CHRISTMAS VACATION: CONFESSIONS OF A CONFUSED DOUCHE
SECTION ONE: LOOKING FOR MYSELF IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES
Chapter III: Megabus
Chapter III: The Megabus
Megabus wasn’t anywhere near what I expected. Granted I was assuming that there was going to be an actual bus depot, I partially expected this to be a massive huge bus with chickens flapping around all over the place… and it would take primarily back roads at a top end speed of about 45 mph. A person shouldn’t expect too much for this price. But, I suppose it was nicer than what I anticipated, though not quite as big. It was spacious, and there wasn’t an abundance of passengers. I had to sit next to some girl who looked somewhat attractive from the side, but not so much up close and personal… I didn’t speak one word to her during the entire duration of the trip.
I was tired because I only had a couple hours of sleep the previous night. As I sat there, awaiting some sort of announcement to be certain that I was indeed on the right bus, I had the misfortune of listening to other people converse on the bus. The girl across the aisle one row behind me (who I almost sat by as she scooted over as I was making my way towards the back) was joined by somebody she knew—an ex-boyfriend. They talked about some extremely douchy bullshit and I wondered how excruciating of a couple they must have been back in the day. Some other people were in some sort of a deep conversation about nothing—they didn’t even know each other, and the woman in front of me was yapping on her cell phone about her meaningless job.
I’ve noticed that people who talk loudly in public on their cell phones never say anything interesting; this is because talking loudly on one’s cell phone is a defining characteristic of uninteresting people. This was enough for me, I had made a 10 hour playlist that was calling my name; and soon as I place the headphones over my ears, all the douchiness in the world mysteriously vanishes. A few more people boarded, three hot women, I was happy, and off to sleep I went… somewhat asleep, the type of sleep that a person can acquire while riding a Megabus.
For most of the ride, I was in-between sleeping, a slight dream, listening to the music, and checking out the two girls who were in my sight—the one directly across the aisle from me ended up winning first place in the hottest babe on the Megabus award (I wasted a good ten minutes of my life contemplating some way for her to exchange seats with the woman next to me because I felt we would have made a better couple; I wasted an enormous amount of time trying to look down her boot—having a foot fetish, this is equivalent to looking down a woman’s blouse.)
Suddenly, the bus came to a complete halt on the highway. I returned to life and noticed we were stopped in a traffic jam. Everybody else stopped what they were doing to observe the situation. Because I found everybody else’s reaction to be an amateur response, and because I have spent the past couple of years grudgingly appalled by all members of seemingly normal society, I purposely paid it no attention whatsoever and pretended to remain sound asleep.
However, my curiosity got the best of me when I could hear the bus driver shouting over my headphones. I removed my headphones, but the announcement had ended. It’s not like I gave even a remote slight tad of a shit because I have the ability to figure out things for myself. But, I took my headphones off anyway because it is a good idea to do this every couple hours of so to let the ears air out. Right as I did this, the bus driver honked at somebody.
That’s when shit almost got out of hand. The driver of the Megabus pounded on the windshield and angrily flipped the person in front of us her middle finger while shouting a tirade of excessive profanity. This volatile act of vengeance continued and she even threatened this mother fucker with a full scale Megabus rear-end collision that would have fucked his bumper up royally. Just in case her viciousness wasn’t taken seriously, she kept speeding up and slamming her brakes remaining about one inch from the person’s bumper.
I was anticipating that they were going to pull over and get into a fight. Then, I wondered what it would be like if she started shit with a whole another bus and the passengers of both busses got out and engaged in a combative gang fight on the side of the road with knives and chains, and people smashing each other across the faces with suitcases. As for me, I would have no part of it—I’m not associated with any of these mother fuckers.
We had to exit the highway and the driver was angrily cruising down the road in the rain while reading a map, periodically swerving off the side of the road from paying more attention to the map than the road. Perhaps that’s why I was supposed to miss this Megabus, it was the Megabus that was going to wreck. Fuck it, I thought, it’s as good of a way to die as any, and at least I would be smashed to my death at least in somewhat proximity of a relatively cute girl. So, I put my headphones back on, ignored the entire situation, and delved into a series of erotic fantasies involving me, the girl across the aisle with the sexy boots, and a high speed bus crash.
Due to the I-65 Unidentified Traffic Disaster, the bus was delayed 45 minutes. We stopped in Indianapolis at their fancy bus depot; a random corner with no bus shelter whatsoever. Some of the passengers had reached their destination, and gleefully jumped out of the bus while praising the heavens and kissing the sidewalk; for some other mother fuckers, their trip had just begun. These assholes endured the noxious disaster of waiting an additional 45 minutes standing outside in the cold, on the God damn mother fucking random ass corner, wondering where in Sam Dickens the damn Megabus was—many of them I’m sure assumed they had just been scammed for there is no way to inform the passengers of any delays.
While some of the passengers were gawking out the windows, snapping photographs of this delineating representation of gorgeous Indianapolis, IN, others viewed this as an unprecedented opportunity to go outside and have a cigarette—me being one of these assholes. The person who was sitting behind me approached me and proceeded to tell me a little about himself. He seemed pretty cool, and apparently he saw me as somebody cool enough to share his stories with at that particular moment. After a quick exchange, he told me that it was his birthday over the weekend (Happy Birthday) and how he got shitfaced drunk the entire weekend. Furthermore, he got so drunk, that he did not even remember doing anything and woke up with a series of pamphlets in his pocket that he had been passing around for no reason at all—an event that he would never be attending.
We re-boarded the bus and there were a few new passengers and those who left were soon completely forgotten about. Unfortunately, the cute girl directly across the aisle from me had now scooted by the window and my new neighbor was some older fat guy. In the event of a fatal high speed bus crash, figuring out a method to maneuver through this man in order to die in proximity with the current subject of my prolonged foot fetish fantasy would be a task; but, an essential one because thoughts of her extended well beyond my anticipated image of her lovely painted toenails—they had evolved all the way to visions that she would be joining me in Cincinnati because we had both found true love on the Megabus; I created the perfect personality for her too.
The dude behind me (the one who shared his drunken escapades with me) had a new partner—an improvement—a fairly cute woman in exchange for the undesirable man he had been sitting with the entire time. As I sat down, I could hear him talking to her…it was like Déjà vu. He greeted her, introduced himself, and then proceeded to tell her all about his drunken birthday adventures. I had already heard it before, put my headphones back on, and once again all was drowned out.
Once again, I dozed off, but was jarred awake by some sort of strange dream. When I awoke, I removed my headphones and attempted to decipher where exactly we were and approximately when we would be arriving in Cincinnati. The two behind me were still in conversation, only this time, she was talking… she was talking to him about Jesus and explaining to him why people should never abuse alcohol in excess. That guy picked the wrong person to share that story.
Index: Chapter List
Chapter 3 Soundtrack Listing:1. Super Furry Animals
"Back On A Roll" 3:46
2. The BellRays
"Stupid Fuckin' People" 2:46
3. The Exploders
"Fuzz Bomb" 3:15
4. Penguin Cafe Orchestra
Signs of Life
"Angel of Death" 4:25
Reign in Blood
6. The Clean
"Point That Thing" 5:28
Boodle Boodle Boodle
7. The Mekons
"Trouble Down South" 4:15
Fear and Whiskey
8. The Jesus and Mary Chain
Some Candy Talkin' EP
9. The Doors
"Indian Summer" 2:36
"IV III II I" 4:25
All Sections Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal
Shoe Image from discountwomensdressshoes.com They are only $16.99.
Bottom image of what I envisioned the Megabus to look like from Hometown Arusha blog.