2013/12/23

Product Review: Red Baron Pizza

Product Review: Red Baron Pizza

Price: Unknown

Description: Widely consumed frozen pizza that receives very little love. In fact, in a recent survey, 500 million people were asked: "What is your favorite pizza?" and not a single one of them answered Red Baron.


Product is very rarely purchased for full price in the day time by sober people at the supermarket. Red Baron is most frequently purchased when on sale or during the late night hours by consumers who are so fucking drunk they may not even remember buying the thing; Red Baron is commonly purchased at gas stations after bar close when no other options are available.

Due to the fact that a high amount of consumers are severely intoxicated, Red Baron pizza related house fires contribute to nearly 1,400 deaths in the US each year. It does raise conspiracy theories as to why the company selected an infamous fighter pilot notorious for burning down houses as their logo. The only company that rivals Red Baron for deaths attributed to house fires is fellow frozen pizza cohort Tombstone... coincidentally, a name also affiliated with death.

Because of its reputation and appeal to those who are only seeking a meal that requires minimal time and effort for preparation, Red Baron need not focus much attention on quality. The estimated cost to actually make a Red Baron pizza is approximately 63 cents. Red Baron manufacturers often drop the ingredients on the floor and simply reuse them because nobody gives a flying fuck about this crap because the people who eat it are so God damn drunk that most of them drop the pizza on their own floor anyway and still eat it... as if hurts anything... as if the debris lying on the kitchen floor is any different than the shit that's actually in the pizza.

Even though extremely durable, Red Baron pizzas rarely expire. People normally eat this shit the moment they arrive home with it. Very rarely will a Red Baron pizza actually enter a freezer in somebody's home. That said, Red Baron pizza is considered an "impulse buy" as people only buy one when they are drunk and essentially starving. Nobody craves Red Baron pizza or plans to buy one weeks in advance.

A recent study reviewed the entire database of everything that had ever been said in the entire history of The Universe... they typed in the key phrase: "I am craving some Red Baron pizza" and the screen displayed: "No Results Found." When revealed how Red Baron Pizza was most commonly used in a sentence: "Fuck it, let's just get a Red Baron pizza."

A 22 year old college student recently purchased a Red Baron pizza relatively sober. After the pizza was finished baking, Alison Palmer cut off one slice of pizza and placed it on a plate, and then promptly threw the remainder of the pizza straight in the garbage. She then grabbed a paper towel and carried the slice of pizza on the plate into her room and ate the damn thing while she fiddled around her computer.

Was she concerned with the still fresh and warm pizza she had discarded in the trash. Please view Fig. 1 for the results.

Fig.1 One woman's concern for the Red Baron pizza she had thrown in the trash.


Afterwards, she sat the plate still bearing a few crumbs from the crust and the wadded up paper towel on the end table next to her bed and fell asleep. There the plate sat in her room for a grand total of 12 days, 9 on the end table, and the final 3 on her otherwise clean floor because she needed to use the end table to plug in her phone for the alarm clock. With the plate of a few crumbs lying on her otherwise clean floor, Alison slept soundly as if she didn't have a care in the world.

She did, however, wash the pizza cutter immediately after use. Once she made the slice, she simply ran the pizza cutter underneath lukewarm running water until the faded red circle of sauce had vanished, flicked the pizza cutter a few times to somewhat remove any access water, and then put the pizza cutter haphazardly back in the drawer. She did not use soap nor did she allow the water to become that hot.

Alison never allowed herself to even get full... she went into this purchase knowing damn good and well that 75% of the pizza was going to pitched in the fucking waste basket. That goes to show just how much people value the efforts put into making a Red Baron pizza.

Howard simply ate his pizza off the cardboard "dish" that came with the pizza for free. His was slightly burnt because he was stoned as a mother fucker when he placed it in the oven and damn near forgot about it. Slightly burnt means that it more so resembled Cajun blackened chicken strips than a pizza.

People might purchase Red Baron pizza so frequently because they know exactly what they are getting. That was not the case with me... Please see Fig. 2

Fig.2 Actual photograph of the Red Baron pizza I bought... taken from my phone.

However, because this could just be my own personal misfortune, I will not grade the product because somebody accidentally dropped it off a cliff.

The particular model that I purchased was deemed "Self Rising." They promoted this as if this were some brilliant innovation that was guaranteed to revolutionize the world. The mother fucker obviously couldn't rise itself up off the cliff that somebody dropped it from. But, I assumed that maybe its deformity was supposed to appear that way because this all new and exciting "Self Rising" shit might pop the pizza back into place. It's a magic trick.

The box had an important message: "DO NOT EAT FROZEN"

Who the fuck did this? For them to place this on the container means that there had to have been a complaint:

Dear Red Baron pizza,

I took a bite of your pizza and it broke all my fucking teeth out. I demand a refund of $4.86 or however much this shit cost.

The box indicated that this "Self Rising" crust was going to be soft. If somebody approached me and asked me to describe this crust with one word, "soft" would not even come to mind. In fact, if soft was simply a yes or no question, I would most definitely vote no. If this is their definition of soft, we should all be thankful that there is no such thing as Red Baron toilet paper.

Because they described their product as "soft" and knowing most of their customers are either so fucking drunk they'll eat one after its been dropped on the floor or so fucking stupid they'll try to eat the shit while it is still frozen, more than likely some asshole out there somewhere actually tried to use this as toilet paper... and suffered a terrible tragedy as a result... and more letters were sent to the company.

Phillip Hernandez did this, crammed the scorching hot pizza up his ass, and sure enough, the mother fucker died. Lloyd Carter bought into this theory as well, and was soon killed in a house fire; not because of the pizza, but because his home was struck by a Vietnamese tank. Lloyd lived in the suburbs of Des Moines, IA and nobody has any fucking idea how the God damn tank ended up in mother fucking Iowa.

Believe it or not, I actually cooked the mother fucker and did not attempt to blow my nose with it or use it as a pillow. Needless to say, the pizza did not pop back into place once it was finished. Whatever... it was a fucking Red Baron, what more do you expect.

Rating:  **1/2

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