to actually say what 96% of all retail employees think when they hear this question:
"NO MOTHER FUCKER!!! I COME HERE ON MY OWN TIME AND START PUTTING RANDOM SHIT ON THE FUCKING SHELVES BECAUSE IT'S FUN! I LOVE THE PIGGLY WIGGLY UNIFORMS!!!"
The clerk from Piggly Wiggly removed a rifle and shot Rex Dwingbatter and sent him flying through a glass door, that sent busted glass and frozen pizza all over the elegantly decorated Piggly Wiggly.
This one question was the final straw. Nobody would even help Rex, and with a bullet in his stomach, he had to drive himself to the emergency room. Once he arrived at the hospital, the stupid son-of-a-bitch had the nerve to ask a nurse wearing scrubs and a name badge with the hospital logo on it, "Excuse ma'am, do you work here?"
26 years later, Rex is still in a coma.
Please do your part, follow these simple guidelines, and we can all be happily in love... This is going to be the best Christmas EV-ERRRRR!!!!
NC-17 SOUNDTRAXXX is being edited, revised, and published. The literature content is gradually being removed for publication or being transferred to the upcoming site: MHQ HEADQUARTERS. The music countdowns, however, shall remain here.
In the meantime... our first actual book publication, a dystopian epic: The Mansion
According to the plant and animal life on Earth, which eventually unfriends the human race amidst bold accusations coming from an oddly-shaped row of trees: the concepts of government, religion, and economics were fabricated by the same sources that devised such absurdity as Black Friday sales, fashionable bowling attire, expiration dates for vaginal lube, and marketing strategies to entice specifically targeted mayonnaise consumers … and these sources obviously did not originate on the Planet Earth. From Prohibition to the dystopian future plagued with revolution, animosity towards society, and farming hippos with growth hormones, characters such as Squirrel Abraham and Jimmers Waffles (raccoon) not only challenge the status quo, but also question the entire history that created it.
Compiling 30 Sections and 68 different themes and storylines, which explore topics ranging from concepts of customer service to victimless crimes to a town in West Virginia that repeatedly becomes a ghost town; and featuring guest appearances from the likes of seahorses, dragonflies, praying mantis, chickens, and raccoon, The Mansion chronicles the plight of the human race, where Primitive Man evolved into the species known as Homo Bowler, and set out to destroy the world in a quest for decorative plates, generic shoes, and non-dairy powdered creamer.