2013/02/19

Chapter 30: Coffee Shop Comparisons


CHRISTMAS VACATION: CONFESSIONS OF A CONFUSED DOUCHE


SECTION FOUR: ASHEVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA




Chapter XXX: Coffee Shop Comparison


The next stop was Izzy’s Coffee Den for some real coffee. Plus, I was still feeling under the weather and figured some hot beverages would do me some good.

In Milwaukee, the coffee shops are elegant and the bathrooms are intended to look quaint. Izzy’s offered a slightly different approach. The place was perfectly clean and their sanitary rating (which is posted in all establishments in Asheville) was exceptionally high. However, their bathroom featured a picture of Christopher Walken on the wall with a caption that read, “Christopher Walken is watching you pee.” Furthermore, there was all sorts of writing on the wall—good ones too, such as “Satan is the new Jesus” and an arrow pointing at the toilet that stated “Complimentary Hippy Bath.”

I’ve noticed that establishments with high standard creative writing written all over the bathrooms walls do exceptionally more business than those places with no such décor. On that note, I would recommend to all business owners that are struggling for business to simply encourage a team of witty people to come in and write all sorts of slogans on the bathroom wall—there’s your strategic development.

The music here was great—so good that I was kind of mad about it. I always feel worthless when I go some place, hear a great song playing, and I am not familiar with it. This makes me feel as if my whole life is completely ruined and I had wasted too much trying to give The Smiths another try when I could have been listening to this—which is much better. Furthermore, I feel as if my whole website is incomplete because I am now missing something; and should I find out who it is, I have to go back to whatever year it came out and redo everything; having to write an entirely new scene to squeeze into a story that I assumed was already finished.

On a side note, The Smiths are simply way too mainstream for me to consider favorably relevant. I’m no longer interested in any of their so-called accomplishments. If you feel I am wrong for making this assessment, then I strong recommend you check out Blurt, Tools You Can Trust, or This Heat before bothering me anymore about The Smiths. It’s strange how I’ve heard all of The Smiths’ albums yet people who claim “I don’t get it” have never even heard of the bands I listen to. I’m done with you people—that goes for you too, Radiohead fan. BTW- we’re still friends and I love you. Maybe later we can go make out behind a building somewhere.

Once again, the girl working looked familiar, but I could not place her name exactly or anything else about her. At the time, I thought she was hot—again Asheville hot, and the music she was playing only made her more attractive.

To explain Asheville hot: Anybody can go out and get tattoos or piercings in an attempt to appear punk or to toughen up your image. However, if you still have a douchy look on your face where it is obvious that you watch excessive commercialized television and listen to crap like Katy Perry, Nickelback, or Journey, then, well, that does not define Asheville hot—somewhat fuckable on a drunken bender Milwaukee Green Line white girl maybe. Asheville hot means nobody would dare ever ask what your favorite Lady Gaga song is, because, Lady Gaga is not weird—she is grocery store mainstream pop that people with a legitimate badass hot image have recognized a long time ago. Talking extensively about some shit like MGMT or The Arcade Fire would be pushing it; and you would running a huge risk of getting openly ridiculed for such a asinine statement such as “You know, I just don’t like mainstream music. The weirder the better. I’m like way into obscure bands that nobody has ever heard of, you know, like The Arcade Fire, Kings of Leon, Vampire Weekend.” In Milwaukee though, few people have ever even heard of those “obscure” bands.



I sat at a table researching things on my computer for a couple of hours. There were some issues that I needed to sort out, such as the bus schedule back to Milwaukee, familiarizing myself with the Asheville bus system, and a few other things. Once I was finished, I opted to sit a bar/counter so that others who needed the receptacle could use it—I am so polite!

Finally, the employee asked me, “your name’s Tony right?”

Yes, she did remember me… and I could place her somewhere.

She asked where I had been, told her Milwaukee, I moved there with that girl I was dating here. She remembered her too. Finally, I knew all about her—she used to date my friend Adam and me and Jen hung out with those two occasionally. Adam was now in Richmond, VA working as a tattoo artist—that meant both Adams were gone. I guess they broke up awhile ago—it’s hard to believe it had been probably three years since I’ve seen many of these people. Granted it had been 2.5 years since I left, but after I started dating Jen, I stopped going out as much, and lost contact with a lot of friends even while I was still living here.

Thinking back, I didn’t hang out with her and Adam as much as I should have. In fact, I didn’t hang out with a lot of people as much as I should have. I should have done more while I was here. Shit, I probably never should have even left. If I knew what was ultimately going to happen between Jen and I, I would have left her ass well alone. When I was here, I took it all for granted. It’s not until you leave and return to mainstream society that you realize what sort of place Asheville really is.

Another recurring theme in my life is the quote, “I should have stayed…”

The other, in all facets of life, I have never done as much as I should I have. This is the main issue that I need to focus my attention.

After drinking several cups of a new tea I had never tried, Kelly texted me an exact time to meet. I had to walk all the way back to the hotel, and walk all the way back. Bound and determined to regain Asheville walking shape, I walked faster up the steep inclines. I have my whole life to get old; unfortunately, I’m not too positive how much longer my whole life consists.

We met a pool hall that had recently opened—well, recently for me because it wasn’t here when I left. It was nice seeing Kelly again. She and I had never dated or none the such. The closest thing we had to shared intimacy happened one night at The New French Bar (which is no longer in existence either) when she and I both made out with the same girl. That same girl, named Toni, actually rubbed one off on my leg right there in the bar. Admittedly, that was bit weird even by my standards. I just stood there awkwardly and waited for her to finish. Luckily she wasn’t too noisy about it, she just clutched my shirt and made sort of a sexy face that she was trying to conceal. After she was finished, she simply went to the bathroom, and went back to making out with Kelly… and then me again.

Kelly caught me up on the latest developments in Asheville and we reminisced on some fond memories. This guy she once called her brother turned out to be a total loser. However, one of our most popular stories involved an incident in which he smoked some of that green tobacco with me once for driving him home.

Kelly had warned me not to smoke any of his green tobacco, and I blew her off informing her that I had all under control and could handle myself because I had smoked Marlboro Lights brown tobacco. After smoking this shit that she warned me about, the effects of this particular green tobacco made the 10 minute trip home take approximately 6 hours; many of those were spent in a parking lot at Ingle's assuming that Pooya the yellow Lima Llama was smiling in the backseat while the two of us conducted our affairs concerning various topics such the ingenuation of the purple pigmentation commonly found in the tusks of North Carolina walruses and the concept of rezikisterinization. The effects lasted the entire next day as well, even though we completely forgot what rezikisterinization even was. 

First, Kelly was going to show me the place where one of our mutual friends had opened. I had heard about this place, and he and I were decent friends for awhile, but again, not as much as we should have. Unfortunately, this place was closed for a private party. I suspected that it was the extravagant event with all the good drugs that was being discussed the previous night.

Back to Broadway’s we went. This time around, it was more like how I remembered it. Also, the previous bartender remembered me this time, and there was no awkwardness. Furthermore, I saw a lot of people I used to know and it was great seeing all these people again.

However, I didn’t spend much time with the people I knew. Instead, I made a whole bunch of new friends… that’s the beauty of Asheville.

In-between this, Kelly related her problematic roommate situation. One lady she lives with she loves, but the guy, she can’t stand. In fact, she hated this guy so much that she was contemplating moving out. Then, it was briefly discussed that we could get a place together should I decide to move back here.

Apparently Kelly and the daytime bartender at Broadway’s had a little clash recently, but it was all good now. It was so good, that the two of them made out briefly. However, he kept glancing over at me as if he were invading my territory or something.

Again, Kelly and I never dated. Furthermore, I was off talking to other people and not even paying them any attention. To top it off, I was hoping that the two would hook-up because that away if I did move back here, then he might be able to help me land a bartender job, which might include Broadway’s. Once he knew the whole situation between me and Kelly, he was much more comfortable. However, I worried that he still felt obligated to maintain a level of interest talking to me rather than hanging out with Kelly; I didn’t want to be a cock blocker—but at the same time, felt obligated to associate with them. Whatever, I am an expert at juggling multiple situations simultaneously—I was just making sure that I was never in a situation where I was going full retard.

We hung out until about 1:00 and she left with some other dude—she had a date that night that wasn’t supposed to include this bartender from Broadway’s. And, nothing happened with that either—poor Kelly.

I toyed with the notion of hanging out later and walking around town, but wasn’t sure where to go or if I could get anywhere decent in a short time. Then, I realized that I needed to save my money, so I just went back to the hotel. One good night of sleep would be a great idea because I was staying at Kelly’s house the next night. Furthermore, I recognized the cab driver (fucker still referred to me as the guy who worked at Shell.) I told him my situation, and he declared that I just needed to gather the rest of my belongings from Milwaukee and come on back to Asheville. It’s what everybody else does… you can’t leave this place.





Index: Chapter List

Chapter 30 Soundtrack Listing:


1. Old Time Relijun
"Archaeopteryx Claw" 3:09

Uterus and Fire
1999

2. Motorhead
"The Watcher" 4:29

Motorhead
1977

3. Reigning Sound
"Dressy" 2:54

Time Bomb High School
2002

4. Bailter Space
"Be On Time" 5:14

Robot World
1993

5. Tools You Can Trust
"Cut a New Seam" 2:23

Yet More Proof
1985

6. Die Goldenen Zitronen
"Mexico es EZLN" 3:34

Das bißchen Totschlag
1994

7. Fushitsusha
"Aredakeha" 5:09

Hikari to Nazukeyo
2012

8. And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead
"Relative Ways" 4:03

Source Tags & Codes
2002

9. Dome
"D-D-Bo" 3:52

34
1981

10. Swans
"Stay Here" 5:37

Filth
1983

All Sections Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal

Anarcho Communist image from: A Revolt.
©2013

Asheville Hot played by Joleigh of Suicide Girls; shared from name-list
The other by Jamie Barra Photo shared from Photobucket

1 comment:

  1. Are you paying more than $5 per pack of cigarettes? I'm buying my cigs over at Duty Free Depot and this saves me over 60% from cigs.

    ReplyDelete

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