Part 1: Equation For The Meaning of Life
Part 2: A Request For Radical Change
Part 3: Learning to Fly
Part 4: Cute Little Green Mother Fuckers and The Born Bad Bitches
Part 5: Emergence of The Black Serpent
Part 6: At Last! The Greatest Come-From-Behind Victory in The History of The Universe
Part VI: At Last! The Greatest Come-From-Behind Victory in The History of The Universe
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
Los Angeles, CA
Unknowingly, our date was televised… she was a reality TV star. It had been a bad date anyway, but when I realized this I turned and faced the camera to let them know how I really felt and went right for the source. All of the products advertised during this program are all garbage and their commercials are not only lame, but misleading as well. If you have to use deceit in order to promote your product, than that is a confession of guilt. Bud Light is shitty beer and people who drink it lack intuition and the ability to think for themselves; whenever people enter a saloon and order Bud Light, the bartenders and other patrons roll their eyes because they are certain they are dealing with a douche who only makes decisions based on television. Every single other product that is sponsoring this lousy program is exaggerating their quality in an attempt to make brainless people like yourselves contribute to the failures, which in turn, is affecting all of society. A group of people had formed behind me and performed a series of odd dance routines to the song.
24. Johnny Thunders & The Heartbreakers
"I Love You" 2:22
New York, NY
I had envisioned this ideal woman and that was the reason I opted to go out on a date with her in the first place. Let’s face it, it’s the main reason people go out on dates in the first place. There was this woman who I met recently and I was certain that she was soul mate. Unfortunately, I had agreed to have dinner with this other girl… I only went to prove that the one I believed was soul mate was indeed the right one. Well, that, and she was a friend of a co-worker who insisted we meet. This date wasn’t, unfortunately, was not with my soul mate… I loved somebody else; this girl was the exact opposite of what I was seeking in a relationship.
23. Curtis Mayfield
"Do Do Wap Is Strong in Here" 5:32
Chicago, IL (1942)-Roswell, GA (1999)
My assault in the camera continued. All of the news broadcasts and the opinions contained within are inaccurate and misleading. The source for news coverage is unreliable and the opinions only reflect that of the CEO corporate sponsors who pay for the programs. Just look at the Benghazi incident: was it an attack? Was it a cover-up? Who’s hiding something? What was the cause? A fucking movie? American terrorists? Truth of the matter is, none of these bastards know. In fact, most of the shit they are claiming probably never even happened… assuming there was even an incident at all; and if there was, it’s highly doubtful it went down how they say it happened… and there’s multiple stories regarding this; that should tell you something. Anymore, I don’t even pay any attention because all forms of news medium are untrustworthy.
"Sherry, Vermouth, Vin Å Öl" 3:04
Uppsala Stadshotell Brinner
It should be obvious that anytime you have armed forces and an ambassador’s embassy in another nation that is ultimately waging war and disrespecting the values and culture of the citizens, an attack is imminent. The easiest way to prevent these attacks is to remove all armed forces from all territories and allow people to be free. If Yemen had an ambassador’s embassy in this nation, and was attempting to recruit people from New Hampshire to wager an attack on Vermont, eventually U.S. citizens (3rd world bastards they are) would take that building out as well… burn it right to the fucking ground. That is, unless they were willing to remain a bunch of pussies and willing to allow another form of government corruption to dictate their personal standards.
21. The Dictators
New York, NY
She insisted that I had to select a bottle of wine and order her meal for her. “It’s the guy’s job to order the bottle of wine and order for me off the menu.” Women’s liberation slipped right by you, didn’t it? “All the other guys I’ve dated have had a take charge mentality.” Sounds to me like you’ve dated a lot of douches. “I don’t know how this is going to work out, and I’m not sure if I like this.” The first thing I said to the server was, “separate checks, please.”
"Trans-Europe Express" 3:56
We decided it would be a good idea to set sail and relocate altogether. It was obvious that our friends were never returning to Earth, so we figured we would go join them. But at the same time, we didn’t want to leave Earth either… hell, it was at least still somewhat salvageable. And that’s when we decided we going to embark on greatest mission known to mankind… we we’re leaving… and we were taking the Earth with us. Moving an entire planet was a little bit harder than moving some furniture and it was slightly difficult to fit into a suitcase. We had some powers now though… this could be done.
19. Gil Scott-Heron and Brian Jackson
"Song of the Wind" 3:59
GSH: Chicago, IL (1949)-New York, NY (2011)/BJ: New York, NY
In the past, so many centuries ago, there was a region called Africa that was inhabited by legions of small, frail, peaceful tribes living joyfully off the land without bothering anybody. Some called them “Bushmen” while others referred to them as stars of the hit movie “The Gods Must Be Crazy.” A legion of white colored people disrupted their peaceful harmony. Not only did they attack a group of smaller peoples living peacefully, they actually captured many of them, removed them from their homes, and made them into slaves. That was the most inhumane act in history, and that sole source of extreme cruelty tarnished their entire history.
18. To Be
God looked through the book that listed the events of everything that happened in the past year… these were supposedly highlights. This nation attacked this nation; these people attacked these people; violence escalated here, and several people died there. They were all at war with other, and it seemed to center around the center of the Earth… which they called The Middle East. And they had these strange things called nations, and the ones that were powerful tried to dictate the freewill of others. He slammed the book shut and declared, “I want peace.” God put on some pleasant music, and set out to change the course of history.
17. Francis Lai
During God’s travels through time and space, the Earth gradually became a more tranquil and pleasant place. He had designed a series of gifts, wrapped up in gorgeous paper like Christmas presents, and strategically placed them in various phases of history. This time around, the slave traders entered Africa… however, there was no conquer, and nobody was taken a slave. Instead, they handed out Christmas presents to the bush peoples, and gave them all gifts (1 in 3 of them received a brand new Chia Pet!).
Christopher Columbus travelled to America with a fleet of ships filled with Christmas presents and gift bags from Bath and Body Works, and happily handed them out to all of the Indians. Adolf Hitler rounded up all of the Jews in Europe, hosted a banquet in their honor, and handed out Christmas presents to each of them. This did not seem bizarre because 1915 years ago, there was Jesus, sitting atop Calvary, surrounded by the Romans, opening up Christmas presents. (God had to intervene with this one because in the background there were two other guys nailed to crosses while Jesus was opening his fantastic present—a new sweater from Kohl’s with the tags still on it; he removed the other two and gave them presents as well… a brand new lawnmower!)
And the Roman Empire… they travelled the whole world, handing out presents… ol’ Julius Caesar looked exactly like Santa Claus. And this gracious act of God eradicated all that had been wrong, and finalized with a caveman whacking some woman over the head, dragging her back to the cave, and then showering her with a multitude of elegantly wrapped gifts, which included a precious futuristic appliance that appeared to come from outer space… a mother fuckin’ toaster!
16. Tom Waits
"I Never Talk to Strangers" 3:38
I tried to remain pleasant and figured we could get through this as friends, and keep things friendly. However, she then had the nerve to ask me if I was hoping to get laid tonight; in which I replied, well, I am a guy, and that means I can go an entire evening without talking about sex (I kept track on a napkin how frequently girls talk about sex, which on average is about every 10-15 minutes). Somewhere along the lines, I might have told her that I would rather go home and jack off than fuck her. Mysteriously, and without warning, a strange sensation came over me… the world changed. I realized I was mean to her; I realized he must have thought I was a douche. She looked innocent for the first time; he looked kinda adorable. I just flew away, history had been altered forever.
15. Pink Floyd
That’s when I decided the formula for the meaning of life pertained to everything; which in turn pertained to nothing. However, in the capitalist regime, the majority of the world could be broken down into 3 types of people… Dogs (the greedy person who lives for money), Pigs (the violent corrupt governor and police operation who force people to conform to their enslave establishment), and Sheep (those who blindly follow policies thinking it is, indeed, the most appropriate way of life.)
Of all this, with the incarnation of money, the Dogs actually had the most power for they were able to payoff the Pigs and the Sheep... they proved the most difficult to deal overcome, although the other two were almost equally problematic.
How much of your definitive characteristics are actually natural, and how often are you pretending to be something you’re not in order to earn money? How much of your beliefs are based on what you saw on TV? Have you been influenced by what you saw on TV or the opinions of somebody supposedly admired by the superstars? What you read in a book? What somebody else told you? What you learned in school? What your parents taught you? And, how much of it did you actually come up with on your own? How much do you support a government because somebody said that you have to support this government? And how much have you hated another group just because somebody suggested this is appropriate to dislike these things?
All of these things have altered your natural behavioral patterns. The Bible is included in this; your text books are included in this; the means in which you earn a paycheck ultimately defines this. Take away the means in which you earn money, strip away all of attributes in which you act in order to obtain this money; remove everything you saw on TV; take away the principles you were taught were appropriate based on religious doctrines; take away everything you learned in school; take away everything your parents taught; and removed all aspects of your own personality that was generated by the influence of others. How much of this did you create yourself? Did you come up with on your own? The value of what is left is a percentage value of how much of you is your natural self (X). Sadly, in numerous cases, the value of X is often less than 10. And in no cases, not as of yet, is the value of X a 100… which is the highest it can be.
14. David Bowie
The time had finally come, and at last we were getting somewhere. For one day, this day, we overcame all of the disturbances that had distraught our existence. We glided the Earth through the Solar System, maneuvering it through the Asteroid Belt, past the planets we had only seen in photos, and en route to a new destination that would define us as a race of steadfast unity, and not the legion of foolish belligerence that had haunted us. And we had help… a couple cavemen were there (waves), Grover Cleveland was there (waves), and his wife Frances, Penelope Walters, Barbara Cruz, a rabbit named Popco, Bob, Larry, Uncle Ernie, Ted, Milton, Jane, Adolf Hitler… all of them. Regardless how great or how terrible they had been in life, now they were all prepared for redemption, pay their restitution, and be heroes, just for one day.
"Sheer Heart Attack" 3:28
News Of The World
A platoon of little green mother fuckers sprang from the head of The Black Serpent and thrashed around with a colony of gay blue fish. Performing live perched atop the back of The Black Serpent, The Green Mother Fucking Born Bad Bitches of Universal Paradise unleashed a sonic assault that was heard throughout 14 galaxies. Nobody complained of a noise ordinance… nope, this was Paradise. They were joined by several races of bizarre looking creatures from all over The Universe… and they flung Christmas presents around like stage divers on acid.
12. João Gilberto
"Aquarela do Brasil" 6:36
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Admittedly, guiding an entire large planet was growing excruciatingly difficult, even with all of the assistance. However, the greatest help imaginable assisted with the cause… God. He soared past all of us, and we applauded him with a standing ovation the moment he appeared in our sight. He stood perched on The North Pole and erected a gigantic sail that eased the operation as a gust of heavenly wind sent the planet Earth into rapid acceleration. Another chamber was built, the rowing station, capable of holding 100 serviceable rowers at once. Obviously, God took command and headed for the front of the rowing station and rowed the Earth slowly by himself. And who was the first person to jump aboard to assist God with the rowing? None other than Grover Fucking Cleveland! Yes, he finally decided that he was doing something. From that moment on, the answer to “What would Grover Cleveland do?” was never again going to be “nothing.”
11. Paul McCartney & Wings
"Mull Of Kintyre" 4:43
Mull Of Kintyre
We were vastly approaching Paradise and could see it up ahead in the distance. Those bright glowing lights, those colorful rainbows… that’s Paradise! It wasn’t dark outside anymore. The colors that had been altered on the Earth, it was an obvious purpose now… they were designed to compliment Paradise. All of us bore a huge smile as we were drawing nearer. My God, we had overcome a lot to get here. Our dark black past was far behind us now, there was going to be nothing to ruin it again. We now had one desire, one key goal, and all of us had worked together to achieve it… and that was always to be here… forever.
10. Judas Priest
"Last Rose of Summer" 5:38
Sin After Sin
Just before we reached our destination, God stopped the ship. Somewhere in worst desolate region of the Earth, one pretty flower had sprouted. It was a reminder that, yes, we had led a checkered history. But, no matter how bad things were, there was always some good… all those bad things that happened, there were numerous fond memories as well. We had experienced our first love, we laughed out loud about things we found humorous, somewhere along the lines, we cared for somebody, we helped somebody out, we had pushed a crashed car out of abandonment. Those were the things that we needed to remember, and those were the things that we needed to cherish if we ever going to be able to maintain our place in Paradise.
9. Iggy Pop
Lust For Life
The Planet Earth pulled within reach of Paradise and we greeted our new friends with smiles and elaborate gifts. Once we docked with Paradise, we tossed out elegantly wrapped Christmas presents to the whole population of Paradise. An adorable little green mother fucker looked so cute with his big eyes and cartoon-like smile… he opened up his present in frivolous joy… A Chinese rug! The Black Serpent received a BEAUTIFUL, MARVELOUS, MAGNIFICENT, A SHEER DISPLAY OF BEAUTY… a set of microwaveable Tupperware bowls! A celebration was underway… the newcomers of Earth paraded down the streets, doing the twist, hopping like a frog (primarily because many of them actually were frogs) and joyfully doing anything they wanted. It was a huge line of dancing and celebration!
8. The Damned
"Born to Kill" 2:36
Damned Damned Damned
Back in the present, Richard and Julia were invited to attend a seminar that would explain the formula for the meaning of life. They had no idea where the invitations came from, but they attended anyway. As did Martha, Wilbur, Pete, and a multitude of other people from the community whose lives had been hinting at coming together at the very end; and many claimed they knew exactly how it would end. As the seminar began, a person walked out on the stage dressed like a duck, waving at the crowd… maybe it was a duck. People clapped and cheered for the duck. However, gunshots were heard, and the duck was assassinated on the stage. All members of the audience ran out of the auditorium in a state of panic.
7. The Clash
"Police & Thieves" 6:01
Rule #1 of Paradise… do not try to take over or govern Paradise. The important Commandment as it pertains to all formulas of life… respect the house that Jack built… as it pertains to Jack. There was to never be the concept of money or government; which equated to wealth and power; which equated to Police and Thieves. These were the elements that had ruined their former society and it was not going to happen again. Maneuvering through the past, alongside the grandest of all bass riffs, the black and white video images of the police beating protestors, the gunmen robbing banks, the shootouts in the street… there was no way anybody considered this an acceptable lifestyle.
New York, NY
The bad ass bitches grabbed the reformed Adolf Hitler and finally shaved off that stupid looking mustache; then threw him on the stage where a parade of blue fish and green mother fuckers were still in punk mode. He announced to the world that he did not want to be a Pinhead no more, and burned all of his piece of shit white supremacist crap, embraced all of the differences, and even grotesquely made out with a gay blue fish right there on the stage. On that day, all forms of fascism was destroyed and erased forever… The Universe was finally free.
An interview was conducted. There were four chairs seated in a single row across from the mediator… occupying the chairs were the following: Adolf Hitler, a sexy born bad babe, Grover Cleveland, and a little green mother fucker.
“Tell me,” asked the interviewer, “what could have happened?”
5. The Sex Pistols
Never Mind the Bollocks Here's the Sex Pistols
I don’t know what the fuck my problem was. Arrogance maybe. Somewhere along the lines, I no longer became my natural self and held some sort of conviction that I was supposed to blindly follow the regulations of the nation I was born… regardless. Well, I suppose I felt that I wanted everybody to be exactly like me… that I wanted no differences, and felt that the world would be a better place if everyone was exactly like me. Seeing the rest of these assholes, people I didn’t understand, I was just like fuck this, fuck that, and I don’t want any mother fuckers around looking like that. And like a dumb mother fucker that I was, I honestly set out to destroy them all. Because of my inhumane tyranny, I fucked up the whole world; and people consider me the biggest piece of shit in the entire tarnished history… and rightly so. That was what I accomplished… I fucked up the whole world.
Sexy Born Bad Babe…
4. Cheap Trick
"Southern Girls" 3:38
Not to point the fingers, but throughout history, we were not allowed to even think for ourselves. Somebody had adopted some sort of ridiculous phrase called “lady-like,” that, unlike our male counterparts, we were supposed to behave in a “proper” manner. There was no way that we could possibly be natural because people never acted natural around us… they were always trying to pretend to be extremely kind, opening doors, refraining from cursing… that sort of stupid bullshit. Or, they were constantly trying to fuck us, fuck us in the sense of getting us in bed and getting inside our pussies. There was much confusion how exactly we were supposed to act. What was most odd was that part of what considered “proper” etiquette for a lady included appearing sexy. How is a woman supposed to spend that much time dolling herself up on a daily basis to look sexually desirable and not engage in lustful fantasies during the entire transaction? The only way men would even listen to us was if we appeared attractive to them. So, we rebelled… we took our sexuality to the next level and attempted to take over in order for us to do what was natural… and that didn’t include wasting all of our time in no damn kitchen preparing shit for a mother fucking brainless hairy ass man. However, we never noticed that unappealing men were frequently ignored also. And, we, um, took our sexuality to extreme for the, (pause, deep breath) I’m sorry; we did it for the money because many of us were obsessed with shopping and material possessions.
Hell, I didn’t know what to do. Yet, all of these mother fuckers were depending on me to do something. I’m like, shit, man, what the fuck am I supposed to do? So, I pretty much did nothing. I’m just like, damn, man, can’t you mother fuckers think for yourself? But, they were depending on me to do something… probably just the way the world took shape back then. What kind of makes me the stupid mother fucker was that I actually campaigned and promised them something; and delivered nothing. Ideally, they would have thought for themselves and devised their own solutions, but the world had already been molded for them to assume that my position was expected to perform some sort of duty for them. Furthermore, they were doing something, and I depended on them for personal happiness. If I really wanted them to think for themselves, I would have eliminated my office altogether. But instead, I allowed the power to get to me, enjoyed the wealth, and sat around doing nothing… obtaining happiness at the expense of others… and when they needed me most, I dicked over the people I needed for my own personal happiness.
Little Green Mother Fucker…
"Rocket U.S.A." 4:17
New York, NY
Not to brag, but I would say that 95% of the population of The Universe thinks that we are cute and adorable. However, we were so cute, that we simply allowed our environment to be entirely depleted. Part of it wasn’t our fault because the environmental beauty of our environment (you know, that magical drug with the marvelous effects) was essentially stolen by pirates and smugglers, but we had the ability, and the commitment, to properly maintain our land and replenish the lost resources. Furthermore, we could have asked for help too, you know. After all, we were entertaining, and other people depended on us for personal happiness. We could say that we were dicked over, but they had no idea how to replenish our soils… only we did, and we failed to maintain the element that was our contribution to The Universe. Once we lost everything, we had no choice but to run around like Sham 69 because it was ultimately doomsday. Shit man, what an ugly world that was… and an era that I never want to visit again. But, we survived, people eventually came and helped us out, and I think we all learned a valuable lesson here.
"Marquee Moon" 10:40
New York, NY
There was room on Earth that a large group of people had built. This room contained all of the television sets in existence as well as all of the history books and everything that had ever happened to all of them. With the insertion of the plug, all of the monitors came on at once as a large crowd had gathered to watch the programs displayed on the sets. They sat and watched for several minutes as the screens displayed their entire history, focusing on all of the horrible things that they had ever done.
The footage included murders, rapes, disease, famine, fires, government corruption, quests for power, riches, money, racism, territorial disputes, battles of religion, and all sorts of other ailments that signified failure.
Two parakeets flew up to one of the television sets and turned it off. Upon shutting down the power, they hoisted the set up into the air and launched the TV set from the Earth down into the blackest pits of non-existence… that portion of history had been erased. Two cats entered; they grabbed a television set and hurled down into the same void of nothingness…forever erasing that segment of history. Grover Cleveland calmly walked up to the display case, unhooked a TV set, and he too erased a portion of history.
One-by-one, they all did it. White people, black people, Jewish people, little green bastards, born bad sexy babes, people from all colors of Paradise, all of those that ever existed, and many of those from different parallel universes altogether. They threw all of the TV sets that contained a segment of history down into a cryptic void that was labeled “better off forgotten.” They threw in all the history books, all the guidelines, all the rules, the regulations, the self-help manuals, the ordinances, the creeds, and everything they had ever done… all of, down it a pit called vanished forever.
God entered, grabbed the 2nd largest monitor of all, and hoisted down the hole called reversal and redemption. Finally, all that was left was the one largest object in the room. The Black Serpent attempted to lift this object, but could not; God rushed over and attempted to lift the other side, but even the two of them together could not budge it. As they struggled, all beings at once joined in for assistance. All of them, God, The Black Serpent, all the little green dudes, all the bad babes, all the gay blue fish, Uncle Ernie, Stephen, Stephanie, every single person in existing… even that piece of shit homeless guy who never did anything… they finally lifted it off the ground… and with great struggle, all forms of life working together, two little parakeets flapping at the top trying to guide, everybody working together giving it every last bit of effort they possibly had… they took that object, maneuvered it outside the door, and on the count of three, all at once, hurled that son of a bitch down into a black pit called deletion.
Once it was done, they turned out the lights, and walked out of the room. In the darkest blackness in the entire Universe, underneath a Marquee Moon, history was officially dead.
The two cats boarded the rowing station as the two parakeets flapped on top of the sail guiding it to the proper destination. God and Grover Cleveland pushed the Earth from behind and aligned it perfect with Paradise and cute planet of green bliss…Companions for all Eternity.
END CREDITS: Suicide
New York, NY
Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal
None of the original songs were ever intended to be used in this type of format.
Descriptions in no way shape or form intended to be a truthful reflection or interpretation of the song or the artist in reference.
Most characters and themes completely fictitious and any similarities to actual people living or deceased are coincidental.
Usage of actual historical figures such as Grover Cleveland not intended to be historically accurate.
Band info and images provided by rateyourmusic
Playlists created on 8tracks
Top Left Image: Johnny Ramone
Top Right Image: Stevie Ze
Bottom Image: Grover Cleveland, Suicide Girls, Adolf Hitler, SpongeBob, God, The Black Serpent, and Everybody, me included...with a knife
"Stephen Grover Cleveland" interlude by Sam Seiler