Christmas Vacation: Confessions of a Confused Douche



Chapter I: A Redefinition of New Year’s Resolutions

Life as a shock to the system can be rewarding if discovered by like minds seeking unique innovative alternatives to ordinary conventions; life as a shock to the system can be unsettling when surrounded by those who are perplexed with seemingly eccentric mannerisms; and it can downright suck when in the presence of those who are appalled by your very existence. It's worst when the subject is unsure whether or not he/she is even perceived as a shock or merely a victim of inconsistent misrepresentations.

Christmas time is here again; that annual celebration of day #358 in which the miracle never came. We simply forfeit that last week of another year gone by and hope that somewhere in that week the anticipated miracle might occur somewhere on 34th Street, wherever the fuck that might be. If the miracle never shows, well, then there’s always next year. Next year is always supposed to better.

This year, I was left with no choice but lay it all out on the line for next year. As it stood, I had no job, no car, no nothing. It seemed that once upon a time I had some appeal to somebody; it’s hard to believe that it all had vanished so quickly. The time had come to abandon the wretched life located in a place called worst case scenario and reach that ultimate destination many refer to as where it was all meant to be; the place in this world where I have always belonged. But first, I had to visit my relatives for the holidays.

“You better get your driver’s license before you leave.”

I don’t know why this was such a critical request, nor do I even recollect all the details as to why I did not even have a driver’s license in the first place. Once upon a time I cited “delivery driver” as an occupation and drove over 50,000 miles each year. After getting pulled over 200+ times in my life, I mysteriously lost the ambition to operate a vehicle ever again. I might drive again someday, but it is not in my main priorities for I had a multitude of other priorities that needed to be addressed.

In order to satisfy my mother’s requests, I opted to take the bus to BMV and obtain a new driver’s license just before leaving. However, I arrived there at 4:18 PM and the office closed at 4:15 PM. It never occurred to me that any operating establishment would select 4:15 PM as an appropriate closing time, but Milwaukee County Bureau of Motor Vehicles decided 4:15 PM was the perfect time to abandon the terrestrial sphere and do whatever it is those mystical beings when they disappear from the only location most of society can identify them. The entire trip had been all for nothing.

Demoralized by the entire process, I decided to take a stroll downtown and perhaps at least do something while I was out; granted this was all by mistake because I accidentally walked several blocks in the wrong direction before realizing my error. When an idea arose to go someplace, I concluded with, “I don’t have any business being there anymore.” Much of this had to do with the fact that I had just left my job of 2.5 years and had no real place to go; but I supposed that I still associated being downtown with working my previous job.

As I was walking around trying to decide a place to go, it occurred to me that I was totally lost in this world. I didn’t have any business being anywhere. Neither here nor there, this was not an ideal spot for a person to be. I pictured the Gods staring down upon me, watching me walk aimlessly in no direction whatsoever, wondering where it all went wrong. Simply put, I was displaced and had been for quite some time.

That was the #1 goal of my compilation of New Year’s Resolutions, and there was quite a list of them. But it ultimately entailed: Find that place where you ultimately belong, figure out what business you have to be anywhere, and then… go there.

Portland, Oregon seemed ideal. There were a few others on the list… Fort Collins, Colorado would be nice, I always wanted to live in New York, but not sure I can afford it. New Zealand remained #1, but I definitely could not afford that at the moment. Moving back to Asheville remained a possibility, as did staying in Milwaukee. London would be nice. I had some motivation to explore Mountain View, California, although that remained an unknown entity.

Moving to Portland, Oregon had easily won the primary election. The vote was unofficial though, because I had to say goodbye to all my imaginary friends in 12 short days. They were all I had, for my entire life.

One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to stop talking to myself. Some people claim that it is permissible to talk to yourself, so long as you don’t answer yourself. I’m way past answering myself… I narrate, and refer to myself as “we” and we often vote amongst ourselves on all issues pertaining to life.

Being as I had no business being anywhere, and I had nothing better else to do, I set forth on my annual journey to those places I used to live… only this time, I set no time table as to when I’d return. This might even be the year in which I disappear for good… that had been an option for several years now. I still wished to visit New Zealand and retreat in solitary isolation in a desolate region unknown to the world, refraining from all contact with the human race, for 40 days. This would expunge all artificial influence that may have dictated my life and created a disturbance in my cognizance; abstinence from society for 40 days would enable me to return to being 100% completely natural. In fact, I think all people should do this at some point this year. Then, I, we, we’ll know who we really are.

Chapter: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12  13  14  15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30  31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45

Chapter 1 Soundtrack:

1. Sonic Youth
"Radical Adults Lick Godhead Style" 4:28

Murray Street

2. Bob Dylan
"Like a Rolling Stone" 6:13

Highway 61 Revisited

3. The Fiery Furnaces
"My Dog Was Lost But Now He's Found" 3:30

Blueberry Boat

4. Swans
"Can't Find My Way Home" 4:48

The Burning World

5. Soul Asylum
"Runaway Train" 4:27

Grave Dancer's Union

6. Vince Guaraldi
"Christmas Time is Here (vocal)" 2:47

A Charlie Brown Christmas

7. Pink Floyd
"Nobody Home" 3:12

The Wall

8. Scissor Sisters
"Return To Oz" 4:40

Scissor Sisters

9. Galaxie 500
"Tugboat" 3:55


10. Van Der Graaf Generator
"Lost" 11:17

H to He, Who Am the Only One

All Sections Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal



  1. This seems perhaps a random thing to be curious about, but why Mountain View?

    1. Honestly, I've never been there or even met anybody from there. It caught my curiosity because it showed up on the map that tracks page hits to this blog and I researched it because Mountain View is an enticing name for a city. The pictures looked nice, the weather is good, low crime rate, and its close enough to San Francisco- where I would also like but deemed too expensive. Unfortunately, Mountain View was listed as even more expensive than San Francisco. I'll probably still visit there one day though.

  2. It's where I was born (ditto Google, which is only one of the companies that make it so expensive to live there unless you're swimming in cash/a computer genius for a living) and though it's not a small town by any means, it is (in my humble opinion) unremarkable enough for me to be slightly surprised to see it come up randomly. Oh, and San Francisco IS all it's cracked up to be. Most beautiful city I can think of. But Oakland is not to be written off, either...

    1. If I ever have anything published and receive respectable compensation (AKA- "hit it big") then I may migrate to San Francisco. I still want to go to Portland though, and Vancouver, and New Zealand... and a bunch of other places. Hopefully someday I can explore the whole world.

  3. Portland is the place to be :) DOOOO IT!

  4. Post Revision Note (at the request of my mother): My mom informed me that it was so imperative for me to obtain my driver's license before leaving so that I would not be bored sitting around her house while she wasn't there. Therefore, as she so elegantly put it, any mention of me sitting around the house without anything to do is my own damn fault. My mom is the most blunt honest person on Earth... she rules.


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