2012/08/16

The Top 100 Songs of 1970

The Top 125 Songs of 1970 + Three Days In Sheboygan, WI
Part 1: The Manifestation of a Curse
Part 2: Winners of The Ultimate Dream Vacation
Part 3: Love Affairs Between the Dead and the Living
Part 4: A Great Terror is Among Us
Part 5: This Chair



Part II: Winners of The Ultimate Dream Vacation


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.



100. Van Morrison
"And It Stoned Me" 4:34
Moondance
Belfast, Northern Ireland

Benny Crofton thought that he had life so incredibly rough that it might have been the worst possible state of being in the history of the Universe. He spent his days dreaming of that dream vacation he would soon be embarking. Maybe he could go fishing, or boating, or fine dining at an exquisite fish fry. Regardless, he knew his vacation was going to be spent “up north,” which is Wisconsin lingo for traveling to Northern Wisconsin. Benny had only left the state of Wisconsin three times in his life—a weekend trip to Chicago, an excursion to Minnesota, and somehow mysteriously travelled abroad to Germany for a week.

99. Eric Burdon & War
"Spill the Wine" 4:02
Eric Burdon Declares "War"
Los Angeles, CA

Milwaukee Public Radio had announced they were giving away the ultimate dream vacation—A Three Day Trip to Gorgeous Sheboygan Wisconsin!!! Benny lived in Waukesha and thought he was extremely cool and freakishly weird because he listened to Public Radio. Once he heard about the upcoming contest, Benny could do nothing but envision him and his prize winning stereotypical Wisconsin girlfriend, Patty Cunningham, retreating to lovely sanctuary known as Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Together, they would drink fancy wine straight out of the bottle and go fishing for catfish—it was Patty’s favorite.

98. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
"Carry On / Questions" 4:28
Déjà Vu
Los Angeles, CA + Toronto, ON

Barbara Beaumont lived in an old house in Sheboygan, WI. It was a residential neighborhood, but her neighbors were fairly distant. Strange things had happened in this house, and many believed Barbara to be a strange woman. During her 39 years living in this home, she had succumbed to madness. Her husband passed away 38.6 years ago from mysteriously falling off the roof of this home. Although it looked quaint on the inside, terrifying images and disturbing sequences of events were prone to take place at any moment. Barbara periodically walked through who antiquely decorated dining carrying a butcher knife and a pleasant smile—only to drop the knife in the living room.

97. Loretta Lynn
"Coal Miner's Daughter" 2:48
Coal Miner's Daughter
Butcher Holler, KY

Petry Beaumont never belonged in this small town—even though her mother thought she did. Barbara assumed that Petry had mental issues because she was unhappy living in Sheboygan, WI. The loneliness was gripping, but she sensed a curse in this area; Petry assumed she was the curse. However, the entire town was cursed, not just Petry. She was plagued at night with haunting visions of a cursed clown. Maybe, she thought, the clown was trying to make her happy. Or, this clown was an ironic metaphor of her own quest for happiness that was non-existent in Sheboygan.

96. Paul McCartney
"Maybe I'm Amazed" 3:53
McCartney
Liverpool, England

Since being shot in that forest nearly two centuries ago, Klines The Clown lived with the dead but was capable of walking with the living. The world he no longer recognized, and it was quite obvious they had cursed themselves. Klines had been delegated the role of an evil clown—that dreaded spirit to remind the human race that they were capable of committing murderous acts of atrocity. It had been an easy role for he despised everybody who had ever resided in Sheboygan since being gunned down that August 21st in the past. Petry Beaumont, however, was different. Even though he was dead and haunting the town, he felt something for Petry in which he had never felt. There was obviously immense confusion that accompanies being a dead clown and madly in love with a mortal lost soul.

95. Credence Clearwater Revival
"Hey Tonight" 2:44
Pendulum
El Cerrito, CA

Benny and Patty were the proud lucky winners of The Grand Prize awarded on Milwaukee Public Radio! They were caller #18. Hello caller, who is this? “It’s Benny Crofton!” he shouted excitedly into the receiver. “Benny! You and a loved one are going to dazzling Sheboygan, Wisconsin!” There was a series of inaudible shouting into the telephone and the radio aired what sounded like a wind storm blowing into a warzone. The two jumped up and down, cheering; Patty cried. “Oh my God! I can’t believe we are going to Sheboygan, Wisconsin.”

94. May Blitz
"I Don't Know" 4:49
May Blitz
London, England

There was too much anticipation leading up their dream vacation. They could not wait to be removed from the hustle and bustle of Waukesha, Wisconsin and relax in the quaint coziness of stunningly beautiful Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Patty spent one entire paycheck on new clothes that she felt would be essential for their 4-day vacation. In fact, the couple filled the entire trunk of their car and the entire backseat full of luggage to take on the 2 hour trip. They brought every single towel that they owned.

93. Negative Space
"Living Dead" 3:40
Hard, Heavy, Mean & Evil
New Jersey

Like fat women, ghosts need loving too. There are numerous movies and books in which a spirit (a ghost) has developed a perceived fondness for a living person. In most cases, the love struck ghost is perceived as evil or “the bad guy.” However, the partner in which the living subject is currently in a relationship with is typically a stupid mother fucking douche. It should be a no-brainer for a person to wish to be with the dead person capable of emerging into the living world rather than some asshole who offers no such appeal and his/her presence isn’t felt anywhere. But, all of the deceased have had a difficult time finding a soul mate; except for the four female Nokopones who had it easy.

92. Allen Toussaint
"From A Whisper To A Scream" 3:30
Toussaint
New Orleans, LA

Because of the success the female Nokopones had at scoring a soul mate, the region was even more considered cursed as a result. A peculiar series of events led to a suicide several years ago. A young man by the name of Alexander Hubbard had led a cursed life. Everywhere he went, strange things seemed to happen. Should another woman become close to him, she mysteriously drowned in the backyard pool of 1488 W. 23rd Street. Many of these women complained about paranormal activities in their homes and had horrific visions of a massacre. Alexander, too, had been acting strangely. On his last day, he was heard in the bathroom speaking to one, telling some person named Penny, “I love you too.” He walked out to the garage and drilled a hole in the center of his head; he was now free to be with his soul mate.

91. MC5
"The Human Being Lawnmower" 2:25
Back in the USA
Detroit, MI

Benny worked at a restaurant and his job solely consisted of rolling silverware. For 6.5 hours a day, he sat and did nothing but wrap silverware. In the evenings after work, he would often complain to Patty how difficult his job had become and frequently chastised the policies of the company. It was such fucking bullshit how they switched to a different napkin without consulting with him first. These miserable fucking assholes have no fucking clue what wrapping silverware is like and would probably roll the silverware in dog shit if it weren’t for Benny being such a fucking diabolical Lord of the Silverware. Patty loved him! She declared that he rolled silverware like no other. This fucking asshole Benny actually worried the restaurant would crumble to shambles without him there rolling the mother fucking silverware.

90. Syd Barrett
"Terrapin" 5:05
The Madcap Laughs
Cambridge, England (1946-2006)

To most, it appeared that Leonard suffered a chronic masturbation addiction. He had been caught masturbating several times and was prone to whip that little thing out anywhere. Leonard told everybody that he wasn’t jerking off, but making sweet passionate love to his girlfriend—a Nokopone Indian who appeared constantly. This led to a series of questions about his mental stability and he was committed to the local asylum. The rest of the asylum appeared to be haunted as bizarre nightmarish occurrences happened daily; during these periods of severe disturbances, Leonard was choking his chain in a padded cell. Finally, he hung himself in order to be free to be with his soul mate. After the suicide, the supernatural activity stopped occurring in that asylum.

89. Quicksilver Messenger Service
"Fresh Air" 5:18
Just for Love
San Francisco, CA

The men who died were not having quite as much luck. But then again, they did not put forth much effort either. For the most part, they were not interested in living people, a soul mate, and found enough bliss being dead and haunting the village. Even though they were to gain a degree of spiritual strength and wisdom upon finding a soul mate amongst the living, they had thousands of years to make this decision. The Universe wasn’t leaving any time soon, and they enjoyed the pleasures associated with revenge and wreaking havoc on the community who massacred them.

88. The Insect Trust
"The Eyes Of A New York Woman" 3:13
Hoboken Saturday Night
Hoboken, NJ

Allison like girls, even though some felt that she was not supposed to. The town of Sheboygan viewed her as a hellion simply because she would rather be with a woman instead of a man. It was the conservative elders who struggled with this the most and assumed it was the devil who have gave her the desire to lick a nice wet pussy over having an oppressive obtrusive cock rammed into her ass the way Aunt Connie preferred. Dionneta, the 3rd of the Nokopone Women found this antagonism of the white community alluring and eventually fell in love with Allison. One night that church burnt to the ground (the same night the community was praying for Allison who had become possessed by a demon) and Allison was never seen again.

87. Yes
"Time And A Word" 4:40
Time And A Word
London, England

Klines conducted a meeting and informed the others that his haunting days may be put on temporary hiatus. He had fallen in love with a woman named Petry Beaumont and was willing to pursue her at all costs. The others approved and offered nothing but kind words of encouragement. Most agreed that they made a splendid couple.

86. Sir Lord Baltimore
"Lady Of Fire" 2:53
Kingdom Come
New York, NY

Barbara Beaumont found the supernatural occurrences within her community utterly disturbing. She summoned the Priest and engaged in various religious practices she assumed would break the curse. The curse was never broken. However, Barbara showed no fear and openly confronted demons on the streets. She carried around a cross and performed exorcist rituals, only to be mocked by The Clowns. It was total warfare between the two.

85. Rare Earth
"(I Know) I'm Losing You" 3:40
Ecology
Detroit, MI

Steve Billingsley assumed he was the epitome of every woman’s ideal man. Because Petry appealed to him, he thought that he had the right to approach her; and that she absolutely had to be his. Petry, on the other hand, had no interest in him and even despised being near him. She was considered a troubled youth, but was of legal age and capable of making her own decisions. Barbara and Steve thought it was her depleting mental psychosis that made Steve unappealing to her and why she was moving out. “I’ll work with her,” Steve insisted as he continuously tried every cliché possible to please her. When she ignored him and was moving out of parent’s home, he sensed that maybe she liked somebody else. But why?

84. Bloodrock
"Children's Heritage" 2:59
Bloodrock 2
Fort Worth, TX

Like her mother, Petry showed no fear when visited by spirits from the dead. Unlike her mother, Petry’s visits were not that of evil haunting; rather it was the opposite. One day she was lounging around on her couch and the door mysteriously opened. Nobody was present, and a heart shaped box of chocolates mysteriously floated through the room and on the table in front of her. Whenever she would leave, the door would calmly open for her and she felt the presence of a soft kiss on her cheek. When she returned home, all of the dishes were done, her laundry folded and neatly pressed, the house was clean, and dinner was awaiting her. Klines the Clown was voted the best dead house husband in the world.

83. Human Instinct
"Stoned Guitar" 6:46
Stoned Guitar
Auckland, New Zealand

Occasionally, Petry would be able to actually see Klines. Sometimes lying awake at night, she could feel his presence and she would look up to find a clown sitting in her bedroom watching her sleep. She would stare at him awkwardly, and he would often smile and wave at her; she would smile and fall back asleep. However, whenever Steve or Barbara would come visit, he was not as kind. One evening, Steve was bolted up inside the bathroom and a band of Nokopone Indians emerged from the shower with hatchets and knives. Steve was so frightened that he cried and vowed never to return to this place of death.

82. Stray
"Son of the Father" 5:49
Stray
London, England

When Benny and Patty arrived to the appropriate address, they were a bit surprised to discover that they were not staying at a grand luxurious hotel. In fact, it wasn’t a hotel at all—it was Barbara Beaumont’s house. Barbara, now 73, greeted them and welcomed the couple into her home. It was a quaint home, and luckily their room was big enough to fit the massive amount of luggage they had brought along. It was a bit awkward, to say the least, when Barbara entered their bedroom and sat on the bed. She had a list of activities they would be engaging in, even though Benny and Patty didn’t want to be hanging around with her monkey ass.

81. Armaggedon
"Better By You, Better Than Me" 4:36
Armaggedon
Berlin, Germany

Trouble started almost immediately. Barbara inquired as to why Benny and Patty needed to bring so many towels into her home for simply a 3 day visit. It began as a friendly joke for Benny and Patty literally had two entire suitcases filled with nothing but towels. Patty took offense to Barbara examining her towels as she was going through their luggage rummaging through all of the contents contained within. They nearly got into an argument over the green towels Barbara said was ugly, and suddenly the lamp on the end table suddenly dropped and busted. Barbara held out her cross and said out a few unusual chants; Benny and Patty seemed confused.

80. Rod Stewart
"Lady Day" 4:11
Gasoline Alley
London, England

Norman Beaumont fell out of favor with his family. He never was caught up in any such curse and attempted to ignore all of the hysteria surrounding it. He was but a worker and a man who only sought the dignity of an honest week’s pay. The “troubles” of Petry did not seem that bad to him; he supported her and wished her to be happy. Barbara basically became a bitch after Petry left and she became unmanageable. Finally, Norman gave in to alcoholism and eventually drank himself to the grave. That is, he was blackout drunk and Barbara ordered him to clean the gutters; his drunk ass fell off the roof.

79. The Temptations
"It's Summer" 2:36
Psychedelic Shack
Detroit, MI

Benny and Patty were thrilled to spend some quality time together doing what they enjoyed best—fishing. They walked to the lake hand-in-hand and frolicked happily along the beach. Hearts were seen rising from their heads as they kissed on the beach; witnesses vomited after seeing this gruesome display of affection. The two of them took a boat to the lake and Patty caught a fish—a big one too. And when she threw it back into the lake, she accidentally fell in and nearly drowned.

78. Gordon Lightfoot
"If You Could Read My Mind" 3:52
Sit Down Young Stranger
Toronto, ON, Canada

Klines the Clown was struggling with the notion that he was a ghost who had fallen in love with Petry. It was difficult to tell what she was thinking because he was but a love-struck ghost. The only way they could ever be together was for Petry to have to die. This is a most difficult decision contemplating killing somebody just to go on a date with her. His love was growing stronger each day and he wanted more than anything for her to get plowed down by the city bus in order to be able to be with her physically. When she got out of the shower, the words “Be Mine Forever” was written in the fog of the mirror.

77. Traffic
"Every Mother's Son" 7:08
John Barleycorn Must Die
Birmingham, England

Kevin the Clown slapped Klines upside the head and called him a stupid ass mother fucking retard. “God damn you’re stupid. How do you tell her? Nigga please, you cook her mother fucking God damn dinner every night. Write her a mother fucking note.” So, he wrote her a mother fucking note, and stuck it the refrigerator. Dear Petry, I love you but I am dead. I can’t tell you how I was able to write this note, but I hope you die soon so we can be together forever. I left some information about me on the table. Obviously, Klines was not going to be hired by Hallmark anytime soon and Petry was unsure how to take the note. She observed the news story of the dead clowns and it occurred to her that maybe this was the cat who had been watching her sleep every night.

76. Hair
"Dream Song" 10:19
Piece
Copenhagen, Denmark

Late in the evening, Petry awoke from her sleep in the middle of the night just to find Klines lying in the bed right next to her. She was startled at first seeing a Clown in her bed so close to her, but quickly calmed down. He kept eying her and even tried to kiss her; she kissed him back, but neither could feel it. Petry asked a series of questions, but his voice was not heard. She handed him a piece of paper and a pen and they wrote each other notes. After a few notes back and forth, Klines the Clown completely faded and all that could be seen was the pen moving across the paper. Women who do not fall for clichés sometimes dig guys who are completely awkward while attempting to sound sweet. When Klines faded, she was a bit saddened that she could no longer see him. The last thing he wrote her was: “Trust me, you won’t really be dead.” It took several days for her to consider this, but she faced reality: this world was not for her. Klines wrote her a prescription for some sleeping pills, took the whole bottle, and the pills gradually took effect, she went from lying next to the ghost of Klines, unable to touch one another, to being next to Kline’s physically with his hands able to finally comfort her. She smiled, and nestled in closer and the two slept soundly cuddling in each other’s arms.







Top Image by: http://www.mcsfa.org/
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