2013/04/09

The Top 25 WORST Songs in History


THE TOP 25 WORST SONGS IN HISTORY


INTRODUCTION

Welcome to the 2013 WORST SONGS IN HISTORY list!

This is a huge day for Journey, Bon Jovi, A-Ha, and the other recurring nightmares that perennially top this list. “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey had a strong hold on the #1 worst song in history for the past several years, but did not even make the list at all this time.

There were no bartender jobs available in Asheville, so I took a job in a department store. Working in a shoe department is not entirely a bad thing. After all, it does satisfy a foot fetish and it is the only place where beautiful women are freely permitted to strip and flaunt their assets inside the store. Unfortunately, Paradise cannot be obtained without severe punishment. The music played in the store is completely abominable to the extreme that I fear somebody will enter the store in a distraught mental state with a rifle and the sounds of this music will finally push him/her over the edge (my prediction, it will be a "her".)

Since taking the job at the unnamed anonymous department store chain where every store features the same selection of songs over and over again, I have been forced to be subjected to the lowest form of “music” imaginable. I refuse to even acknowledge these plain ordinary people as artists, musicians, or any other moniker associated with artistic creativity. In fact, there is no music period in most of these songs… no instrumental sections, no talented playing ability, no riffs, no nothing.

These plain ordinary people pretending to be artistic “rock stars” more than likely do not even write their own songs. And if they do, that makes them even worse because the lyrics are never anything deep or meaningful; merely clichés and proud proclamations of being an overly conditioned uninspiring suburban white girl who officially conformed to the constant conditioning… and created the synthetic soundtrack to their television inflicted definition of happiness.

This serves as evidence that the "hit makers" have no clue what product they are attempting to promote.

At least the members of Journey could at least play instruments. At least the members of society who denounce this garbage can officially have an appropriate reason to justify their suicide.


INTRO: The Requirements

There are, at least, a couple moderately tolerable songs played in the store. These somewhat listenable tracks were “disqualified” for having at least some musical integrity. Those who did not meet at least these minimal requirements were the songs ultimately selected as The Worst Songs in History.


DECENT SONG 1: Ellie Goulding
"Anything Could Happen"
Halcyon
2012

Considered fairly decent (rating of maybe a 5 out of 10) only because it is a rare song played in this store that features somewhat of an instrumental section… with a slight little hint of psychedelic styling. While it’s still not that great of a song when compared to, say, Swans or Sonic Youth, it sounds brilliantly advanced when played among the deplorable garbage that will be featured on The Worst Songs countdown list.





DECENT SONG 2: OneRepublic
“Good Life”
Waking Up
2009


Again, only sounds tolerable while played in the store alongside the worst songs ever recorded. One might even garner the impression that the term “Good Life” isn’t entirely sincere. This is one of the only songs played in the store with relatively reserved vocals and the goal isn’t to satisfy tone deaf Simon with an shrilly over produced autotuned white girl voice. 

American Idol, and its’ fans, pretty much ruined society. Paula Abdul was never any good and Simon is obviously sexually infatuated with "the hit maker." America turned to a douchy bro and a bimbo white girl to dictate their definition of artistic brilliance; thought it was justified because the bro was British or they enjoyed hearing the hideous wanker chastise the participants who were even worse than the awful winners. It must be excruciating to flip through Simon’s record collection, assuming he even has one.  





On that note, the influence of American Idol more than likely guarantees a slot in the worst recordings in the history of existence. Sorry to say, but if you watched American Idol, during that period in which you were watching the show, more than likely, you had become one of those people who are despised by the majority of intellectual society. For that one hour, you participated in the demise of intelligence in mainstream society. The avid fans have something seriously wrong with them. I would suggest these people stand in the bathroom in front of the mirror and conduct some serious soul searching for several hours. Rather than call the show and vote for their personal favorite, they should have been asking themselves where it all went wrong.



Ever wonder why a corporate owned television station would conduct a music talent show anyway? The goal is to both turn people against challenging music and to further condition society with music that lacks creativity. This extends beyond the fact that the more people listen to music, the less they will watch TV… which diminishes viewers and potential buyers of the poorly advertised products. 

In general, the more artistically creative a person is, the more likely he/she will be an advocate of left-wing politics. John Lennon, Pink Floyd, the entire punk movement, along with artists, authors, film makers, and fans of confrontational art are people who regularly envisage intellectual concepts that imply anti-authoritarian, non-conformist, anti-capitalist, anti-corporation, Anarchist, Communist, and other methods that incite revolution against the conditioning process. Should this movement ever successfully triumph over the oppressors, that would be the end of banks, government, organized religion, and the upper 1%; essentially all things the media has determined necessary to maintain a sustainable lifestyle.



Allowing a bro and a bimbo white girl to influence the masses would ultimately eradicate free thinking and keep conditioned men stupid enough to blindly fight wars that support the cause of the faux definition of freedom. It’s similar to fascism… American Idol is fascist propaganda, the judges are tyrannical commanders of the Third Reich, and the television audience is the inculcated masses with numerous similarities to those who blindly supported the Nazis because they were supposedly brainwashed (too stupid) to do so. The shrilly white girl voice is the psychological tool which effectively transfuses the conditioning process; that’s why Simon and the panel of judges were so concerned with fluctuation.

Check out this quote from Adolf Hitler and apply it to American Idol, all forms of American media, and the other songs on this list:

"All propaganda must be presented in a popular form and must fix its intellectual level so as not to be above the heads of the least intellectual of those to whom it is directed."  Adolf Hitler

The problem with Hitler's logic is that people with superior intellect and free thinking will only scoff and laugh at the proposed propaganda; Independent thinkers shall always regard the propaganda as utter non-sense and there will always be a counter movement to combat the lower education level oppressive material, albeit one of lesser volume. The goal of the first regime has always been to suppress those who cannot be affected by the propaganda. White supremacists and Neo-Nazis are obviously the most easily influenced and commonly regarded as moronic, even by those who were so brainwashed by the television that they actually watched American Idol and conformed to the conditioning process.


“Good Life” at least does not feature the shrilly over produced white girl voice that causes a massive decrease in function-able brain cells and will ultimately make people so genuinely stupid that they will believe any absurd concept devised by an empowered cretin. Furthermore, it contains profanity as well (bullshit). Because of these attributes, particularly the notion that 1.6% of the world's population are still offended by the word bullshit and these people are chronic complainers who have effectively developed a pretense that it is immoral to disagree with their laughable code of ethics, I am not sure that this song will last incredibly long on the store’s playlist… which serves as proof that the people in charge of creating these types of playlists are too stupid to actually conduct any viable music research on the product they are attempting to convey. They simply read the chorus “gotta be a good life” and assumed it was a happy song—similar to a Republican politician using Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” assuming it is a patriotic pro-American anthem.



DECENT SONG #3  Michael Franti & Spearhead
The Sound of Sunshine
The Sound of Sunshine
2010

The ultimate goal of working at this store is to be the person in charge of selecting the music. I understand that there are certain restrictions when creating a playlist for a department store, and certain material may be too offensive, even though I view the 25 WORST SONGS IN HISTORY equally offensive as gangsta rap and death metal. Furthermore, certain songs are required to create a “feel good” atmosphere. Of all the songs played in the store (and there aren’t too many of them and several are heard repeatedly in an 8 hour shift) this track by Michael Franti & Spearhead is the only one that would remain in moderate rotation if I were in charge. Not that it is a wonderfully great song, but it is uplifting, catchy, and ideal for an upbeat selection where the targeted demographic is the entire masses. Ideally, this would be the worst song I should have to listen to all day.




DECENT SONG #4: Black Eyed Peas
“I Gotta Feeling”
The E.N.D.
2009

Though I hardly consider this ultra-hip music, I am cool with this song being played in a department store. The video demonstrates the type of behavior I expect customers to display while inside the store... which is radically different than sobbing in the small appliances section because the customer had grown increasingly obese since becoming depressed after that last break-up. If there were more songs like this and less sappy ass break-up songs, it could potentially eliminate the vastly rising shopping-related suicide rate.




ALMOST GOOD: Graffiti6
“Free”
Colours
2010

A shocker that this is even played in the store for it only has any similarities with one other song (that being “Without You” by David Guetta featuring Usher.) Sound wise, the two songs have nothing in common, but they both feature an emphasis on the lyrics “without you” in the chorus; for a short time, I knew “Free” as “The Good Without You” and the David Guetta/Usher song as “The Shitty Without You.” In fact, I am guessing that the incompetent playlist creator was assigned to play The Shitty Without You, performed a Google search on the lyrics, and stumbled upon the Graffiti6 song by accident. And Canada could not be happier! Finally, a decent representation of Canadian pop music in a large audience setting; no apologies will be needed for this one like with the entire Nickelback debacle; the US still owes Canada an apology for mainstream airwaves never figuring out that Feist played for Broken Social Scene. Next up… METZ in the department store.

As for what sets it apart, the definitive factor is the vocals. This is definitely NOT shrilly American Idol style vocals or whiny ass sissy crybaby shit like The Shitty Without You. "Free" features an actual band coupled with multiple styles of vocal harmonies and interplay. 

By the way, who the fuck wants to listen to sappy ass, sad, depressing shit while they are shopping? The Shitty Without You was left off the list as an act of sympathy even though it features one of the worst attempts of “heartfelt” singing in history because of the heartbreak endured.




Good Canadians:  METZ                                  "The Shitty Without You"


ON THE FENCE: The Lumineers
“Ho Hey”
The Lumineers
2012

This track almost made the list of The Worst Songs and History and almost made the introductory list of decent songs. It earns marginal credit for the shouted “HO! HEY!” bursts (there’s at least some attempt to create a sort of edginess to the song) and one line: “I don’t know where I belong, I don’t know where I went wrong.” Being as I just wrote an autobiography based on that exact same subject, I have to no choice but to give this song at least some respect. Unfortunately, the chorus of “you belong to me…” is so excruciatingly lame that I cannot consider it worthy of any listening outside the store.






BAD SONG LEFT OFF, AND WHY: Schuyler Fisk
“Love Somebody”
Love Somebody Single
2011

On a scale of 1 to 10, this song receives a 1 (the rest of the songs receive 0’s or negatives). Even though these are the types of white girls that I no longer have any use for, I left it off the list because there is somewhat moderate focus on the instrumentation. Although not overly talented, the drum beat does require, at least, adequate skill. It’s sad that we live in a world in which there are department chains that feature songs where this horrible song is considered decent instrumentation compared to the rest of selections; the other songs have no musical talent whatsoever, no focus on arrangements or composition, and most of them simply hit the “demo” button on the keyboard display at Target to generate “the” background music… which is similar in every song.

Some reason, video not available on the YouTube list equipped on blogspot (yet it's played in the fucking store??????) Watch video here.



HONORABLE MENTION:  Fun.
“Carry On”
Some Nights
2012

This song is not played in the store and that’s the only thing that kept it off the list… I never have to fuck with it ever again and it shall have no impact on my life. While researching who sang a different song, I stumbled upon this one. It's so incredibly bad that singer immediately soared to the top of the Stupid Mother Fuckers I’d Like to Punch list… what a fucking douche!





Without any further ado…  THE TOP 25 WORST SONGS IN HISTORY!!!  (Cue the theme music from The Exorcist for this is going to be horrifying!)   



THE OFFICIAL LIST


25. Tim McGraw
"All I Want is a Life"

All I Want
1995


Where to begin with this? Since they are going in order from best to worst, this meant that I had to pick which one of these insufferable songs that I liked better than all the rest of them.

Like most pop country lyrics, there is a commonly used catch phrase pertaining to the genre itself—one that will unfortunately never be used in any of their songs; describing certain genres, acts, performers, and songs as "even worse than country." For example, I recently overheard somebody stating that she hated dub step; and concluded with, “dub step is even worse than country.” Therefore, that means there are 24 songs on this list worse than country.

Unfortunately, mainstream country is a genre that I have no tolerance for whatsoever. I could never work anywhere that solely played country music, and in the situations where I have suffered prolonged exposure had adverse results. Once upon a time, I walked out of a high paying career oriented job due to the fact they had been playing country music for 3 days straight. There was one day a few years ago in which I was forced to listen to country for an entire shift and that nearly resulted in a suicide (it instead resulted in a heavy make-out session with a customer who found my jokes about country music amusing).

The genre should be considered even more offensive than the most brutal of Scandinavian Black Metal. Many country fans are accused of being racist, belligerent, drunk, unemployed, starved for attention, and ultimately… stupid; Gorgoth fans are rarely accused of such crimes against humanity. Furthermore, and I know this for a fact from the last time I worked a shift at a convenient store where I had to listen to country for one full night, people will walk out of an establishment without purchasing anything immediately upon hearing country music. Yet, the most popular mainstream radio format is country… and people think downloading is the cause for lack of record sales.

On a positive note though, “All I Want is a Life” does at least attempt to convey a perspective from the working class at war with the upper 1%. Although it is not a threat to start a Proletariat revolution any time soon, and comes across in the similar manner as Vice-President candidate Paul Ryan claiming to be a Rage Against the Machine fan (the protagonist is whining because he can't afford a diamond), it is a dangerous song to play in stores and expose to the masses. Country fans and their pick-up trucks are the working class and could potentially share the visions of the Socialist dream. Equally dangerous is playing a song featuring the line “I just want to get a little more out of my pay day” in a store where the employees are barely paid minimum wage could result in a revolt against the company.

Good effort Tim McGraw... the effort is there to be like one of us. Now, if you would just learn to sing a little better and write music that expands these people’s minds to actually initiate some sort of action against the oppressive forces that generate cars breaking down on the freeway, we might move you to the list of Top 25 Mainstream Performers That Matter. Unfortunately, an equal part of my desire to revolt against the company is to never have to hear this song again.




24. Ben Howard
"Only Love"

Every Kingdom
2011

Many people adapt the redneck country music lifestyle because it represents the opposite of the sissy ass pussy shit exemplified in this lame attempt of melodramatic “faggot shit.” Furthermore, many people seek out complex mind altering completely different from the norm artistic brilliance because the music in this song is so bland that there is no reason for it to show up on any radar whatsoever. Simply put, this is just a song… with no distinguishable qualities whatsoever. That’s precisely why it made the list—because there is no effort whatsoever to be anything; that’s why it never should have been recorded in the first place. If you are enamored with this song, you should love this great piece of stand-out poetry I just wrote: “I drank a cup of coffee today.” Common response should be: “Yea, no shit mother fucker!”




23. Colbie Calliat
"Stereo"

Album Unknown, but was douchy enough to make a Christmas Album
2011

There is a thin line between romantic and excruciating. Whenever I see that one couple gazing into each other’s eyes, I think to myself, “Gross! What a couple of douches!” Disgusting looking couples are often completely oblivious to their own surroundings and participate in the most annoying of rituals aside from their nauseating non-sexy PDA and their disgusting looking faces.

Other bothersome traits include walking side-by-side while taking up the entire sidewalk—slowly, blocking all pedestrian traffic, while gazing stupidly at every useless item in all of the touristy shops. Most often, one of them (usually the girl) represents the poster child for “clingy.” They can be seen either clutching the arm of the other or resting his/her head on the other’s shoulders. Uninteresting couples also frequently talk to each other in public on their cell phones and discuss romantic courting clichés with each other as if they are significant topics. These fuckers actually buy each other expensive worthless jewelry and embellish all notions that every kiss begins with Kay

“Stereo” is the definitive song for annoying couples who assume they are elegant because they act exactly like every despicable annoying shithead couple in all of the worst romantic comedies proudly displayed on every Redbox at every Pick 'N' Save. Furthermore, it is the obvious result of a purchased recording contract from an overbearing parent who exclusively thought the white girl held any singing talent. Message to the father who purchased the recording contract: Less than 3% of the entire world thinks your daughter has any talent whatsoever.




22. Andy Grammer
"Fine By Me"

Andy Grammer
2011


This stupid shit face obviously doesn’t have people over to his house very often. The chorus: “It’s fine by me… if you never leave.” A study revealed that 92% of the participants heavily preferred “Get the Fuck out of My House” by 2 Live Crew over this too easily attached douchy mother fucker. Among those who preferred this Andy Grammer song was superstar serial killer “Buffalo Bill” from the hit movie Silence of the Lambs. Rumor had it that Buffalo Bill would sit over the ledge of the pit in which he kept his victims, horribly strumming basic notes on an acoustic guitar with a cheesy pleasant smile, singing this song to the women he had kidnapped.

Based on the above survey, which really occurred this time, Andy Grammer should have been arrested and ultimately banned for obscenity while 2 Live Crew should be played in department stores.




21. Sara Bareilles
"Love Song"

Little Voice
2007

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the only person that would ever ask this person to write him a love song is the above mentioned sissy/serial killer/stalker Andy Grammer. In fact, that’s more than likely how that whole affair ended… she came over to his house... he was conditioned to be a douche... she was conditioned to be enamored with male douchiness... they had a three day fling where she thought he was “sweet” because he grew attached so quickly... he spent the entirety of the visit singing shitty ass lame songs to her (songs so lame, that only a brainless bimbo white girl would find romantic). He wanted commitment and for her to share his “artistic” values; she finally grew tired of his shit because she assumed that she could easily dictate other douches with the self-proclaimed beauty a different imbecile (possibly her father) previously led her to believe she had… the bitch finally left.

Unfortunately, her image is an issue here. Everything from the glance-down-the-shirt image in which she exhibited whatever sexiness she thought she actually had all the way to her assumption that she is so marvelous that anybody requested her to write love songs for him/her.

I would never request her to write a love song for me. 1. Because I know the lyrics would suck; 2. It would only be sung with that shrilly bimbo white girl voice that has been adopted since the incarnation of American Idol; 3. It would be torture to sit there and listen to her sing it—gazing into my eyes as if it were something meaningful. 

Furthermore, her tits aren’t really that nice either. Should I accidentally have sex with her as a result of accidental alcohol overdose, instead of requesting a love song, I would have my phone number changed if she ever texted me.








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