2013/12/23

Product Review: Mayonnaise vs. Miracle Whip

Product Review: Harris Teeter "Real" Mayonnaise  

This shit fucking sucks! This shit, like all other "real" mayonnaises tastes like spoiled Miracle Whip that somebody left out on the counter with the lid open. In fact, chalk up the same thing for mustard, ketchup, and any other shitty non-Miracle Whip substances that has the nerve to refer to itself as a condiment.

Rating: 0   I'm not even eating the rest of it; It ruined two sandwiches already and that's bad enough. I'm taking the rest of the jar to Goodwill first thing in the morning.



Product Review: Kraft Miracle Whip  

Mayonnaise looking substance that is listed as "salad dressing" on the label. When used properly on a sandwich, this product really is a "miracle" and has revolutionized the mayonnaise industry where all competitors now have to refer to themselves as "real" mayonnaise because they could not be honest and consider themselves "Spoiled Miracle Whip." It will never be taken for granted ever again.

Rating: 10/10 Essential Purchase!!! Now I'm rooting for the Patriots to win the Super Bowl.


*However, I could not even fathom the notion of putting Miracle Whip on a salad as dressing. In fact, don't you find it a bit odd that it is kept with the mayonnaise and not the 1000 Island dressing? I sense a conspiracy and this so-called "real" mayonnaise shit is showing symptoms of jealousy.

** The Miracle Whip that I have in the refrigerator expired on 10/19... and it still tastes better than "real" mayonnaise. Also, during its lifespan, it was left out once over night, and endured a sweltering 5.4 mile walk home from Kohl's. This means that you really have to add some deadly contaminants to Miracle Whip in order to have it taste like "real" mayonnaise. Possibilities include lead, mercury, cyanide, rat piss, and/or gasoline.

*** One of the secrets for maintaining my youthful image and slim physique is that I use Miracle Whip instead of mayonnaise. Real mayonnaise is shit used in coleslaw. Because I have never eaten nasty ass shitty mayonnaise based coleslaw, I am never going to die.

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