CHRISTMAS VACATION: CONFESSIONS OF A CONFUSED DOUCHE
SECTION V: THE LONG BUS RIDE HOME WITH TOO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT
Chapter XLII: The Top 879,000 Reasons I Make People Uncomfortable
Once we arrived in Indianapolis, my fears of boarding the wrong bus diminished. At this point, I was close enough to where I needed to be, and if something tragic happened, I could call somebody. I was tired, irritable, and considered layovers, luggage, and the other passengers on my buses the top three worst forms of reprehension in the existence of all humanity. We had to waste a significant portion of life at this station, and I began wishing the fate of Rico Rizzo upon myself. I contemplated walking to a restaurant for I had not eaten since the pizza place—which is why I was glad that I did at least eat something there. But guess what? I’ve encountered so many mishaps in my life that I knew if I went to a restaurant that some sort of mysterious unresolved form of existentialism would occur and that I would miss the bus.
The trip from Indianapolis to Chicago was the best ride. There was nobody seated next to me and it was nice having the entire space to myself. By this point, the rest of the passengers had at least become familiar faces. The only irritating part of this trip had to listen to the people across the aisle from me talk to each other.
Some woman was talking to this dude, and she invited him to come to the casino with her. However, he declined and declared that he didn't gamble. Somehow, the conversation shifted to her sharing with him, unprovoked, that she would date him if she wasn't married. One, the dude obviously had no interest in her. Two, I hate it when women say this… this about the dumbest thing a woman can ever say to a guy for it usually followed with all sorts of stupid bullshit remarks and all the dumb clichéd comments that followed her asinine shit. Talking some bullshit about how adultery is a sin, and then discussing her husband, and all sorts of other dumb shit that nobody had any interest in whatsoever.
Why even bring it up? Some woman once told me, “I would totally fuck you, if I wasn't married.” That’s simply asking for a later regret. Furthermore, women can get away with saying those remarks more than a man. If I told some girl that I would totally be down with having sex with her if only it didn't interfere with my masturbating preference, I would definitely get punched in the face. Masturbation is far better than sex with another person these days. Nobody has ever gotten into too extreme of trouble from masturbating; most of the world took Pee Wee Herman's side when he was victimized by government oppression.
This driver gave, by far, the best speech before the ride. She wasn't the greatest of public speakers and it seemed that she was struggling with the announcement—which consisted of welcoming the passengers, restrooms are located in the back, please use handrails when walking to the bathroom, no loud music, no loud cell phone conversation, and no smoking. Everybody else referred to the bus as the bus—this lady referred to it as the coach. Following the no smoking and list of policies and regulations, the other bus drivers spoke of the state law, maximum fines, and concluded with it wasn't worth it—staying friendly to the paying customers. This bus driver took a slightly different approach when discussing the state law:
“And I have the right by law, to put you out of the coach, and leave you on the side of the road.”
I pictured this happening in my head and laughed about it for almost an hour… even while I had headphones on and I am sure the other passengers thought there must be something wrong with me. Glad I’m not sitting by him, they must have been thinking.
I spent the duration of the bus ride evaluating my goals in life, visualizing the perfect lifestyle in which everything would finally come together perfectly, reflecting back on all of the reasons why it wasn't. Starting over entirely would be nice.
Having to remain entrenched in reality though, all of the past failures may have finally caught up with me and might be too difficult to overcome. They were definitely becoming too difficult to successfully manage on my own. A miracle would be required, or at least a new revelation. The fact that I have never possessed the ability to aggressively stake out my most suitable companionship, I envisioned a place in this world where everything would simply fall into place without any struggle. Furthermore, there would be no more ambiguous perceptions and the reaction to my presence would at least have moderate consistency. Whatever that consistency most commonly entailed, I would accept that as my true demeanor. For right now, that is a multiple choice question with 862,092 possible answers; being conducted by the type of professor who claims, “There are no wrong answers.” I guess I am just a douchy European woman who deals speed.
It suddenly occurred to me that maybe I do need a support group. Like everybody else, I have done nothing but complain about the ways in which people have been conditioned; like me, people just want to be accepted by somebody. Whether it be My Little Pony, drinking milk in the morning, being diagnosed with various symptoms, fixing fuel injectors, or whatever else people desire to talk to other individuals about; they are simply longing for friendship in this world. And, there is nothing wrong with that. At least all of these people are somebody’s best friend and they are tolerable to certain people for longer periods than two hours. I can no longer say that about either of those scenarios.
I had lost the right to call anybody a douche; I had become the world’s biggest douche and an insurmountable amount of problems was my punishment for being a nuisance to the entire world. Should I resolve my own personality crisis in a manner in which is more agreeable to rest of society; then the rest of the problems might mysteriously resolve themselves. This is going to require a great deal of soul searching, and eventually killing off the identity I thought I had claimed was my natural one and becoming something completely different altogether.
There are reasons why the last seats occupied in places are the ones next to me. There have been numerous occasions when I have sat down at a bar and whoever was seated next me immediately became uncomfortable and quickly got up and left. There are reasons for all of this and it has to be a sign of something.
These conditions become a major paradox when coupled with the fact that people constantly smash into me when I am walking past them. People frequently crash into me with their carts at the store. People purposely stand in my vicinity just to simply get in the way and prevent from doing whatever I wished to accomplish. My timing has been off my entire life and I sometimes feel as if these other people running into me are being controlled from up above to only be an obstacle in order to prevent me from being in the right place at the right time. That I am constantly supposed to remain off course and never to accomplish anything unabated because it could alter the entire universe.
As a result of all this, I flinch and display extreme nervous reactions when people barge in front of me. If I never did this, I would suffer from thousands of collisions daily. Some say I am overly dramatic, but it is merely how I have been conditioned.
I will constantly do unnecessary seemingly meaningless things just to disrupt the course of the pattern. Unless of course, all of these obstacles that are being placed ahead of me in deterrence are a warning sign and a Universal attempt to guide me into the right direction. It is all very confusing and it is difficult to tell which is which.
Index: Chapter List
Chapter 42 Soundtrack Listing:
1. Einstuerzende Neubauten
"Halber Mensch" 4:12
"The Light, The Sound" 3:41
3. The Boys
"First Time" 2:22
4. The Dancing Did
"Squashed Things" 3:48
And Did Those Feet
"Empty Ring" 3:03
6. Captain Beefheart
"Ashtray Heart" 3:25
Doc at the Radar Station
7. The Waterboys
"The Whole of the Moon" 5:01
This Is the Sea
8. Hubble Bubble
"I Wanna Die" 2:52
9. Philip Lynott
"Yellow Pearl" 4:06
Solo in Soho
10. Heartless Bastards
"Hold Your Head High" 5:05
"Marquee Moon" 10:40
All Sections Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal
Unwelcome Gorilla Image by: Naruto Manga from Word on Mars
Welcom image by: Another Time - Vintage Love