The Top 50 Songs of 2008

Pitchfork Brigade + The Top 150 Songs of 2008
Part 1: Pre-Planned Destination on the Outskirts of Heredity
Part 2: Gluten Free Nation
Part 3: Handling Success
Part 4: The Pitchfork Brigade
Part 5: Our Corporate Sponsored Panel of Experts
Part 6: No Future

Part V: Our Corporate Sponsored Panel of Experts

Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.

50. Jay Reatard
"Night Of Broken Glass"  2:23
Singles 06-07
Memphis, TN (1980-2010)

The media remained relentless with assault long after the sentencing. Justice has finally been served and it was great decision by the jury and the Honorable Judge who sent this menace away forever. They continuously slammed his entire life, the film, and everything he stood for. T-shirts and slogans were ratified stating: “Gluten-Free and Proud!!!”

49. The Explorers Club
"Honey, I Don't Know Why"  2:59
Freedom Wind
Charleston, SC

Long after the sentencing, commemoratives were held to benefit the victims and the victim’s families. It wasn’t just the media, a significant portion of the influenced society engaged in these tributes as well. People spoke of Brandon Kindle as a degenerative tyrant and hoped that he died soon. He was the most hated person in America.

48. Joseph Arthur
"I Wanna Get You Alone"  4:07
Crazy Rain
Akron, OH/New York, NY

Television commentators and announcers repeatedly offered advice as to how the situation should be handled, how people needed to react, how they needed to conduct themselves from this moment as we move forward, and what additional actions needed taken. They proposed the film should be banned entirely. Can you imagine, being a rape victim, or a member of the victim’s family, and then seeing this movie available in stores? Do you know how disgusted that would make you feel? This movie needs to be completely wiped off the planet Earth. People should give back every dime they wasted on this movie, the agency that distributed it needs to be shut down, and every person involved with the making of this film should never be allowed to produce another film ever again… they should all be banned for life.

47. Vampire Weekend
"A-Punk"  2:17
Vampire Weekend
New York, NY

Society responded the only way they knew how. All commentators were obviously experts in every field and people know this. Their voices were heard, and any establishment that carried the film Gluten Free Nation was subject to harsh treatment. The agency was attacked and all association with the film was chastised. The brigade even covered the walls of the film studio with photos of innocent girls crying and erecting crosses as a tribute to rape victims of America. Finally, they took the advice of the TV commentary and the film was banned nationally and even outlawed. Possession of this movie became a crime subject to strict fines and/or jail time.

46. My Morning Jacket
"Highly Suspicious"  3:05
Evil Urges
Louisville, KY

As a convicted serial rapist, Brandon Kindle was repeatedly abused in prison. The guards led a group of thugs into a room and blocked the door. They beat Brandon down and took turns raping him. Each member was ruthlessly forceful with penetrating his virgin anus and pounded it intensely. One humungous brute jumped on Brandon’s back and held his head into the air by the bottom of his chin, forcing his mouth open. Several members of the gang took turns ramming their cocks into his mouth and cumming in his mouth and on his face. Each of them ejaculated and covered him with massive eruptions of semen; all over his back, on his face, in his mouth, on and inside his ass.

45. Neil Diamond
"If I Don't See You Again"  7:13
Home Before Dark
New York, NY/Beverly Hills, CA

During his brief stint as a celebrity, one café in which the film was shot decorated the interior with photographs and other memoirs honoring the film. There were numerous photo collages depicting various scenes and they even displayed the authentic “if you want to have sex with me, just ask” official T-shirt on the wall. There were even photos of Brandon Kindle posing with members of management and other employees proudly displayed on the walls. At the request of the media, coupled with vandalism conducted by a rash of rape victims not even associated with the case, all memorabilia was removed from the walls, taken down, and destroyed.

44. Martha Wainwright
"Jimi"  5:24
I Know You're Married But I've Got Feelings Too
Montreal, QC, Canada/New York, NY

Sitting in prison, Brandon Kindle hated the entire world. Prison was a cliché. Society was a cliché. There inmates were equally as stupid as the dim wits from the outside world. Their entire lifestyle behind these walls became a cliché. The reasons they were here was a cliché. It was the same routine daily and they were acting exactly like how they were supposed to act according to stories claiming the rules of inmate life. He hated all of them, the guards, the warden, the orderlies, and most of all, the society that built this prison. He wondered how many of them were innocent.

43. The Mountain Goats
"Lovecraft In Brooklyn"  3:49
Heretic Pride
Claremont, CA

The rape victims sued the film agency that released the film. They spoke of vile atrocities and how their lives were completely ruined beyond repair because they empowered a sexual predator. “Rightly so.” News of the lawsuits made headline news and commentators from every news source offered the exact same opinion. They agreed that the film company should be ordered to pay retribution to all of the tragic victims and their families. They supported all intentions to bankrupt the agency and for all employees involved to be unemployed and live in poverty for life. They never should have released this awful film in the first place.

42. Cheveu
"Superhero"  3:24
Paris, France

Any person associated with the film was ordered to pay restitution; even those with but a small role who did not even receive compensation. They were fined a minimum of $100 apiece, and that was to be donated to the victim’s families. Furthermore, the government enacted a law stating that the film had violated numerous obscenity charges and those who did not pay the fine would be imprisoned… not to mention their credit report negated and wages garnished. Random girls would suddenly start crying suggesting that they had been raped previously and should be awarded $100 as well.

41. MoHa!
"Too Smart Enough To Think"  3:15
One-Way Ticket to Candyland
Stavanger, Norway

It was a huge struggle and intense hard work to create this film that had been dubbed as “brilliant.” Now, they had lost everything. All persons involved with the creation of this movie were attacked, fined more than they owned, and exiled from society. Even the University in which they attended was discredited.

40. The Raveonettes
"Aly, Walk With Me"  4:59
Lust Lust Lust
Køpenhagen, Denmark

Brandon succumbed to misery in that prison cell and refused to speak to anybody. He was constantly mistreated and not one single person was pleasant towards him. They heckled him, verbally abused him, and constantly instigated him… even when he was trying to be left alone. Finally, he reached his breaking point and bashed another inmate in the mouth with his lunch tray. A gang of much lauded violent criminals pounced on Brandon and beat him angrily. He tried to ward them off and resorted to dirty violent tactics. The guards entered and beat Brandon even further with their clubs. He kicked one of them in the nuts, but the violent criminals and the guards beat him unconscious and he was temporarily in a coma from severe head trauma and several broken bones. He later recovered… physically.

39. Fucked Up
"Twice Born"  4:27
The Chemistry of Common Life
Toronto, ON, Canada

At last, he was awarded a new lawyer and an appeal was set. Brandon plead his innocence and spoke of the constant abuse he was enduring in prison. Because he could not prove his innocence, the lawyer claimed that he would not be able to reverse the verdict unless new evidence was brought forth. They were hoping for a reduced sentence and possibly a transfer to a different location due to the harshness in this maximum security state prison.

38. No Age
"Eraser"  2:41
Los Angeles, CA

Nobody visited Brandon and It seemed they all had abandoned him. However, he finally did receive one visitor… Courtney. It was a pleasure seeing her and he questioned whether or not he would see any of his old friends or family ever again. She claimed that the prosecutors had been pestering her to come forth and admit she was raped. There was not one ounce of doubt in her mind that Brandon was innocent and could even recall them being together during the period in which primary victim claimed to be raped.

37. Boris
"Shoot!"  5:02
Tokyo, Japan

Monica Summers, one of the stars of the Gluten Free Catastrophe, agreed to appear on a talk show. The goal was to clear up the multitude of allegations she had been faced with, clarify that the film did not actually demonize gluten free diets, and simply allow her voice to be heard. When she walked on the stage, she was passionately booed by the audience (at the command of the illuminated sign commanding the audience who they should respond). She was slammed by the talk show host, ganged up on by other “guests” consisting of doctors, experts, and other rape victims, and subject to verbal assaults by random members of the audience… the insults directed towards her was cheered loudly, applauded, and the most climactic of clichés received standing ovations.

36. Clinic
"Corpus Christi"  3:09
Do It!
Liverpool, England

Any person who testified in behalf of Brandon Kindle was stoned publicly by all facets of the media. They claimed that these people supported rape and were still being insensitive to the victims and the victim’s families. They basically kept repeating the same process over and over again until people believed every ounce of their expertise. Several of them had their homes vandalized and they were frequently ambushed by news crews adjoined with hundreds of angry girls who had been raped slewing typical insults towards them. They too were deemed rapists and people felt they should be arrested for attempting to cover evidence and acting as an accomplice.

35. The Magnetic Fields
"Old Fools"  3:02
Boston, MA/New York, NY

The TV commentators expertly crafted the only acceptable way any person should respond to this tragedy. “When you examine the facts surrounding this travesty, you have to consider exactly what these victims must have gone through and how their families are going to suffer forever. Their lives have been changed, and changed for the worst. You absolutely can NOT defend this guy. Saying he was misunderstood? Or that he did not do it? The evidence was there and justice was served… end of discussion. The guy had everything handed to him his entire life, and abused it. He became corrupted as a celebrity thinking he is above the law. I want you to look at this picture (holds up a framed photo of a teenage girl smiling)(the commentator now becomes intensely angry and serious). Look at this! This girl is a rape victim. Look at it. Look at it closely. I want you to look at this picture, and tell me that this Brandon Kindle is innocent.

34. Los Campesinos!
"You! Me! Dancing!"  6:46
Hold on Now, Youngster...
Cardiff, Wales

TV would periodically flash images of girls crying as a reminder how awful these victims must be suffering. They would request moments of silence for those who had been victimized… a reminder that billions of women are raped each day. They also added clips of Brandon Kindle in his most menacing poses, his mug shot; or, him smiling and having fun while the victims continue to suffer. Victims, our mothers, our daughters, our wives, our sisters… they were all raped and he enjoyed all of it. Some girl sitting in a bar brought up the case in discussion, cried… another girl, let’s have a shot for all the victims and the victim’s families.

33. Resplandor
"Oeste"  4:59
Lima, Peru

Additional commentaries were aired suggesting how this verdict disproves the entire lifestyle conveyed in the film. Anything that the movie attacked was countered with “at least none of them are serial rapists. None of our sponsors raped any of the billions of women being raped each day.” Left-wingers have a delusional sense of reality because they have lost God. That everything they ultimately stand for is wrong. America is perfectly fine and in better shape without this imbecile and his hate filled nonsensical rants.

32. Kelley Stoltz
"To Speak To The Girl"  3:00
Circular Sounds
San Francisco, CA

Alas, came the rise of gluten-free sympathy. Diet and allergies were added to the discrimination list and corporations had to employ at least one person with a gluten allergy. Furthermore, people with gluten allergies were given discounts and tax breaks. There was a spread of overwhelming kindness to those with gluten-free diets. After they asked the clerk at the bakery, “are any of these cream filled donuts gluten-free?” they were applauded. “We have a gluten free!” People would approach them with remarks such as “Oh, you’re gluten-free? I have a friend who is also gluten-free- you two should meet.” These exact same people were still unaccepting to the gay and lesbian community however, and many of them hated black people and wished Mexicans were not permitted into the country.

31. The Last Shadow Puppets
"Black Plant"  4:00
The Age of the Understatement
Sheffield, England

Those on a gluten-free diet also came forth with lawsuits claiming to be a victim. They sued the film, imprisoned Brandon Kindle, and the bankrupted agency and won numerous cases and was awarded large settlements penalizing people who were already penniless. Women with gluten allergies would appear on morning talk shows and cry, sob, and relate how terrible life had become since being diagnosed in the first place. Then we have this move…we are victims too. Live on daytime TV: The woman with the gluten-free allergy broke down and cried. The audience was dreadfully silent and some of the members shed tears themselves as they watched in agony. Amidst the terrified quiet audience, the cameras remained on the mournful gluten allergenic crying in her chair on the stage. The host who looked seriously concerned attempted to comfort her, faced the camera: “We’ll be right back.” They went to a commercial… Wonder Bread.

30. The Young Republic
"She Comes And Goes"  4:08
12 Tales From Winter City
Boston, MA

Through an obvious loophole in the due process system, a date was set for the appeal hearing. This was proof that the constitution needed revision to keep criminals like this from becoming famous. Courtney once again visited Brandon in prison, to wish him luck and inform him that her father will be testifying again. It occurred to Brandon that Courtney was now his only friend in the world and he despised the fact that he denied himself of ever telling her how he truly felt. He almost did during the visitation room, but she said she was focused on the trial and working with the attorneys… the time wasn’t appropriate. She seemed to think that he was going to receive a “not-guilty” verdict this time.

29. Quiet Village
"Victoria's Secret"  3:32
Silent Movie
London, England

The case was exactly like the first one, only a bit more intense. Also, the odds were more stacked against him this time because the world already knew he was guilty. The courtroom was filled with crying girls who were either rape victims or gluten allergenics. Courtney testified in behalf of his character, stated that there was no way possible, revealed their entire relationship since high school, and elaborated how he was a staunch supporter of women’s rights and always had been. She was ridiculed, openly booed, and caused disorder in the court. The news blasted her on TV.

28. Rings
"Double Thanks"  6:37
Black Habit
New York, NY

Courtney’s father took the stand. He stated that he was a proud Republican and devout Christian at the local church. Also, he was a small business owner, owned the bagel café which now featured an extensive line of gluten-free bagels, and an upstanding model citizen. Like Courtney did before him, he offered his whole analysis of Brandon Kindle, and it was the opposite of hers. Bert did not care much for Brandon Kindle, viewed him as problematic all through school, did not approve of his daughter’s relationship with him, and even said he was ugly. Furthermore, he went into great details about how he hated the movie (he actually watched at the request of Courtney) and offered a critique that made the entire courtroom laugh and cheer. Everybody loved Bert! He was discussed in the news by the commentators as everything America should be proud of; everything Kindle should be ashamed of; his daughter needed some improvements.

27. The Cool Kids
"Black Mags"  3:11
The Bake Sale
Chicago, IL

Bert presented to the courtroom Exhibition A. It was the prosecution who had called him to the stand, he was their witness. Furthermore, the primary victim went into great details the precise time and location that Brandon Kindle committed the atrocious act of rape upon her. Courtney’s father had video evidence indicating exactly where Brandon Kindle was at that precise moment and what exactly he was doing. And there he was, with the time and date revealed, from the surveillance video of the business he owned, there was Brandon Kindle, sitting at a table with Courtney, eating bagels and laughing about who knows what. “As much as I do not like this kid’s politics or viewpoints on anything,” Bert concluded, “a rapist, HE IS NOT. Bert proceeded to give an elaborate commentary of his own, how they should all be ashamed of themselves, stop being brainwashed by what people tell us on TV. Maybe, if we had an open mind more often, little assholes like Brandon Kindle here might stop making movies about us.” It was dead quiet when he stepped off the witness stand.

26. Fuck Buttons
"Race You To My Bedroom/Spirit Rise"  9:20
Street Horrrsing
Bristol, England

Other people brought forth evidence… pictures and videos that occurred during the times the prosecution allotted. The media had been covering the trial extensively, but mysteriously disappeared after Courtney’s father testified. Protestors were still outraged. The prosecution calmly stated the times might have been slightly inaccurate, but failed to give any reasonable time table; spoke how victims of such horrible crimes are easily disoriented. Brandon and Courtney sat at Bert’s Bagels for so long that evening, that it negated 4 of the alleged rapes. It was obvious in that video that Courtney and Brandon looked happy together, and they sat close to each conversing for hours at Bert’s Bagels. They jury quickly and unanimously made their decision. Brandon Kindle was found innocent and acquitted of all charges. He was now a free man!

Top Image by: Dr. Phil
Bottom Image by: The Curt Jester

No comments:

Post a Comment

Popular Posts