CHRISTMAS VACATION: CONFESSIONS OF A CONFUSED DOUCHE
SECTION THREE: NEW CASTLE, IN
Chapter XXII: Delusional Disorders Fabricated By Unreliable Narrators
The problem is: I challenge the validity of both Asperger’s Autism and Gluten allergies. Both of them have come to play prominent roles in my family. Maybe this should be a sign of evidence that these things are real; instead, I choose to disagree with the current widespread of these epidemics.
I define many cases of Asperger’s Autism as a disorder caused by parents who do not teach their kids manners, common courtesy, or discipline. As a result, the afflicted child will become resistant to the necessary inconveniences that all persons must adhere in order to obtain knowledge, integrity, and become a contributor to the benefit of society.
Once upon a time, some girl suggested that I had a form of Asperger’s. However, that exact same dumb bimbo later told another friend that it was permissible to allow children to beat other children with baseball bats (this was a result of her own child behaving poorly at a gathering and none of the other kids liked her kid; the whole family apparently complained about her.)
That’s the problem with the world and capitalism; prestigious degrees and prominent positions can be purchased by conformist parents. We have douchy bros and dumb white girl bimbos who now have doctor positions; my mom’s friend was but a dumb girl in the dating circuit and she is a prosecuting attorney in a major city. In fact, I never would have suspected that the aforementioned bimbo was a therapist—I had seen her out at a show and she was a friend of a friend. She had that typical stupid looking bimbo face and I was actually trying to be somewhat normal around her because I sensed that she didn’t have much going on in the intellectual department. Of course, that may have been the problem because whenever I attempt to be normal I end up appearing full-retard. But, I was acting in my natural persona around my friends.
The bottom line is: stupid bimbos who hold prominent positions as a result of a purchased degree are uncertain how to handle anything outside of normal conventions. Their parents paid for their degree, and their douchy looking faces portray a lack of exposure to anything out of the ordinary. Rather than obtain knowledge from personal experience, they resort to theories concocted by unreliable narrators and assume those who had written the $350 text books are positively accurate in every regard. Yet, they did not even study the $350 text book conclusively and sold the book back at the end of the course. Yet, they had heard in their seminars that successful individuals should strive to be different.
Most often, it is their own children who suffer from Asperger’s Autism, as I have defined it. Furthermore, due to the fact that it is a memorable term for sounding similar to Ass Burger, the purchased psychologists can effectively state that they are able to diagnose all kids with behavioral problems; and these little mother fuckers should be accepted like My Little Pony Fans.
However, when the bimbo psychologist is completely perplexed with a case of creative brilliance not documented in the $350 text book, because she had never been exposed to anything outside of the ordinary, because all she knows is what she learned from the $350 text book or her parent’s lecturing, she feels there has to be something wrong with this person; and a diagnosis must be made. Instead, it is she who is diagnosed… with a simple case of being a mediocre mind… but her parents (and only her parents) convinced her that she was brilliant. And that is also a mental disorder, but the opposite extreme of Aspberger’s Autism.
These assessments of Asperger’s and Gluten Allergies are more for a convenient factor diagnosed by those who probably should not hold their position. Fortunately for me, I was able to discredit the source; unfortunately, many people do not have this ability. Or, they are hoping to be diagnosed with something/anything as a means to either gain sympathy or to surrender from having to deal with ordinary life. And, I think both cases could be applied to my family’s “disorders.”
My mother, with her gluten free diet, complained that the ailment “hurt” after she ate just a small piece of bread. I had told her that there was no such thing as a Gluten allergy, and she continued to insist that it was true. She claimed that she felt bad one day after eating the breading on a piece of KFC chicken. No, it was the lousy poor quality chicken that probably made you feel bad, you shouldn’t be eating that crap anyway. It was after that, and after she ate a small portion of a bun, when she declared that “it hurts.” The way she said that made it sound like actual pain, as if being injured physically with massive open wounds, and not just the discomfort commonly associated with, say, heartburn.
With Zach having Asperger's, he was no longer required to participate at school. If he did poorly, or just didn’t want to go, he now had an excuse. However, playing those video games, he showed no symptoms of having any disorder other than a video game addiction.
But, should a therapist actually possess substantial knowledge on cases in which the subject is potentially capable of thinking outside the conventions set by society, they may not be so quick to diagnose the person with any disease whatsoever, let alone the only one they memorized from watching the hit movie Ass.
Assume that Zach had not been diagnosed with any disorder; assume that the therapist conducting the session had the balls to confront the issue and wasn’t merely seeking the type of lucrative paycheck that would make mommy and daddy proud; assume that this therapist was capable of writing his/her own textbook… one that could revolutionize the entire industry. When factoring in all of these components, the ailment is completely curable. The only obstacle facing the final solution is the courage to face it and the ability derive solutions from an uncharacteristic source (typical sources are all unreliable narrators.)
I was not allowed to act like Zach. If I ever acted like Zach, people would complain as if they had suffered a terrible tragedy and I was the one responsible for the trauma. In fact, people complained about me for any possible trivial thing that they could—albeit relatives, teachers, administrators, store managers, the police, or random old mother fuckers from the neighborhood. They were never shushed or requested to be sympathetic because I had some sort of disorder. Instead, I was required to dwindle to level of the complainer, no matter how brainless, and illuminate immense appeal to those who truly mattered: bitter elderly spinsters with zero ability to equivocate anything innovative. We represented one extreme to the other: Somebody born different they tried to make normal; somebody born normal they tried to make different.
For numerous reasons, I do not allow myself to be diagnosed with any disorders. You know why I’m single? Because I’m fucking ugly, that’s why. And you know what? I don’t give a fuck. I’m not going to sit here and claim that I have some sort of medical condition that prevents from looking handsome. I do a lot of stupid shit too, and make a ton of bad decisions. Why? Because I’m a fucking full-retard, that’s why. I don’t have a condition that makes me behave the way I do. Everybody does stupid shit; at least everybody with enough balls to try something different.
The difference with me and Zach might be the fact that I wasn’t allowed to have any problems. I wasn’t allowed to show any symptoms of ailment ever, and therefore I never did. To this day, I do not confess any ailments plaguing me. When I’m sick, I still go to work. The only condition that I do have is a mild case of epilepsy and I didn’t even allow that to be too much of an inconvenience. I figured out the remedies on my own and controlled it… and this was at age 8. It was a result of my eyes being overly sensitive to light; so I countered that by wearing huge dark sunglasses to conceal my entire eyes… I turned a negative into a positive and can proudly claim that I have been setting new trends in sunglasses styles since I was a child.
Furthermore, this mild dilemma allowed me to emphasize my analysis of the greatest problem on Earth: a disorder called Stupid Mother Fuckers Cannot Understand Anything Outside Normal Conventions Syndrome. These people are the dumbest mother fuckers on Earth in my opinion, and my tolerance for them is decreasing.
As a result of having eyes extremely sensitive to bright light, I still have periodic dizzy spells. When this happens, all I have to do is shield my eyes, and sometimes sit in a dark room or wear sunglasses inside a building. Never have I tried to seek sympathy for this and rarely even speak about it—I’ve even lied about it claiming that I simply had something in my eye. During times of intense dizzy spells, I would rather be left alone. However, people rarely offer sympathy of even ask if I am OK. Instead, they act like complete imbeciles and constantly inquire why I am wearing sunglasses inside a building—as if their lives are so dull and ordinary that seeing anything out of the regular convention addles their minuscule little minds so severely that they cannot even function. Just mind your own fucking business, especially if you are unable to understand it… I have no motive to explain anything to you.
Aside from the seizures I had as a child, and the one isolated incident I had as a teenager, most of the time this goes undetected. Occasionally when the dizzy spells become too intense, I might mention that I am having a dizzy spell, but for the most part, I don’t even tell anybody and suffer in silence until it goes away. The one time when it was an inconvenience to others ended up being something we laughed about for the rest of the day. It was at the Pitchfork Festival, and walking through a crowd from the front to the back, I did not shield myself appropriately from the constant flickering of sunlight that occurs when passing through a large crowd of people. The sun was blaring down, and it was so bad that I was beginning to fade in and out. I simply told my friend that I would be right back, but ended up having to walk all the way down to chill out tent and sit in the dark for several minutes, while guzzling down a couple Vitamin Waters and a free ice cream thing they were giving away (during this extreme dizzy process, the body dehydrates rapidly and the blood sugar lowers). This was one of the more severe spells that seemed to take forever to go away—and it hadn’t completely diminished, but I felt I needed to return to my friends.
They were waiting for me where Ohnohtrix Point Never was playing on the back stage. Luckily, I made it back just in time for my favorite song, Sleep Dealer, which is pretty much the only song I really like by them, although I love that song. I returned as if nothing was wrong with me and even announced that I got back just in time to see my favorite song. My friends had no idea where I was and claimed that this set absolutely sucked… they were a perturbed actually.
For the rest of the day, they joked that I had a knack for ditching everybody during crappy sets until the song came on that I wanted to hear. Maybe I needed a support group? Instead, I simply didn’t want anybody worrying about my health because I knew I would be fine eventually. The jokes didn’t bother me and I felt bad for them; because of me they had to sit through a band they didn’t like when they could have been doing something else… that’s why I rarely discuss my ailments or my problems for that matter… I hate being the one responsible for dampening a good moment. Again: friends were there for me; friends gave me the most shit... New Equation: MS + AT = BFF.
Index: Chapter List
Chapter 22 Soundtrack Listing:
"Origin Song" 3:10
2. They Shoot Horses, Don't They?
Boo Hoo Hoo Boo
3. Animal Collective
"The Purple Bottle" 6:48
4. Television Personalities
"All the Young Children on Crack" 3:13
My Dark Places
"Leisurely Waiting" 3:59
7. The Books
"The Lemon of Pink" 4:40
The Lemon of Pink
8. Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark
"ABC Auto-Industry" 2:06
9. Harry Nilsson
"Me and My Arrow" 2:06
10. The Residents
"Seasoned Greetings" 5:07
Meet The Residents
"Grudge Hill" 3:34
12. Blind Melon
13. The Beach Boys
"Heroes and Villains" 3:46
14. Matt Pond PA
"Grave's Disease" 4:24
15. Pere Ubu
"Final Solution" 5:00
16. Oneohtrix Point Never
"Sleep Dealer" 3:10
All Sections Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal
Mediocre minds quote by Albert Einstein
"Ass" reference from Idiocracy; written by Mike Judge