I've decided that I am going to write a cook book called: "Comfort Foods for Cannibals" The first featured recipe will be Deep Fried Breaded Oprah.
Now I've decided that I want to make a sing-a-long porno version of The Little Mermaid featuring the song: "There's a Ho in the Bottom of the Sea."
The first verse would obviously feature a sweltering solo scene starring The Little Mermaid, but then the 2nd verse... "There's Sponge Bob in The Ho in the bottom of the sea..." with new characters being added with each progressive verse... "There's Nemo in Sponge Bob in The Ho in the bottom of the sea..."
Unfortunately, not all characters are aquatic and the story will tragically end with 7 dead dwarfs floating face down at the top of the sea.
I've decided I am going to write stupid lame mushy Top 40 pop songs that are played in stores. My first song goes: "Don't want no kiss, no hugs... no sex, no drugs... I just want to snuggle with you" ... "With you."
I've devised the solution! This year, my New Year's Resolution is to give up social anxiety. Beginning tonight, I am going to mingle with total strangers and initiate conversation with people I have never met... I might even tell some random person my entire life story- which I've never done. Once I've cured my social anxiety, I can stop taking my social anxiety medication... which is smoking cigarettes. Such a genius I am! I should have thought of this sooner.
And since nobody else would write a "Missed Connection" about me, I decided to write one on myself.
W4M: Cute Skinny Boy at Harris Teeter (AVL)
I saw you at Harris Teeter filling the eggs. You are sooooo cute! I want to have your baby. Will you cum into my room and fill my eggs?
I've decided that I AM NORMAL... plain, average, and ordinary... and that's final!
I've decided that this years most popular phrase is: "Seriously? What the Hell? There is something seriously fucking wrong with you!!!"
This phrase seems to keep coming up in what I consider ordinary conversation. People also seem to say this after everything I say.
I've decided that I am in love with a cashier at Harris Teeter... and it was kind of a love at first sight. The odds I will ever speak to her... approximately 0%; the odds she feels this same attraction for me... approximately 0%.
I've decided that I am moving to Olympia, WA in February!
I've decided that I am going to make a zombie movie. The trailer will feature Snow White boarding up her house with the Seven Dwarfs frantically trying to bust through the windows to eat her. Also starring (as zombies) Pinocchio, The Little Mermaid, Donald Duck, and 101 God damn dogs with rabies.
I decided I want to make a video in which former pop country superstars Wynonna & Naomi Judd kidnap Marilyn Manson, lock him in a closet, and viciously beat him, rape him, and make him their concubine slave. The name of the song will be "I Don't Like The Judds (But The Judds Like Me)"