2013/02/18

Chapter 29: Shitty Ass Places Such as The Mother Fucking Mall

CHRISTMAS VACATION: CONFESSIONS OF A CONFUSED DOUCHE


SECTION FOUR: ASHEVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA





Chapter XXIX: Shitty Ass Places Such as The Mother Fucking Mall


Asheville features two entirely different worlds separated by the tunnel on Tunnel road. From my hotel, the tunnel was in the northwest direction; once through the tunnel, Tunnel road becomes College Street and then runs in the Southwest direction leading to downtown… that’s where all the fun is. On the end of the tunnel containing the luxurious Super 8 Hotel and the fabulous gourmet restaurant that will soon feature a pin-up calendar titled "12 Months of Waffle House Bikini Waitresses," life in Asheville moderately resembles that of ordinary civilization. I prefer the downtown area, and when I lived there, the ordinary side of Tunnel Road was dead to me except for shopping and eating purposes; I was never even remotely cool enough to attract a Waffle Beauty. There is a mall in this area as well as an Ingle’s and a bunch of various other stores and restaurants including a dog grooming place where Jen repeatedly insisted I should try to land a job (admittedly, I looked at the sign to see if they were still hiring.)

I almost feel my own personal life has several Tunnel Roads with entirely different parallel universes separating each one. It’s as if I have been juggling a multitude of various lifestyles and a different path awaits with the passing through each tunnel. Maybe that is why nobody, not even myself, knows my true identity; this is why my image ranges from partial retard to full retard.

It was a much better day in Asheville, and it did look significantly more appealing in the daylight. Kelly had suggested that we meet later that night. That left the daytime open to run all of the necessary errands in ordinary life Asheville. I opted to book the hotel room for another night and needed to brave Wal Mart to buy a charger for my computer and few other necessities. I was not particularly thrilled about having to shell out another $57 for the hotel, nor was I pleased about the fact that laptop chargers cost $50. An idea came to me for a store where travelers could rent various chargers without having to buy one. The targeted market would be anybody who had forgotten theirs and could rent the chord for $3 a day. Since this brilliant store does not exist, I bought a God damn shitty ass $54 mother fucking charger with the intentions that I would return it for a refund just before leaving.

Upon further review, Milwaukee is not such a bad place. It is nice living right next door to City Market and everything I need is in comfortable walking distance. They also have a decent public transit system and my community (Shorewood) has perfect sidewalks and benches and trash cans on every corner. Unfortunately, the things that I want are not always available.

From the hotel, I had to walk up a steep hill in order to wait for the Asheville bus which only ran every hour. Plus, I was unsure of where exactly the bus stopped; couple that with the fact that I still did not recollect every direction in Asheville. As should be expected, I accidentally got off the bus in the most inconvenient location to reach Wal Mart.

Upon further review, the “normal” part of Asheville is not such a bad place either. Granted I had to walk nearly a mile from the accidental deployment to reach Wal Mart, in a part of the town that didn’t have sidewalks or even a proper side of the road, the scenery was beautiful. I had never paid much attention to the beauty of the Swannanoa River, but it made the walk much more pleasant as I tried to make the best of it.

Swannanoa River- just in front of God Damn Shitty Ass Mother Fucking Wal Mart


Upon further review, going full retard isn't so bad. 

After I purchased all the stupid ass shit that I needed, I was displeased because all of this shit would be essentially useless when I returned home, (shit like fingernail clippers and the God damn shitty ass mother fucking $54 AC adapter) I still had some time to kill and was suffering from the advanced stages of coffee withdrawal. Of all places to go in Asheville, I found myself at the God damn shitty ass mother fucking mall. It is a fairly nice mall though, and at least they have a God damn shitty ass mother fucking Starbuck’s that gleefully accepted my gift card.

This wasn't a bad place to be actually, for I had spent a lot of time cramped up in isolated houses in obscure parts of the world. I was happy to just chill out and do some people watching even though I had to cope with the fact that I was currently in independent minded Asheville and had just returned from God damn shitty ass mother fucking Wal Mart and was now at the God damn shitty ass mother fucking mall, drinking God damn shitty ass mother fucking Starbuck’s. What kind of a God damn shitty ass mother fucking life was I leading?

I decided that today was not going to be the day I would make good on my New Year’s Resolution to stop talking to myself, which was currently up in the air anyway as I was becoming more determined to simply be myself rather than trying to act normal. Plus, everybody else was doing it, so my ass was just blending in with the mother fucking scenery up in this mother fucker. Since it had been 2.5 years since I had been here, people were looking vaguely familiar to me. Some of these God damn mother fucking shitty ass sons of bitches resembled some stupid ass mother fuckers from other God damn shitty ass places I had just visited.

As I previously stated, way back in the first fucking chapter—a long ass mother fucking time ago, I narrate my mother fucking life. On that note, Last Playboy in Town by Bluebottle Kiss song was becoming more prominent due to the line: “How you remind me of a girl, that I once met…”

Another good song to narrate life while people-watching is Street Hassle by Lou Reed.

That’s what I do: I listen to this shit, I watch a bunch of mother fuckers do other crazy shit, and I talk about it out loud as if I am some sort of a mother fucking expert on anything. I do not even hear what is going on because I wear headphones; I simply make up the conversation as I feel it should be… which is generally far more interesting than half the lame ass stupid ass mother fucking shit these other filthy ass cock suckers talk about on a regular basis.

In the two years that I lived here, I met maybe 5 mother fuckers who were actually born and raised in Asheville; and maybe 5 more sons of bitches who were born and raised in God damn North Carolina. Mother fuckers come here from all over the God damn place. I sat there, in the fucking shitty ass mall, watching these fucking pricks, and I tried to determine where the fuck they came from. There were only a few possible choices, and therefore compared them to other damn asses from the other shitty ass places in which I had been on this trip. All of the ugly people were considered Survivors of The Great Flood as I placed them in Eastgate, there were a few white girls from the shit licking mother fucking damn ass fucking ball licking Green Line Bus Route in Milwaukee, and a few that could only be Asheville.

One woman walked by and stumbled over something and fell. First, I thought she was going to regain her balance and keep walking. Nope, down she went—her ass dropped as if some mother fucker with a bow and arrow shot her in the fucking ass. Next, I thought she would pick herself up off the floor, flash that big beautiful smile she was concealing with obviously phony grimaces of pain, and joke with the other people seated in the section about how she just busted her ass at the God damn shitty ass mother fucking mall.

However, she did not get up, and shit got serious real fucking fast.

The poor helpless woman lied face down on the floor grimacing. Seeing a person down on the ground, no matter who they are, completely alters everything. This becomes a potentially emergency situation and immediately supersedes everything. All other thought processes are completely disbanded as a sense of urgency takes precedent. The #1 priority is to know if she is safe, unharmed, or needs further assistance.

I didn't even think to secure my belongings and nearly spilled my coffee as I rushed over to her assistance. It took an immense effort to help her to her feet for she grabbed both of my hands and I had to physically pull her. She had a bad hip, but she was fairly young and didn't appear to be in bad condition. Once she was upright, everything appeared normal, and there were so signs that I needed to call for an ambulance. It took a brief moment of comforting to assure she was fine, and I offered sympathy, coaxing, kindness, and anything that she could have possibly needed.

Luckily, her bitch ass was perfectly fine. She said that she worked at one of the stores, and some other honkey ass mother fucking white bitch walked her to wherever the fuck it was the bitch worked. It scared the shit out of me! There is nothing more discomforting than seeing some white bitch face down on the mother fucking floor. The bitch should've been in my Super 8 bed, face down in the muff of Pam, the grizzly ass old mother fucking 3 pack a day smoking hoe bag Waffle House Waitress. I absolutely love having sex with honkeys, especially ones with bad hips.


Index: Chapter List

Chapter 29 Soundtrack Listing:


1. Manfred Mann's Earth Band
"Blinded by the Light" 7:08

The Roaring Silence
1976

2. Bluebottle Kiss
"Last Playboy In Town" 3:14

Come Across
2004

3. Lou Reed
"Street Hassle" 10:53

Street Hassle
1978

4. YACHT
"Psychic City" 5:09

See Mystery Lights
2009

5. The Godz
"Criminal Mind (Rock and Roll Heart)" 4:25

Mongolians
1987

6. Van Halen
"Secrets" 3:26

Diver Down
1982

7. Lambchop
"Up With People" 5:59

Nixon
2000

8. Teenage Fanclub & De La Soul
"Fallin'" 4:28

Judgment Night
1993

9. Queen & David Bowie
"Under Pressure" 4:04

Hot Space
1981

10. Section 25
"Inspiration" 8:16

From The Hip
1984

All Sections Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal

Swannanoa River image from: Meandering With Bev
Starring Katie Fogarty as The Bitch Who Busted Her Ass at the Mother Fucking Mall. From: Ironing Board Collective
©2013

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