CHRISTMAS VACATION: CONFESSIONS OF A CONFUSED DOUCHE
SECTION TWO: CINCINNATI, OHIO
Chapter VII: Survivors of The Great Flood
My mom is friends with a woman from Indianapolis and the two were chatting on Facebook while we were watching a movie. She requested my input and I was asked to rate pictures of various women for her. None of them were really that attractive and definitely not my type. Because of my honesty, I was then asked to rate two guys as well. This woman had joined a dating site and was Facebook stalking two guys she had been with on a couple dates. These guys were complete douches and represented everything I despise in American dating culture.
Douche #1 liked flashing money (looks wise was a total fucking loser) and Douche #2- was a personal trainer and liked flashing his muscles (looks wise, also a total fucking loser). Personality wise—they had no real personality… there are currently 10,000 exact replicas of these two douches at any given Target store right now as we speak. There is no real reason for anybody to be enamored with either of these two.
I have no right to judge a person’s taste in anything and therefore my opinion should not matter. As a bartender though, I am often baffled with some of the losers, lies, and corny pick-up lines that women fall for. As a staunch feminist, it irritates me that girls still act this way in modern times. This woman was moderately attractive, I suppose. Meaning: I would allow her to have her way with me, but I would not pursue it; she would have to do all of the initiating and pay for all of my drinks—which would be required for me to go home with her.
My level of irritation escalated when I found out her occupation. She was a Prosecuting Attorney. Because of her job, I would never date her. Meaning: even though she earns a lucrative salary, she still could not afford all of the alcohol that would be required for her take me home. Meaning: even though she earns her living through the power of persuasion, she would have to chase me all the way to the restraining order office in order to even have an intimate conversation.
These people are fully responsible for the world’s largest prison population. They have the empowerment to impose death sentences. Rather than try to gain understanding of the aspects of life in which they were never exposed during their all expense paid academic journey to a prestigious degree, they egotistically compete in judicial competitions where the level of victory is equated to length of the prison sentence, the excess of the fines used to finance further corruption, and the demoralization of a citizen who may have been faced with unmanageable circumstances.
There are numerous people who are downright appalling and deserve punishment for the severity of their crimes. But…
In order to obtain proper licensing, I feel that all prosecutors must first be required to gain substantial knowledge about the conflicts they are assaulting. All prosecutors should be required to smoke marijuana in order to learn about its’ so-called “dangers.” As part of their training, they should inhabit a poverty stricken community for one full semester in order to gain awareness to the substandard elements of American society that create a need for drastic measures. An entire semester should be spent driving around the city to learn how easy it is to be pulled over by the quota seekers. All attorneys should be required to study one full semester in prison—therefore, they will know what it is like and might think differently as to who they feel actually belong in one.
All prosecutors must have extensive knowledge on how the media works. In order to even be considered for a position at the prosecutor’s office, one has to know, undeniably, that the reality of a situation is NEVER accurately portrayed in the news. The news media is but a source of entertainment with an agenda to satisfy corporate sponsorship, and therefore considered the ultimate unreliable narrator. Baseball players are expected to give up steroids, the Catholic Priest has to remain abstinent from sex, and television should be forbidden to a prosecuting attorney.
Just as a joke, I offered her advice for finding a new boyfriend. This woman was actually coming off as desperate and if I played my cards right, even I could have slept with her. I told her to accept a plea bargain from somebody who had admitted guilt to a crime. As a result of the sentencing, this guy had to be her exact perfect boyfriend for however long the prison sentence would have been. As a result, there would be one less person in an over-crowded prison, he would undoubtedly be rehabilitated, and she would no longer be desperate.
She staunchly declared that she would never do that.
We continued our discussion which was taking place over the computer. I expressed my opinion that the people she seemed intrigued with were nothing special and that she needed to get over Douche #1. In response, she stated that she just recently got UNDER Douche #1.
That statement inflicted more trauma than a significant portion of the people she had sentenced instilled on their alleged victims. I have never been more repulsed by a sexual image in my entire life. The image of Douche #1 on top of me nearly made me nauseous and I could just not imagine how any person could even go on with life after having this overweight slob sweating and grunting while thrusting his obviously unattractive and poorly groomed penis shaft inside of her. Even more revolting was the look I envisioned on his face when he pulled out and came all over her. This was an absolutely horrendous visualization that I had because this guy had no sex appeal whatsoever.
Looks aren’t everything. She countered by implying that he had a marvelous personality and proceeded to describe his “unique” personality traits. Unfortunately, I was not impressed. Her delegation of “powerful woman” quickly evaporated to “dumb white girl.” This was the type of guy that I would dread seeing enter my bar and would immediately be awarded the title of least cool person in the establishment. I would completely ignore this person should he ever try to engage in conversation with me. In fact, I could already tell what his interests were just by looking at his picture—and I have no power in society whatsoever.
I have developed a belief that a person’s personality traits ultimately define a person’s facial features. One evening I was eating at Oakland Gyro in Milwaukee and this stupid girl looked over my table with the douchiest looking smile I had ever seen. I immediately thought to myself: “I wonder what a person had to have gone through to develop an image that douchy.” She ended being a huge douche too—the guys she was with were even douchier. One of the guys was harassing the cashier declaring “all I ordered was a hot dog, man” (he felt as if he should not have to wait even 5 seconds for his shitty hot dog.) She smiled the entire time, and told the other guy she was with that the dude harassing the staff had “a cute ass.” I glanced up to look at it, and immediately sat back down, stating aloud, “you gotta be fucking kidding me!” I just don’t know what it’s like to be enamored with nothing special.
We went to the Wal Mart in Eastgate and what a debacle that place was. The people in there were absolutely horrendous looking…filthy disgusting creatures… all of them. I wondered what they had endured in order to generate that look. They looked as if they had barely survived some sort of tragedy that had mutilated their faces. Therefore, I dubbed them, “Survivors of the Great Flood.” The majority of Clermont County looked this way… no wonder I was once considered handsome in my youth.
Some people have suggested that I have standout features, which I don’t see, but what the fuck do I know? They have no idea the kind of music I like, and I think the music a person enjoys, as well as the level of indulgence, define their physical characteristics. For example, you can tell just by looking at Rachael Ray that she does not have an extensive assortment of Japanese Hardcore in her music collection. In my own personal quests for a girlfriend, I am seeking somebody with the physical features that suggest she may be heavily interested in specific types of music; I’m simply not attracted to women I can tell are strictly diehard pop country addicts.
Index: Chapter List
Chapter 7 Soundtrack Listing:
1. System of a Down
"Prison Song" 3:21
2. Give Goods
"I Want to Kill a Rich Man" 4:28
I Want to Kill a Rich Man
3. Burning Brides
"If I'm a Man" 3:43
Fall of the Plastic Empire
4. Bruce Springsteen
"Johnny 99" 3:44
"Black Hole Sun" 5:18
6. John Lennon & Yoko Ono
"Born In A Prison" 4:06
Some Time In New York City
7. Rhino 39
Rhino 39 EP
8. The Mars Volta
"The Malkin Jewel" 4:45
"3rd From The Sun" 4:44
3rd From The Sun
All Sections Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal
Douchebag Image Created by motifake.com
Bottom image from: Young Moms Club.