2013/12/23

Song Interpretations: Call Me Maybe

I'll tell ya what the problem is, people done lost sight of the truth! People just go spewing off at the mouth when they ain't got they fucking facts straight. So let me set the record street here...

What a lot of y'all seem to have forgotten is that Carly Rae Jepsen is really a man, and HIS hit song "Here's My Number, So Call Me Maybe" is about being in prison. People's done misunderstood the lyrics and forgot about the fact that Carly is actually Carl.

Now I know a lot of people like this song because they think that this shit is so unreal, abnormal, and wild and crazy for a woman to approach a man. In actuality, that shit happens to me all the time. You just hang out at any bar after 1:30 and somebody will approach you with her number, and ain't none of these got any class. (Although that could be because I don't have any class either, and that's why other women with no class are constantly trying to get with me.) Sorry to break it to you, not only is this very common, but, Carly was indeed a man.

This shit is evident with the most mispronounced lyrics of the song: "And all the boys, try and shank me." As most of you are well aware from the time you spent locked up in the joint, or from watching various movies and whatnot, "shank" is a prison term for "knife" and to shank somebody means to stab somebody with a knife.

See, when (then) he went to prison, Carl was a little frail little bastard and mother fuckers kept trying to stab his ass. The only way he could save himself was to become a bitch. So he went to the cafeteria, tracked down Milton (AKA- The Electric Shaver, because he was known for giving his victims a close "shave", if you know what I mean, with an electric chainsaw) and agreed to be his bitch for protection on the inside... was like, I know I just met you and all, told him that this was crazy, but gave him his number and said call me maybe. The number Carl gave Milton was his 44-20865, his inmate number.

Now here's when shit gets interesting. A reason a lot of people don't like this song is (aside from that it genuinely sucks and is totally fucking annoying) is that they misunderstood the lyrics at the end thinking it was a contradiction. The way it really goes is, "before you came in tonight, I missed you so bad." People be thinking: "I missed you? I thought you just me this mother fucker!?!? Bitch!!!"

What it is, is that Carl had a boyfriend on the outside named Sherm... and this has been widely documented by EVERYBODY- everybody except for you of course, cuz you obviously don't know shit! But while Carl was serving a 3-5 for constantly stealing his neighbor's mail (and that's another lesson we all know: if you be stealing shit out of other people's mailboxes, you WILL get caught) the inevitable happened... Sherm got busted stealing rolls of copper wire again, just like everybody said he would.

They gave Sherm 3-5, but he didn't really give a fuck ya know... he was just happy to be back with his boyfriend Carl. However, when he gets there, he finds out that his lover Carl is now a mother fucking Carly and mated with some mother fucking serial killer best known for slicing people's faces off with a God damn chainsaw. Now- everybody knows that- except for, cuz you been living a fucking cave obviously!

So, that's that toughest most complex love story of all. Carl, now a fucking Carly, in love with mother fucker Sherm, who loves this mother fucker way better as a bitch anyway, and they got to hide their love affair from some mother fucker with a chainsaw. Sherm was in the next cell, and was technically coveting thy neighbor's wife. This is some deep shit here. Deep deep deep shit! And I am not joking. He missed him so bad, and I think you, of all people, should know that.

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