2012/12/05

2012 Chapter II: The Smurfettes

The Best Songs of 2012 + 2012: The Smurf Apocalypse
Chapter 1: The Death of Papa Smurf's Generation
Chapter 2: The Smurfettes
Chapter 3: The Rise of the 3rd Anti-Smurf
Chapter 4: Beauty + Love = Macabre Prophecies
Chapter 5: Prelude… The World Ended Before it Began
Chapter 6: Finale: The Great Smurf Apocalypse

Chapter II: The Smurfettes


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.



125. The Inner Banks
"Sketch"  5:14
Wild
New York, NY

The original Smurf Village (as it pertains to the cartoon series) consisted entirely of male Smurfs, with each of them named with adjectives—such as Lazy, Handy, Brainy, etc. However, there became only one Smurfette. Furthermore, she wasn’t even given an adjective, simply labeled by the fact that she was a woman. This could imply that according to The Smurfs, all women are exactly the same. Or, at least they should meet the requirements of the Smurfette role model in order to be accepted.

124. Burning Hearts
"Trade Winds"  4:09
Extinctions
Finland

Smurfette was not even conceived by The Smurfs—she was created by Gargamel. However, the Smurfette that became most popular was, indirectly, created by The Smurfs… through a series of self-depreciation and some Papa Smurf magic. When she was originally created, she had black hair, was not overly ladylike, and only sent to Smurf Village to corrupt the male Smurfs. In order to make her a “good” Smurfette, she had to be transformed into a blonde, with a pretty dress (all the other Smurfs were topless), and high heels.

123. The Luyas
"Face"  5:25
Animator
Montreal, QC, Canada

In general, when a person asks a series of questions pertaining to a potentially controversial subject, it will eventually lead to disturbing answers that were kept secluded for obvious reasons. For the most part, all major disturbing elements of the world had been created to satisfy the hungers of the three: businessmen, bankers, and politicians. Throughout history, those three categories have been dominated by the male species; those three have basically corrupted the entire world. However, rather than take the responsibility for themselves, the male commerce seekers have traced the root of all evil back to a fabricated wise tale in order to pin the blame on somebody else… women. The world is only corrupted because a woman accepted a gift from Satan. It is partially true, but the world has been corrupted by men, and in turn, men have corrupted women by enticing them with luxurious gifts.

122. Allo Darlin'
"Capricornia"  4:31
Europe
London, England

According to legend, the snake was Satan, and Eve was a pure soul whose major flaw was the inability to resist temptation as a result of being gullible or too easily misled—she was spawned from Adam’s rib, what the fuck do you expect? According to many people in today’s standards, women who do not behave in the typical girly fashion are potentially evil and do not behave with the standards according to the Lord. What a major contradiction this is. If the snake was indeed Lucifer, and the purpose of the serpent was to tempt a pure soul with precious gifts, and the flaw of Eve was the fact that she accepted the generous offers… should one wish to lead the life of “good” according to the Bible… that would mean that businessmen, bankers, and politicians are the snakes (Satan if you will), and women who marry for the money (women who follow the general guidelines as to what a woman (Smurfette) is supposed to be…trophy wives, gold diggers) display the exact same symptoms as Eve who allegedly corrupted the entire world. Therefore, no kiss should begin with Kay, and strong-willed independent women are the ones truly representing good.

121. Blackfeet Braves
"Misery Loves Company"  4:32
Blackfeet Braves
San Diego, CA

Any person with at least moderate intellectual capability knows it was not the woman that corrupted the world. The real culprit was money (and in some degree, money (albeit a precious apple) corrupted Eve). The Smurfs did not ever establish a system of currency and therefore were considered relatively equal among society (although Papa Smurf held some authoritative powers). If Gargamel really wanted to corrupt Smurf Village properly, he would have done so with the power of money and should have created Banker Smurf instead of Smurfette. However, Gargamel was a white male human, and he was already so corrupted with the quest of currency (he even wished to turn some of the Smurfs into gold) that he was extremely jaded to the fact that it was his own poison that was the cause of the downfall of man.

120. La Sera
"Love That's Gone"  3:39
Sees the Light
Los Angeles, CA

Another strong indication that corrupted men are even stupider than we could ever realized is based on the mere notion that Gargamel created Smurfette. The fact that this asshole had the ability to manufacture his own Smurfs should have solved everything. After he made Smurfette, he should have simply tossed her into the microwave and ate her. He could have cloned a multitude of Smurfettes and turned them into enough gold to buy Fort Knox. Hell, if he really wanted to be king, he could have made her his exact same size and fucked Smurfette if he really wanted to (I bet then, the bad girl one would have suddenly had a lot more appeal).

119. Iamamiwhoami
"In Due Order"  3:24
Kin
Linköping, Sweden

That idea is when things began spinning wildly out of control. Realizing that he hadn’t had any pussy in going on 26 years, Gargamel created the life size Rachael Ray Smurfette… and fucked her in his kitchen. Unfortunately, Gargamel was never popular with the ladies, never was around any women, had clue how independent people operated, fucked up the entire process, and before too long, Rachael Ray Smurfette drew the conclusion that Gargamel’s cock was not Yum-O! at all. She beat the mother fucker over the head with a frying pan and stormed out of the castle.

118. Violens
"Sariza Spring"  3:43
True
New York, NY

When Rachael Ray Smurfette reached Smurf Village, she was not only significantly larger than the rest of The Smurfs, she was significantly larger than normal. Because Gargamel had worn out that ass a few times without protection or pulling out, Rachael Ray Smurfette was pregnant. She related the tale as to how she beat the piss out of Gargamel and wished to become a member of The Smurf Village. The other Smurfs were reluctant at first because she did in fact come from Gargamel, and there were some initial complications with the original Smurfette (who, by the way, automatically referred to Rachael Ray Smurfette as a dumb slut). However, Papa Smurf recalled the magical components that made Smurfette good, and agreed to accept her after the ritual was performed. Brainy Smurf intervened first by stating, “First thing we got to do is shrink this bitch… because Papa Smurf always says…” Still holding an extreme size advantage and not willing to tolerate being referred to as a “bitch” by this loser, she grabbed Brainy Smurf and tossed that little cock sucker right into the streets; she was immediately heralded and fit right in with her new peers.

117. Grimes
"Symphonia IX (My Wait Is U)"  4:52
Visions
Montréal, QC, Canada

Papa Smurf’s magic worked wonders… even better than expected. Her pregnancy was a major success as she gave birth to 100 Smurfettes and all of them came out fully grown (because, let’s face it—it’s the God damn Smurfs and nobody wants to deal with a bunch of screaming, crying, dirty ass kids, and we sure as fuck don’t wish to go through adolescence with the Apocalypse approaching). They were able to shrink her, but Rachael Ray Smurfette and the other Smurfettes were slightly taller than the regular Smurfs.

116. Soko
"People Always Look Better in the Sun (Part 1)"  2:19
I Thought I Was an Alien
Paris, France

Much to Rachael Ray Smurfette’s pleasure, most of the Smurfettes turned out brilliant, beautiful, and independent minded. Finally, Smurf Village had a strong feminist representation, and the women were named with more adjectives than just one mere Smurfette. However, not all was perfect. Gargamel was, in fact, the father of these children, and some of them came out less than desirable. One example was Shitty Folk Singer Smurfette, who got on everybody’s nerves every night, and eventually surpassed Brainy Smurf for the Smurf who was most frequently thrown out into the street.

115. Family Band
"Moonbeams"  4:57
Grace & Lies
New York, NY

Even though they were not wild and crazy, some of The Smurfettes were considered unruly by some standards. They would disappear into the forest for prolonged periods of time just to smurf water bongs, discuss philosophical topics, and masturbate in excess. Some of the women seemed deeply disturbed by something and there was a degree of despair as some aspects of life in Smurf Village just plainly sucked. A few of them grew upset with their relationships with the boy Smurfs, and many of them sought a more suitable lifestyle because they felt as if they shouldn’t have to be bothered with Gargamel; also were distraught with the fact that their own father was a deadbeat.

114. Wild Nothing
"The Blue Dress"  3:30
Nocturne
Blacksburg, VA

Many of the Smurfettes took a liking to Greedy Smurf (and/or Baker Smurf for Greedy Smurf was only interested in pastries, not money) or Vanity Smurf. However, it turned out that neither Greedy nor Vanity had too much sexual interest in any of the Smurfettes and spent most of their time associating with Fag Hag Smurfette. Fag Hag Smurfette was genuinely liked by the rest of the community, and as a result Vanity and Greedy became more accepted. She would frequently get drunk with the two and make out with both of them, until the day finally came when Vanity and Greedy ignored her and made out with each other. This was awkward to The Smurfs at first, but most of them were not only happy for them because they seemed happy, but because they were relieved knowing they wouldn’t be “playas” to the rest of The Smurfettes.

113. The XX
"Swept Away"  4:59
Coexist
London, England

That dam was always problematic in the Smurf Village, especially when newly arrived Smurfettes entered the village. The original bad Smurfette fucked with some of the structure and the dam sprung a leak and nearly wiped out the village. Most of the other Smurfettes found some use in working on the dam, but Ditzy Smurfette was another problem altogether. She simply fell off of the dam and into the river; she was washed away down the river and drowned. They found her floating face down in the water well past Gargamel’s place.

112. Beach House
"Other People"  4:25
Bloom
Baltimore, MD

One of The Smurfettes had no definitive characteristics whatsoever and was simply named Not Really Anything Smurfette. She wasn’t exactly like Hipster Smurfette, but had some similar styles; she wasn’t Preppy Smurfette, but not Trailer Trash Smurfette either—although she bore some similarities to both. Not Really Anything Smurfette didn’t seem to have much personality, and even when she was pretending to be nice or enthusiastic it came off as awkward. It was difficult to determine what exactly she stood for as she seemed to support everything and nothing at the same time. Her favorite band was Beach House who fit her perfectly. She was kinda hot though.

111. Lee Fields
"Moonlight Mile"  3:38
Faithful Man
Wilson, NC

Porno Slut Smurfette became a popular commodity and she was even awarded her own shop. To prevent any sort of jealousy, as Porno Slut Smurfette had no interest whatsoever in a relationship, the other Smurfs would call and make an appointment with her… similar to visits with Barber Smurf. Her work schedule was extremely busy at first, as her Grand Opening saw pretty much every single Smurf in the village standing in line to enjoy 5 minutes of pure pampering. However, this tapered off slightly and it appeared Porno Slut Smurfette might be losing popularity. But, all was better when a major portion of her clientele became other Smurfettes. As a result, the male Smurfs would make appointments only to watch, and show a proud display of independent smurfing.

110. Orcas
"A Subtle Escape"  4:10
Orcas
Portland, OR/Seattle, WA

Several of The Smurfettes shared the same names as the male Smurfs and this created some beautiful relationships. With the invention of the water bong, a few of these wonderful companions would drift off into the serene settings of the forest; after a few hits of the killer Smurf, the serene settings became surreal settings. Dreamy Smurf and Dreamy Smurfette were able to conjure extraordinary places to visit; Poet Smurf and Poetic Smurfette wrote together about these bizarre scenarios the two of them would provide; and as a result of Harmony Smurfette and her dreamy soundscapes she was able to create, Harmony Smurf expanded his musicianship from more than just the trumpet. Wandering back to Smurf Village after an excursion of artistic creativity and brilliance, they asked Papa Smurf if it would be possible for David Lynch to move into Gargamel’s house.

109. Crocodiles
"Hung Up On a Flower"  6:36
Endless Flowers
San Diego, CA

Dumb White Girl Smurfette had a IQ of about 75, always had a stupid confused look on her face, possessed an annoying squeaky bimbo voice that uttered the word “like” in-between all of her cliché filled rants about nothing in general to Smurfs on the verge of committing suicide on the other end of her cell phone, and was so gullible that she was prone to fall for any pick-up line instilled upon her by Desperate Smurf. Unlike with the human race, where Dumb White Girls have multiplied at an alarming rate, because The Smurfs did not develop the concept of money, her father’s credit card was unable to purchase her special privileges and the dumb little twit eventually wandered off into the forest and was eaten by a cat.

108. Here We Go Magic
"How Do I Know"  4:30
A Different Ship
New York, NY

Material Smurfette had the similar addictive personality as Greedy Smurf. However, instead of constantly pursuing pastries and cakes, Material Smurfette had an infatuation with clothes. She opened an entire shopping mall full of stores with clothing stores, a Forever 21, Bebe, 2,417 different styles of shoes, and a multitude of various accessories. When the demand grew too high, especially around the Holidays, Material Smurfette adopted a bunch of little Chinese Children Smurfs to come over and make all of the clothes for her- often in poor working conditions. The clothes did make The Smurfettes look sexy, Bath and Body Smurfs made them smell good, and all that other shit worked wonders… but it confused intellectual Smurfs as to whether or not they genuinely liked these Smurfettes or if the attraction was merely sexual intensified by new designs and scents. Uh, one of Chinese Children Smurfs got eaten by a cat also; most of them longed to return to China where the working conditions weren't nearly as bad... the Pro-America propaganda bullshit grew old real fast too.

107. Soap&Skin
"Boat Turns Toward the Port"  3:03
Narrow
Wien, Austria

Sadly, not all of The Smurfettes survived. Life as a Smurf can be difficult—as we learned from The Death of Papa Smurf’s Generation. It was even more difficult knowing that they were prey to a few known predators. Constantly Pregnant Smurfette was a prime example. Even when she wasn’t pregnant, she still looked pregnant. All that belly fat might not look desirable to some of those in line at Porno Slut Smurfette’s shop, but to Azrael, she looked as appealing as a late night Denny’s does to a trucker. News of her disappearance was met with much despair, as a few other Smurfs and Smurfettes were also consumed by the vicious cat—their remains were often found hidden underneath leaves in little patches of sand. Depressed Emo Smurfette struggled with the hardships being a Smurf and committed suicide.

106. Mount Eerie
"The Place I Live"  5:59
Clear Moon
Anacortes, WA

Perhaps she should have waited. Lush Smurfette, who constantly drank The Knot 100 Proof Irish Whiskey straight out of the bottle, wandered out into the woods with Hippy Smurfette. The two were supposed to be working, but decided it would be fun to take a break and share each other’s fixes. Hippy Smurfette had a bag of quality marijuana and Lush Smurfette was carrying her bottle of The Knot wrapped in a brown paper bag. After smurfing a few hits of the weed, Lush Smurfette came down with a bad case of the spins, threw up, and then passed out. While she was waiting for her friend to regain consciousness, Hippy Smurfette sat next to a tree so that she could be at one with nature. Azrael spotted them, and moved in closer for the kill. He snuck up behind the unsuspecting Smurfette, and with his enhanced sense of smell, unwisely but instinctively decided to take a deep sniff of Hippy Smurfette before attacking. The awful stench caused the cat to gag and cough, and Azrael lost his appetite for Smurfs… he would never eat a Smurf ever again.

105. Chromatics
"Back From The Grave"  3:43
Kill for Love
Portland, OR

Housewife Smurfette was a throwback from Papa Smurf’s generation. She would come over to the other Smurf’s mushrooms and clean their houses, organize their closets, iron their clothes, and cook meals for them. Some people felt as if she was selling herself short while many other Smurfs longed for the day when she fill out an application at Porno Slut Smurfette’s shop and show up in a French Maid outfit. Also appealing to Papa Smurf was Hon Calling Waitress Smurfette, who referred to other Smurfs with pet names of endearment such as honey, baby, love, doll face, and all that sort of shit in order to generate better tips or to compete with Starved For Attention Smurfette. However, Pretentious Smurf (yes, there really is such a character) assumed this was directed solely towards him, got shitty with some of the other patrons, and a huge brawl erupted at the newly renovated Waffle House in Smurf Village.

104. Dark Dark Dark
"The Great Mistake"  5:28
Who Needs Who
Minneapolis, MN

Stalker Smurfette was completely neurotic and suffered from a multitude of serious issues. She went out on one date with Regular Joe Smurf and became obsessed with him. He awoke one night to find her peeking in his windows trying to break into his mushroom. In a state of fear, Regular Joe Smurf rose from his bed, and pushed the ladder from the window causing Stalker Smurfette to crash onto the ground. This caused a series of hardcore drinking episodes and a brief period of loathing both herself and Regular Joe Smurf. This lasted a week until some other Smurf happened to walk by and speak to her. The cycle repeated itself about every two weeks; “but I love him,” she kept insisting… about all of them.

103. Zombie Zombie
"The Wisdom of Stone (Do You Believe in..?)"  6:20
Rituels d'un Nouveau Monde
Paris, France

Most women are normal for 28 days, and then have a couple days where they are irritable each month during their period. Fat Obnoxious Bitchy Smurfette was somewhat the opposite; a couple days out of the month she was somewhat tolerable and the rest of the days she seemed to be on her period. She complained about everything, was completely intolerant to men, and all minor errors were perceived as an attempt to bring her down because she was so much better than everybody else. Somebody came up with the bright idea that she should be hooked up with Grouchy Smurf and this did not go over well. They went to a restaurant and Grouchy claimed that he hated everything on the plate. Fat Obnoxious Bitchy Smurfette took these complaints personally, grew tired of his constant griping, dragged him outside, and beat the living shit out him. Fat Obnoxious Bitchy Smurfette is currently serving a 30 day sentence for Aggravated Assault.

102. Death and Vanilla
"Somnambulists"  3:56
Death and Vanilla
Malmö, Sweden

If Lazy Smurf was enough trouble, Somnambulist Smurfette was extremely problematic. Her monkey ass would wander off out of her mushroom sound asleep, but walking aimlessly into the most bizarre of places. One evening, she arose from bed, and unknowingly wandered off into Lush Smurfette’s mushroom and climbed into bed with her. Lush Smurfette was completely passed out and had reached the point of being blackout drunk—when she awoke the next morning with Somnambulist Smurfette lying next to her in her bed, she assumed she got too drunk again and once again slept with some weirdo she would never even consider when she was sober. Somnambulist had no recollection of wandering into her bedroom and assumed they had spent the whole night smurfing. In a strange twist of fate, the two never actually smurfed that night, but saw something in each other that morning and before too long there was a sock on the doorknob. Lazy Smurf was actually presented with the opportunity to participate in a threesome with these two babes, but the dumb little mother fucker fell asleep right in the middle of it.

101. Viaje A 800
"Ni Perdón Ni Olvido"  7:26
Coñac Oxigenado
Algeciras, Spain

The Cincinnati Smurfette was easily detected. She smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day, dated some loser douche that she insisted every other Smurfette was trying to get with, and frequently started fights with the other Smurfettes in the village. She eventually was sent to the male village to work on the dam with the male Smurfs, but she soon developed a crack addiction and gave random strangers Smurf Jobs in order to feed her crack addiction. Her name was changed to Crack Whore Smurf and she was captured by Gargamel who attempted to turn her into gold. By this point, she had become a relentless vulture and no gold would come out of her. Therefore, Gargamel ate her, and was stoned out of his gourd for 3 weeks as a result.

After ingesting The Cincinnati Smurfette, Gargamel somehow became addicted to her. He was rushing around the entire next day looking underneath couch cushions for Smurfs. He paid a visit to Great Wizard who informed him what had actually happened. Now, it wasn’t about gold or food. Gargamel sought to capture more Smurfs and Smurfettes so that he could transform his magic lab into a meth lab.






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