CHRISTMAS VACATION: CONFESSIONS OF A CONFUSED DOUCHE
SECTION TWO: CINCINNATI, OHIO
Chapter XIII: CD/TS
There are things that are probably better unknown. I have a tendency to think about a lot of unusual things, and it is mostly a study of human behavior. In actuality, I would never do any of these things. But, taboo subject matters are a topic of great interest to me and I have conducted comprehensive studies pertaining to a variety of potentially disturbing situations while thoroughly analyzing the ambiguous ethics from every possible angle. I have also discovered that all people share at least a moderate interest in heteromorphic sexual behavior; most books that accentuate bizarre sexual sequences become relatively popular. As a result, I have become curious as to what actions are commonly acceptable and which ones cross the boundaries.
(Side note: Anything that is not consensual is automatically disqualified and not even considered. In fact, forcing a person to do anything against his/her will, regardless of the nature, is automatically considered unethical. My Commandment #1 is to never achieve happiness at the expense of others; meaning: do not force any person to partake in any undesirable circumstance in order to generate self-gratification. This ranges from rape to theft to sharing laughs by openly making fun of another human being or his/her beliefs. Happiness shall not be achieved if the joy inflicts despair on another; all rules have exceptions and retaliation against an oppressor is an automatic exception to most violations.)
Christmas Day was a relaxing day with nothing on the agenda; as was the day after. For a brief moment in a momentarily bizarre cycle of the discourse of The Universe, life appeared relatively normal. The planetary alignment once again shifted inordinately, and I received an e-mail from a Cincinnati telephone number. I assumed it was an old friend who had my e-mail address but did not have my new phone number (which has changed quite a bit over the years). It simply said, “Hey, what’s up?” And I responded by texting, “nothing much, who is this?”
It ended up being somebody from Craigslist that I had sent an ironic response. This person ended up being a ts/cd and was interested in hooking up with me. For the uninitiated, ts/cd stands for trans-sexual/cross-dresser. I have nothing wrong with this and actually find some of them moderately attractive. However, I was curious which response and which photo the person was inquiring about. He/she kept saying how cute I looked and wanted to arrange a time to meet. If only I knew for certain which photograph he/she was referencing, I would know the definition of cute.
I moderately suspected this response that I sent:
Shit! I'm so skilled, and so hot, I have every single film producer in the adult entertainment trying to sign me. If you think knock me down a notch-- good luck! Otherwise, you getting the best you ever had!!!! All mother fucking night,. And I know how to treat to lady. I'll be over with a 12 pack of Pabst, and satisfy your every need, with every part of my body in every single orifice in your body until you just be splashing cum all over my face and all over my huge manly rock hard cock! Sound good. Call me!!!!! I'm sitting here on my phone right now waiting on your call.
At first, I thought it was somebody joking with me having discovered that my response was insincere… after all, this would be my fault for I should not have responded to cheesy Casual Encounters in the first place. But, this person seemed legit and also seemed like a nice person.
My first instinct was to arrange a date and lead this person to my friend Brian’s house. I owed this mother fucking asshole payback for posting an ad on Craigslist stating that claimed I had vintage posters of Meat Loaf and Dokken that I was giving away for free (fucker even put my phone number on the ad and an enormous amount of people called and texted me…it just happened to be right at the moment I put my car up for sale on Craigslist). However, this person seemed kind and if he/she were real, I didn’t want to subject him/her to any poor humor.
My next instinct was to invite him over to my mom’s house and see how well that would go over introducing a drag queen to my family. I once wrote a story called Homeless Hamlet that began almost this exact same way. I actually pondered going out and meeting this person; hell, it couldn’t be any worse than delving into erotic fantasies with my step-sister.
It was more than likely solely because I had not been out as frequently as normal, but I did find myself somewhat sexually attracted to Bill’s youngest daughter. Although I would never pursue such a thing, I did have to question whether or not it would be considered taboo if we ever had sex. Also for this scenario, we had to discount the notion that she was married; that is something off limits to me. I recently had sex with a married woman who was in town on a business trip, and I felt horrible about the whole affair. A monumental guilty conscience ensued, and I could barely live myself for those actions. In fact, I haven’t had sex since.
Putting that aspect aside, when investigating the morality of physical attraction to those considered relatives strictly due to a post-heritage marriage between extraneous members of society, there is a lot to consider. Eventually, I deemed that this is perfectly acceptable. For some reason, I have never considered us related, although she might be considered my step-sister. There is no blood relation, so I am certain that should a person decide to fuck his step-sister, there would be no serious physical implications.
Should a condition arise where this situation became a reality… The holiday gathering occurs in the winter, in the Midwest. Suppose an unexpected snowstorm struck during the gathering and everybody present was suddenly snowed in and forced to spend the night. This would involve a lot of people sleeping in various odd places around the house. Let’s assume then that she and I had to sleep together in a shared confined corridor, such as both of us on the same couch. In the midst of a cold, snowy night in December, two people snuggled up with one another in intimate proximity, things happen quite commonly. …in that particular condition, the verdict hereby finds the participants not-guilty of any immoral infraction; although a case could be made should a stain surface on the aforementioned sofa.
What would happen if two people had casual sex and then went their separate ways; a few years later, their parents got married? Technically they would be step brother and sister, but the deed had already been done.
In many circles, pursuing a night of wild and passionate sex with a step-relative is far more acceptable than even an accidental excursion with a transvestite. I would be willing to wager that a significant percentage of the U.S. population would easier confess to a sexual relationship with a non-blood relative than with a transvestite. The inability to accept a group of people is the major travesty in this case. At this point in time, there is no reason to pass any judgment whatsoever on sexual affairs with transsexuals. It is perfectly fine, and there is nothing wrong with it whatsoever.
My most memorable experience with a transvestite has received contemptible reaction and there are only a select few in which I have even shared the story… none of which I have share the whole story.
Back in 2007, I was walking around Northside Cincinnati at night by myself. Inadvertently, I just so happened to be walking next to this person who I was unsure was a man or woman. From afar, she admittedly looked pretty sexy—almost in the same category as Beyonce. Up close, he did have some manly features that raised some questions. I glanced down at her crotch, and there was no bulge.
She looked over at me as I was walking beside her and then just put her arm around me. Mind you I had never met this person nor had ever spoken to her… that was her first move. We talked, she asked me where I was going, and then she invited me to her house to smoke some of that God damn green tobacco shit that people use to effectively lure me into their homes.
I had no intentions on doing anything sexual with this person. First of all, I am not prejudice in any way shape or form, and accept friendship from anybody. Part of me did just wish to get stoned; after all, I wasn’t doing anything else. And, part of me was curious if this was a man or a woman and I wanted to find out officially… and I vowed complete 100% acceptance with the results. Also, I needed some new transvestite friends.
We went to her house, went upstairs, I sat in a chair, she passed me the bong, and then went to the bathroom. She emerged from the bathroom in lingerie and proceeded to sit on the couch; seemingly distressed that I sat in the chair which could not be occupied by another human being (I am so fucking clever.) I was taken aback by the black satin apparel, but I figure it could ease the process of trying to resolve her gender.
Not even 30 seconds passed and she had her cock out and was jerking off on the couch. I was like, “well, solves that mystery.” However, I thought that took a lot of nerve. Never in my life have I brought somebody over to my house and immediately pulled out my cock and started stroking it on the couch; that’s an aggressive move… one I do not even have in my repertoire. Despite the fact that I found the action somewhat unsettling, I pretended like nothing was going on and simply went to my happy place.
She asked me if I wanted to move over to the sofa next to her and suck on her cock. I declined. She then ordered me to go over there so she could play with mine. Again, I declined. The fact that I am not attracted to penises played a significant role, but the main reason I was unwilling to expose mine was because hers was way bigger. I just sat there in the chair while she jacked off staring at me; she kept insisting that I go sit by her and was making bizarre moans of pleasure. It was a most awkward situation, and I just sat there and smoked the entire bong.
There are only a few people who know about that situation. Furthermore, I had simply left it at that and told everybody that I left. And I did leave, so I never lied… I’m not there now am I? I simply left…
In actuality, and what I had left out, after the entirety of that water bong, I was stoned enough for her to convince me to sit next to her while she masturbated. She kept feeling me up and trying to kiss me, but I was not willing. Finally, I just fondled her massive titties and licked her nipples until she came. Admittedly, I was disappointed with the way she came and felt I could do better. After all, she did have a 10” cock, and I was expecting this huge massive cum shot. Even though her aggressive sexual advances were objectionable, and even though I never touched her cock, she was polite and suggested that I let her give me a handjob. As previously stated, I was bashful because her dick was bigger than mine; however, her cum shot was unimpressive. Feeling that I had to prove my non-conformity, and convinced that I was capable of putting her petty cum shot to shame, I allowed the transvestite to give me a handjob.
… I simply left while she was wiping up all the cum I shot all over her coffee table. It wasn’t even on my own terms… she kind of threw me out for making a mess in her living room. Afterwards, I felt ashamed. It had nothing to do with the fact that I just received my first ever handjob from a transsexual; instead, I felt that I should have at least touched her cock—had I have been the one stroking it, perhaps she would have had a better orgasm. To this day, I still have never held a penis in my hand. Although I am heterosexual and repulsed by the image of a dick (I do not even view porn that has a man in the scene—strictly lesbian and solo), I am curious to know how well I could handle one. I’m positive that I could give the best blow job in history and make some dude cum to the extreme he would be deeply affected for life. But, it would take a substantial amount of cash for that to ever be determined.
Should that exact same scenario have occurred with a step-sister instead of a transvestite, I think the impact would have significantly less shock value in some communities. I’m willing to wager that the amount of people who have had sexual affairs with members of extended families related only by marriage is significantly higher than people might expect. If a mutual attraction exists, I would say that 63% act upon it.
Several years ago, my Dad was dating this woman, and his brother Randy was dating her daughter. The two parties actually dated for a lengthy period of time and the woman even moved in with my Dad. When you put marriage into the picture, this becomes a complicated matter. Should my Dad have been married first, my uncle would have been fucking my Dad’s daughter-in-law; if Randy was married first, his own brother would be tapping his mother-in-law. If they both got married, Randy would be both my Dad’s brother and his son-in-law; with my Dad being his father-in-law… and since we now both shared the same father… that would be fucked up. It would have created all sorts of weird ass step shit taking place.
Index: Chapter List
Chapter 13 Soundtrack Listing:1. Violent Femmes
"Add It Up" 4:44
2. Fever Ray
"If I Had A Heart" 3:50
3. Lou Reed
"Walk on the Wild Side" 4:14
4. Christian Death
"Dream for Mother" 3:22
Only Theatre of Pain
5. Sonic Youth
"Androgynous Mind" 3:31
Experimental Jet Set, Trash & No Star
6. The Kinks
Lola Versus Powerman The Moneygoround
"See What A Fool I've Been" 4:38
"Puss 'n Boots" 3:06
Too Much Too Soon
9. Iggy & The Stooges
"Bright Light" 4:53
16 And Savaged
11. Cockney Rebel
All Sections Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal
Top Image from Google; was my profile picture for a while.
Bottom Video: "I'm My Own Grandpa" from the movie The Stupids; written by Harry Allard, performed by Tom Arnold.