CHRISTMAS VACATION: CONFESSIONS OF A CONFUSED DOUCHE
SECTION THREE: NEW CASTLE, IN
Chapter XX: Bronies
While sitting at the table conversing, Ella and I once again became the center of attention—this had been a recurring theme. This time, we created a game where we took turns spinning each other around in the chair with our eyes closed, and then upon stopping, we had guess which direction we were facing. She guessed it right most of the time, while I was wrong a majority of the time. To my defense though, she spun me around much faster than I spun her.
During one of the trips in which I was seated in the back with Ella, she and I passed the time by doing activities in her My Little Pony coloring book. For whatever reason, I took notice that the creators had made a deliberate attempt to add a degree of sex appeal to the ponies. Each of them had these eyes with the sort of look that guys commonly find attractive in women—sex eyes so to say. Furthermore, they are all decorated with “cutie marks” to signify that these ponies desire to be considered hot and have all the same mannerisms to express this.
Mysteriously, Zach is now an avid fan of My Little Pony. This was not the direction that I was hoping. I was hoping for a bit of maturity and perhaps something of interest in which we would have in common. After all, he could potentially develop some bizarre theories on something, and that could give us something to talk about in a decent conversation. Instead, I am longing for the day when his hobbies do not feature a single digit age group listed on the box (Ages 4+).
I would also like to add that I have no problem with people participating in items designed for children; so long as they have at least matured first. If an adult enjoys toys or children’s shows, then I expect that the adult will also at least moderately understand adult related material. If you still have not progressed to adulthood at the time when symptoms should be present, the tolerance for immaturity decreases.
Furthermore, I have no problem whatsoever if boys play with items designed for girls.
Supposedly, there are a lot of these people, mother fucking boys and men who watch My Little Pony, and they refer to themselves as “bronies.” They also have a hand gesture called “bro-hoof” which is similar to a high five. The word bronie immediately irritated me, as did both the terminology and the gesture of bro-hoof.
I was unsure if she was telling the truth about this so-called movement so I did some extensive research on the topic. She was indeed correct about the amount of people who belonged to this organization, but, that did not justify its existence.
After looking up the term and reading various definitions for it on sites such as Urban Dictionary, I straddled the fence a bit. I refused to be one of the people who referred to these fans as “queers” or any type of ruthlessly derogatory implication. In fact, those people irritated worse than the actual bronies.
However, some of the fan sites did have comments such as this:
However, some of the fan sites did have comments such as this:
“Don't forget that I'm having a Season Finale party on the 21st! There will be pizza and soda and cupcakes! Isn't this exciting? Are you excited, 'cause I'm excited, I've never been so excited- well, except for the time that I started this meetup and met everypony awesome and I went *GASP* but I mean really, who can top that?”
A lot of people were suggesting things such as: “I thought My Little Pony was a just a show for little girls, but then I watched it, and it’s so good.” Many had even stated that the show was not targeted for little girls. There were a lot of comments suggesting that you can’t be a judge of anything until you watch the show.
So, I watched the show.
The cartoon was, in my opinion, absolutely lame. It’s a TV show, so obviously I am not going to like it. Furthermore, it is rehashing an old idea and therefore lacks originality. To set the record straight, the show IS for little girls. However, that doesn’t mean that boys or men can’t enjoy it.
Gradually, I became even more irate with this whole “bronie” movement and the whole concept annoyed the hell out of me. First of all, obsessing over any TV show is lame; Trekkies were lame and this group is even lamer.
Many of them claimed the show was about friendship and acceptance and that was the whole premise behind the movement. As for that, I have no problem whatsoever.
My problem lies with people’s inability to admit enjoying it for what it really is; it’s as if they need a support group for self-therapy to confess they have a guilty pleasure. Me personally, I like Dancing Queen by Abba. Although my preferred style of music is experimental/psychedelic/noise/punk, there are some guilty pleasures that I frequently enjoy listening to. However, I do not need anyone’s approval of this, nor will I aggressively stake out other people who also like Lost in Love by Air Supply and try to form some sort of allegiance; like “Hey, we love Come Sail Away by Styx, you have to accept us!” I’m not going to imply that Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O’Connor is a punk song and that anyone who disagrees obviously has never listened to the song. (Side note: I openly expressed my resentment when Abba was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.)
In fact, I expect people to give me shit for liking these songs. In response to a friend giving me grief for liking a song, I recently posted a video online where I ironically implied that this was a song that truly defined me as a person (indicating that it was hardcore punk):
While most people found the video amusing, a couple of my dearest friends commented that they were now traumatized, had barfed, and wished they could un-see that. I didn’t cry, pout, or state that they had to accept me for liking this song… nope, not me, because I know the meaning of true friendship and how we’re supposed to occasionally annoy the shit out of each other. Truth of the matter is, your dearest friends, the ones who will always be there for you, will probably be the same people who instill the most ridicule. Being as one of the aforementioned commentor was the same friend who stated that I had free Meat Loaf posters that I was giving away, I countered with this (and implied “good luck ever unseeing this.”)
Do I need a support group? Fuck no!
The bronie terminology severely annoyed me. The term “bro” is generally affiliated with douchebags and the stupidest of males on the planet Earth. If anybody would detest the notion of somebody watching My Little Pony, it would be a bunch of bros.
My biggest concern was why do they have to add a male title to express their infatuation with a girl’s show? Why do they have to act like it is such a bad thing for women to have creativity? You don’t see females acting bothered if they like SpongeBob Squarepants. In the punk world, it is perfectly fine to be fans of The Sex Pistols, The Clash, Patti Smith, The Slits, and The Rezillos. You don’t see any punks referring to themselves as Bro-Slits fans or attempting to degrade the fact that women have equal talent as men. Why can’t these “bros” be like, “My favorite cartoons are Family Guy, Bugs Bunny, My Little Pony, and Robot Chicken?”
The whole movement is channeled by their own fear that they will not be accepted by their douchy peers if they happen to like a cartoon for little girls. Therefore, they have to douch-ize the show itself in order win approval from the douchiest people on Earth—the same lame idiots that the punks have dismissed as irrelevant decades ago.
However, I also think a significant part of the attraction is sexual lust. Several of these guys are neither homosexual nor feminine. As I stated before, the ponies are drawn with a degree of sex appeal and if a guy’s most ideal feature that he seeks in a woman is eyes, than more than likely he will have some degree of sexual attraction to the ponies in My Little Pony—suddenly my foot fetish doesn’t seem so bad after all, does it? At least I am not going home and jacking off to My Little Pony coloring books. On that note, they do have entire porn sites dedicated to cartoons, and when I was researching my Disney Princess Real Life Sex Dolls Christmas story, people were encouraging me to actually make them and eagerly stated they would help fund the whole project.
I counter with; I think the term “bro-hoof” is incredibly lame, so you deal with that.
Or the person that enters and feels he has to declare his fondness for something relatively outside the norm: (unprovoked) “I like My Little Pony! And I don’t want to hear anything about it.”
Mother fucker, shut the hell up. Nobody has to accept shit. In fact, you need to accept the fact that friends are going to joke with you about some of the shit you like because that’s what friends do. We all have some sort guilty pleasure and everybody likes something his/her friends consider genuinely stupid. Furthermore, everybody has some sort of weird sexual fantasy—whether it be a foot fetish, bondage, or masturbating to My Little Pony coloring books—everybody, even the Priest at the local church. You are nothing special and you do not need a fucking support group. If anybody needs to accept the fact that you are a diehard fan of a cartoon for little girls, it’s you. Just embrace it, tell everybody that you feel shows for little girls have just as much creativity as anything else, but don’t try to Bro-ize the artistic work of a woman. Lastly, if you are gay, feminine, like to wear women’s clothes, like to doll your eyes like Pinkie Pie, and enjoy sucking a nice huge cock every now and then, that is perfectly fine too.
Index: Chapter List
Chapter 20 Soundtrack Listing:1. The Raincoats
"No One's Little Girl" 4:30
"The Escape Artist" 6:34
3. 4 Non Blondes
"What's Up?" 4:55
Bigger, Better, Faster, More?
4. Patti Smith
5. The Slits
"Liebe And Romanze" 4:44
6. The Beckies
"Song Called Love" 3:12
7. Frank Mills
"Music Box Dancer" 3:12
Music Box Dancer
8. Dolly Parton
"I Will Always Love You" 2:56
"Dancing Queen" 3:51
10. The Beatles
"I Dig a Pony" 3:55
Let It Be
"Celebrate The Body Electric (It Came From An Angel)" 7:00
Ice Cream Spiritual
"The Last Trumpeter Swan" 8:11
13. Fuck Buttons
All Sections Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal
My Little Pony invented by Bonnie Zacherie; image from TV Listings
Bronie image from: Papermag