2013/02/25

Chapter 45: The Future Shall Never Be Represented

CHRISTMAS VACATION: CONFESSIONS OF A CONFUSED DOUCHE


SECTION V: THE LONG BUS RIDE HOME WITH TOO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT





Chapter XLV: The Future Shall Never Be Represented


It’s 2013. I haven’t achieved any of my New Year’s Resolutions yet. Rather than insist they have to be accomplished on January 1st, like so many other failed resolutions, I gave myself the full duration of the year to fulfill my ultimate ambitions. In order to do that, it may require 331 steps in 331 days. Occasionally, two steps could be taken at once; occasionally, a person might slip down a step or two. (There are only 331 steps because nobody does shit after December 10th.)

Finally, I was in Milwaukee… waiting for another bus. It was cold here; suddenly those temperatures in Asheville seemed pleasantly mild. On the green line bus, with all the white girls who I had refused to even speak to for the past year, another line of another song caught my attention. This time, it was Wilder by The Boo Radleys.

“That it’s not, where you are, it’s who you’re with.”

Once upon a time, that line depicted an entirely different struggle. I wanted to leave Cincinnati, but stayed longer because I had some friends there that I had known for years. When it came on this time, gazing around at the Green Line White People, it had the opposite effect. Whatever I like about Milwaukee was nullified because of my incompatibility with a significant portion of the city’s population.

There was no reason for me to dislike these people. Just because they do not like me is of no matter for they have the right to like and dislike whoever they please. I am simply not one of them and there is no reason to hate anybody. It is possible that the overall perception is tarnished because of the drastic severity of my own personal perception. I am going to have to get over Jen, get over my past mistakes, get over boycotting every aspect of society, and go home, and put that $230 in the fucking mail once and for all.

I had no genuine explanation as to why I despise all the people on the Green Line Bus in Milwaukee. But simply put, I had reached the point where I could not even stand looking at them, and having to listen to them talk caused severe brain hemorrhaging. Therefore, I can not dwell in public for prolonged periods without wearing headphones to drown out all conversation. I had overheard too many conversations about the best episodes of Jersey Shore. Again, no reason to hate, the majority of the Milwaukee population prefers mainstream culture significantly more than me.

There are a multitude of things in which I cannot explain. To be honest, I have no idea why I ever share anything. I have no idea why anything should be deemed as important; or why fulfilling various ambitions has any implications whatsoever in The Grand Scheme of Things. I suppose that I am never going to commit suicide… and if I have to remain entrenched in real world as we know it, I would like to at least pursue personal enjoyment.

Uplifting the personal boycott I have placed on myself remains the most difficult task, yet the most important one. Perhaps as a result of the continuous turmoil I have placed upon myself, I have no clue who I really am as a person; and question whether or not I am a real person at all. Because I do not know myself, and because of all my inconsistencies, I am unsure what my likes, dislikes, interests, and abilities even consist; I am constantly plagued with self-doubt.

Having the desire to be rich and famous is a common goal amongst humans. However, I have no interest in money and denounce being rich. I do not like attention and cannot stand people who are so starved for attention that they purposely place themselves in positions where people are forcefully subjected to their douchy behavior. I do not do these things, yet frequently find myself the focus of attention and unsure how to handle the situation. And, I am not even sure why I am even drawing that type of attention.

Many people desire to become a superstar of some sorts, as they hope to someday see their name in lights or championed as a prized celebrity. Furthermore, many feel as if they actually do have superstar qualities and attempt to promote their personal ideas and ambitions. I am uncertain whether or not this is considered arrogant. Also, I question whether or not I had any remarkable qualities in the first place.

If I could be awarded a position that fulfills performing what I naturally enjoy doing, than that would consist of making movies set to excellent soundtracks. Unfortunately, this is an occupation that is considered superstar quality, high paying, and could launch a person into celebrity status. Because it is something that I think I would enjoy, and because I have no interest in money, I would write movies for 40 hours a week and be satisfied earning $25,000 a year. But, I am unsure if this is something that I simply like or if it is something that I am genuinely good at. And, it is not an easy job to obtain either, as I have never submitted anything to any sort of agency.

There is a huge possibility that I genuinely suck at everything I enjoy doing. That this whole time, my whole entire life, I had been attempting to pursue my greatest flaw that in no way shape or form represents me as a person. I have a false perception of myself and anything that I've done that I feel would garner any interest from any other human being on Earth is a mere case of arrogance and Megalomania. Sharing my personal stories is perceived by others in the exact same manner that I reacted to the milk in the vending machine or the defective manufacturing I heard all about at the onset of this voyage. I’m not even sure why I even do it in the first place—personal enjoyment I suppose, but recreational hobbies do not pay bills.

Due to the fact that I am inflicted with self-doubt and uncertainty, I not only question my ability, but I also question whether or not this is even a genuine interest. With that, I would need to re-evaluate my entire life and hopefully discover something else that may be of interest to me; and with some luck, this would be something in which I am actually good at this time. The result of this would have me become an entirely different person and in the process, re-examine everything that I had ever assumed was of any importance to me.

And that would satisfy another goal of mine: to become that regular ordinary person that I always assumed was a douche. Perhaps it is wrong of me to consider anybody a douche for it is I who has always been the douche. After all, the majority of the people in this world share common interests, and I have no right to belittle them simply because I think they are moronic. I am the one who has always been the imbecile and therefore, it is possible that all of the interests that I think are of superior quality actually lack any appeal whatsoever. Therefore, I need to redefine what I consider appealing and establish a repertoire that is more practical in regards with the rest of civilization. It is imperative that I become an active member of mainstream American culture in order to fit in with society because this is where I live—THIS is who I really am. By achieving this goal, I could adapt to any situation and be exactly like everybody else… and that’s a good thing.

I shall live in a world with zero expectations. All of these expectations that have been applied, I have instilled upon myself. I don’t have to know anything; I don’t have to do anything; and it really doesn't matter if I ever achieve anything. I can get a job at Wal Mart, buy a TV, and be like everybody else. TV will teach me how to function in ordinary society.

There is also the notion that I do not belong anywhere in this world. If I am to adapt to anything, it might be best for me to consider joining an Amish Community. Or, I live in total isolation; I am alone a majority of the time anyway and perhaps the reason for this is because people downright cannot stand to be around me. Should I join an Amish Community, I would no longer have to conform to any elements of the world in which I reject. I am against the constant pursuit of money, and killing and fighting wars just to preserve wealth; I am against most of the policies enacted by the government. Furthermore, let’s face it, my life has become such as mess that it is virtually impossible to ever overcome everything. If I joined the Amish Community, that would mark the end to all my unpaid fines, my warrants, and my lack of driver’s license and credit card would mean nothing.

In order for me to achieve anything, it is possible that the person who I am now has to be killed off because whatever I think I am now has failed so miserably that all is hopeless. I would run from all of my ailments, change my identity, and completely alter all of the so-called “statistics” that define a person such as name, age, social security number. Nobody believes my age anyway. For that matter, I've been told repeatedly that I do not look like a Tony either. This will be an easy transformation, only my existence as it had always been known would be presumed dead to the world. It wasn't much of an existence anyway and it is slowly drowning. Easy decision…

And so I disappeared without a trace and was never seen or heard from again.

I head home to solitude and a fat ass non-existent Facebook wife. Nothing was achieved yet. But as for those goals to finally figure where in the fuck I had any business being in this world, the foundation had at least be laid, or cracks in the existing foundation had been exposed. I at least had numerous options and satisfied with any of the results. Whatever happened, that would define my destination; and that even included the see-the-world Dream Vacation known now as Plan DD.

The aspirations did not even have a definite conclusion and remained a multiple choice question. But, it is a question I cannot answer myself as it is now left up to chance. The goal was simply to find out where I belonged, and perhaps wherever I end up is where I officially belong. One day it will be realized, and that day will come soon. Somehow, some way, in 2013, one set of ambitions will finally be achieved. And then…

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THE END




Index: Chapter List

Chapter 45 Soundtrack Listing:


1. The Boo Radleys
"Wilder" 5:51

Wake Up!
1995

2. Big Star
"Kanga-Roo" 3:47

Third/Sister Lovers
1978

3. The Jesus and Mary Chain
"Darklands" 5:30

Darklands
1987

4. Dead Skeletons
"Dead Mantra" 8:39

Dead Magick
2011

5. Secret Machines
"Nowhere Again" 4:16

Now Here Is Nowhere
2004

6. Brave Captain
"Third Unattended Bag on the Right" 5:38

Nothing Lives Long, He Sang, Only the Earth and the Mountains
2001

7. The Only Ones
"The Beast" 5:48

The Only Ones
1978

8. Ultravox
"Vienna" 4:54

Vienna
1980

9. Smokey Robinson
"Happy (Love Theme From Lady Sings The Blues)" 7:13

A Quiet Storm
1975

10. Rod Stewart
"Mandolin Wind" 5:30

Every Picture Tells A Story
1971

11. Quickspace
"A Rose" 5:41

The Death of Quickspace
2000

12. The Knack
"We Are Waiting" 4:21

Round Trip
1981

13. Flotation Toy Warning
"Made from Tiny Boxes" 1:29

Bluffer's Guide to the Flight Deck
2005

14. Shrimp Boat
"Swinging Shell" 3:06

Cavale
1993

15. Blue Öyster Cult
"Astronomy" 6:24

Secret Treaties
1974

16. Suicide
"Dream Baby Dream" 6:42

Dream Baby Dream
1979

All Sections Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal


©2013

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