CHRISTMAS VACATION: CONFESSIONS OF A CONFUSED DOUCHE
SECTION FOUR: ASHEVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA
Chapter XXVIII: The Asheville Flea Bombing Incident
I also knew the one guy seated with the two women at Hannah Flannigan’s, but he denied it. His name I do not recall, but he was forever known to me as “The Flea Spray Guy.” This dude was a complete flake, and not in a good way. He once asked me to tell Jen to apply at his work because all of his co-workers were guys; and that “he wouldn't mind being able to check out that ass while at work because the guys he worked with was not appealing to the eye.” After several descriptions of the men he works with, all freaks like him, he concluded with, “She does have a nice ass.”
“Oh, Jen, that’s my girlfriend.” He was weird.
For a brief while, Jen and her nice ass were living at this house that was infested fleas. The dog was adorable, but the roommates were a bit odd. Plus, we felt sorry for the dog, Casper, because he had fleas so miserably and she wasn't doing anything to remedy the ailment. During this period, I heard Jen discussing fleas so frequently, that I can still hear her saying it in my head (the way she said fleas was cute). I suggested typical alternatives, such as flea dipping, and then bombing the house for fleas. This guy warned us of the dangers of bombing the house with flea spray.
First, it has to be known that while Asheville is a cool ass place (even was rated the coolest town east of the Mississippi by, of all sources, ESPN) there are a lot of fucking weirdoes here. And I mean, fucking weird. This goes beyond the “if you’re too weird for Asheville, then you’re too weird” slogan the city has adopted. There are people here who I do not feel should even be loose on the streets. When I first moved here, I asked a friend (the same friend I was hoping to see working at Hannah Flannigan’s) if Asheville had an insane asylum. Everybody laughed loudly at that statement.
Supposedly, in surrounding areas such as Raleigh, Charlotte, and Winston-Salem, if the mental institutions become over crowded, they take busloads of mentally unstable people and simply drop them off in Asheville. This is but a conspiracy theory with no factual evidence to back it. But, let’s just say that I never saw anything that would lead me to doubt it. There are some downright fucking loonies walking the streets of downtown Asheville.
Anyhow, this person claimed that he bombed his house with flea spray and it made him sick and all of his cat’s hair fell out. Apparently, this fucking dipshit not only neglected to take the appropriate means to protect various household items from the flea spray, (such as covering dishes and food containers) this fucker didn't even leave the house… and kept the cats in there too.
As a result, I pictured him sitting around his kitchen eating cereal out of a bowl that was contaminated with flea spray layered with a rainbow film glistening atop the milk. Afterwards, I figured he gradually polluted a good portion of the city by soliciting free drinks for his friends to enjoy out of the glasses he assumed was clean. The freaks roaming the streets were not from Raleigh’s overcrowded asylum, but the result of eating and drinking from dishes that had been contaminated during the flea spray bombing. Furthermore, I pictured an infestation of infected creatures emerging from the creeks with blood gushing from their mouths.
|Friends from the neighborhood after drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon from a glass that wasn't properly concealed during the flea bombing incident.|
Index: Chapter List
Chapter 28 Soundtrack Listing:
1. The Big Pink
"Crystal Visions" 3:55
A Brief History of Love
"Graveyard Chamber" 4:56
6 Feet Deep
"Hollow Gut" 3:58
4. Cat's Eyes
"Sooner Or Later" 3:59
5. Howling Hex
"Pair Back Up Mass With" 3:57
"Black Sand" 3:14
In Cod We Trust
7. The Residents
8. Renaldo and the Loaf
"Scottish Shuffle" 3:48
Renaldo and the Loaf Play Struve' and Sneff
9. CCCP Fedeli alla linea
"Emilia Paranoica (Remiscelata)" 7:46
1964-1985 Affinità-divergenze fra il compagno Togliatti e noi (Del conseguimento della maggiore età)
All Sections Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal
28 Days Later reference written by Alex Garland; Directed by Danny Boyle; image from: Wikia.