The Shining Page 3

Indecent Interpretation of The Shining
PART III: Only Losers Keep America Clean

(Press Play to hear the Alternate Soundtrack)

The Overlook Hotel had to be considered a grandiose wonder of the world. Construction began in 1907 and it is amazing how they were able to haul all of that heavy ass shit up the side of a mountain long before the semi was invented. Steering a semi truck up that long and winding road would have been extremely treacherous; carrying marble tiles for the Grand Gold Ballroom had to have been a painstaking, nearly impossible process. Few people in this world have even climbed a mountain; even less can boast accomplishing this feat while carrying a chandelier in their back-pack.

According to Dick Hallorann, they could eat there for a full year without having the same thing twice. However, after Dick reviewed the contents contained in the freezer, the available selection was not that impressive. There are some enormous fat ass mother fuckers residing in this country who could go through all of that shit in a couple of weeks… which might explain why the hiring committee would never consider residents from Mississippi.

Finally, all of these mother fuckers left the building… and took all the damn beer with them. It was considered too much of a hassle with the insurance company to keep alcohol on the premises throughout the winter. Sadly, this aspect might disqualify Jesus from being hired as the caretaker of The Overlook Hotel. 

The only person capable of saving this hotel was disqualified because of some corporate insurance policy. While he could uplift the curse, the whole turning water into wine routine might create turmoil should The Hotel ever be audited by the insurance agency. One can’t help but wonder how much the fine would have been if the auditing insurance agent went to the bathroom and discovered that the toilet was filled with fine wine.

It probably would have been worth it though to uplift this curse that had been recurring since approximately 1921…maybe even longer. The Overlook Hotel was reportedly built on top of an ancient burial ground… and the builders even had to ward off a few attacks. Fortunately, this racial profiling cliché was never brought up again. The implication of the concept is enough to possibly explain the intended cause of the curse.

Why the fuck would white people want to build anything atop any sacred burial ground. This is a completely disrespectful, hideous, deplorable, act of selfish daintiness. This meant that a pack of rich white people came strolling atop the peak of a mountain, accompanied with a pack of Capitalist Slaves who they had forced (paid $4) to climb the mountain while carrying the heavy duty, duper deluxe, guaranteed to turn white bitches green Model T-244A Extravagant Bath Tub. And they built rooms, with hundreds of queen-sized mattresses and other heavy ass pieces of furniture, and then placed it atop Uncle Sitting Bull’s final resting place. White people would shit a brick if somebody did this exact same process to Francine Margaret’s grave, and nobody knows who the fuck she even is.

The fact they did this in the first place means only one thing:


~ Quote from an unnamed NFL Referee who wished to penalize The Overlook Hotel "15 yards" for Unsportsmanlike Conduct on the grounds of "taunting."

The last mattress I purchased, in Milwaukee, WI, I lugged that son-of-a-bitch 1.4 miles from the Big Lots on Capitol to my apartment on the corner of Capitol and Farwell. Also, it damn near killed me hauling that son-of-a-bitch up three flights of steps to the 2nd floor and through the doors. I could not even imagine having to carry one up the side of a mountain that may or may not have been paved yet. Hell, when I moved, I left the mattress in Milwaukee and I now sleep on the floor. That sucks equally bad.

Colorado became a state in 1876 and Denver was founded in 1858 (incorporated 1861). By 1907 when construction began on the hotel, it is doubtful that too much of it was fully developed for hotel construction.

Finally, it was just the three of them… one happy family… or so it seemed. The very moment the other employees left, Jack Torrance began slacking immediately. Not even a week had gone by, and the mother fucker was already sleeping late and lazily sitting around the lobby attempting to write something in which he did not even have one single idea. Yet, he had told the hiring committee that he was prepared to work on a writing project that he had been planning… fucking liar! It sounds to me like the mother fucker just didn’t want to do any work whatsoever… the required maintenance was obviously out of the question.

Wendy, on the other hand, woke up early in the morning in order to perform her activities. She even went so far as to fix him breakfast and serve him the shit on a silver platter in bed. Her ass wasn’t employed by the hotel and Jack was technically on the clock. It should have been him serving her breakfast.

Talk about an easy job! All he did was sit around in a chair typing all day or play around like a God damn kid by throwing a tennis ball at the wall repeatedly and catching it.

Danny and Wendy at least made some attempt to enjoy some recreational activities. The Hedge Maze at The Overlook Hotel also had to be considered a remarkable Wonder of the World. Creation of this maze alone was a piece of art that required immense skill and intense research… not to mention, the stone park benches involved even more excessively heavy shit to be carried up the mountain. I’m guessing that somebody had to have dropped one of them and sent the mother fucker tumbling down the side of a mountain and crashing into the construction project of what was to be the first ever Jo-Ann Fabrics in the state of Colorado.

It would also seem to be a safety hazard-- one that might even boost insurance deductibles even higher than having a 12-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon in the refrigerator. A person could easily get lost in this maze and that would be a frightening experience. Maybe this is the real reason why they removed the alcohol from The Hotel; a previous caretaker had attempted to solve this maze while drunk off his ass and ended up passed out on one of the park benches… the same bench that took out the unfortunate soul who was to be the first ever manager of Colorado's first Jo-Ann Fabrics franchise... and she was the actual cause of the curse.

When the mother fucker finally sobered up, and figured out where he was and how to get out of the maze, he  was under the infamous Jo-Ann Fabrics curse and chopped up his whole family with an axe... at the request of Lorraine, the would-be manager of Jo-Ann Fabrics.

An intriguing bet was made between Wendy and Danny racing through the maze: The loser had to keep America clean. Only a real loser would ever want to do something like that. The winner must have been awarded an all-expense paid vacation to Cincinnati, Ohio where one need not be concerned with such petty bullshit.

I am unsure which one wrote the “loser has to keep America clean” line but the emphasis on that line had to mean something. A loser having to keep America clean has numerous implications and the fact that Wendy did not cheat (she could have tackled Danny, buried his face in the ground, and then beat him senselessly so that the little cock sucker would forever be condemned to keeping America clean) meant that she would ultimately be responsible for keeping the country clean.

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All Sections Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal



1. Francis Lai
"Promenade"  3:45

2. Mount Eerie
"The Hidden Stone"  3:47
Wind’s Poem

3. Dome
"Ba-Dr"  4:04

4. Mars
"Tunnel"  2:42
No New York

5. Julee Cruise
"I Remember"  4:13
Floating into the Night

6. Shit & Shine
"'Jream Baby 'Jream"  5:41
'Jream Baby 'Jream

7. Jandek
"Caper"  5:48
Foreign Keys

8. UT
"Stain"  5:31

9. Four Tet
"Love Cry"  9:13
There Is Love in You

10. The Dead C
"Children"  3:36
Eusa Kills

11. Tuxedomoon
"(Special Treatment for the) Family Man"  5:11
Scream with a View

12. The Black Heart Procession
"Stitched to My Heart"  5:29

13. Kryzysztof Penderecki
"De Natura Sonoris No. 2"  9:03
The Shining Soundtrack

14. Aaron Dilloway
"Shatter All Organized Activities (Eat The Rich)"  9:03
Modern Jester

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