Indecent Interpretation of The Shining


(Press Play to hear the Alternate Soundtrack)

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a caretaker. I mean, where else can one work and be extremely lazy, do absolutely nothing, and then be compensated immortality all the while enjoying nights of hot steamy sex with rotted green bitches in the company bathtub? Certainly not Kohl's! When you're a caretaker, if anybody fucks with you, you simply chop them up with an axe and they never say shit again... it's the title of utmost respect.

These aspirations first came to me at age 7 when I saw The Shining for the very first time. At the time, the film scared the living shit out of me and I had nightmares for several weeks. But, I knew I eventually had to overcome these fears and stop acting like such a God damned sissy if I was ever going to experience the joys of having two creepy ass dead girls randomly showing up in the middle of the night all mutilated and shit... it certainly beats Wilma and Sherman coming over every God damn night bumming all my cigarettes. Of course, I've always been plagued with vivid nightmares; Wilma and Sherman know this because they've always been here.

Back when I was 7, I was not very cool at all and pretty much my only purpose in life was evidence as to why abortion should remain legal. I knew nothing of Stanley Kubrick, Stephen King, or the past works of any of the actors and actresses involved with the film. As time passed and I developed at least moderate knowledge on film and cinema, I developed two contrasting opinions regarding this film.

Furthermore, it is one of the few instances in history in which a brilliant minded innovative film maker was allotted a relatively unlimited budget, all the resources necessary required to perform tricky camera shots, and the artistic freedom to create anything the director wished. Most intensely creative film makers are delegated low budgets because their complex work supposedly does not have mass appeal (film agencies have been misled that the public is only interested in rehashed romantic comedies or massive explosions.) A prime example of this particular time period would be David Lynch’s Eraserhead, which had obvious influence on The Shining, and more than likely was limited to an even lower budget than the first 5 minutes of The Shining.

Much of the filming of The Shining could not be achieved with the budget assessed to Eraserhead; nor could be accomplished by a film maker lacking Kubrick’s creative brilliance (David Lynch, however, is the most brilliant film maker in history and doesn't even need any budget whatsoever to create a masterpiece). Therefore, I am not 100% convinced that Stephen King’s visualization of The Shining, his own creation, even remotely resembled Kubrick’s final product.

The opening scene alone required resources unavailable to most film artists. From somebody writing a screenplay at the exact same time as I am writing this, I do not have the luxury to even remotely consider this scene because the necessities required for the footage are not at my disposal. Few people have the ability to hire a helicopter pilot in order to conduct aerial footage… let alone for this type of scenery. I had one time attempted to perform this shot myself while flying the helicopter on my own, but I accidentally crashed the helicopter into my neighbor's house. Oh well, fuck it, I never cared much for Wilma and Sherman anyway. Although I saw a slight increase in my 1-800-SAFE-HELICOPTER premium, at least I don't have to deal with those two miserable fucks coming over and pestering me in the middle of the night anymore.

I had heard people from Colorado discussing these types of roads; roads that should a driver accidentally veer an inch, the car would drop off the side and freefall into imminent explosion. Supposedly a lot of deer had ingested hallucinogenic herbs in the mountain forest, and plunged off the side of the mountain. On that note, there is a deer version of The Shining where Bambi and Flower and the rest of them fucking assholes mysteriously show up in the forest and scare the living shit out of rabbits riding around on big wheels... one of those fucking rabbits drove his big wheel off the side of the road.

There is also a rabbit version of The Shining and it is called Watership Down. The ultimate example of the true meaning of "The Shining" is the behavioral patterns of the rabbit character Fiver. Instead of visualizing blood spilling from the elevator, Fiver had a vision of blood flooding the tunnels of the burrow. Being as Watership Down predates The Shining, The Shining is technically a human version of Watership Down.

The choice to use The Overlook Hotel was an excellent decision, and the permission to do so might have taken intense negotiating… the hotel would be forever changed. It is, in fact, a real hotel and some people check Craigslist on a daily basis to see if there are any openings for the next caretaker position. The current occupant of the caretaker position at The Overlook Hotel is Edwin Stottlemeyer from Rock Castle, Missouri who took the job some time ago. There are numerous rumors regarding Mr. Stottlemeyer and the whereabouts of his wife and kids are currently unknown.

Opening with “The Interview,” Jack Torrance performs a clinic on how to effectively and professionally impress a potential hiring committee. Even his response to the coffee offer was perfectly worded. I am assuming that Stephen King wrote this; if so, he could possibly consider writing manuals on how to appropriately handle a job interview. Also, because it is now a memorable scene, it also proves instantly that Jack Nicholson is irreplaceable as the film’s star. Should the exact same interview be conducted using any other actor, it would have an entirely different effect.

There are numerous curious aspects though with this interview. The “manager” requested that his secretary, a female, go fetch the coffee for the group. She did so without complaining and with the utmost politeness.

I do not have the ability to request anybody to get up and make me coffee, especially a woman. If I ever asked a woman to get up and fetch me coffee, I would more than likely get bitch slapped, cussed out, and ordered to get the coffee my damn self. That would really fuck up the interview as well, for I am sure that the interviewee would sit there awkwardly while I retrieved the coffee. This one procedure gives us an indication of the type of traditional people we are dealing with who are employed at the hotel.

Immediately after the interview in which Jack Torrance more than likely landed the job (he even asked all the appropriate questions), the hiring manager opted to relate some important information about the hotel. Rather than go into elaborate details about the policies pertaining to customer service, he related how the former occupant of the position went insane and chopped up his entire family with an axe. This detailed explanation of a horrific tragedy differs slightly than what is typically explained to job candidates applying for a position at Waffle House or Jo-Ann Fabrics.

If I am ever expected to train a new employee, I plan to tell that person that the exact same incident occurred in the department store. The last person who worked here went over to house wares, grabbed an axe, and chopped up a family of shoppers right in the middle of the shoe department.

Shelley Duvall as Wendy Torrance is also irreplaceable in the film. Anybody else portraying Wendy would drastically alter the effects of the film.

Wendy holds numerous interesting characteristics as an ideal mother and wife. She seems perfectly content with her son having an imaginary friend named Tony. In fact, during her introductory sequences, she consults with Tony about moving to the hotel. It is hard to determine whether or not she fully understands Tony or simply accepts his role in the family as some weird ass bullshit she has to put up with because her son is a little fucked in the head. She is not even remotely startled with the transition of Danny when he is enacting Tony (by means of wiggling his index finger and fluctuating his voice to the tone of Kraftwerk’s Trans-Europe Express).

Danny does not even seem to have the ability to effectively communicate with Tony (the little mother fucker’s own imaginary friend) without moving his finger or changing his voice. Even while the little cock sucker was brushing his teeth, the little mother fucker was moving his finger to signify that Tony was doing the talking. When I am at home jacking off to my imaginary girlfriend, I do not wiggle the index finger of my other hand to indicate what I think she would be saying if we were actually engaging in the fantasies taking place in my mind. 

This act of communicating could be considered a flaw in character. One, because most people do not speak out loud to their imaginary friends, let alone with the usage of an odd finger movement, a fluctuation in the tone of voice, and informing one’s own mother about voices in the head. Two, supposedly the little shithead possessed a trait known as “The Shining,” which we later learn is the ability to communicate telepathically and to see things in which nobody else can see. There are some consistency issues throughout the film regarding this issue.

However, the finger motion may have been written for the film in order to display who is speaking to the audience rather than using voiceover or some other procedure to indicate this. It is a memorable ploy and effective for film.

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All Sections Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal



1. Pink Floyd
"Obscured by Clouds" 3:05
Obscured by Clouds

2. Wendy Carlos & Rachel Elkind
"Rocky Mountains" 3:03

The Shining Soundtrack

3. This Mortal Coil
"Morning Glory" 2:57

Filigree and Shadow

4. Phew
"Doze" 5:17


5. Kraftwerk
"Trans Europe Express" 3:56

Trans Europe Express

6. Young Marble Giants
"Choco Loni" 2:37

Colossal Youth

7. Death and Vanilla
"Somnambulists" 3:56

All Hell

8. P'o
"Blind Tim" 4:13

Whilst Climbing Thieves Vie For Attention

9. Auburn Lull
"Finland Station" 4:20

Alone I Admire

10. The Durutti Column
"Conduct" 5:03

The Return Of The Durutti Column

11. Under Byen
"Kapitel 1" 4:08
Alt er tabt

12. Penguin Cafe Orchestra
"Yodel 2" 4:37
Penguin Cafe Orchestra

13. Tommy Jay
"Gotta Get Up and Go" 2:36
Tom's Tall Tales of Trauma

14. KC Accidental
"Instrumental Died in the Bathtub and Took the Daydreams With It" 8:53
Anthems for the Could've Bin Pills

15. Up-Tight
"I'm Just A Dreamer" 6:23

16. White Heaven
"Fallin' Stars End" 9:00

More notes and info:

When The Shining was first released back in 1980, there had to have been a number of people eagerly anticipating to see it the very first day it was released. Stanley Kubrick making a horror movie starring Jack Nicholson probably would be equivalent to the anticipated release of Django Unchained with Quentin Tarrantino making a western starring Leonardo DiCaprio.

This was at the height of their popularity. Kubrick was already regarded as a genius for previous films such as A Clockwork Orange2001: A Space Odyssey, and Dr. Strangelove; Jack Nicholson had moved from cult legend in Easy Rider to recent Academy Award winner for One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

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