2012/12/07

The Top 100 Songs of 2012

The Best Songs of 2012 + 2012: The Smurf Apocalypse
Chapter 1: The Death of Papa Smurf's Generation
Chapter 2: The Smurfettes
Chapter 3: The Rise of the 3rd Anti-Smurf
Chapter 4: Beauty + Love = Macabre Prophecies
Chapter 5: Prelude… The World Ended Before it Began
Chapter 6: Finale: The Great Smurf Apocalypse

Chapter III: The Rise of the 3rd Anti-Smurf


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.



100. Om
"State Of Non-Return"  6:06
Advaitic Songs
San Francisco, CA

Once upon a time, there was a dispute in Smurf Village as to who was to be elected Papa Smurf. The election was disputed across the globe and supposedly the votes were dead even. In order to resolve the issue, the two campaigners held a jousting tournament to determine the victor. Many people watched as the match went back and forth several times. However, on the next run, Papa Smurf knocked his opponent off the horse and he dropped to the ground. That could have been the end of it, but Papa Smurf rode up beside him and finished him off by stabbing him through the chest with the lance.

99. El-P
"Oh Hail No"  3:41
Cancer 4 Cure
New York, NY

Sketchy Smurf simply rubbed people the wrong way. He was constantly lurking behind mushrooms and saying absurd fallacies that made no sense. Furthermore, he displayed extremely aggressive behavior and was forceful and boisterous when interacting with other Smurfs, often interjecting when we was not wanted. Papa Smurf asked that he seek counseling but it proved to no avail. One night, the lovely and talented Broadway Smurfette was found dead behind an abandoned mushroom with her throat slit. The news shocked the village, except for Sketchy Smurf who did not even seem remorseful; he claimed the fucking bitch had it coming. His sociopath behavior finally angered the Smurfs, Electrician Smurf was called upon to design a chair, and Sketchy Smurf was put to death in the electric chair.

98. Actress
"Shadow From Tartarus"  5:26
R.I.P
London, England

While walking around gathering berries one afternoon, Gargamel mysteriously showed up in the village. It was the only time that he had ever actually been in the village. Nobody was certain how he discovered the ancient secret, but suspicions were rising and accusations were flying. A majority of the village accused Creepy Smurf of revealing the secret to Gargamel in exchange for the creation of his own personal Smurfette. He was put on trial, and even though there was not sufficient evidence, Creepy Smurf was found guilty. For his punishment, they dragged him out into the woods blind-folded, put a gun to his head, and executed him.

97. Cloud Nothings
"Stay Useless"  2:47
Attack On Memory
Cleveland, OH

Drifter Smurf lost all motivation years ago. He had grown tired of the daily routine that comprised life as a Smurf for he felt it was the same shit day in and day out. You wake, sing that fa-la-la bullshit, go to work on that stupid ass dam, eat, fuck around the village for awhile, and then go home and go to bed. This was the hand he had been dealt, a little blue hand, and that bothered him. He had dreams and aspirations to be something else entirely; something other than a Smurf… the life of a Smurf was troubling and presented few opportunities. Finally fed up with all the crap that had been bothering him for the past several years, Drifter Smurf borrowed a few chemical components from Papa Smurf and left Smurf Village for good.

96. The Raveonettes
"Downtown"  2:49
Observator
Copenhagen, Denmark

His first excursion led him to a downtown city intermingling with actual human beings… ones who looked nothing at all like Gargamel. This was the life Drifter Smurf always dreamed of and he was determined to finally make something of himself. Unfortunately, he found city life amongst humans even more difficult than Smurf Village. He attempted to obtain a CEO position for a major corporation and was ultimately rejected. Everywhere he went, people either made fun of him because of his voice or his size; the fact that he was blue creeped people out. One night, Drifter Smurf was hanging out a bar drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon straight out of a tin can and attempting to converse with some of the other patrons. Some woman accused him of trying to look down her shirt and then was repeatedly swatted at with a rolled up newspaper. Fortunately, he made it out of the bar alive, but his problems still remained… he blamed all of his misfortunes on the fact that he was a Smurf.

95. Paul Weller
"Drifters"  3:08
Sonik Kicks
Woking, England

He longed desperately to be something other than a Smurf. What Papa Smurf nor the other Smurfs realized was that he intentionally borrowed the chemical components from Papa Smurf to assist with the transformation. However, he knew nothing of magic or even how any of the borrowed chemicals were supposed to function. Drifter Smurf used his own intuition to create the formula for the potion that would define him…it would have been senseless to utilize Papa Smurf’s skills for this experiment for he was the only Smurf who knew exactly how he felt and what he ultimately desired. He blended the components together until the potion looked how he felt it should look, and then drank it. Upon drinking it, Slacker Smurf felt euphoric and took a nap next to the riverbank. When he awoke, it had worked, and Slacker Smurf had a new identity.

(Many cartoons recreate various real movies, such as Family Guy’s take on Star Wars, etc.)
94. Hidden Orchestra
"Vorka"  5:21
Archipelago
Edinburgh, Scotland

Refer to the above image from The Shining, with Scatman Crothers lying in bed feeling that premonition that something dreadfully awful is about to happen. Replace the image of Scatman Crothers with Papa Smurf, lying in bed with the exact same expression, knowing that some dreaded doom could be among them in Smurf Village. FLASH: Two creepy twin Smurfettes standing at the doorway of Papa Smurf’s bedroom. Petrified, he jumped out of bed and hid in the bathroom, which was lit with a faint red light. While he was standing there in the bathroom looking in the mirror, the door opened behind him and Brainy Smurf was standing in the doorway with a dazed look in his eye, holding a tube of lipstick; Brainy proceeded to murmur “REDRUM” over and over again with a possessed sounding voice while he wrote the word REDRUM backwards on Papa Smurf’s bathroom wall. Papa Smurf responded calmly, with that Papa Smurf voice, “Brainy Smurf! You should not be vandalizing Papa Smurf’s bathroom walls, you’re only supposed to that at the bar!” The shower curtain opened and a smoking hot naked Smurfette emerged from the bathtub, exposing her perfect Smurfette body. She was easily able to seduce Papa Smurf as they made out in the bathroom. When he glanced in the mirror, the hot Smurfette had transformed into something evil, decomposed, and grotesque. Papa Smurf showed no fear as he shoved Brainy Smurf out of the bathroom, placed a sock on the doorknob, and shut the door to be alone with her.

93. Black Breath
"Of Flesh"  3:33
Sentenced to Life
Seattle, WA

Harmony decided that Smurf music was too commercialized and the last thing he wanted to hear was some lame ass fucking pop song. His behavior addled some of the other Smurfs as he showed up to the town meeting wearing black with his face tattooed. His trumpet was replaced with loud guitars and his concert in the middle of Smurf Village unleashed holy terror and the assault kicked major Smurf. It had a bizarre effect on the rest of The Smurfs as they began smashing into each, diving off the stage, and crowd Smurfing. The adrenaline lasted all the way to Gargamel’s house as the unruly Smurfs busted out his windows and ransacked his home… slicing up his couch cushions, busting all of his dishes, and emptying the vacuum cleaner bag all over his living room rug.

92. THEESatisfaction
"Earthseed"  2:35
Awe Naturale
Seattle, WA

The Smurfs had several awful predictions just like humans had predictions. There was constantly the threat that the next Anti-Smurf would soon rise and many visuals were created that depicted the ultimate terrifying Anti-Smurf. He slightly resembled Papa Smurf, but only had a mustache—an awful mustache at that. All of The Smurfs hailed him with their arm in the air, as the entire Smurf Army wore uniforms with swastikas wrapped around their arms. Armed with rifles and other forms of advanced warfare, the evil Anti-Smurf army terrorized The Smurf Village and transformed it into a death camp, often executing innocent Smurfs by means of torture and cruelty. This lesson served as a reminder to The Smurfs to never be corrupted with power.

91. Mac Demarco
"She's Really All I Need"  3:04
Rock and Roll Night Club
Montréal, QC, Canada

Gargamel was experiencing the worst of withdrawal symptoms as he was desperately craving another crack addled Smurfette. However, he was unable to track down the Smurf Village and his dilapidated state of mind was not helping matters. In order to satisfy his fix, he created yet another Smurfette. This one had no personality whatsoever and could not even speak. The components used to create her were not as effective as The Cincinnati Smurfette that caused the crack addiction in the first place. So, he placed the little Smurfette onto a spoon, lit the bottom of the spoon with a lighter, and freebased her.

90. Pepe Deluxé
"A Night and a Day"  4:05
Queen of the Wave
Helsinki, Finland

Roller Derby became a popular sport in Smurf Village as The Smashing Smurfettes were a group of women not to be fucked with. Smurf Roller Derby was significantly different than human roller derby for it was far more serious, intense, and extremely violent. There were no corny jokes whatsoever and little emphasis on sexuality. There was significantly more physical contact in Smurf Roller Derby than even that of human ice hockey; fights were abundant and there were very few rules and regulations. In fact, The Smashing Smurfettes somewhat ruled the town—further exemplified when team captain Vicious Vixen Smurfette beat Hefty Smurf to a bloody pulp at a bar over some stifling comments he made regarding women’s role in Smurf Village. She pinned him down on the ground and beat him senselessly—breaking his nose, knocking a tooth, fracturing four of ribs, and leaving him bloody, bruised, nearly unconscious, and gasping for breath behind the tavern.

89. Black Marble
"A Great Design"  4:31
A Different Arrangement
New York, NY

The Smurf Village Film Festival this year featured the Dreamy Smurf and Dreamy Smurfette mind trip. They had hooked up with Painter Smurf and Architect Smurf and created a series of bizarre images amidst a psychedelic haze. There was no real plot to this episode, simply and array of strange scenes and unique camera angles. It centered around one scene, shot in black and white, with Dreamy Smurfette lying on the kitchen floor with a bunch of freaky looking Smurfs and Smurfettes flashing periodically into the scene, creating a setting that depicted completely delusional schizophrenia. She crawled across the floor, wearing a tattered dress, clutching a shard of bloody broken glass; a trap door mysteriously appeared in the kitchen that took her to a colorful world of happiness… but the despair world of schizophrenic Smurf Kitchen followed her.

88. Grizzly Bear
"A Simple Answer"  6:01
Shields
New York, NY

Somebody once got the bright idea that perhaps The Smurfs should be given a Christmas special. This must have meant that a virgin Smurfette produced an immaculate conception that ultimately ended with Messiah Smurf nailed to a cross. While Gargamel was out in the forest searching for Smurfs, he stumbled upon a crucifix that displayed a Smurf nailed to a cross in the exact same pose as Jesus. When he witnessed The Smurfs re-enacting The Passion of Messiah Smurf, he found this too disturbing for his standards, assumed he was too whacked out on freebased Smurfette, and simply went home… tossing the Messiah Smurf artifact in the garbage. The trash men discovered this religious token and believed Gargamel to be mentally deranged and reported him to the authorities. Santa Claus showed up at Gargamel’s house and slapped living shit out of him, and declared that he wasn’t getting any presents ever again for this sort of blasphemy.

87. Tame Impala
"Nothing That Has Happened So Far Has Been Anything We Could Control"  6:01
Lonerism
Perth, Australia

At last, that dark black cloud hovered over The Smurf Village. Papa Smurf was plagued with nightmarish visions that the Apocalypse was nearing, and the 3rd Anti-Smurf had risen. He assumed it was Gargamel, as he had a visual of Gargamel approaching from the forest, leaving a path of explosive flames with each step. But something had come over The Village, and it wasn’t Gargamel… it was Jokey Smurf who bore the sign of the beast. He stalked in the night awaiting Smurfette in a parking garage. When she approached, Jokey Smurf apprehended from behind and forcefully dragged her kicking and screaming to his mushroom. He ripped off the top of her dress, exposing her big blue titties while she screamed and tried to defend herself. Laughing that evil laugh, Jokey Smurf chased her down, caught her from behind, tied up her wrists and put Smurf tape over her mouth. After she was securely tied down to the floor, he ripped open the rest of her dress, pulled down her panties, and then got on top of her. When Jokey Smurf forced his cock into her vagina, it exploded like one of his presents. Afterwards, Jokey laughed and performed cart wheels and flips across the room to celebrate the joke (the act of sexual penetration did not even last 3 seconds).

86. Lotus Plaza
"Monoliths"  3:35
Spooky Action at a Distance
Atlanta, GA

Several symptoms were beginning to take precedent as something about Smurf Village did not seem right. Professor Smurf strolled through the village observing the mannerisms of the others and the oddities of his surroundings. They all seemed to be acting strangely, especially Jokey, who had a red glow in his eyes. Philosophical Smurfette sent Professor Smurf a text message… “Beware Jokey Smurf, he is the 3rd Anti-Smurf.” Papa Smurf even appeared out of the ordinary… it occurred to him that once again, his world might be coming to an end. He had persevered so much, and now he hoped he would be around to conquer one more obstacle. But, this was probably the largest obstacle of all, for the ancient prophet Mayan Smurf had spoke of this eeriness in the prophecy.

85. MewithoutYou
"Fiji Mermaid"  3:35
Ten Stories
Philadelphia, PA

In Tokyo, Japan, there was a rumbling underneath the waves. This had become all too familiar and the civilians knew the beast was about to emerge once again. However, this time, it was not Godzilla that rose from the deeps. No, it was Drifter Smurf, who towered over the city, stomping buildings into ruins and breathing fire into the passing airplanes. Fortunately for the world, this happened to coincide at a time when Ariel (AKA- The Little Mermaid) was once again pissed off about all the bullshit taking place in her world. From beneath the waters, she was able to tug at Drifter Smurf’s satchel he had tied around his leg and open up one of the bottles. The moment the liquid spilled onto his skin, Drifter Smurf was once again transformed. From the waist up, he was a Smurf; from the waist down, he was a mermaid… and the two experienced love at first sight. They made out passionately for several minutes while standing in the water then submerged underneath the waves. Who knows what the hell else they did being as both of them merely had fins for genitals—unless of course, that potion had some more magic.

84. Traxman
"Chilllll"  3:17
Da Mind of Traxman
Chicago, IL

Papa Smurf had to perform a mystical ritual and resort to the lives of the ancient Smurfs in order to conjure a solution. The red smoke poured from the window and Papa Smurf went into a deep state of meditation. Dreamy Smurf and Dreamy Smurfette walked towards each other, (twitch in the picture), they turned around and walked away from each other, (twitch in the picture), with each movement back and forth their image had a delay echo, and then faded abruptly. After the fade, they were standing in a kitchen, it was 1973, other Smurfs faded in and out, climbing through the window. There was a white suburban family seated in the living of the 1971 Polaroid photo—they remained still, but The Smurfs who entered the picture raced around the home at seemingly blazing speed, leaving a blue trace of the path they had just zipped. In 632 B.C., the great wizard emerged from a volcano, he looked serious, stern, dressed in purple, holding a long wooden pole. He waved the pole and yellow cartoon stars filled the air as the great wizard was now in the 1971 Polaroid. Finally the family in the photo seemed startled and looked as if they were going to confront the wizard—the man was outraged. The woman, accompanied with 7 Smurfs entered the 1971 Polaroid from the 1973 kitchen and intervened. The wizard gathered all of The Smurfs, waved his wand once again, and was now standing in the middle of Dreamy Smurf and Dreamy Smurfette who were pacing back and forth in a seemingly endless pattern. Once the great wizard appeared, he walked through them, and they immediately looked serious and walked at his side to Papa Smurf’s mushroom. Without even knocking, the great wizard opened the door, handed Papa Smurf the long wooden pole, and disappeared.

83. Landing
"Migration"  6:04
Landing
Middletown, CT

In the beginning, Smurf Village provided a tranquil setting. And it still did, to this very day; just as it’s doing now. But now, there is something else looming in the atmosphere. The bluebirds appear merrily, but can’t help but stop and notice the spine tingling chill in the air. Mr. Worm pops his head from the ground, with the cutest smile anyone had ever seen; he scoots along the sidewalk like a caterpillar, bright eyed and smiley; and then the smile fades, the caterpillar stops and stares…for a moment looks petrified, then runs away. And that gorgeous stream, it’s crystal clear, it has a tint of red, it flows with blood…then blotches of blue. Dead Smurfs pour from the waterfalls, viewed from the gorgeous green oak trees that tower over the precious flowers that are blossoming blissfully in the troubled Paradise.

82. Matthew E. White
"Gone Away"  6:54
Big Inner
Richmond, VA

Although religion presents an opportunity for a place called heaven, it most likely ends with destruction. As the eerie feeling swept through Smurf Village, Religious Freak Smurf seemed to be showing up everywhere. He read disturbing passages from the Smurf Bible that spoke of destruction, rivers flowing with blood, and ultimately, the death of all Smurfs. But it was such a nice day, and Baker Smurf baked the ultra delicious Smurfberry Cream Pie, assisted with the still lovely Rachael Ray Smurfette. There was plenty for everybody, and all gathered around with a jolly smile as they shared this remarkable pie in joyful celebration. Except for Religious Freak Smurf, who lurked outside peeking into the window, declaring that they were all doomed… and Jokey Smith showing symptoms of the Anti-Smurf, staring at Religious Freak Smurf, determined to make his words prophetic.

81. Japandroids
"The Nights of Wine and Roses"  4:04
Celebration Rock
Vancouver, BC, Canada

Papa Smurf was still lying awake in bed, eyes twitching as he stared blankly into the sky. Meanwhile, outside, the party did not stop with the pie. Lush Smurfette entered and bought everybody a round of shots—The Knot 100 Proof Irish Whiskey nonetheless. All The Smurfs downed the shots, downed another, and joints and pills were being passed around. They took the party out into the streets of Smurf Village where Harmony Smurf and Smurfette were hosting loud music. It was a wild party in the streets that lasted until dawn… because the end was nearing and they had nothing else to live for.

80. BadBadNotGood
"Rotten Decay"  6:32
BBNG2
Toronto, ON, Canada

Smurfette was sitting in her room sad, sobbing, deeply hurt and upset that Jokey Smurf raped her. She thought they were friends; “I knew him my whole life… boo hoo hoo.” “Girl,” said one of the members of The Smashing Smurfettes Roller Derby team, “you shouldn’t get sad about this. Naw honey, you need to MAD, not sad. Oh girl, and I’d be pissed. See, us Roller Derby Smurfettes follow a different creed than you white girl Smurfettes. Smurfette, have you ever seen The Original Smurfs of Comedy? There’s this part by Smurfric The Entertainer where he talks about the hope creeds and the wish creeds and shit. White Girl Smurfettes have the hope creed, they hope nothing happens. As for me, shit, I wish Jokey Smurf would rape me, shit, that’d give me a reason to fuck that little shithead up! In fact, I’m pissed about it now.” It suddenly got dead silent in Smurfette’s bedroom as all the Roller Derby Smurfettes seemed to suddenly be plotting something. “You know what Smurfette, I’m glad Jokey Smurf raped you. That little mother fucker is gonna get it!”

79. My Sleeping Karma
"Eleusine Coracana"  7:38
Soma
Aschaffenburg, Germany

Smurfette tracked down Jokey Smurf and confronted him… even knowing that he was the much prophesized 3rd Anti-Smurf, the one who could destroy everything. “Jokey Smurf,” she said sweetly and playfully, “I have a bone to pick with you.” Jokey started to make some snide comments but Smurfette stopped him and moved in closer. “Jokey! You didn’t do a very good job last night Jokey Smurf. I didn’t think you were a premature ejaculator.” She rubbed her tight ass up against Jokey’s crotch and then put her arms around him, kissed his neck, and then spoke with a sexy voice in his ear, “You see Jokey, I like to get fucked ALL… NIGHT… LONG. So, you should come back to my place and let my lavish that big cock of yours for a lot longer.” Jokey immediately got excited, laughed his laugh, and followed Smurfette back to her place. The entire trip back to her place, she teased him with glances down her shirt, fondled him, and talked dirty to him.

78. Pinkish Black
"Against The Door"  5:59
Pinkish Black
Fort Worth, TX

Back at her place, she let her hair down and shook her breasts at him. She kicked off her heels and brushed her bare foot on Jokey’s crotch. He was bursting with excitement and watched lustfully as Smurfette slowly pulled down her panties and spread her legs. “Jokey, I want you to eat my pussy. I like that Jokey.” Jokey dropped to his knees and buried his face in Smurfettes vagina; she moaned, grabbed his head, and squeezed her thighs into his face. The moment she squeezed her legs together, her pussy exploded like one of his own presents right into his face. However, this wasn’t one of his presents; this was a chemical explosion that caused a severe reaction to those with the components of an Anti-Smurf. Jokey Smurf’s head caught on fire and face was melting as he ran outside of Smurfette’s mushroom screaming in agony. Once he got outside, The Smashing Smurfettes ambushed him and stomped him into the ground, repeatedly kicking him, stomping him, and beating Jokey Smurf until he was dead with blood pouring out of his ears. After he was dead, they poured Smurfoline on him and burned the body so there would be no chance of the Anti-Smurf ever returning.

77. Pharaoh Overlord
"Rodent"  10:44
Lunar Jetman
Pori, Finland

Papa Smurf continued to lie frozen in his bed, looking extremely horrified as he stared at the ceiling with his eyes eerily opened. “Help me,” he murmured. The same vision kept recurring over and over again; a door opening and water pouring in from an unknown source. He felt himself gasp for air, and when he came up, the two twin Smurfettes appeared in front of him, giggling. It was similar to The Shining, except it wasn’t blood pouring from a hotel room; it was water, just plain water. And, it was coming from everywhere, flooding the village, drowning all The Smurfs… could it have been the dam finally collapsed? Every night, Papa Smurf was plagued with the same series of nightmares; every morning, he awoke to the twin Smurfettes standing at his bedside. This dream was never going to stop. But, this morning, the twins faded. Resting by the fireplace was The Great Wizard’s wooden pole. What the fuck is that doing here, a startled Papa Smurf asked to himself.

76. Hypomanie
"Pale Blue"  8:20
Calm Down, You Weren't Set On Fire
Arnhem, Netherlands

The 3rd Anti-Smurf had been conquered, but there was still a dark sensation creeping in the air. However, with The Smashing Smurfettes, Smurf Village felt as if they could defeat anything. There was never any need to worry about anything because now the ability to destroy the roots of all evil. And that’s when they saw it approaching…Gargamel.

Gargamel even seemed to be acting weird. He was reaching for things that weren’t even there. He was talking wildly to himself. He was stark raving mad. He was stoned as fuck from freebasing homemade Smurfettes for the past week and a half. Now, his addiction had spun wildly out of control and he was losing grips on reality. There was something about the effects of freebasing Smurfettes that was unlike any other drug. It was intense with hallucinations and truthfully, Gargamel had no fucking idea where the fuck he even was. Prior to being spotted by The Smurfs, he was praying to God to get him through this and he will give up freebasing Smurfettes forever.

But, his hallucinations were growing more disturbing and intensifying. The world around him was flickering, it appeared he was standing i fire, and there were people lurking in the forest that weren’t even there. A demonic clown had been chasing him, but it turned into a ferocious hippopotamus, and then proceeded to speak to him…outlying all of the problems with his pathetic existence… Gargamel could not even stand to look at himself. He was stumbling through the forest when he spotted The Smurfs, who were instinctively afraid of him. This time, however, Gargamel was even more afraid of The Smurfs as he froze, stared at them all, and then screamed in terror… running away as fast as he could, petrified of the little Smurfs.

Then, The Smashing Smurfettes felt it was now time to rid the world of all evil. They conjured together and began plotting ways to perish Gargamel once and for all.








Top Left Image by: The Shining, directed by Stanley Kubrick; image from MoviePicturesDB
Top Right Image by: Smurflove
Bottom Left by: Also from The Shining (common image)
Bottom Right by: Created and designed by Tony J. Neal

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