2012/12/05

2012: The Smurf Apocalypse

The Best Songs of 2012 + 2012: The Smurf Apocalypse
Chapter 1: The Death of Papa Smurf's Generation
Chapter 2: The Smurfettes
Chapter 3: The Rise of the 3rd Anti-Smurf
Chapter 4: Beauty + Love = Macabre Prophecies
Chapter 5: Prelude… The World Ended Before it Began
Chapter 6: Finale: The Great Smurf Apocalypse

Chapter I: The Death of Papa Smurf's Generation


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.




2012…. The year in which the world was supposedly going to end… again. We have decided to run with this cliché theme and make the best songs of 2012 the official soundtrack to a sad tragic tale of the world coming to an end. However, this particular apocalypse happens to be set in the Smurf Village. So set the control dial of your sense of humor to “warped as humanly possible” for the final episode of The Smurfs—because, let’s face it, The Smurfs are not real people, and therefore, we do not give a flying fuck what happens to their little blue monkey asses.

150. Lower Dens
"Propagation"  5:00
Nootropics
Baltimore, MD

Catastrophe among The Smurfs is actually nothing new for it is noticeably obvious that Papa Smurf is the only Smurf in the village within his age demographic. What the fuck happened to all the rest of The Smurfs Papa Smurf’s age? The answer to that question was never quite clear and the cause of this dilemma has been debated extensively by both scientists and religion fundamentalists across the globe; speculation over these various concepts have created heated arguments that have erupted into massive bar fights with intense bloodshed, families have been divided, and wars have been fought as theorists have become so outraged over the iconic prophet that is Papa Smurf that they have been willing to drop assault missiles on civilians who have not adopted their exact same mentality pertaining to the significance of the mysterious disappearance of Papa Smurf’s people.

149. Perfume Genius
"Normal Song"  3:13
Put Your Back N 2 It
Seattle, WA

One episode of The Smurfs revealed that Papa Smurf was over the age of 500 and the other Smurfs seemed shocked that he was so young—as if they know the average lifespan of a common Smurf. That left Papa Smurf wandering around lonely for possibly hundreds of years, and more than likely traumatized over the near extinction of his race. Although he did manage to become an admirable magician during this time of solitude, this period was also coupled with a great degree of sadness. The entire Smurf Village was erected, and the rest of The Smurfs created, just to fill the void of loneliness that plagued Papa Smurf.

148. Sleigh Bells
"End Of The Line"  3:38
Reign Of Terror
New York, NY

All of his friends were dead… including his beautiful blue wife who looked even better than Smurfette back in the day (she had even posed in the popular men’s magazine Playsmurf). After she died, a sorrowful Papa Smurf kissed her goodbye, rolled her dead body into the river and watched her float away downstream with eyes full of blue tears. She was all he had left, and after she perished, that left the Smurf population at 1.

147. Lawrence Arabia
"Lick Your Wounds"  3:30
The Sparrow
Christchurch, New Zealand/London, England

Having potentially endured the worst possible outcome for his people, Papa Smurf displayed the most triumphant display of perseverance in The History of The Universe. Papa Smurf did not surrender during his span of loneliness; instead he started an entire new Smurf Village and created the ultimate Smurf race living harmoniously in a kingdom of mushrooms. Because of this, Papa Smurf became a God-like iconic religious cult figure, and speaking falsely of his previous lifestyle was dangerous. Bibles had been written, and a slogan was enacted and placed on numerous items considered worthy of praise: “In Papa Smurf We Trust.”

146. The School
"Some Day My Heart Will Beat Again"  2:20
Reading Too Much Into Things Like Everything
Caerdydd, Wales

The fact that Papa Smurf is an expert magician leads many to believe that the rest of The Smurfs were merely created by some sort of magical potion. However, there also exists the notion that somewhere along the lines there was another Smurfette. They were once lovers and Papa Smurf took her back to his mushroom and smurfed her like the little blue bearded porn star that he is. Unfortunately, Annabelle Smurf soon grew tired of Papa Smurf’s shit, and him always fucking around with magic potions in the kitchen while she was attempting to do something more worthwhile with the decorations. Finally, she decided that there was nothing here for her, gathered up all the Smurfettes, and dumped Papa Smurf once and for all… running off to a different village altogether.

145. White Lung
"Those Girls"  2:05
Sorry
Vancouver, BC, Canada

However, as popularized by the cartoon, upon creation, there were no women in the village. But, when Smurfette came along, all of the male Smurfs became excited and attempted numerous ploys to get her into the bedroom so that they could Smurf her. This dismissed any notion that they were all homosexuals, and the fact that Papa Smurf was even trying to get himself some of that hot young blue snatch raised a multitude of questions about Papa Smurf’s sexuality. The only thing that became apparent was that in actuality, Papa Smurf was one of these creepy old Smurfs who kept magazines such as Barely Legal floating around his mushroom.

144. Mothlite
"Red Rook"  5:22
Dark Age
London, England

Should we believe that Papa Smurf created the entire Smurf Village by means of magic, due to the fact that the race he created all looked the same and was named specifically with adjectives, some experts view this act as a deplorable example of racial profiling and accusations have risen that Papa Smurf is a blue supremacist. This leads us to believe that the disappearance of Papa Smurf’s people may have been an act of ethnic cleansing. We like to believe that Papa Smurf is the almighty good, and perhaps the blue Smurfs were rounded up, placed in camps, and executed. However, we do not know who committed the genocide, and it is possible that Papa Smurf led a battalion that completely wiped out an entire race of Red Smurfs, who fought until death and nearly took the blue ones out with him.

143. Efterklang
"Lion"  2:24
Piramida
Copenhagen, Denmark/Berlin, Germany

During the span of approximately 500 years, the list of possibilities as to what exactly happened to Papa Smurf’s generation is limitless. A lot has happened over those 500 years as we can accurately trace Papa Smurf’s birth to the 1400’s. Possibilities could include anything from the village being conquered by the crusaders to they all died at sea en route to the new world. On the contrary, since we have no evidence whatsoever that The Smurfs dwelled any place other than Belgium or America, albeit neighboring one sole human whose influence remains entrenched in the Middle Ages, it’s difficult to fathom that they may have been killed in Germany by the Nazis or eaten by seagulls on an island in the Caribbean. It is believed that Gargamel moved from Belgium to The United States in the 80’s in a quest to find The Smurfs.

142. Wolfbrigade
"Road To Dreams"  3:49
Damned
Stockholm, Sweden

Cubby Glentletoad, a historian out of Chicago, claims The Smurfs never had a significantly high population. However, during the rise of the mob in Chicago, Papa Smurf had numerous affiliations with the Chicago crime bosses and was even operating a Speakeasy just outside of downtown. The Smurfs were seated at a table in the basement, smoking cigarettes and playing cards, when a hit man emerged with a Tommy Gun and opened fire on The Smurfs. It was commonly referred to as The Labor Day Smurfland Massacre as armed gunmen fired rounds of bullets into the unsuspecting nightclub and killing all of The Smurfs… except for one… Papa Smurf who was ducked down underneath a table and was soon surrounded by little blue bodies lying on the floor with blood spilling from the bullet holes in their little heads… that’s why they wear those hats now.

141. U.S. Girls
"Slim Baby"  2:40
GEM
Chicago, IL/Philadelphia, PA

Other historians believe there was once a significant population of Smurfs residing in America and they flourished happily in the woods until the 30’s through the 50’s. Due to their size, they were unable to operate automobiles and were not easily spotted by commuters. Since the little bastards had no knowledge that motorized vehicle was even invented, The Smurfs were getting plugged down by cars left and right on the freeways. One couldn’t drive even one mile without seeing a dead Smurf flattened on the side of the road, and often drivers would complain about Smurfs smashing into the windshield and dirtying up the window. They had even invented a product called “Smurf Off” that would easily remove Smurf stains from the window.

140. Halls
"White Chalk"  4:56
Ark
London, England

In 1786, much of the world was stricken with a drought that lasted years. The Smurf Village resulted into shriveled up mushrooms that were unable to remain upright in the sand. Severe famine finally overwhelmed the community as images were displayed depicting little skinny malnourished Smurfs suffering in gloomy settings of desolation with flies buzzing around their heads. Back in those days, people were unable to donate money and adopt one of the starved little Smurfs and they all succumbed to death and starvation; that is except Papa Smurf, who was able to survive because he resorted to cannibalism.

139. Nick Waterhouse
"Say I Wanna Know"  4:10
Time's All Gone
Los Angeles, CA

Many believe all of Papa Smurf’s friends and family got eaten by a cat. Azrael did consider The Smurfs to be a pleasant treat and he somehow had to have known how they tasted. Their greatest adventure consisted of escaping one portion of the woods, which was patrolled by Azrael, Thomas, and a few other cats, to establish a Smurf Village in a remote location of the forest. Unfortunately, they were not entirely successful as Azrael was a skilled hunter and frequently pounced on an unsuspecting Smurf and ate it the same way cats eat various other creatures. Papa Smurf was determined to outwit the cats and eventually made it to the other forest with only a few remaining wounded Smurfs who eventually died off by other means (many of them had missing limbs and deep scars) (but after reproducing first.)

138. Zelienople
"The Real Devil"  4:37
The World Is a House on Fire
Chicago, IL

One theory deals with the notion that none of the other Smurfs are able to perform magic… just Papa Smurf. That led people to question exactly where Papa Smurf was able to learn this magic, particularly since there are no other Smurfs his age. On that note, it is increasingly obvious that Papa Smurf sold his soul to the devil in order to have magical powers. However, in exchange for the ability to perform magic, the Lord Satan also granted Papa Smurf eternal life as all the other Smurfs were sacrificed in a Satanic ritual.

137. Andrew Bird
"Eyeoneye"  4:07
Break It Yourself
Chicago, IL

Like so many other species do, many experts including today’s leading scientific researchers, psychiatrists, anthropologists, and even three managers from the local Pick ‘N’ Save suggest that the demise of Papa Smurf’s generation was the result of self-destruction. There were rumors that many of The Smurfs suffered from addictions to crack, heroin, and various other drugs that grew in the forest they previously resided. During this period, The Smurf Village was stricken with crime, there was graffiti on all the mushrooms, and Smurfs could be seen sitting on urban steps smurfing a needle into their arms. Most of them died by means of drug overdose or the self-mutilation tactics as result of no longer caring or being able to function. Papa Smurf eventually left the crack addicts of that neighborhood and started his own commune in the forest.

136. Jack White
"Freedom At 21"  2:52
Blunderbuss
Detroit, MI/Nashville, TN

Because Papa Smurf was the only Smurf with a beard, some scientists believe that The Smurfs were unable to survive the harsh winter of 1643. The great blizzard brought massive amounts of snowfall, high winds, and temperatures in the negative 60’s. Most of the homes were destroyed and The Smurfs were left without power or shelter. There were disturbing images of frozen Smurfs stiff in a chair or gasping their last visible breath with a stone white face as they dropped dead to the ground. Papa Smurf only survived because of the beard. However, some believe that The Smurfs used to be white, but the freeze caused his pigmentation to turn blue. Also, all of the remaining Smurfs are actually the same age as Papa Smurf, but were merely preserved and frozen for hundreds of years, and returned to life when they finally thawed.

135. The Shins
"Simple Song"  4:15
Port of Morrow
Albuquerque, NM/Portland, OR

The most frequently perceived method of extinction of Papa Smurf’s people is simply a good old fashioned forest fire. However, many have speculated that it might have been a culprit from the same gene pool that spawned Clumsy Smurf that ignited the fire. Regardless of the cause, the blaze spread through the forest and burned the entire Smurf Village to the ground. Sadly, many little blue Smurfs could be seen running through the forest completely engulfed in flames while screaming in agony the entire way. Papa Smurf survived because he happened to be vacationing in Napa Valley during the time of the fire. When he returned, he found nothing but the burnt remains of Smurf Village with many Smurfs still smoldering in blackened ashes.

134. Who Made Who
"Below The Cherry Moon"  4:55
Brighter
Copenhagen, Denmark

Hunters and poachers nearly wiped out the entire Smurf population. Unfortunately, many of the reasons for this were unethical. Many hunters would shoot and kill innocent Smurfs simply to mount their heads on their walls as trophies; these people claimed to be master marksmen. Also, many elements of capitalist society found a few uses for Smurf Oil—that it was an effective and tasty way to lubricate Teflon pans for non-stick cooking. Scarves lined with Smurf skin became an elegant luxury enamored by the same disgraceful losers who think furs and diamonds are anything special. People would perch themselves in a tree and await the unsuspecting Smurf to be frolicking happy through the forest, and then shoot the defenseless creature point blank in the head.

133. Astra
"Quake Meat"  6:40
The Black Chord
San Diego, CA

There is no evidence whatsoever that Smurfs came from Earth. For all anybody knows, all of the rest of Papa Smurf’s generation is still alive and living on a Smurf Planet from the Smurf Galaxy. The Smurfs came from Outer Space but were merely stranded on Earth because Clumsy Smurf was texting some Smurfette hoe while he was trying to operate the space cruiser. They were completely lost on the planet and Smurf Village was a temporary retreat until the other Smurfs flew in from Smurf Galaxy to rescue them.

132. Black Moth
"Banished But Blameless"  5:15
The Killing Jar
Leeds, England

Diseases have been the cause of massive losses of human life and The Smurfs are no exception. When the Bubonic Plague spread through their magical kingdom, Smurfs were constantly seen crawling on the ground, coughing, vomiting, and blood streaming from their eyes. Black Death had a radical effect on The Smurfs as most of them became delirious and stricken with extreme lunacy and rage. Fortunately, Papa Smurf was able to develop a remedy using his potions, but not before it was too late. Most of them died, but he was able to save some of the children. He then moved them all into a field of mushrooms so that they would no longer run the risk of being infected with Black Death.

131. Pigs
"Small C Celebrity"  4:44
You Ruin Everything
New York, NY

When The Smurfs were initially created, there were significantly more adjectives than the basic ones that remained today. Among those was also Diabolical Serial Killer Smurf, although it was not determined that he was “The Chosen One” until it was too late. His presence alone was scary and he possessed disturbing powers that caused freaky fatal occurrences to happen whenever he was troubled. Furthermore, he would often prowl around the forest at night with a knife, or drag Smurfettes back to his mushroom and dismember them with chainsaws. Papa Smurf finally recognized that Diabolical Serial Killer Smurf was cursed with the smurf of the beast underneath his white cap. Knowing that he was battling the source of evil that was destined to destroy the entire planet, the grace of God blessed Papa Smurf with magical abilities, and the demon was disintegrated by an exploding Christmas present.

130. Wizard Rifle
"Tears Won't Soften Steel"  6:24
Speak Loud Say Nothing
Portland, OR

Not all theories paint a glossy photo of Papa Smurf’s past however. In fact, some of them are so tarnished that it would seem that Papa Smurf himself might be Satan. Some believe that he was cast out of the original Smurf Village and in an act of revenge, he retaliated by just totally smurfing the living shit out of Smurf Village. After most of the kingdom was destroyed, he rounded up 100 Smurfs and took them hostage. Smurf Village as we know it is but a prison camp and all of The Smurfs are slaves who are subject to frequent abuse by Papa Smurf—the demon slave holder who whips The Smurfs and forces them to work diligently, non-stop, building that dam.

129. Bear In Heaven
"Sweetness & Sickness"  6:15
I Love You, It's Cool
New York, NY

A series of unfortunate disasters spelled doom for The Smurfs. While they were in Belgium, a series of mudslides claimed many Smurf lives and ruined their homes. These mudslides were occurring every few months, and finally the little bastards wizened up smurfed the fuck out of there. However, the next location for Smurf Village happened to be near a live volcano and it erupted—molten lava perished away their Village and killed several Smurfs in the process. They fled once again, this time near the Ocean, but this Village was ravaged by a Level 4 Hurricane. This was when they decided to cross the Ocean, the Pacific Ocean, and they immigrated to America… San Francisco. In San Francisco, The Smurfs found much happiness… that is until an Earthquake that shook 8.3 on the Richter scale leveled their entire village. In order to get away from everything, they traveled east and ended up in a desolate region of Kansas… where a massive tornado destroyed their homes, killed most, and sent the rest to the land of Oz… only Papa Smurf remained. Papa Smurf recognized a massive flood still remains on the list and that’s why he is so Hell bent on maintaining that dam.

128. Royal Baths
"Black Sheep"  5:34
Better Luck Next Life
San Francisco, CA

Back in the early days, Smurfs were considered annoying pests. They would enter inside people’s homes and help themselves to food in their pantries. People who had Smurfs in their homes were considered dirty and utterly disgusting; the sight of a Smurf scared the living shit out of bimbo white girls. It reached the point where people were setting Smurf traps to kill the unwanted parasites that were causing a massive drop in their sanitary ratings. Exterminators would enter establishments and spray Smurficide chemicals around the corridors and kill off all The Smurfs dwelling inside—many of them would twitch and suffer violent convulsions while dying slowly from exposure to the chemicals—just like mice and insects do today. Only but a few Smurfs remained, outside in the forest, away from everybody, not bothering a single person, when a couple of white people spotted them and the douchy bro (at the request of the frightened bimbo) chased them down and stomped on all of them. Being the sole survivor and angered by the belligerence, Papa Smurf turned the fat roly poly douchy bro into Gargamel and his stupid girlfriend into Azrael.

127. Aaron Dilloway
"Shatter All Organized Activities (Eat The Rich)"  9:03
Modern Jester
Oberlin, OH

To counter that theory, Nobel winning scientist turned Pep Boy’s Mechanic Archiwaldo Rovioloiarez offered the theory that due to their size, The Smurfs were quite possibly victims of insect infestation themselves. There are disturbing elements in the forest, and Papa Smurf was out in the woods suffering the effects of a bad acid trip. His best friend happened to be lying on the ground covered in ants. It was a terrifying encounter in those woods as the insect population increased significantly that year. One Smurf was pounced on by a humungous green grasshopper, another Smurf was disposed of in the clutches of the mouth of a beetle, Coffee maker Smurf fell victim to a swarm of locusts, Compulsive Liar Smurf was attacked by a praying mantis, and Anxiety Stricken Smurf fell into a hornet’s nest. It wasn’t just insects either—also shit that reminds people of insects… Welfare Recipient Smurf was last seen with a centipede crawling over him, Religion Fanatic Smurf was stung by a scorpion, and Gun Toting Smurf was captured in a spider web.

126. Oneida
"A List of the Burning Mountains"  19:36
A List of the Burning Mountains
New York, NY

And finally, that leads us to the most commonly accepted theory pertaining to The Death of Papa Smurf’s Generation and the one backed with the most sufficient evidence in the series… Mankind.

In the episodes of The Smurfs, human beings are represented entirely with only one person—Gargamel. This is obviously not a positive depiction of the human race.

Through the eyes of The Smurfs, human beings are ugly, poorly dressed, quite lonesome, abusive to animals, filthy, dirty, stupid, lack intellectual consistency, usage of power only for evil, corrupted by this power, and, of course, suffering from a multitude of psychological eating disorders.

During all of The Smurf episodes, Gargamel never has a visitor. Furthermore, Gargamel never has any interaction with females, which may have construed his perception of women (more of this in Chapter 2…The Smurfettes). He appears to have no family or no friends. Despite this obvious lack of social interaction, Gargamel is blessed with magical powers rivaled only by Papa Smurf. Rather than utilize these magical gifts for something more constructive and useful, such as maybe scoring some decent clothes and finally getting laid, or putting a triumphant end to the ongoing Palestinian-Israeli conflict, Gargamel is downright obsessed with food… Smurfs, and eating Smurfs.

Periodically throughout The Smurf’s episodes, Gargamel refers to The Smurfs as “yummy” or “tasty”. There doesn’t appear to be any genuine hatred for The Smurfs, mother fucker just wants to eat the God damn things non-stop (sometimes, however, the greedy prick wants to turn them into gold). During this process, all active minds, and all critical thinkers have asked, “Why is it that Gargamel is so obsessed with eating Smurfs?” Also, we have to ask, “How does Gargamel know that Smurfs tast yummy?” Lastly, we should also note that despite his obsession with eating, Gargamel really isn’t that fat.

To look at this matter objectively, we may also draw the conclusion that maybe The Smurfs do taste genuinely good. Also, due to the fact that Gargamel isn’t as obese as consumers of many other foods, and the fact the old man can still run relatively fast, it may be perceived that Smurfs provide excellent nutritional value and possibly even an extensive array of antioxidants. But, the tragic realization of the matter is the two questions that coincide with one another provide the answers to each.

“What happened to rest of The Smurfs in Papa Smurf’s age bracket?”

“How exactly does Gargamel know that Smurfs taste yummy.”

Before finally escaping to a desolate region of the forest where nobody on Earth could find them, supermarkets thrived with Smurf sales. They had Smurf in a can, fresh Smurfs on Styrofoam trays wrapped in plastic sold by the pound, microwaveable Smurf, and a multitude of Smurf recipes that would have been a hit on the Rachael Ray show (perhaps Gargamel is attempting to capture The Smurfs so that he may win the love of the ever-so-beautiful, hot, ultra-sexy knockout Rachael Ray! (picture those two fucking.)).

Some people enjoyed putting Smurfs through the meat grinder, making them into patties, and cooking them on the grill. Others enjoyed the gourmet flavor of Smurf Soup augmented with savory red peppers and braised asparagus. Great chefs from around the world would slice off the Smurf’s head, put a slit down the body, and filet the best part of Smurf Steak—wrapped in bacon. But, the real treat, and the real crowd pleaser… you take The Frozen Smurf, and dip it in chocolate, put whipped cream on the little blue head, a cherry on top, and enjoy the summery frozen treat… the cream filling in the middle is Smurfalicious… Yum-o!








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