2012/12/09

2012: Beauty + Love = Macabre Prophecies


The Best Songs of 2012 + 2012: The Smurf Apocalypse
Chapter 1: The Death of Papa Smurf's Generation
Chapter 2: The Smurfettes
Chapter 3: The Rise of the 3rd Anti-Smurf
Chapter 4: Beauty + Love = Macabre Prophecies
Chapter 5: Prelude… The World Ended Before it Began
Chapter 6: Finale: The Great Smurf Apocalypse

Chapter IV: Beauty + Love = Macabre Prophecies


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.



75. The Flashbulb
"Insomnia In Roscoe Village"  2:50
Opus at the End of Everything
Chicago, IL

Gargamel awoke still in a haze, still slightly feeling the effects of the week long freebase Smurfette binge. It was a tranquil morning, the sun was shining, and Gargamel walked outside to sit by the stream. Still stoned from the night before, he was reaching a state of harmonious flux within himself, yet felt unsettled and remorseful at the same time. He merely sat there in deep thought, stirring the water with a stick, admiring the beauty of the world while reflecting on the ugliness of his own wretched life. A small rabbit walked by and he regretted all of those times that he hated that rabbit for no reason. For the first time ever, he saw something unique in his world, and finally realized this was a sanctuary of peace and tranquility.

74. Black Moth Super Rainbow
"Psychic Love Damage"  3:34
Cobra Juicy
Pittsburgh, PA

Too much of his life had been wasted committing himself to hatred or destruction. Gargamel vowed that he was never going to hunt another Smurf again and devote himself to something more constructive. He announced on his Facebook status (to all 4 of his Facebook friends) that he was going to quit Smurfing and turn over a new leaf. Thus, he lied by stream and finally drifted off into a deep state of meditation. The great Nostradamus had predicted the dawning of the 3rd Anti-Smurf would unite to long-time enemies to overthrow the destroyer. Papa Smurf was lying in his bed, still in deep distraught, staring at the ceiling like Scatman Crothers in The Shining, lips twitching as the most horrid premonition was still unfolding. By the stream, Gargamel was now staring off into the sky with the same disturbed stare as Papa Smurf, as if he too felt the same premonition. Papa Smurf’s face appeared in the sky and looked down upon Gargamel. “Gargamel,” called out Papa Smurf from the sky, “Gargamel. I don’t think Jokey was 3rd Anti-Smurf.” Everything turned to black.

73. Animal Collective
"Applesauce"  5:35
Centipede Hz
Baltimore, MD/New York, NY

Gargamel left his home and headed for Smurf Village with an armful of gifts. He wasn’t sure exactly how to get there, but the Papa Smurf’s head appeared in midair periodically and guided him. Once he arrived, The Smashing Smurfettes were prepared to properly dispose of him, but were oddly surprised when he showed up with gifts that he had ordered from Amazon, including new roller skates, a hammer, various gaskets and sealant compounds for the dam, books, music, charming gift bags from Bath and Body Works, and a package of Hanes T-shirts for the whole group to enjoy. The reformation of Gargamel was an odd sight to behold, as he skipped merrily with new friends collecting Smurfberries, smoking weed with Dreamy Smurfette, watching college basketball with the guy Smurfs, and Rachael Ray Smurfette cooked a gourmet meal augmented by Banana Smurfberry Cupcakes from Baker Smurf. It was a marvelous time of gross cheesy smile inducing douchiness.

72. Kishi Bashi
"Wonder Woman, Wonder Me"  3:20
151a
Seattle, WA

It turned out that Gargamel shared numerous common interests with several of The Smurfs. Most people assumed that it would be Papa Smurf who would bond the most with Gargamel for they had much to talk about with magic potions and whatnot; and they did become great friends as a result. However, for some unknown unexplainable, perhaps obvious reasons, Gargamel’s new best friend became Fag Hag Smurfette. He would often hang out with her and discuss his various relationship issues, while viewing some of his favorite online Youtube videos with Vanity and Greedy Smurfs. Vanity knitted him a gorgeous scarf that matched his outdated Wizard outfit and most were certain that Gargamel would soon find that special someone to share life with.

71. Sun Araw & M. Geddes Gengras Meet The Congos
"Sunshine"  4:05
Icon Give Thank
Saint Catherine, Jamaica

Another unlikely friendship evolved during the transformation process. Upon sniffing Hippy Smurfette, Azrael had vowed that he was never going to eat another Smurf ever again. But, you know hippies and their knack for organic agriculture and the ability to blend natural compounds for the most pure of intoxicating bliss. Hippy Smurfette had created the ultimate catnip and suddenly Azrael had a new best friend. The two would play together happily in woods, sniffing catnip, chasing around leaves, and simply doing what cats and hippies do best—being lazy degenerate mother fuckers sleeping for hours underneath a tree. The fact remained though, Azrael is a cat, and cats are borderline O.C.D. clean freaks. After a little nap, Azrael licked Hippy Smurfette, and suddenly the nasty little bitch didn’t stink anymore.

70. Lorn
"Diamond"  5:33
Ask the Dust
Chicago, IL

It’s not a Smurf, it’s a man. He’s a fat tourist with a balding head; he has a bad mustache, an ugly face, and a loud obnoxious voice. Gargamel dropped a plate of dishes and froze in terror; Papa Smurf continued to lie in bed staring at the ceiling… they both saw his face at the same time. The fat tourist is the 3rd Anti-Smurf; Papa Smurf saw him, laughing, and then the water came rushing in, drowning Smurf Village. It was he who possessed Jokey Smurf, for it is he who longs to rid the world of merriment. He is seated in a bar and he is tactlessly complaining the music is too loud—whistled, “Hey! Turn that down.” This was a downtown bar on a Friday Night, and he was determined to dictate, to command, to ruin the fun of others in order to satisfy his conventions. It extends beyond this, and knows no boundaries. Those who do not conform to his conservative lifestyle are living improperly; they are disobeying the law… God’s law… the God his people invented.

69. Julia Holter
"In the Same Room"  3:58
Ekstasis
Los Angeles, CA

Lush Smurfette was hanging out (literally) at Vicious Vixen’s mushroom. She was drinking The Knot 100 Proof Irish Whiskey straight out of the bottle and feeling loose and tipsy. After she encouraged Vicious Vixen to have a glass of wine and smoke a bowl, Lush Smurfette’s shirt gradually began to drape as she was constantly trying brush her body on Vicious Vixen’s. Vicious stood up to retrieve another glass of wine and returned to find Lush Smurfette lying on the couch with her breast fully exposed as she finally neglected her low-cut shirt once and for all. Furthermore, she kept saying naughty things to Vicious Vixen and seemed to be trying to playfully anger her. Finally, she purposely tipped over Vicious Vixen’s wine glass with her finger and snickered about it. Vicious Vixen grabbed and pulled her over her knee, and Lush Smurfette still sassy too her even though she put up no restraint whatsoever; Vicious Vixen unbuttoned Lush Smurfette’s jeans and pulled down her pants and panties exposing her blue ass… then proceeded to spank her bottom, sometimes with enough force to create a loud slapping noise. Lush Smurfette cooed, even when Vicious Vixen pulled her upright by her hair and then shoved her down to her knees…this was exactly the sort of weird shit that Lush Smurfette was into. After Vicious Vixen “forced” her to go down on her, she dragged Lush Smurfette upstairs, tied her to the bed, put on her dominatrix costume, and whipped Lush Smurfette while she ball gagged her, melted Smurf wax all over her shaved coochie, put clothes pins on her nipples, and ravaged her with Smurf-like vibrator.

68. Portico Quartet
"Ruins"  5:34
Portico Quartet
London, England

The remaining members of The Smashing Smurfettes entered the home and witnessed the spectacle. Right at that time, the perfect song for an all-out Smurf orgy came on through the Hi-def surround-smurf speakers. Soon the whole Village was involved. Everywhere you looked, there were Smurfs fucking…in every position imaginable. Behind the mushroom, out in the forest, Gargamel had found his knew love… Bigmouth… and they too were fucking.

67. Los Evangelistas
"Encima de las Corrientes"  5:04
Homenaje a Enrique Morente
Granada, Spain

Once upon a time, to The Smurfs, Gargamel appeared large, evil, and ferocious. However, to the average man in 2012, Gargamel was small, frail, poorly dressed, and not intimidating at all. There was a knock at the door, and Gargamel opened it hoping to see Bigmouth in the lingerie they recently purchased. Instead, he froze in terror as it was the fat tourist… the 3rd Anti-Smurf was at his door. The man presented him with a clipboard containing a contract, “Mr. Gargamel, I am here to purchase your land. This is going to be commercial zoning property and I’m willing to pay you top dollar for it. Just sign write here on that dotted line there, and we’ll be willing to take all 5000 acres from you for…” He paused and wrote the sum down on a piece of paper, $13,000 (for 5000 acres mind you). Gargamel insisted his land wasn’t for sale, and the fat tourist declared it was. “Well, how much you want for it.” Gargamel finally became afraid of the intentions of the 3rd Anti-Christ, stuttered a few inaudible phrases, and slammed the door in his face. Fag Hag Smurfette and Lazy Smurf were hanging out in the kitchen and heard everything. “What the fuck was that all about?”

66. Charles Gayle
"Tribulations"  8:32
Streets
New York, NY

A mysterious Smurfette happened to show up in the streets of Smurf Village. Nobody knew who she was or where she came from, but she was dressed in tatters and displayed erratic behavior. She appeared to be cold, and the other Smurfs expressed concern for both her well-being and theirs. They asked her questions, where she was from, how she found the village, or if she needed some food. Her words were non-sense and then her eccentricities escalated into areas that spawned fear into Smurf Village. There was just something about her that did not look right, her laugh was evil, and after she freaked out screaming for seemingly no reason in the middle of the street, they named her Schizophrenic Smurfette. Everybody gathered around after she dropped to her knees in the middle of the road, screaming out at nothing, and then ordering everybody to get away from her. They were just trying to help, but she was acting more strangely… “get the fuck away from me!” Finally, she abruptly stood up, forcefully grabbed Handy Smurf’s arm and bit his hand. He was screaming in agony, trying to detach his hand from her mouth when finally Vicious Vixen apprehended her from behind and secured her. Handy Smurf’s hand was bleeding, and he was crying in pain; Schizophrenic Smurfette laughed at him and said sternly, “The Bohula will be returning.” Psychiatrist Smurf demanded she be place in a strait jacket and hauled away to the Smurf asylum.

65. Yppah
"Happy To See You"  4:44
Eighty One
Houston, TX

The Village was in a bit of disarray after the strange incident involving Schizophrenic Smurfette, until things eventually got weirder. A rabbit hopped his way into the center of town and stopped, “Hello. Hello.” The rabbit remained still, merely calling out until somebody answered him. Papa Smurf and Vicious Vixen emerged from their homes and approached the rabbit, everybody else watched from the sidewalk. “Hello Rabbit,” said Papa Smurf. He nodded back; this Rabbit came in peace, but seemed troubled, there was great danger that he had come to warn them about. “There are other Smurfs.” Papa Smurf and Vicious Vixen looked confused; “Yes,” Vicious Vixen agreed hesitantly, “there are other Smurfs.” He replied, “I know there are other Smurfs. I know all about Smurf Village. There are other Smurfs. There are other Smurfs…” The Rabbit paused and looked around and then pointed way off to his left, well past Smurfs Village, “There are other Smurfs, there.” Where? “There.” And so with Vicious Vixen and Papa Smurf leading the way, the other Smurfs followed The Rabbit through the forest. Well far away from Smurf Village, one that even entailed the now-famous scene “how much further Papa Smurf?” There was a shabby wooden house down in a valley, far removed from everything. “There,” pointed The Rabbit.

64. Dweller On The Threshold
"The Drone"  4:15
Dweller On The Threshold
New York, NY

Papa Smurf peered down into the valley at the house with a pair of Smurfoculars, and through the lenses, he spotted them… yes, there were other Smurfs. Up to this point, they had assumed that every single Smurf in existence resided in the one Smurf Village, and he knew nothing about another colony residing anywhere else in the world. However, at age 572 now, he had travelled the world and witnessed many hardships. These Smurfs must have been survivors from a past tragedy that nobody knew about. They were Smurfs, and Smurfs are good. As a token of friendship, Papa Smurf led the others down to the house to greet and welcome them.

63. TOY
"Dead & Gone"  7:40
TOY
London, England

Unfortunately, the ghastly scene induced an unsettling macabre feeling. The head of the household was Chuckleberry Smurf and he looked wicked as there was something deeply sinister about this entire area. One of his eyes was missing and a horrible scar covered the right side of his face. He had a beard, but was slightly younger than Papa Smurf; they had never met. Papa Smurf extended his hand in friendship, but Chuckleberry Smurf did not embrace it. “What brings you up here mister?” He remained friendly, and merely figured this Smurf must have some issues with seeing a colony of Smurfs approaching his home, and told him how he heard about the other Smurfs from a local rabbit. Chuckleberry spit tobacco to his side, and adamantly told Papa Smurf this was his place. Two creepy looking Smurflings appeared on the porch and caught the attention of some of the Smurfettes, in particular, a few members of The Smashing Smurfettes, who greeted the children with a smile and approached them. The house was large and isolated, the sky was dim, and the world spun around as everything in the forest seemed haunted.

62. Pond
"When It Explodes"  5:26
Beard, Wives, Denim
Perth, Australia

Chuckleberry had no choice but to allow the Smurfs to visit at least for the moment, but acted suspicious… as if he could not wait for them to leave. But, Papa Smurf remained friendly, and asked some questions to discover what might have happened. Papa Smurf asked about the volcano, the trip to San Francisco, and a few other tragedies he had endured over the years. Finally, there was some common ground. “We got chased by that fucking cat in 1934.” It was a sad story of despair, but Chuckleberry related how he narrowly escaped, but most of his fleet was massacred. They had taken shelter down in a coal mine, and that fucking cat followed them down in there. Those brave Smurfs had to out maneuver the ferocious creature, but it caused some sort of turmoil… the walls started crumbling, and everything went dark all at once. He referred to it as the great mining disaster, but some of them had made it out alive.

61. Dinosaur Jr.
"See It On Your Side"  6:39
I Bet on Sky
Amherst, MA

Papa Smurf had the nerve to ask where the others were who made it out alive. “That ain’t none of your damn business,” Chuckleberry defiantly answered. Once again, Papa Smurf sighed, but remained friendly. He asked if there was any danger or if any of them needed any assistance with anything, that the Smurfs from Smurf Village would be happy to help. “I don’t need no help, now ya’all go on back to wherever the fuck it is you came from. Go on now. Get.” At that moment, there was movement at the window as the curtains were rustling. There was a figure inside, but Vicious Vixen Smurfette did not get a good look at it. Unlike Papa Smurf, she was losing her patience with Chuckleberry and it seemed obvious that he was hiding something. “Who else is in here?” she asked Chuckleberry. “Ain’t nobody, now get on.” Vicious Vixen looked over at The Smurflings, “that’s my brother Billy-Bob Smurf, and Inbred Smurf. Inbred Smurf is kinda stupid though.” Vicious Vixen Smurfette showed no fear of Chuckleberry as he quickly approached and jerked The Smurfling by the arm, “girl, you shut up now!” He acted like he was going to hit her, but Vicious Vixen Smurfette pulled him away, then stared him down, daring him to say something to her. Finally, she ignored him, and gingerly held The Smurfling’s hand and smiled sweetly to her… “Do I get to meet your brother?”

60. ∆ (Alt-J)
"Fitzpleasure"  3:39
An Awesome Wave
Cambridge, England

Chainsaw Massacre. Nothing belonged, and most of the decorations were spooky… as was everything else. Her brother, Billy-Bob Smurf was playing with his doll—a dead pigeon with a nail in its’ head. Uncle Walter Smurf entered the room and laughed creepily, overly excited. “My!” he yelled overjoyed the moment he saw Vicious Vixen Smurfette, “she’s a pretty one! Yes indeed!” He walked up to her and circled around her, sniffing her, “you sure are a pretty one.” Walter Smurf caressed her hair and started to touch her face when Chuckleberry Smurf forcefully yanked him back… “Don’t touch her! She might be pretty, but she’s a mean one. Don’t touch her. Now go head on.” Walter Smurf laughed creepily, jumped up and down for joy, and then began rubbing his crotch in excitement while he sniffed her toned shoulders and biceps. Chuckleberry grabbed him by the collar and slapped him around some, “Go on in your room!” He opened up a door and shoved Walter inside—tumbling down the steps could be heard. Most of the other Smurfs seemed afraid, the few that actually entered. Billy-Bob also grew excited, showing Anarchist Smurfette his collection of dead birds. “I put the nail in this one myself!”

59. Magic Trick
"Melodies"  4:06
Ruler of the Night
San Francisco, CA

It was obvious that Chuckleberry did not wish for The Smurfs to go any further in the house. However, he apologized for the behavior of the others in the house. “It wasn’t always like this you know. After all that shit went down, some of these people lost their fucking minds in here.” He opened the cap of the bottle of moonshine sitting on the table and took a swig; he was at least kind enough to offer a swig of whiskey to Papa Smurf, who actually took a drink. Chuckleberry sighed, and spoke of the old days, back when times were good. The story though had obvious flaws in logic and he kept stumbling over words. “That was a long time ago,” he insisted as he kept guzzling the moonshine straight from the bottle. Lush Smurfette offered him a swig of The Knot 100 Proof Irish Whiskey in exchange for a swig of the moonshine. For just a brief moment, it appeared that things might be settling down, and that Chuckleberry Smurf was a victim of circumstance still suffering the side-effects from having endured too much. A photograph of Chuckleberry Smurf standing next to a lovely Smurfette hung from the wall—it was an old picture taken in a field. “Who’s this?” Lush Smurfette asked. “Her? That’s my wife.” At that moment, a noise sounded from the kitchen and a muffled voice was heard shouting something.

58. The Spyrals
"Trying To Please"  4:00
The Spyrals
San Francisco, CA

Vicious Vixen Smurfette walked towards the kitchen where the clutter was coming from, but was stopped by Chuckleberry. “Nope,” he said as he shoved her backwards. Once again, she was prepared to engage in confrontation with this Smurfbilly when he suddenly drew a rifle, cocked it, and aimed it at her face. “Now you get on the fuck out of here.” Walter Smurf returned from the door smiling, excited, laughing, still arousing himself. “Get out,” Chuckleberry demanded, “all of you.” Papa Smurf and the others were backing away and Vicious Vixen had a sly smile on her face. He shoved the rifle into her chest, and with one sweeping move, she jerked the rifle out of his grasp, backhanded him across the face, and bashed him across the nose with the butt of the rifle. She aimed the barrel at his head and was prepared to shoot, but Papa Smurf stopped her; “Easy Vicious Vixen, we don’t want to do anything too damaging. This is his house here.” Walter Smurf was laughing and acting like a fool the entire time. Vicious Vixen Smurfette withdrew the rifle from the head of Chuckleberry and stormed towards Walter. When she grabbed him, he grew even more excited and made some weird high pitched giggly noises, and continued to do so even after she rammed his head against the wall and threw him back down the steps; that overjoyed creepy laughed almost completely drowned out the sound of him tumbling down the stairs.

57. Peaking Lights
"Dream Beat"  6:38
Lucifer
San Francisco, CA/Spring Green, WI

She went into the kitchen, still armed with the rifle. There were voices, but there wasn’t anybody in there. They kept calling out something, but it wasn’t clear what it was saying. Suddenly, a small metal container popped up out of a hole in the dirt kitchen floor, “Chuckleberry Smurf,” the voice called out from underneath the hole, “I’m hungry.” Vicious Vixen Smurfette attempted to peer down into the small hole but could not see anything. When she realized that somebody was trapped underneath the floor, she forcefully aimed the rifle again at Chuckleberry, “who the fuck is this?” He put up his hands in surrender… “that’s my wife.” This was perhaps the most intimidating Vicious Vixen had ever looked, “What the fuck is she doing under here?” He stumbled for some words, “Uh, remember that mining disaster I told you about.” She looked ready to kill him, “you stupid son of a bitch!” and she instantly prepared herself to bash the hole with the gun to dig her out. However, a rush of adrenaline overcame Chuckleberry as he screamed, “Noooo!” and he placed himself over the hole to prevent Vicious Vixen from attempting to dig in it.

56. Tindersticks
"A Night To Still"  5:45
The Something Rain
Nottingham, England

“You can beat me with that rifle all you want pretty lady, but I won’t let you hurt my wife. You gonna have to kill me first.” All of the Smurflings entered and now looked afraid, almost pleading with Vicious Vixen Smurfette not to go any further. “I don’t want to hurt your fucking wife you jackass, we have to get her out of there.” He still refused to budge, “we can’t. If we try with too much force to dig into this hole, the whole shaft will cave in and she will be buried alive. Trust me.” Chuckleberry started to cry, “you gotta trust me on this one. We’ve already tried this, we tried everything. Anytime we try too much force, she yells out that everything’s about to cave. It’ll kill her if you try to do that.” The voice yelled from beneath again, “Chuckleberry, who is that?” The Smurfs gathered around and attempted to see what was happening. “Don’t let ‘em all in here, it’ll cave the floor in. Back off! Back off!”

55. Lightships
"Photosynthesis"  4:29
Electric Cables
Glasgow, Scotland

It was a somber mood in the living room, but something still seemed unsettling. “How long has she been trapped down there?” Chuckleberry took a deep breath, “Since 1934.” Fortunately, Smurfs have an indefinite life span, and Chuckleberry’s wife now holds the record for longest time being buried in a mine shaft. Once again, Chuckleberry swigged the moonshine while he related how they had been living since 1934. They speak through that little hole, and there might be even more of them. Each day, Chuckleberry and The Smurflings gather food and send it down to her through the hole; they also have a hose attached to the sink in which they spray water down to her. He declared how much he loved his wife, and how once upon a time they were happy… he said how they met, and with tears in his eyes, spoke of the wedding, and some of the good times they had together.

54. Flying Lotus
"Putty Boy Strut"  2:54
Until the Quiet Comes
Winnetka, CA

“I’m calling bullshit,” Vicious Vixen Smurfette finally blurted out. She was not easily misled and lots of Smurfs who attempted to court her at various bars in Smurf Village could vouch for that. Chuckleberry was startled by her lack of sympathy, as was Papa Smurf and some of the others who were once again prepared to intervene to keep her from attacking. But, she was ruthless with her assault. “Not one thing you said makes any sense and there are way too many flaws going here.” Chuckleberry once again grew defensive, “I’m telling you!” and once again stuttered and stumbled over some words before Vicious Vixen interrupted him in mid-sentence. “Where did you throw that fucking retard?” He seemed confused, “what?” She stormed around, “there are stairs here. I threw him down a flight of fucking stairs. That means, there is a basement here. That’s not a fucking mine shaft, it’s a fucking basement, and that means there is something downstairs.” Everybody went silent as Vicious Vixen Smurfette arose, walked to the door with the rifle cocked, and walked down the stairs.

53. White Suns
"Footprints Filled"  4:27
Sinews
New York, NY

The basement was a hideous place. It was cold, dark, dismal, wet, and paved with black cement. Papa Smurf stood at the top of the stairs, twitching, going into convulsions, while the image of the water pouring into Smurf Village overcame him. However, it was a tiny space, an area so small that it did not reach the kitchen. The walls were solid, and beyond the walls, more than likely was a mine shaft. Running along the walls were all of the plumbing pipes, and it was unlike any basement one had ever seen. Furthermore, the pipes were all leaking and that was why it was so wet down there. She examined the walls, pounded on them, and finally declared that the mine shaft story was probably legitimate. Vicious Vixen still wasn’t satisfied though; she turned the corner and discovered a small room where two Smurfs and a Smurfette were crouched in a corner. “Who the fuck are these people?” The Smurfette was his sister, Dolly Smurfette; the Smurf with no eyes and a horrible scar across his mouth—he could not talk either; this was her son, Vivacious Smurf (obviously named before the horrible accident), and her father, now known as War of 1367 Veteran Smurf; he was even older than Papa Smurf.

52. Ancestors
"On the Wind"  9:32
In Dreams and Time
Los Angeles, CA

Indeed, they had been through a lot. Papa Smurf insisted the other Smurfs could help save Chuckleberry’s wife. He was extremely kind and caring to their ailments; Vicious Vixen Smurfette still seemed addled. All of the Smurfs knew that Papa Smurf was capable of devising a magic potion that could ultimately save the situation. Chuckleberry seemed reluctant, but Papa Smurf devised one anyway. “I have it,” he said, “all we have to do is pour this down the shaft, and it will…” Chuckleberry interrupted him by sneaking up behind him and hitting him in the head with a rock. “Give me that,” Chuckleberry ordered, and tried to snatch it from Papa Smurf’s grasp. Finally, Chuckleberry was able to pry the potion from Papa Smurf and then pounced on top of him, trying to bash his face in with a rock. Vicious Vixen busted in and shot Chuckleberry—wounding him, but not killing him.

Papa Smurf got up off the floor and rubbed the knot on his head. She told Vicious Vixen Smurfette that she didn’t have to shoot him. Finally, she became angry with Papa Smurf’s kindness. “Don’t you get it? Look at those God damn kids… they’re 15 years old at most. His wife had been trapped in this mine shaft for 78 years now. What? Do you think a stork brought these little mother fuckers. No. They’re hers (pointing at Dolly Smurfette), his own sister. He has purposely kept his wife trapped in a mine shaft so that he could continue to fuck his sister. And in turn, has kept her here.”

Chuckleberry held his head in shame, he knew he had been caught.


51. Godspeed You! Black Emperor
"Mladic"  19:54
Allelujah! Don't Bend! Ascend!
Montréal, QC, Canada

Still, something was disturbing Vicious Vixen Smurfette about this whole story. The potion had some effect, but not entirely because Chuckleberry had spilled a majority of it in the scuffle.

“Fuck it,” ordered Vicious Vixen Smurfette, we’re just going to dig. If it caves in, all of us can work together to get her out in time…there’s enough of us here.”

She carved around the hole with a knife and gradually lifted up some dirt. The other Smurfs joined her and they dug and dug and dug. They utilized a multitude of tools. Throughout all of this, Vicious Vixen Smurfette dug quickly, hastily, tirelessly, and still seemed severely agitated. “This is pretty big fucking house for a Smurf don’t you think Papa Smurf?”

“Vicious Vixen Smurfette, why must curse so much? Every word that comes out of your mouth is f this f that f you f everybody.”

“Shut the fuck up old man, and keep digging.”

After what seemed like forever, there was finally an opening. They had to be careful to keep from falling in, and Handy Smurf had erected a series of hoists and rope ladders so they could climb in and climb out. Vicious Vixen fearlessly stomped on the dirt, finally opened the shaft and jumped in; all the other Smurfs joined her.

Chuckleberry’s wife gave her a dirty look and Vicious Vixen backed her away with the rifle. Handy Smurf shun a flashlight and examined the area. There were skulls, skeletons, and all sorts of bodily remains lying scattered all over the floor. Everybody was frightened, except Vicious Vixen.

“I told you the house was too big to be built by a Smurf. Chuckleberry and his little posse of inbreeds killed the people who previously lived in the house, chopped them up into tiny little pieces, and tossed them down her for his carnivorous wife to eat.”

They seemed grossed out by this theory, somewhat disturbed that she would even think this. Handy shined the flashlight up in the distance. The wife was coming and she looked evil. Furthermore, she wasn’t alone… there were several of them and they were not friendly. Instantly, the wife tackled Fat Obnoxious Bitch Smurfette and tried to eat her; the other Smurfs that had been trapped down here attacked also. Vicious Vixen Smurfette cocked the rifle, and shot Chuckleberry’s wife in the head. One-by-one, in rapid succession, she cocked the rifle, and gunned down the aggressors until they finally retreated and ran away. The Smurfs climbed back to the top, tossed Chuckleberry and the others down into the shaft, and returned to Smurf Village. It was growing more obvious that the much prophesized Apocalypse was nearing.






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