The Top 50 Songs of 2012

The Best Songs of 2012 + 2012: The Smurf Apocalypse
Chapter 1: The Death of Papa Smurf's Generation
Chapter 2: The Smurfettes
Chapter 3: The Rise of the 3rd Anti-Smurf
Chapter 4: Beauty + Love = Macabre Prophecies
Chapter 5: Prelude… The World Ended Before it Began
Chapter 6: Finale: The Great Smurf Apocalypse

Chapter V: Prelude… The World Ended Before it Began

Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.

50. The Brian Jonestown Massacre
"Panic in Babylon"  4:39
San Francisco, CA

Some have suggested that official Apocalypse may have taken place in 2012… 2012 BCE that is. On the contrary, the world more than likely ended before it ever began. The world officially ended with the first regime. All historic efforts to invade and conquer territories with the purpose to form a regime, to enable a select few power abusive wealth seekers to dictate their own standards on another culture, was the definitive sign that humankind on Earth was going to be a failure. Any time excessive force is needed to convert other civilians to the standards of another culture…. that is a certain indication that the forced system is seriously flawed. Throughout history, all great conquerors, all great dictators, and all rulers of giant empires have shared one thing in common: in terms of mental intelligence, to put it in layman’s terms, they were all genuinely stupid.

"Guv'nor"  2:59
Key to the Kuffs
JJ: Philadelphia, PA/DOOM: London, England/New York, NY

The fat tourist showed up once again at Gargamel’s house and thanked him for the fact that the land was not for sale. However, he arrived with the governor, and they declared that they would simply be taking a major portion of his land without any compensation whatsoever. Furthermore, the governor of Sri Lanka had taken it first, and then declared that the governor and the fat tourist could have it outright to establish a commerce seeking shopping mall state. Also, a few people from upstate who had never even been anywhere near this property also voted on this issue and elected to allow the fat tourist to use it for commercial development and as housing settlements where other fat tourists like himself could maintain permanent residency.

48. A Whisper in the Noise
"A Sea Estranged Us"  4:07
To Forget
Hanska, MN

Papa Smurf was once again lying in his bed suffering from the nightmarish visual of water pouring in from an unknown source and wiping out Smurf Village. Outside, the weather was nice, the stream flowed peacefully across the picturesque landscape of healthy trees, pretty flowers, birds singing, deer grazing, and gorgeous scenery. Trouble was attempting to disrupt the harmony of the only lifestyle these living organisms had ever known. The fat tourist was walking through the grass with a posse of men wearing business attire, viewing diagrams, and reviewing plans to alter this situation to their liking; they honestly felt as if God had given them this land because they were chosen to represent humankind.

47. Titus Andronicus
"Ecce Homo"  5:13
Local Business
Glen Rock, NJ

Gargamel was jolted out of bed with a loud noise outside in his yard. A patrol of construction vehicles plowed a path through Gargamel’s yard just beside his home. He stormed outside to confront them about it and they showed him the documents that either claimed God gave them this land, the governor of Sri Lanka granted it to them, and the people from upstate voted in its’ approval. Any person who does it for the money is not acting in his/her natural state. To these people, Gargamel was primitive, while they represented advancement in cultural growth… the mall and a suburb. They had big plans to generate large profits on Gargamel’s property; this consisted of selling other people’s products without manufacturing any of them, paying the people who voted for the settlement low wages while charging massive rates for the products, rent prices, and property taxes, and it would all be paid for with tax payer dollars. This was going to affect the entire community, but only nine people were going to reap all of the profits—the fat tourist being the chief recipient of the revenue.

46. Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti
"Early Birds Of Babylon"  5:15
Mature Themes
Los Angeles, CA

The Anti-Smurf settlement developers outlined numerous rules in which Gargamel was expected to follow. They erected a fence layered with barb wire around the perimeter of his house. Even though he had been walking freely on this whole area his entire life, there were now areas that were forbidden for him to pass. An army was funded by the tax payers and they made certain that Gargamel followed these orders—telling him to do this, don’t do that. They set up checkpoints on various paths through the woods and Gargamel was frequently stopped, harassed, and searched. He did not possess proper documents for he never had needed any.

45. Dope Body
"Lion"  2:24
Natural History
Baltimore, MD

Vehicles were constantly passing though his yard. They chopped down all of the trees and dug an enormous hole in the center of Gargamel’s backyard. Once again, he raced outside and confronted the developers. The fat tourist merely stared at him, and then one of the officers slapped Gargamel in the face, beat him with a club, and ordered that he remain inside his house. Whenever Gargamel went outside, they viewed him as a threat and claimed he was being hostile towards the best interest of the voters. Furthermore, they justified the beating induced by the officers by stating that they had the right to defend themselves.

44. Liars
"Annual Moon Words"  2:37
New York, NY/Los Angeles, CA

As trees were uprooted and taken away to be used for the manufacturing of the furniture store, the remains were disposed of dangerously close to Smurf Village. Gargamel was awarded a small path in which he was permitted to walk through his property (a feat the developers claimed on their website as a generous sacrifice, a compromise, a peaceful resolution). He was en route to visit Smurf Village, but was stopped periodically and questioned by armed officials who had created checkpoints on what was considered his route too. The Smurfs were growing alarmed with the increase in potential harm they were being faced with on a daily basis now.

43. Death Hawks
"Holy Water"  3:26
Death & Decay

The settlers quickly moved through the area, and had even tracked Gargamel’s travel to Smurf Village. Gargamel was in the process of warning Papa Smurf about the land development when the Anti-Smurf intervened. He was shocked that Gargamel talked to little blue creatures, and even more shocked that Papa Smurf was significantly more intelligent than he was. The Anti-Smurf explained to Papa Smurf that this was given to them by God and that the governor of Sri Lanka said they could have it. Fortunately, Smurf Village was the other area that was to remain unscathed. He handed the clipboard to Papa Smurf who reviewed the documents carefully, expressed his unhappiness, asked a series of questions in the fat tourist could not answer effectively, and sought a more just resolution. However, because of this, Papa Smurf was deemed a militant threat.

42. Moonface
"Faraway Lightning"  4:45
With Siinai: Heartbreaking Bravery
Montréal, QC, Canada

In just one day, Smurf Village was transformed into their worst nightmare. The development settlers had the right to defend themselves against the militant Smurfs, and it was obvious that they were probably going to turn hostile and commit atrocious acts of terrorism at any moment now. They had their army build a blockade around Smurf Village and it too was surrounded with barb wire (they did, however, take approximately one fourth of Smurf Village and forced the Smurfs and Smurfettes residing in that area to live in refugee camps elsewhere in the village.) All of the belongings that were in the mushrooms that were confiscated were never returned and eventually destroyed. If a Smurf wished to leave the village to gather Smurfberries for food, the Smurfs were harassed, searched, and sometimes not even permitted to leave.

41. Spacin'
"Oh, Man"  6:48
Deep Thuds
Philadelphia, PA

Life in Occupied Smurf Village was less than desirable. The Smurfs were undecided on how they should handle the situation and frequently held meetings. Many of The Smurfs wanted to leave Smurf Village and seek refuge elsewhere… however, getting out was growing more difficult each day; furthermore, they had no assured place to go as of yet. Some of them wanted to remain because they had been residing here their entire lives, and to give up would be foolish and cowardly. They thought of numerous ways in which they could stand their ground—petitioning the governor did not work, filing an appeal to Sri Lanka was ineffective, and this God who supposedly granted them this land did not even exist. At times, Gargamel was not even allowed to leave his house… they posted flyers in his mailbox stating that he had to be inside by a certain hour or else he would be seen as a target.

40. OFF!
"Harbor Freeway Blues"  1:15
Los Angeles, CA

Frustrations were mounting as The Smurfs were finding it increasingly difficult to continue with their ordinary lives the way they had been accustomed to. Poet Smurf and Poetic Smurfette were out in the forest sitting by a tree, smoking a bowl and conjuring new ideas for their upcoming performance. The occupational authorities seized them and declared that they were trespassing… smoking Smurfberries was also illegal according to their policy. They claimed they did not know they were in any violations, and the guards seized Poetic Smurfette, touched her inappropriately, and placed under arrest—taking her away to prison against Poet Smurf’s pleas. Finally, he insisted that he had enough of this and could no longer live in this fashion. He went to Jokey Smurf’s old house, tied an explosive present to his body, entered the trailer of the foreman overseeing the building development, and detonated it.

39. METZ
"Wet Blanket"  3:54
Toronto, ON, Canada

Word of Poet Smurf’s suicide bombing did not bode well with the settlers. They ambushed Smurf Village with intentions to destroy Jokey Smurf’s mushroom claiming it was being used to harbor terrorists. Not only were they able to successfully disintegrate Jokey’s mushroom, they also destroyed several other mushrooms and killed several civilian Smurfs in the process. The entire section of Smurf Village in which Jokey’s old mushroom was located was confiscated by the occupying authorities and deemed eligible for settlement development—displacing numerous Smurfs. Because the suicide bombing was considered grotesquely immoral, and because the development settlers had the right to defend themselves, they were able to generate even more funding from the tax payers upstate (who, by the way, had only obtained their land in a similar fashion when their God, the great Christopher Columbus, gave it to them). On the land that was confiscated, the mushrooms were demolished, and The Smurfs were removed from their homes, sometimes kicking and screaming on the way out.

38. Billy Woods
"Pompeii"  4:23
History Will Absolve Me
New York, NY

Media propaganda constantly attempts to portray military personnel as heroes, people protecting rights, and all armed conflicts should be supported unconditionally—the law of the land should also be supported unconditionally, even if it goes against everything the individual normally stands for. The leaders, foolish descendents of the first regime, should be supported because they are only trying protect the values of culture (economy)… these so-called leaders are willing to commit crimes against humanity, steal, lie, and destroy their own natural resources in order to stabilize their own personal economy. The soldiers who executed a fleet of Smurfs working on the dam were deemed as heroes who accomplished an important mission to ensure the safety of millions (most had no idea how important the dam was, and only based their opinions by what they saw on TV). Eventually, their crimes will be exposed, and they will claim the same tired cliché, “we were merely following orders.” A day will come when the leaders and the brainwashed youth soldiers will realize that their actions have consequences… all of the massive powers that have ever dwelled on Earth are historically viewed as tyrannical… all occupational aggressors in today’s world will also be viewed as unethical tyrants in the future—the military men who fought to preserve the orders of their leaders will not be recognized as heroes; rather their legacy will be that of brutal, brainless, belligerent sheep who were too stupid to analyze the situation closely—just like the Nazis; just like most Americans; just like everybody else.

37. Lambchop
"Gar"  5:28
Mr. M
Nashville, TN

Although their world would never be the same again, most of The Smurfs attempted to continue with life as they always had and hoped for the best. In return, the occupational settlers were displaying much more kindness than ever—rather than removing Smurfs from their mushrooms with force and assault weapons, they were kindly showing up to the door with eviction notices that allowed them 7 days to be out—it was a token of gratitude the governor displayed with a smile. They were looking at the bright side; whenever a portion of Smurf Village was confiscated for a new settlement, this allowed them to live in closer proximity of one another—even though it was getting over crowded. Perhaps Material Smurfette could adjoin her mall with the new mall and sell some of her products there—nope, she did not follow the same religion as the settlers, and therefore, the land wasn’t given to her… her mall was demolished; Material Smurfette was extremely joyful when she came up with the idea; cried herself to sleep the night her mall was destroyed.

36. Whirr
"Flashback"  4:08
Pipe Dreams
San Francisco, CA

Papa Smurf reflected on all of the turmoil he had ever had to persevere—this one may be the worst. He was still having nightmares about the water rushing in, and periodically checked on the dam to ensure it was still functioning properly. Each time, he was harassed and ordered to leave. This was the only time in his existence in which he and his people had been fenced in with barbed wire; they were also constructing a wall around Smurf Village. The defenseless Smurfs could do nothing but watch as the foundation was laid for the new stores and the new settlements in the all-white suburb that was being erected. Deep down inside, he knew this was never going to last and The Smurfs needed to do something fast in order to survive.

35. Porcelain Raft
"Drifting In And Out"  3:14
Strange Weekend
Rome, Italy/New York, NY

More than ever, Dreamy Smurf and Dreamy Smurfette had aspirations to discover a new world. They arranged plans for the entire Smurf Village to relocate somewhere more suitable to the life of a Smurf, and had these fantastic visions to what the new Village would resemble. Furthermore, since the occupation, their use of mind-altering Smurfogenics increased significantly. On the other hand, they seemed less fazed at times by the oppression; on the other hand, this lack of concern troubled the authorities and they were monitored closely. Even with their mushrooms crumbling and littered with graffiti, they embraced all notions that a new world, someday soon, would alter everything for better and worse—they would have to accept both of them.

34. The Mars Volta
"The Malkin Jewel"  4:45
Los Angeles, CA

Some of the civilians turned to Papa Smurf to invoke some sort of magic potion to resolve the issue. Back in the days when the greatest foe was Gargamel, he concocted a potion that made him the same size as Gargamel. Once again, he utilized this strategy, and this time attempted to engage in negotiations with the fat tourist on an equal level. The new size of Papa Smurf frightened the settlers and they heightened security; Papa Smurf was targeted for assassination. They attempted to detonate an explosive device by means of a drone bomber, but it failed miserably. It did destroy Papa Smurf’s mushroom, and it was raided by the authorities, who attempted to confiscate a majority of his magic potions.

33. A Place to Bury Strangers
"Leaving Tomorrow"  4:08
New York, NY

During the raid, Vicious Vixen Smurfette took matters into her own hands. She led a small militia of her own, an uprising against the occupational forces ensued. Significantly undersized and outnumbered, she led the militia against those attempting to raid Papa Smurf’s mushroom. With the usage of trip ropes, stones, Chuckleberry Smurf’s rifle, and a multitude of other homemade weapons, Vicious Vixen Smurfette was able to stop the insurgency and salvage Papa Smurf’s magic potions. Furthermore, they had an oversized ally in Bigmouth, who was able to fend off many of the occupying soldiers. Despite the small victory though, they were once again ambushed with heavy artillery strikes that killed several of them; they were forced to take refuge at Gargamel’s house.

32. Howler
"Wailing (Making Out)"  2:02
America Give Up
Minneapolis, MN

They were sitting in Gargamel’s living room deciding what to do when Dreamy Smurf blurted out, “Fuck it, let’s just leave.” Everybody looked at him like he was crazy, and he retorted by standing up to prove that he was crazy. Harmony Smurf and Smurfette plugged in their instruments and Dreamy Smurf grabbed the microphone to express his true feelings. It seemed fun and he was even able to convince several other Smurfs this was the ideal life (images on the screen showed that of Dreamy Smurf coinciding with the lyrics of the song—on the cover of magazines, on TV, a girl (Dreamy Smurfette) and a new car, etc.) The goal was to figure out how to make this dream a reality.

31. Sigur Rós
"Ekki Múkk"  7:44
Reykjavík, Iceland

Gargamel looked out the window and then his whole life changed as he saw the most horrific sight imaginable. “No,” he murmured sadly as he tried to maintain his composure. Unfortunately, it was growing increasingly difficult as reality was settling in, and he could no longer contain the tears as he rushed outside. Azrael was lying dead next to the road the settlers had built; they ran him over with a Jeep. Hippy Smurfette was outside next to him, also in a state of extreme remorse, attempting to pull Azrael away from the street. It was a sorrowful moment for everybody, especially Gargamel, who rushed outside to rescue Azrael. He made a series of desperate attempts to revive his best friend (who for many years had been his only friend) but it was no use. They held a funeral outside in the limited area they had remaining in the backyard, and Gargamel could only reflect on all of the wonderful joys he shared together with his cat.

30. Keiji Haino, Stephen O'Malley & Oren Ambarchi
"Not A Joy To Come Closer But So-Called A Sacred Insanity Has Finally Appeared"  9:42
KH: Tokyo/SO: Seattle/OA: Sydney

Some of The Smurfs returned to Smurf Village to gather some of their belongings with diminished hopes that perhaps it had returned to normal. If not, they were prepared to leave the forest and seek refuge elsewhere. However, when they arrived, they discovered several of the mushrooms were on fire. The development settlers had violated numerous international laws and were moving in on the land that was not supposed to be theirs in the pact designed by the governor of Sri Lanka. Not long after they arrived and witnessed the decimation of their land, a demolition crew arrived on the scene to demolish the remainder of Smurf Village. They begged and pleaded with the development settlers but were met with hostility. In turn, they retaliated with more hostility, harsh words, and refused to cooperate—they were not willing to simply withstand watching their village be destroyed by a bunch of government funded scam artists trying to create the ultimate capitalist state. It began as a series of shouting matches and heated arguments until the settlers drew their weapons and aimed them at the unarmed Smurfs. To set a fine example, although nobody knew where it came from, a bullet was fired and Smurfette was shot in the head. They were stunned that these ruthless settlers would resort to this type of injustice as they tended to Smurfette—it was no use, blood was gushing from the bullet hole in her head, she gurgled some blood and died. Distress turned to violent anger for the distraught Smurfs as Hefty Smurf carried Smurfette back to Gargamel’s house. This is when The Smurfs decided more serious action needed to be taken.

29. Dan Deacon
"USA III: Rail"  6:31
Baltimore, MD

He didn’t wish to ever do this, but he felt he had to; and even consoled with the ancient ones and the Great Wizard before doing so. In the very back of his book of potions was a chapter that should never be considered unless under extreme duress. But, this constituted as extreme duress and it was obvious now why the Great Smurf Wizard left Papa Smurf the magical wooden pole. Looking noticeably concerned with his own actions, he concocted that potion that should never be used—the other Smurfs were supportive and risked their lives to gather some of the materials. The bottle was significantly larger than usual, and he did not use very much of it. Gargamel and the other Smurfs and Smurfettes watched as Papa Smurf went outside, sprinkled a few drops of the new potion, waved the wooden pole over the ground, and sat cross-legged in deep meditation chanting some unusual syllables that had to have meant something. Pink fog emerged from the ground, followed by some blue fog… the clouds shifted, the sky changed colors, and then the remarkable miracle happened… Azrael and Smurfette were resurrected from the dead, albeit transformed into something slightly different.

28. Hail Spirit Noir
"Mountain of Horror"  5:14
Thessaloniki, Greece

The construction crews were en route to the site where the new mall and subdivision was being built when a mysterious looking cat was sitting in the middle of the path staring at them. One soldier attempted to stomp at the evil looking cat but Azrael refused to move. He drew his gun and fired a shot at Azrael. Much to their surprise, the cat did not die from the gunshot. Azrael caught the bullet in his mouth, and then sat there calmly chewing up the bullet. Once the bullet was crushed into tiny pieces, Azrael stood up and spit the pieces out at them—except they shot out of his mouth in quick succession like a rapid fire machine gun. Several of the human heroes dropped dead from the gunshots (applause could be heard from the heavens.) Azrael aggressively raced towards them and the remaining survivors turned to run away. After running for a few feet up the path, they were snared in a net that The Smurfs had set. These soldiers and building developers were struggling to get out of the net and even demanded that they be freed immediately while threatening The Smurfs that they were going to suffer for this—many of them even firing weapons from the net at The Smurfs. Papa Smurf waved the pole and the net was set on fire with all of the people trapped inside it. They screamed, panicked, and went into a state of desperation as the flames grew higher and the smoke increasingly thick. All of The Smurfs walked away happily while the human settlers were perishing in flames. They held no concern whatsoever for the settler's well-being; if God had actually given them this land, then surely God would rescue them.

27. Dr. Dog
"Vampire"  4:27
Be the Void
Philadelphia, PA

Although she had returned to the living, Smurfette was not the same loveable Smurfette everybody was accustomed to. She had some sort of darkness surrounding her, and some were saddened by what the transformation had to comprise. There was some sort of a lingering hope that somehow, some way, she would return to her old usual form. Until then, they took in stride the reality of the matter with a bittersweet enjoyment of her new powers. She would never harm any of The Smurfs; they were safe at least. However, Smurfette would fly around at night, sneak up on settlers lurking around in the dark, and sink her large fangs into their neck. Victims were mounting as mutilated dead bodies were being discovered on a daily basis… all with one thing in common, the same holes in their neck. Orders were laid from the commanders to continue with the development of the new mall, but the settlers lived in fear that Vampire Smurfette would strike at any moment—suddenly it was they who had an early curfew.

26. Shit And Shine
"Rodeo Girls"  10:05
Jream Baby Jream
London, England

Papa Smurf knew that he did not have the proper characteristics to lead a battle that would ultimately include a massive degree of violence and bloodshed. Therefore, he nominated Vicious Vixen Smurfette as the leader of the revolt and passed the Great Wizard’s wooden pole down to her. It was the only way possible to stop the settlers from completing the ethnic cleansing on The Smurfs.

She rallied the Smurfs to be uncooperative with the development soldiers and refused to follow any of their orders. As a result, security was heightened and a wall was built around Gargamel’s house (depleting even more of the yard). Vicious Vixen Smurfette revolted against the construction of this wall, and many of The Smurfs fired objects over the wall towards the construction crew’s intent on destroying Smurf Village. They threw rocks at the people, often beaming them in the head, and one of the soldiers needed to get stitches from a direct hit from a stone hurled by Hefty Smurf.

The governor held a meeting with the soldiers, the land developers, and some of the elected officials from upstate that had never been there. They claimed that the unruly Smurfs were terrorists and were actually firing weapons over their borders at the innocent settlers. Also, they claimed that The Smurfs were to blame for any sort of adverse action taken against them because they elected the militant Vicious Vixen Smurfette who was not willing to engage in any sort of decent peace proposals—she felt as if this mall did not have the right to even exist—bitch!

After the articles were released that provided sufficient evidence that The Smurfs were indeed a terrorist organization, the fat tourist was able to enhance his money making scam by generating enough income to purchase unmanned aircrafts that could effectively drop missiles on any target and effectively ensure the safety of the developers. Furthermore, this subdivision was coming along nice and he even used tax payer dollars so that people from Sri Lanka could move into the subdivision and attend the church; chosen people from Sri Lanka—those who were already employed at Pier 1 Imports.

Once again, this proved the fact that if the word “military” still exists, then that means the human race has not advanced and still capable of making stupid decisions. These drone bombers that the governor created were borderline useless. They fired a missile at Gargamel’s house and accidentally struck Gargamel’s neighbor—a family of five operating an organic farm. The fact that these heroes are even in the military in the first place proves how easily misled they are. To their closed little addled minds, the governor could do no wrong and everything worked properly. After the missile struck the unsuspecting organic farm, the heroes raided and finished it off. They demolished the home, destroyed the barn, killed all the livestock, depleted the entire harvest (wasted it essentially—perfectly good organic food, the derelicts didn’t even consume it themselves), and executed every member of the family… then celebrated the victory.

All of the government officials and the settlers assumed the military had set a fine example and did all of the things necessary to ensure the safety of the development committee. Instead, they angered the neighbor’s friends and family members and created an entire new fleet of enemies who despised their mission.

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