The Top 25 Worst Songs In History Part 2


Some people claim that it is wrong to compare these types of lame songs to the greatest musicians of all time, but, let’s face, they are striving to be musicians and attempting to make music… therefore they have certain expectations… and I have a goal in life to put people in their proper places. Therefore, we shall have the greatest lyrical comparison in The History of The Universe.

Way back in 1965, that’s 48 years ago, a man by the name of Bob Dylan wrote a song called "It’s All Right, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)." This is the #1 song for the very first entry in the yearly list on this site. With lyrics such as:

Old lady judges watch people in pairs
Limited in sex, they dare
To push fake morals, insult and stare
While money doesn’t talk, it swears
Obscenity, who really cares
Propaganda, all is phony”

The bar was set high early on in our history. When having to compete with that, one might develop the supposition that songs were no longer permitted to feature clichés or meaningless catch phrases used by those with limited intellect. It’s understandable that not everybody can be Bob Dylan, and maybe he was a special case. However, all lyricists since should be somewhat compared to Bob Dylan and expected to perhaps even take it to the next level. And so, the modern recording studios countered with this… to compete with Bob Dylan’s brilliance…

20. Taylor Swift
"I Knew You Were Trouble"


Lots of issues taking place here. One, “I knew you were trouble when you walked in” is a cliché and never should have been permitted to be the thesis of an attempted musical composition. Even worse, in the official video, it begins with Taylor Swift talking… as if she had some sort of brilliant artistic intellect. Some people claim that it is wrong to ridicule this music because it is intended for children, but that makes it even worse. I can hear a suburban child crying in fear, as if he/she saw a monster in the closet: “Mom! The white girl is talking again!”

The song itself is bad enough and the video is even worse. Her singing is horrible and when I watched the video I laughed out loud on various parts (in a public coffee shop with people staring at me at that). She basically confessed that she is the least interesting person in the song; and why stupid white girls should never grow enamored with guys they meet outside the mall.

Assuming the character description of the “trouble” character is accurately portrayed, no person behaving in this manner would ever be attracted to Taylor Swift or anybody who listens to her music. A line that has never been uttered in history: "I fucking punched out a fucking cop…while I was listening to Taylor Swift. That shit makes me wild!"

Worst of all, this is a major improvement over her earlier material. (SPOILER- We might know who has more than one entry.) She made the wonderful decision to attempt to drop her previous douchy image in place for the equally douchy “bad” white girl image… the exact same image that made Avril Lavigne a complete poser over a decade ago. Yet, even with her attempt to appear to be anything more than an ordinary bimbo with below average musical skills, people who actually wandered outside the mainstream have no interest in her whatsoever… and she basically admits this in this song; sad confessions of a dumb white girl.

Should the exact same story be told from “Trouble’s” perspective, the name of the song would be “I Knew You Were a Stupid White Bitch the Moment You Started Bothering Me with Your Bullshit and I Couldn’t Wait to Dump Your Monkey Ass on the Cold Hard Ground… Must Suck to Be You.”

19. Tim Myers (feat Ben Lee)
"Under Control"

Apparently Made for a Chase Bank Commercial

And so the cliché fest continued. It was a cold, dark, dreary day at the self-help seminar and it was obvious that the primary concern was the free continental breakfast. Management offered a cliché to encourage motivation, “you just keep on keeping on…” And they all stood up and gleefully danced and sang around the meeting table in the board room; they had been stimulated to accomplish the doctrines of the paradigmatic future failures... and had developed a means to control their slave waged subordinates, who actually, are the only ones capable of saving their foolishly, newly conventional, now commonplace exactly like every other business from being swept away by either the ever-changing plight of the bourgeois or the decisive upheaval of the Proletariat revolution that will eventually smolder all of these bad decision, along with the shitty ass bank who funded this song, into the wretched pits of forgotten existence.

Not only is everything about this song downright appalling, especially the wretched melody attempting to make this cliché seem catchy, this song has a dangerous effect on society. This is the type of shit that influences middle management to enact those horrible ideas discussed in that prototypical board room with fraudulent intentions that these senseless actions might improve sales. Perhaps going into the perceived problematic situation there might have been some ingenuity present in the board room, but every single mindless idea that has ever been initiated has been the result of motivational influenced from an asinine source... such as fat uneducated corporate ordinary simpletons aroused by "Under Control" by Tim Myers.

The prime example of a bad idea that is becoming more common include forcing underpaid cashiers to annoy the living shit out of every single customer with monthly specials, signing up for credit, or the new McWrap. A recent survey indicated that the "annoy every customer with routine information" tactic has an approval rating of 6.2%; those who approved of the unpopular tactic had an approval rating of 0.1%.

18. Sugarland
"Stuck Like Glue"

The Incredible Machine

Fairly recent clichés are bad enough, but using phrases that have been around since the fall of the Roman Empire is intolerable. All of the lyrics in "Stuck Like Glue" are unoriginal, unispired banalities. Furthermore, if this is the propaganda material considered themes in which all people can relate, then that serves as evidence that Mike Judge’s prediction of the future in the movie “Idiocracy” will be accurately portrayed well before the 500 years in which the film was set.

The only way to endure this shit is to create images in which the song was never supposed to instill. For this song, it is best to envision a zombie story with this song as the soundtrack.

Some bitch from the trailer park died as the result of a plumbing repair gone awry. A redneck necrophiliac dug up her corpse and had been fucking her for the past “so long” (3 weeks). He finally revived her with intensive electric shock treatment, and she returned to life singing “there you go making my heart beat again…” and chopped him up and ate him while singing merrily.

The crowd outside the trailer waited until the fucking asshole was finished off, and then burst in and killed her again. Not because she is a murderous creature resurrected from the dead, but because the singing was so bad.

17. Train
"Hey, Soul Sister"

Save Me, San Francisco

If it isn’t a cliché, the other recurring theme that makes a song dreadfully abominable is the talentless ordinary imbecile claiming to be an artist and pursuing something completely out of his/her league. Whereas Taylor Swift was obviously in way over her head attempting to pursue a bad boy with too fast of a lifestyle, Train delves into territories that asks “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” Even though the song sucked, the Taylor Swift excursion is moderately acceptable because white girls often find themselves fascinated with the extraordinary lifestyle that exists outside their sub-division; at least she was innocent and confessed being too white and douchy to ever pursue that interest. Train comes off as not only feeble-minded, but condescending and racist with this atrocious pile of shit.

Speaking of too white, Train is definitely too white to be referring to anybody as a “Soul Sister.” This is shit that adults should know better than to say-- sort of like asking a woman if she is pregnant. If this mother fucker went to an actual hardcore ghetto and attempted to address a woman walking down the street with “Hey soul sister,” (especially in the tone in which he sings) the mother fucker would get his ass kicked. Furthermore, the lyrics to the song implies that woman he is addressing is a “gangsta” and he is a “thug.” Yea right! This clown is such a "thug" that he listens to Mister Mister and capitalist queen white bitch Madonna on the radio; mother fucker even name dropped the game show Love Connection in this song.

Not only is this song so horrible that it never should have recorded, let alone played in public places, it probably needs to be boycotted and flagged in the same manner as Nazi white supremacist national socialism bullshit acts.

16. Kelly Clarkson
"All I Ever Wanted"

All I Ever Wanted

The first winner of American Idol will go down in history as the white bitch who ruined society. She epitomized the shrilly white girl voice that went on to cause a massive brain hemorrhaging epidemic across the country. She cannot play any instruments or even write her own material; her only contribution to the recordings is her lousy singing voice which was only glorified as the result of tone deaf middle aged frat boy sponsored by American corporations to transform society into a plethora of douchy bros and bimbo white girls. As a result of her guaranteeing that the banks and upper 1% will not have to fear a full-scale revolt against their repressive control, she was awarded a privileged place on the red carpet. This is American freedom! These are the opportunities derived from capitalism… you can become rich and famous, if you eagerly conform to the conditioning process that empowers the currency seeking financial advocates, who are gradually destroying all hopes for humanity, should you be the one selected by the oppressive forces as "The Chosen One" to assist the dumbing down of society. This is all Kelly Clarkson ever wanted.

15. Maroon 5
"Moves Like Jagger"

Album Unknown, but I am sure that it sucked

While this song might be considered somewhat catchy, this is one of those lame ass stupid fucking songs that is immediately ridiculed upon hearing. It’s impossible to listen to this song without making fun of it or implying personal shots at any person claiming to like it. The targeted demographic is limited to douches who are not welcome in any social gathering in which somewhat intelligent behavior is involved. In fact, “YMCA” by The Village People connects with more people on a serious level than this stupid ass fucking song. If somebody were spotted listening to this on his/her own terms, that would be social suicide. Considering the eventually realized perspective of past failures similar to stupid shit such as “Stacy’s Mom” by The Fountains of Wayne or “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” by The Crash Test Dummies, the recording of this should have been emphatically rejected by anybody seeking self-pride. The glamorization of stupidity will be the downfall of society.

The biggest problem with this song is the fact that some people might listen to this and assume they are being trendy and extravagantly cool. If you think listening to this song makes you seem hip, then I must inform you just how outdated you really are. Listening to this song means that you are behind in the times and completely out of touch with today's culture. It might be time to start considering a pleasant retirement community... or at least surrender any notion of ever hooking up with somebody considered young and attractive; nobody under the age of 50 thinks this song is cool.

14. Katy Perry
"Hot N’ Cold"

One of the Boys

Sad to see Katy Perry still has a recording contract. Once upon a time, she held the #1 worst song of all-time with “Thinking of You” back when I had to be disgraced with prolonged exposure of that ghastly voice of hers back when I worked at the grocery store called Bi-Lo.

There is nothing deeply imaginative or complex with this rant of clichés. These are the common types of relationship issues that ordinary non-interesting people such as Katy Perry have to deal with on a regular basis. You seldom hear about people with extraordinary ingenuity complaining about their partner the same way the ultra-conditioned Katy Perry does. Intelligent, independent, free thinking women are genuinely loved consistently; unlike people like this who only seem appealing whenever a person becomes desperate enough to offer insincere flattery to a seemingly easy target.

In fact, she is such a cliché and so conformed to the conditioning she received as to how she was “supposed” to be as a pretty girl, that she even included this as a line in a piece of her “poetry”

“You change your mind more than a girl changes her clothes.”

Rather than admit that her own personality traits are completely deplorable, or better yet, challenge that the conditioning process is severely flawed... she implies that it is her partner’s fault for showing no interest in her stupidity. That’s precisely why I do not think there is any such thing as ADD—it’s the speaker’s responsibility to maintain the interest of the listener. This Bi-Polar epidemic going around is overly heightened as well (Katy Perry claimed the person losing interest in her must have Bi-Polar). That is not the case either—people are simply too nice and demonstrate insincere sympathetic compliments; but eventually they become too annoyed to conceal the frustration.

She thinks that girls are supposed to be pretty little brainless twits and the appropriate way to meet boys is by flaunting whatever beauty she thinks she might possess. The more she gets rejected because she is too stupid to carry on a meaningful conversation, the more she will flaunt her sexuality in order to appear moderately appealing. And again, the less she wears, the bigger the douche she will attract, and even a complete imbecile will eventually grow tired of her shit. This is why dumb girls dress in the slutty apparel; that is why fat douchy bros resort to video games and obnoxious drunk behavior. I’d be willing to wager that Katy Perry is not that great in bed. There is no such thing as sexual dysfunction either—just undesirable sex partners.

Dear Katy Perry: nobody could listen to you sing on a consistent basis and maintain a calm demeanor throughout the entire process. Simply put, your bimbo white girl voice is too shrilly, and you are too ordinary of a person to be considered an artist. More than likely, you practice singing and reading the clichés you write while at home and request feedback; nobody wants to listen to that shit for too long of a time.

From the other person's perspective, the song would go:

“Sometimes I can take you shit… sometimes I just can’t
You’re tolerable when I’m drunk… and a bitch when I’m not…”

13. Michael Bublé
"Haven’t Met You Yet"

Crazy Love

Another song was bad enough until I decided to engage in self-inflicted mutilation by watching the video. Interestingly enough, Michael Bublé chose a grocery store for the setting of his hit song designed to meet his most compatible suitor. He tactfully had his targeted demographic appropriately selected; the powers that be knew precisely the only types of places where this music would be most frequently played. Quite possibly the only person on Earth to aspire to play the type of stupid shit heard over the store’s intercom where people could comfortably guzzle entire bottles of NyQuil and Drain-O in order to remedy the prolonged suffering inflicted by this shitty music.

While grocery shopping one day, Michael Bublé thought to himself: “You know, I want to write hits that will appeal to shoppers that do stupid shit in stores such as leaving unwanted items in aisles in which they do not belong.” And there he sat at night, lying in bed, visualizing the dream of someday hearing his wonderful music played over the intercom at the store… and all the shoppers would have a new God… Michael Fucking Bublé! Barry Manilow is significantly cooler than Michael Bublé.

12. Ingrid Michaelson
"Be OK"


The current standard of “ordinary” people have no appeal to me anymore. I can deal with these people when I am being paid to do so, but I have difficulties grasping the desire to be a mediocre non-individual. Music artists should never be ordinary, nor feature ordinary people, nor attempt to only appeal to overly ordinary people.

However, like with Sugarland's "Stuck Like Glue" it is fun to ridicule these songs. I decided that I wanted to remake the video for this song featuring various creepy people instead of the stupid assholes that are currently in place.

11. Taylor Swift
"Our Song"

Taylor Swift

The best method that I've used to endure these wretched songs without committing suicide is creating the assumption that each song is about Satan; although this sometimes causes random outbursts of laughter and the people around me probably assume that I am a paranoid schizophrenic. Furthermore, I have visualized an entire movie for which these songs would the perfect soundtrack. It would be a hit summer movie—a teenage romantic comedy called “Me and Satan… BFF’S!”

It’s about a giddy suburban white girl who falls in love with Satan, who is your typical romantic comedy douche. Taylor Swift is obviously in love with Satan, and has been since she had the microphone swiped from her at White Girl Fest, AKA- The Grammy’s. 

Being as she is such a poor role model to children anyway (portraying that women should be ditzy clingy bimbos who are overly dependent on douchy men to play a significant role in life), Taylor Swift is the perfect representation of a young girl feverishly in love with the Lord Satan... soon she will have an upside-down cross tattooed on her face and underneath those blonde curls is the mark of the beast. Unfortunately, she later realized in the film's climax that Satan "was trouble when he walked in." Prior to that though, the ever impressionable Taylor Swift was seen snuggling with Satan next to a creek, gleefully in love with hearts floating in the air, sharing how the two now have “Our Song” to signify their everlasting love for each other.

10. Katy Perry

Teenage Dream

I don’t know what’s worse, listening to Katy Perry sing a song she considers “heartfelt” or watching fireworks explode out of her tits. Just before the video began, I cringed and was not even sure that I could force myself to watch it. As soon as she began singing, I nearly decided to abandon this whole project and write about The Top 25 Atrocities associated with being gang raped in a nursing home instead.  

That’s when I decided that this would be the perfect song to enjoy while being anal raped in a nursing home!

I pictured myself down on the floor, on my hands and knees, with a 95 year old man attempting to insert his shriveled up old ass dysfunctional cock into my ass. Unfortunately, his stagnant cock was unable to sustain erection because he had lost his sex drive back in 1994. Then, I sang him this song… just like Katy Perry… "Baby you're a Firework!"... and his cock grew rock hard to enormous lengths and fireworks shot out of it. 

This process was repeated with all of the patients during the gang raping process and fireworks "boom boom boomed" of all of their groins... all across "the moon moon moon" and into my then-virgin ass (get it? Moon?.) 

Oh well, getting fucked in the ass by a posse of old people is way better than listening to Katy Perry. Maybe for an encore, I could revamp another Katy Perry hit… call it “I Fucked an Old Man and I Liked It.”

9. Train
"50 Ways to Say Goodbye"

California 37

Nice effort, but poor execution… and a worn out cliché that offers nothing new. This song is about a person who gets dumped by a person who finally came to her senses, and when asked, "Where has your girlfriend been," rather than confront the truth as to why she ditched him, mother fucker lies about numerous ways that she might have disappeared instead.

Unfortunately, this song is not funny because it fails to indulge in any type of sick or warped sense of humor. The ways to die include getting eaten by a lion, or falling in quicksand… the fucking dumbass did not come up any original ways for an ex-girlfriend to die. Furthermore, the way he sings “help me, help me,” is even more annoying than Katy Perry’s voice.

However, upon watching the video, numerous things are realized.

1. His ex-girlfriend is the whitest girl imaginable… hardly a “Soul Sister.”

2. The singer for Train is obviously highly compatible with Michael Bublé and the two simply need to come out of the closet and pursue a relationship together.

What the fuck is with these sappy ass harmless fluff pop singers filming their videos at grocery stores? At least they have enough awareness to realize it is the only place it will be played. Perhaps Michael Bublé and Train can tour together; instead of playing concert venues, they will play in the boxed dinners aisle at the grocery store.

8. Kelly Clarkson
"Since U Been Gone"


Heard over the intercom at the store, the song has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. In fact, Kelly Clarkson might very well be the worst singer ever; her voice (particularly the chorus) is so shrilly and unpleasant that I often wished that she was gone… and buried underneath a landfill.

I have no idea who anybody thinks they are kidding with the video. They (not Kelly, who is merely a puppet for the recording industry implemented by corporate sponsorship) attempted to make Kelly appear as a punk rocker in the video, which makes the song even worse. A portion of the video features Kelly Clarkson smashing all of the items in her house (cliché) including a photo of the guy she is grieving over (the most obvious douche one could imagine) and another segment taking place on stage at a small venue with the band thrashing around as if this were some heavy duty mother fucking hardcore metal shit. If one simply saw the video without hearing the sound, he/she might anticipate the music sounded somewhat like The Gossip—what a disappointment it must be to actually here the lame ass pop song being played.

The only thing worse than seeing Kelly sing is witnessing the lame mother fuckers in the audience jumping around as if they were witnessing a vintage Sonic Youth concert. I could not imagine seeing a Kelly Clarkson performance and becoming so energized that I wished to jump around the venue and start a fucking mosh pit. In fact, I cannot even imagine hearing Kelly Clarkson and assuming it was the next generation of a full-scale punk revolution. A person would surely had to have led a sheltered existence in order to be enamored with this shit.

Kelly Clarkson reminds me of Lydia Lunch circa 1978; this is the next No-Wave movement! People will be talking about this shit for years... how Kelly Clarkson was making music that nobody had ever been prepared. She started something totally new and original. Can't you tell just by looking at her brash image featured on the album cover? Or, would you suggest that she had been molded by television? Assumed that the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine offered anything original?

This is further proof that the intention of American Idol was ultimately the demise of any sort of radical punk movement. Perhaps Goat should make a video featuring their performance taking place in a large venue with cliché dance routines, bright lights, and a headset microphone… and a bunch of Katy Perry fans in audience cheerfully acting stupid for a video for “Run to Your Mama.”


7. King Charles
"Mississippi Isobel"


Good news! This song does at least make a moderate attempt to feature the playing of an instrument. Yet, it’s still worse than Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone.”

Once again, we are dealing with an ordinary person who has obviously conformed to the conditioning he received from the media sponsorship. What makes it even worse is that he pretends as if he is a unique individual. There is nothing unique about this song whatsoever.

The aspect that puts it into a rating of negative 5 billion is the failed attempt at humor and how dreadfully asinine the lyrics are:

“I rode my bicycle, all the way in the rain
I kissed her once, took her out to lunch, and she never kissed me again.”

It’s an extreme shocker that anybody would even kiss this person in the first place. The only person who would ever do such an abominable act would be a conditioned bimbo who was so impressionable and pathetic that she fell for any notion that loser was a rock star who played in a band. The score drops into ratings over negative 50 zillion due to the way it is sang… as if it is some cheerful fuzzy song that anybody could sing along to and have a good time. People who find this music enjoyable are the types of people who would be impossible to endure even a 5 minute car ride.

6. Jason Reeves
"Someone Somewhere"

The Magnificent Adventures of Heartache and Other Frightening Tales...

This song is so lame that it induces the most horrid responses in mind. After the line, “I hope that someone is me,” I have blurted out loud, in public, “I hope it isn’t you, you stupid mother fucker! In fact, I hope whoever you are singing this song about hooks up with your dad and fucks him on your couch just in spite of you!”

Only a real fucking asshole would write a song this stupid and actually sing it with intentions of engaging an audience. Nobody is rooting for this person to actually score with the subject of the song; and if successful, he can spend the rest of his life hearing everybody imply, “she could do so much better than that loser.” As a matter of fact, this song pisses me off so badly that I hope this fucker doesn’t ever find anybody and dies all alone and unloved by the entire world. Charles Manson benefitted society more than Jason Reeves.

5. Owl City

Ocean Eyes

People had been hoping for years an even lamer, shittier, more pussy version of Death Cab For Cutie for years. By the way, Death Cab For Cutie sucks! Without a doubt, the biggest pussy to ever record an album is this lame mother fucker who makes Michael Bolton sound like Slayer.

Nothing is working here and this absolutely had no right to ever be recorded or even heard by anybody outside his (Owl City is some pussy named Adam Young) family… and he is obviously an only child who was spoiled by his conditioned parents who thought they had given birth to an artist.

Original? FUCK NO!

The singing is awful, the music is awful, and the lyrics are beyond sheer stupidity.

“I like to myself believe, that planet Earth, is, growing.”

What a stupid mother fucker to even think something that asinine! This guy is an immature and childish buffoon. He even has another song equally appalling where he gleefully mentions picking apples in the fall. I like to myself believe that Earth is growing too… so that away, hopefully, this stupid fucker will get farther away from me… and eventually smashed by a glacier.

4. Kelly Clarkson
"What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)"

Ever enter a public establishment and immediately become dreadfully irate upon hearing that annoying obnoxious white girl speaking loudly about nothing remotely interesting while disturbing all the other patrons? That was Kelly Clarkson. You just didn't know it was her because she has no standout features aside from her loud annoying voice. There are literally thousands of her, and she is everywhere.

Chorus is a catch phrase overused cliché (“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” ...bet nobody has ever heard that before) and it is sung by Kelly Clarkson… enough said. What more can be said about Kelly Clarkson? Could be sung... 

"What finally kills Kelly makes us smarter!"

With 3 entries now, that now makes Kelly Clarkson the worst performer in history. But…

3. Taylor Swift


Vocal wise, Kelly Clarkson is a worse singer than Taylor Swift. However, Taylor Swift’s songs are so stupid and lame that she wins the award for worst act in history. She is too needy, too easily impressed, too conditioned, too clingy, too stupid, too unoriginal, too much of the epitome of everything intelligent people hate, and too much of an immature little girl with a constant crush on whatever douche she had been conditioned to believe was who she was supposed to be surgically attached to his arm for the rest of her life, for her to ever be taken seriously. All of her songs exemplify the worst possible girl to accidentally get involved with and the primary reason why guys dip out in the middle of the night without saying goodbye.

Also willing to wager that Taylor Swift is not that great in bed either.

However, when applying this song as the potential soundtrack for a film titled “Me and Satan… BFF’S!” it can create some hilarious images. The image of Satan as a douche with a gap between his teeth frolicking through the park with Taylor Swift would make a wonderful heartwarming scene. The gap in-between his teeth is only there because somebody launched an onion at Taylor Swift with intentions of beaming her in the face; it accidentally drilled douchy Satan and knocked his fucking teeth out.

Sadly, Taylor Swift is so horrible of a songwriter that even though she secured the title for “Worst White Girl in History”, she could not land the worst song ever award.

2. Rihanna


Unlike the wretched track that will win the award for worst song in history, which does at least have some reason for people to actually like the song (albeit a group of insufferable fucking shitfaces that we to hope to never encounter anywhere), I do not see any reason whatsoever for anybody to ever like this song. Should somebody like it, I would be curious as to why, and would interrogate that person with the same vivacity as a criminal on trial for murdering thousands of children. Even the wimpy shit like Taylor Swift, Owl City, and Jason Reeves at least has some audience of pathetic disgraceful assholes… this has none.

What makes it even worse, and earns it a rating of negative 473,000 kazillion is the stupid fluctuation in which the part “shine bright like a diamond” is sung. These are a group of stupid white girls who actually think they are being weird or creative. I just picture the dumbest duck faced white bitches saying, “Oh my God, we are sooo weird for doing this! It’s like, we’re on, like, drugs or something.”

The image of the girls singing that line is nauseating (I refused to watch the video for this shitty ass pile of fly infested nasty spoiled coleslaw stenched fucking most abominable shit on Earth, hearing it at work is bad enough).

#1 WORST SONG EVER. Lindsey Ray
"You Make Me Happy"

Goodbye From California

Wrong! This stupid shit doesn’t make anybody happy… and I’ve noticed. Hearing this brainless overly cheesy attempt at positively cheerful trite immediately puts me in a bad mood. I foresee the day when this song comes on in the store, and an array of gunshots is heard because everybody present commits suicide simultaneously from hearing the song’s chorus. In fact, I would be willing to wager that Lindsey Ray is the head of a suicide cult.

They claim these songs are “harmless” and inoffensive, but, on the contrary, it’s the complete opposite. The effects they have are far worse than if the corporate powers in charge of selecting the playlist opted to play Satanic death metal instead. These tracks actually should be considered the most offensive style of music to play in public places and the harmful consequences resulting from the effects this music has had on the world.

Back when I worked at a convenient store, a relatively decent 60’s station was the featured music. 
However, at that point, I had declared “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To” as the worst song in history. Every time that song was played, the customers acted incredibly stupid in the store, and somebody would drop a 40 ounce bottle of King Cobra on the floor. It was a disaster.

This music has an even worse effect. Fans of this music were, to put it bluntly, incredibly stupid to begin with; the type of people you never want in your establishment. Those who had never heard it gradually lose whatever intellect they once held upon hearing it; those who despise it will refuse to do business at places because it is being played over the speakers.

As a result of playing this, customers unknowingly disrespect the establishment and create turmoil for the entire store. They trash the displays, unfold all the clothes, throw shit all over the floor, put items where they do not belong, leave perishable items in places where they could spoil, leave garbage such as empty cups on the shelves- expecting others to clean up after them, and even engage in imbecilic confrontation with the store’s employees.

A woman recently directed hostility towards me over nothing. They placed a few items on the checkout counter, but did not empty their cart completely. First, they debated which of the shirts they did not wish to purchase—why did they even bring it to the counter in the first place. Also, they had a 20% discount card good for the entire week. I rang up the three items, informed them of the total, she paid with her charge card, and all was almost complete. However, the daughter (the dumb one) remembered the other items in her cart.
This was not a big deal and happens frequently. It would simply be another transaction, and the 20% discount would still apply. However, the dumb, seemingly brainless, daughter went into panic mode, and exclaimed, “We have a whole cart here!” in the similar fashion as if she had just suffered a disaster. The dumb daughter insisted that I should void the entire first order, and redo everything so that they would be on the same ticket; she assumed that she would not receive her 20% discount on the next transaction even though I told her that it was not a big deal and she would get 20% off on this as well.

I refused to honor her request to void the entire first transaction and eventually refused to even acknowledge her existence. One of our slogans states, “Focus On Mom” and that’s exactly what I did. I remained perfectly pleasant and cheerful to the mother and completely ignored the daughter. Even while she was panicking because I did not void the first transaction, I only spoke to the mother, and even changed the subject and talked about something entirely different. Also, I was able to keep a smile by employing what I call “The Bear Trap Tactic” which consists of visualizing customers stepping into a bear trap and then vividly picturing the reactions; when I pictured the daughter stepping into a bear trap, I laughed out loud… in was contagious because the mom smiled, laughed too, and assumed I was enjoying her dull conversation.

The entire rest of the checkout procedure, I did not speak to the daughter (ignored her when she spoke to me) and did not even look at her pathetic looking face (purposely making eye contact exclusively with the mom and intentionally not even looking in the direction of the daughter). By the end of the transaction, the mother was extremely happy… I probably could have fucked her if I really wanted to.

There was nothing lost for anybody by running the 2nd transaction and the discount still applied. Voiding the first transaction would have only been a complete waste of time for nothing. It was senseless bullshit caused by a lame bimbo that I should never have had to deal with in my entire life.

And guess what song was playing? “Happy” by Lindsey Ray.

The hopes for “harmless” have become the most “harmful” imaginable. This music creates unneeded tension in the workplace—I’d rather be forced to go down on my manager in order to remain on the schedule rather than hear any of these songs even one more time.

It increases labor costs by causing intensive hours of straightening up after the brainless customers who have made a mess; it decreases sales because decent customers do not wish to shop in a messy store that has been demolished by those suffering the negative effects of Kelly Clarkson exposure. Companies lose an extensive amount of money because the sounds of this shit causes people to either destroy products with negligence or eventually increase damage rates by improperly placing items where they do not belong and therefore lose the sale when the product expires. Customer service ratings also suffer drastically because people standing in long lines frequently complain about lengthy delays caused by customers who are behaving like disrespectful needy imbeciles and asking stupid questions to underpaid employees who are increasingly becoming more irate from having to listen to customer’s stupidity coupled with these same damn songs over and over again every single shift.

Unfortunately, most members of corporate management are too stupid to realize this—they were brainwashed at the seminar and will not attempt anything deemed “unconventional” because they lack the innovation to competently perform their positions, let alone revolutionize new standards. This is exactly why once thriving businesses such as K-Mart and Sears eventually fail. They hire corporate district managers who become too conservative to try anything new or innovative… unlike the vision the original proprietor once held… the proprietor these corporate derelicts are hoping to impress.

It is time to finally engage in a full-scale revolt… the official boycott. For one full month, retail employees will refuse to clean or straighten any customer-induced mess created in all children’s departments nationwide. Kid’s shoes, clothing, toys, etc. are frequently disrespected by parents teaching their children to be even stupider than they are. When their mess is never cleaned, they will finally see how much their lack of common courtesy effects society.

Furthermore, for this one month, the intelligent customers will revolt against the establishment for playing this garbage that causes people to behave like imbeciles. Anytime any of the songs from this list is heard in a store, customers participating in the rebellion will bust a 40 ounce bottle of King Cobra (or a bottle of Wild Irish Rose) on  the floor in a Children’s Department… further adding to the mess that nobody will ever clean. 

By the end of the month, every Children’s Department in all stores across the country will like a total disaster, especially the ones that feature this music. The products will be completely unorganized, littered with busted glass, reeking of cheap malt liquor, all employees will completely ignore the mess; those who complain of the mess will be subject to public ridicule and called out in front of their peers for being the ones who made the mess.

STUPID CUSTOMER: “The Children’s Department is a mess!”

STORE EMPLOYEE: “No shit! Do you think we’re the ones who made this mess? Personally, I don’t give a fuck. You don’t like it? Then you clean it… it’s your mess.”

It has been proven that places featuring good music have a substantially more desirable clientele and enjoy far more success and prosperity as a result.

Eventually, the playlist selection committee will be fired. The one stupid bitch in the community who complained about anything that wasn't considered harmless fluff will be delegated to a slum and never be granted domain to govern anything ever again. The employees will be given a lucrative raise to finally clean the Children’s Section (along with an apology for all of the suffering they had been forced to endure). All of those customers who were once regarded as insufferable assholes because they could never get in and out of a public establishment without doing anything stupid will finally realize the problems they had afflicted upon the world and an age of revelation will begin. There will be no more long lines, no more initiations of bad ideas, less hostility, and a better environment for everybody.

See the mess Katy Perry created! This era of brainless music WILL come to an abrupt end, soon, and that shall be the day that life officially began.

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Should I have to select music for a store's playlist, it would resemble this for one day. 106 songs without repeats- more than what any multi-billion dollar corporation can boast.

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