"The Annual Celebration of Masturbation"
by Tony J. Neal
Each year, we participate in the joyful celebration of THE most bizarre masturbating spectacle ever witnessed. Aside from me, it seems that not many people are even aware of this.
As we all know, women thoroughly enjoy masturbating with inanimate objects. Whether it be a vibrator, a cucumber, or a 6 ounce container of Yoplait Yogurt, women seem to constantly be on a quest for new and improved items to cram up their pussies in order to compensate for their incompetent douchy male lover's inability to maintain an erection for any longer than 2.3 minutes.
A long long time ago, it was widely known that this was going to be THE BEST CHRISTMAS EV-ERRRR!!!!! OMG!!!
Cousin Mary was coming to town to visit!!! She arrived, as did some of the rest of the family... Uncle Howard, Aunt Beverly, Margaret, some of the in-laws, and a few other assholes that nobody even recognized because they were temporarily shacked up with some of the distant relatives.
It had been several days, and Cousin Mary desperately needed to masturbate. However, it was growing increasingly difficult with all of these damn people constantly around. The rest of the family announced they were going out for dinner that evening, but Cousin Mary insisted that she was sick and was going to be staying home... something wrong with her stomach.
Glenda and Herbert both suspected that Cousin Mary was faking her illness. Herbert feared that she was staying home in order to listen to his brand new Pure Prairie League record that he declared was "off limits" because it was so precious. Glenda, on the other hand, knew that Cousin Mary was staying home to masturbate. She had considered doing the same. Had she of spoke sooner, history would not have been altered.
The family went and ate, did some shopping, and then soon returned home. When they arrived on the porch, they heard Cousin Mary masturbating inside the house. She was loud, and moaning with intense ecstasy: "Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree!"
They opened up the door, and there it was: Cousin Mary sprawled out on the living room floor, butt ass naked, pine needles all over the God damn floor, ornaments strewn all over the place, and Cousin Mary's vag might as well have been this year's Christmas Tree stand.
Needless to say, this came as a moderate shock to the family. The children were severely traumatized for nearly 10-15 minutes. Even though Uncle Dwight found the sight of Cousin Mary pleasuring herself to be highly arousing, deep down inside, he knew that his little rickety ass 3 inch penis was no match for the trunk of a Christmas Tree.
Fortunately for The Christmas Tree, Cousin Mary was a heavy cummer, and the tree did not need watered for the remainder of The Holiday Season... although the family had to explain to visitors that there was merely sap on the bottom of the trunk.
After the holidays finally ended, and all of these mother fuckers went back wherever the fuck it was they came from, the family sat at the table and laughed. And they did an imitation of Cousin Mary cooing the soulful tones of self sexual gratification. The neighbors heard this, had no clue what they were talking about, recorded it as a song, and next thing you know, that popular Christmas Carol that you listen to every single year on that Pop and Country Christmas album you like, is all about Cousin Mary pleasuring herself with the tree.