CHRISTMAS VACATION: CONFESSIONS OF A CONFUSED DOUCHE
SECTION TWO: CINCINNATI, OHIO
Chapter V: The Idea of an Autobiographical Tell-All Confessional
While awaiting our carryout order from Bob Evan’s, my mother took the opportunity to discuss the books she had been reading. Among those, and her personal favorite, was the autobiography written by Kirstie Alley which she insisted that I had to read (the name I do not recall) (she said I only had to read the first few chapters). My mom stated that this narrative had some sort of inspirational influence on her. I did read the first several chapters, and the reading was OK I guess. However, it was interesting that my own mother suggested that I read this.
The first chapter described how she irritated her father and made decisions she knew he would never approve; the other chapters had some slightly bizarre situations such as when she was a child she enjoyed poking her neighbor’s penis with a stick.
Upon reading this, I wondered how my mom would react if I wrote something of this nature, a “tell-all confessional.” Perhaps she would still find it somewhat inspirational; that is, until she found out that it was I who wrote it. Admittedly, I censor my own writing because I am unsure how certain people in my life would respond after reading it. Furthermore, I rarely write about myself or personal experiences for fears of people close to me thinking that I am a weirdo or that there is something seriously wrong with me (they think that anyway, and if I wrote about how I really felt, that could make matters worse.)
People have requested that I should write an autobiography, in which I have declined. Some people ask me if I write about my own personal experiences and give me puzzling looks when I tell them that I generally do not. Why not? Because I believe stories are more entertaining when the truth can be fabricated… particularly when trying to prove a point… it’s sometimes easier to understand the course of nature through the perspective of an uncharacteristic source. Sometimes I will channel my own personal beliefs through the characters I have created, or place other characters in situations I’ve been in just to create different conclusions. For example, I did base the Class Reunion story after my own graduating class, but omitted myself, incorporated numerous unrealistic surreal events such as one member returning from the dead and a talking alligator, etc. and simply made up how all their lives have become on this day… which more than likely, is all entirely false.
However, I generally try to avoid this.
Furthermore, people tend to view something written by a person they know much differently than “established” authors. I have dealt with people who enjoy reading stories with lots of sex and violence, but then complain about my writing because it contains profanity. People like it when authors break the rules…when I do it, it’s too “out there” for anybody to understand because it doesn’t comply with every single rule known to man. But, when people I do not know read these things, I have no idea how they react because I never see their monkey asses in real life.
The main reason I do not write autobiographical material is because there are things about me that I do not wish certain people to know. Unfortunately, most of my most entertaining personal stories would downright appall some of my friends and family members who believe that I am an otherwise good person. I have never expressed my discontent on many issues or people due to the fact that I do not wish to insult anybody. Furthermore, I am fully aware that sharing the thought processes within my mind will cause people to question not only my personal wellness, but my mental stability.
Regardless, after reading the Kirstie Alley autobiography, I questioned whether or not I should go ahead and write things that I know for a fact would cause an outrage in my own family. However, I am uncertain whether or not I have the courage to express controversial opinions that I am certain will undoubtedly create turmoil. I don’t even like the thoughts that enter my head, and therefore should not expect anybody else to; most often, I do not even like myself. On the other hand, it is considered unhealthy to keep all of one’s emotions bottled up inside and perhaps it might do some good to openly confront some of these issues—the old cliché “get it off your chest.” It’s something I would think about much further.
Let’s face it, overly cheerful and positive works of literature are often dismissed as irrelevant; Rachael Ray doesn’t even read that kind of shit. I could write a one page story that simply stated, “I love everybody! My friends are great! Life is wonderful! The world is perfect exactly how it is! BFF’S!!!” If somebody discussed in a book club how that was the greatest piece of literature ever written, they would be slapped and thrown out of the book club meeting in the full-nelson amidst the other members assailing him/her with empty Styrofoam coffee cups.
But, to expose all of the negative transgressions of not only myself, but that of others as well, could potentially ruin relationships. I am perfectly fine exposing my own imperfections and can handle people expressing disapproval to some of my actions. Furthermore, people have harshly rebuked my personal beliefs…my entire life… and that’s just on the things they know about.
It is doubtful that many people in my life could handle the same type of harsh criticism they have instilled upon me should the tables be turned. People have expressed discontentment for many of my actions I have considered only moderately offensive—I can only imagine the reaction to the uncensored version. I have always accepted people’s shortcomings and never expected any person to be perfect. Although friends, relatives, and loved ones do things that I downright detest, I have ignored those uncongenial characteristics, compromised my own personal beliefs, and attempted to adapt to their lifestyle rather than attempt to entrench them into mine.
And that’s when I opted to do so… to see if anybody, particularly the loved ones contained within, has the ability to appreciate, love, and respect uncomfortable perspicacity as I have my entire life. It would be a challenge for some to even accept; too difficult for many to even handle. Unfortunately, the only people who find these actions repulsive represent just a small fraction of the world’s population; even most unfortunately, that small fraction represents the most essential people in my life. That’s why I gained a little respect for Kirstie Alley, and a lot of respect for Marilyn Manson.
Maybe people need to know that. If you find me offensive, that means you are in the vast minority and most other people will find you narrow-minded. In general, issues that annoy me often irritate the majority of logical thinkers. In my experiences, people who I do not like are often disliked by everybody; I’ve always discovered that co-workers who annoy me are frequently discussed negatively by the rest of the group. So, if I don’t like you, then nobody does. And that said, should I kindly express an action or trait that I find deplorable, chances are the vast majority will take my side, and the disposition in question should be addressed as a potentially serious problem. You know, I am always here to help.
Index: Chapter List
Chapter 5 Soundtrack Listing:1. Grant Lee Buffalo
"Rock of Ages" 4:15
Mighty Joe Moon
"History Lesson - Part II" 2:12
Double Nickels On The Dime
3. Mojave 3
"Writing To St. Peter" 5:58
Spoon And Rafter
4. Who Knew
"Cuckoo's Nest" 4:11
Bits And Pieces Of A Major Spectacle
5. The Runaways
"Born To Be Bad" 4:32
Queens Of Noise
6. Spanky And Our Gang
"Like to Get to Know You" 3:10
Like to Get to Know You
7. Division Of Laura Lee
"The Truth Is Fucked" 3:38
8. 13th Floor Elevators
"I Had to Tell You" 2:28
9. The Orchids
10. Bob Dylan
"It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)" 7:32
Bringing It All Back Home
11. Titus Andronicus
"A More Perfect Union" 7:10
All Sections Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal
Bottom image of Marilyn Manson, dedicated to everybody who has thought that I was weird. Copyright listed in bottom left corner; taken fromTapety.tja (Poland).