Chapter 1: An Adult Superstore
Chapter 2: Free Cock Rings With a $12 Purchase
Chapter 3: Our Place in the World
Chapter 4: Fast and Bulbous
Chapter II: Free Cock Rings With a $12 Purchase
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
75. Kaleidoscope (UK)
"Faintly Blowing" 4:12
I would advise all business owners to invest in a quality sound system, regardless of products being sold. Phillip Bryson, manager of a grocery store chain once claimed, “never underestimate the powers of The Great Piggly Wiggly.” People need food. But, they play dog shit for music over the intercom. People just gather what they need and get the fuck out of there. We countered with “never underestimate the power of music and people’s desire to be regarded as weird or different. Keep Austin Weird, If You’re Too Weird For Asheville, You’re Too Weird. All major cities with they could state this…and we gave them the chance. We were soon more prominent than the almighty Piggly Wiggly and the savage brute known as Pick ‘N’ Save.
74. Canned Heat
"Time Was" 3:23
Los Angeles, CA
Our return policy proved even more profitable than we could have imagined. At first, we had adopted a no refunds or exchanges on sex toys. But, we questioned the fairness of it. Darcy had been a fairly regular customer and claimed her vibrator had malfunctioned while still in her pussy. We told her she couldn’t bring it back used. She not only complained, but lifted up her skirt, pulled her panties to the side to demonstrate the defective merchandise. She was right (and hot), we were embarrassed, so we let her exchange it. As soon as the foxy babe left, a bidding war started between a group of truckers who wished to purchase Darcy’s used vibrator. The defective $26 item sold to a trucker for $200.
73. Grateful Dead
"St. Stephen" 4:28
San Francisco, CA
Truckers and hippies formed an everlasting friendship. They initially met at The Adult Superstore where truckers took pleasure in the fact that hippies practiced free love. Many of them would flock from The Adult Superstore to The Hash Lounge…together, hand-in-hand. The truckers gave up popping speed for the evening and shockingly, landed many of the hippies relatively decent paying jobs on the loading dock. All night wild parties were prone to take place in the backs of the rigs. Sadly, truckers fucking hippies sometimes caused an undesirable smell.
"Na Drugim Brzegu Tęczy" 4:00
Na Drugim Brzegu Tęczy
Tourists ask the same fucking questions here too. “Excuse me, can I ask you a question? Do you guys ship?” Yes, mother fucker, we send shit out in the mother fucking mail. “How does this work?” Simple, you pick out whatever the fuck you want and we’ll send it to you. “So, you mean I can have this 16” black strap-on dildo delivered to my door?” You certainly can!
"Peace of Mind" 3:08
“Hi! My Aunt Suzi used this one vibrator at this one place 13 years ago, do you guys carry that vibrator?” What kind was it? “I thought you would know.” Can you describe it? “It vibrated in her pussy and made a noise like this (HMMNMNMN). You know the one I am talking about, right?” Wrong! “How can you not know this?” Do you have a video of Aunt Suzi using this vibrator? “I do.” Then send us the video and we’ll see if we carry it. “Can I ship the video?” Yes. “Do you ship? Can I have that exact same vibrator shipped to me? And another one for Aunt Suzi? It broke off in her muff and now she’s in a coma…we think it will revive her. That, or we might have to take her off life support.”
70. Glen Campbell
Billstown, AR/Phoenix, AZ
“Hi! We’re from out of town. Just a quick question for ya…can you take vibrators on an airplane?” So long as you don’t arm the vibrator with explosives, I think you will be fine. “OK, I want to use the vibrator first, I’m going to be in town for a few days, and I want to use it at the hotel. I’m not really interested in seeing any of the sights in this city, I’m just here on business and want to plunge my pussy while we are not in conference. So, is it OK if I bring a used vibrator on the plane?” People do that all the time. “Can I put it on my carry on?” Sure, but I don’t recommend using the vibrator while on the plane. “Why not?” I don’t know, fuck it, go ahead. “Do you think they will be able to smell it at the airport? Like, they have dogs at the airport, and I don’t want them barking at me because they can smell the vibrator? If they smell it and search my bags, they won’t take it away from me will they?” So long as your pussy doesn’t smell like high grade reefer.
69. Julie Driscoll
"Those That We Love" 4:49
People actually arrange sex dates from across the world and meet here. Then, they come in and tell us all about it as if we give even a single remote flying fuck. “Christy is from Cincinnati and I am from Wichita, Kansas. We came here just to fuck. I’m looking for something to enhance this. Oh, this.” They don’t just pay for the shit and leave. “We met 6 years ago at a conference in Abilene, Texas. I fucked her way back then. You know, I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. I called her every few weeks and let her know how much I appreciated that fine ass of hers. And here we are, 6 years, getting it on for the second time. (Customer returned some hours later wishing to return the negligee he purchased, wishing to exchange for a much larger size, turns out that Christy had gained a lot of weight over the past 6 years).
68. Nick Drake
"Saturday Sun" 4:05
Five Leaves Left
Yangon, Myanmar (Former Burma) (1948)-Tanworth, England (1974)
Yes, I have an invention. I want a vibrator that is body heat activated and has a sensor that knows when I am about to cum. When I’m getting ready to cum, I want it to be able to automatically switch gears for maximum climax. Also, I want the sensor to also be able to detect which spot on my vag provides the greatest stimulation.
67. Jackie DeShannon
"Put a Little Love in Your Heart" 2:36
Put a Little Love in Your Heart
Actually, I want the ultimate pleasure. I wish to have a full body suit that can be electronically programmed to pulsate and vibrate my entire body all at once. This body suit is to come equipped with a full line of vibrating sensors and a pulsating rotating shaft that can be inserted into my hole. Each sensor can provide the perfect amount of stimulation on my tits, my ass, my belly button, my legs, my feet, my back, my neck—all the while vibrating my clit and thrusting the perfectly shaped shaft in and out of my pussy. Each of these sensors can be altered to however I please, and various programs could be stored depending on how I wish to get fucked at that particular moment. I wish to simply lie there on a bed, in this pulsating comfortable body suit and set a timer for however long I wish to do this—average, 18 hours each day. At times, I wish to be able to sleep with it on too.
66. Music Emporium
"Sun Never Shines" 4:02
Los Angeles, CA
I want a vibrator that monitors how many calories I’ve burned during masturbation. Instead of the meter that indicates how many miles you’ve jogged, I want my vibrator to have a meter to indicate how many hours I’ve masturbated. Also, I want to keep track of how many orgasms I’ve had—sort of like an odometer reading—orgasms had this session, orgasms had this whole day, orgasms had this month, orgasms had total. Then, I could be in the Guinness Book of World Records with viable evidence that I brought myself to 46 orgasms in less than an hour. (Woman in line behind her: “46? Bitch, that ain’t shit.)
Los Angeles, CA
Yes, I want a recording device too. Supposedly, these new Real Deal Pulsating Pussy things are designed to improve stamina and I want to know if it is working. I want it to be able to keep track how many times I humped it before blowing my wad down into the bottom of it. Once I have proof that it is actually working, I will regain confidence and possibly attempt to have sex with a real woman again. Fuck it, who am I kidding? That will never happen.
64. Jorge Ben
"Cadê Tereza" 3:24
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Hi. I like have no interest in ever being in another relationship again, but I would like to start a family. So, I was wondering if it would be possible to put a set of ovaries and a uterus inside the Real Deal Pulsating Pussy. We could attach a belly and a womb to the top of The Real Deal Pulsating Pussy so that away I can conceive children. A belly button is OK, but no titties…I plan on trying out this breast feeding thing myself. Also, please make sure that it does not ever come equipped with a mouth—that would ruin everything.
63. Bernard Estardy
"Cha Tatch Ka" 2:27
La Formule du Baron
Paris, France (1939-2006)
Since we owned multiple establishments, we could have products to be used elsewhere. That’s when we opened an erotic dance floor in the basement of The Hash Lounge and dedicated one night a week to all night dance parties. Of course, our dance “hits” were different than other clubs; as was the dress attire. The ideal hot risqué clothes could be purchased at The Adult Superstore and worn out to the dance party. All the latest revealing fashions were sold and skimpy skirts with crotch-less panties improved sales significantly. Nobody did the white guy, no douches, no bros, no bimbos.
62. Leo Kottke
"Jesu, Joy Of Man's Desiring" 2:25
6 & 12 String Guitar
Athens, GA/Minneapolis, MN
One day a homeless man showed up in front of The Smoke Shop. This cat was yet another street musician. I give these guys some credit, at least they are trying to offer something. However, most of them suck and there is no excuse for this—especially considering they have nothing else to do besides play their guitars—with all that practice, they still sound like fucking amateurs, I expected better. But, this cat, this cat was something special. We looked outside and there’s a huge crowd of mother fuckers enthralled with this dude’s playing abilities. However, he refused to sign with a label—this cat was genuine. We paid him to play frequently in the parking lot. He was still homeless, never spoke to anybody, never went inside, and anything he earned over $12 he either gave away or burned publicly.
"Come and Get It" 2:23
Magic Christian Music
And so it came: The day that we offered the sale of a lifetime. Sit down and take a deep breath; brace yourself. Are you ready for this? Free cock rings with a $12 purchase. Nope, there was no catch or strings attached. It was that fucking simple: spend $12, and you get a free cock ring. We kept them in a bucket on the front counter and people would dig through them selecting their favorite colors and designs. Our commercial advertising the free cock rings (featuring zealous overly cheerful customers dancing to the jingle sharing their free cock ring experience, as well as a sales rep encouraging viewers to come in and get your free cock ring TODAY) improved sales drastically and mother fucking business was mother fucking booming! Mother fucker!
60. The Soft Machine
"Dada Was Here" 3:26
We analyzed all the possibilities that would make alcohol legal over weed and only found two slight issues. One, smoking the weed may cause respiratory problems for some users. That was easy—we simply made brownies. And, that provided even better effects than smoking it. Two: a person could drink one beer and not feel anything; or a couple beers without getting drunk…just a bit loose. In many cases, marijuana users became really stoned really fast. Therefore, we extracted the THC components the same way one makes brownies and moderated it in various mixtures. This enabled people to enjoy smaller doses and merely feel relaxed…mind enhancement with the intense euphoria.
59. It's A Beautiful Day
"Wasted Union Blues" 4:09
It's A Beautiful Day
San Francisco, CA
With the money we earned from advertising free cock rings, we expanded The Hash Lounge. It extended down a long corridor in the basement alongside The Concert Venue. In all, there were 21 rooms, 10 rooms on either side of the hall with the very back room being the deluxe grand ball room. Ideally, patrons would gradually migrate to the back as they became more baked. The front was for moderate users and socializing; the middle for those fairly high; and the very back was dedicated for total fucking mind blowing bliss. Each room had a different theme. For example: Room #14 featured Acid rock with loud guitars and a bunch of fucking stoners in there standing around doing nothing.
58. Neil Young
"Running Dry (Requiem for the Rockets)" 5:37
Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere
Toronto, ON, Canada
If one migrated more than halfway down the hallway, he/she basically entered a whole another world. The lighting in the hallway was mesmerizing and the music was fucked up and way out of the ordinary. We went to extreme measures to make the experience as other worldly as possible. Slow revolving lights on the floor, bizarre art films, mind expanding music, and we even strategically place trippy looking objects in various places. With our sound system, people truly felt as if they had left the planet Earth. Also, some of the decorations were intentionally humorous to prevent mother fuckers from freaking the fuck out. As a result, some people laughed uncontrollably the entire evening at one thing in particular…the nude Looney Tunes Greek-style statues were a hit). People dressed in the risqué fashions kept certain individuals somewhat entrenched in reality (gotta keep my composure so I can be banging that later on.)
57. Peter Ivers
"Dark Illumination" 4:13
Knight of the Blue Communion
Boston, MA (1946)-Los Angeles, CA (1983)
Sober tourists could have potentially been a major distraction. Nobody wanted to see some fat clumsy sober societal subordinate peaking in and making stupid jokes because he/she simply did not understand the concept. Therefore, halfway down the hallway, we hired security to conduct a sobriety test. However, it was the opposite of a regular sobriety test. Basically, you had to fail the sobriety in order to gain access to the back area; those too sober were not admitted. Some people were required to give a password—regulars. We also discriminated. No, this was not an equal opportunity stoner facility. Roly poly tourists in yellow polos and khaki shorts were not permitted in the back area until they completely failed the sobriety test (they ceased being a simple-minded TV-addicted douche after that). Like the country club, we had a dress code too—except it was the opposite.
56. The Band
"The Unfaithful Servant" 4:15
Toronto, ON, Canada
We noticed an increasing fad in foot fetish porn. There are numerous photo shoots and videos in which the model will strip fully nude and insert a vibrator up her snatch and bring herself to orgasm. The pictures and videos will show absolutely everything and full penetration in all orifices. Yet, despite all of this, with a full repertoire to work with, it will be the woman’s feet featured on the cover. Unfortunately, many men have complained that sucking on a girl’s toes sometimes causes bacterial infections within the mouth. Some have stated that the woman’s feet were dirty, but he/she went ahead and licked them anyway…there is something about women’s feet and painted toe nails that is downright irresistible. Therefore, we designed a revolutionary foot fetish cream that not only tasted great, but killed germs and prevented oral infections. Also, if whitened the teeth. Why? Because we are dedicated to serving YOU.
The Chicago Transit Authority
What a dilemma it must be to have a foot fetish. We conducted a study on this possible mental disorder and reached a multitude of findings. To begin, most had extremely high sex drives and were prone to spend entire fortunes in The Adult Superstore. Perhaps this is because women are permitted to show bare feet anywhere—one can watch hot babes getting a pedicure right on the sidewalk. Also, those with a foot fetish seem to be more sexually liberated than the average person. The strangest finding, however, concluded that those with a foot fetish were the ones LEAST likely to ever commit rape. In fact, ALL of the males who possessed a foot fetish primarily fantasized about being viciously raped by girls, gang raped sometimes, and brutally. Many of them were submissive and could be talked into anything. Word spread throughout the women’s organizations that if a woman knew of somebody with a foot fetish, that she should go ahead and brutally rape him…it’s not like the stupid fucker will call the police (unless he hopes the officer is also a woman and will beat and rape him as well).
54. Vanilla Fudge
"Some Velvet Morning" 7:43
Near the Beginning
New York, NY
We built what we called “The Loud Room.” The Loud Room was a room with perfect acoustics and a loud high quality stereo system. We featured several pay for play loud rooms where people could insert a dollar and select a song to be played on the best sound system of Earth and whatever volume he/she pleased, without any distractions whatsoever. It was here where you could escape the world and hear your song played with the best sound possible. There’s just something about hearing drums loudly, cymbals crashing, bass riff, and thunderous guitars—at a volume that blocks all of life’s bullshit out completely—that is a great stress relief. It’s even better than brownie consumption. Most exhilarating, for $5, you could fuck in The Loud Room.
53. Frank Zappa
"Willie the Pimp" 9:17
Baltimore, MD (1940)-Los Angeles, CA (1993)
We met with the representatives of The Real Deal Pulsating Pussy Company. He greeted us and was excited about a new product. “This is our best feature yet. You see, we’re tired of girls having all the greatest sex toys. Not now- no! See, we used to be committed to making products that felt exactly like warm wet pussy. But, we upped our standards. Now, we have something that feels even better than real pussy. This thing—the revolutionary CX-99. Dig this: to lube it, you lick it, and it tastes just like the pussy of your favorite actress, Rachael Ray. Then, you stick your cock in there and this mother fucker goes to gown. It rotates around your shaft like those spinning vibrators that chicks be using. Also, it vibrates, and has six different power levels. Best yet, it also has a vacuum that clinches and releases on your shaft, and that too has 6 speeds…with this easy to use remote control. Don’t believe me? Here (passes some over and passes them around) stick your cock in that bad boy and check it out. We all whipped out our cocks and tried it. The only problem with it was that it caused premature ejaculation…all of us came in less than 10 seconds, even with The Real Deal representative standing there watching us. “Don’t worry,” he concluded, “you’ll get used to it. You’ll be able to fuck some babe until she can’t handle it anymore…then finish yourself off with the new CX-99. It’s how they’ve been doing us for centuries.”
52. Tim Buckley
"The Train" 7:54
Washington, DC (1947)-Santa Monica, CA (1975)
There are three types of music listeners and our venue primarily targeted only one of them. The first and worst being those who listen to mainstream corporate radio in-between TV programs. These people rarely show up and when they do, they realize in 12 seconds that they do not fit in. They more rule other places in the suburbs, but not at The Concert Venue. The 2nd is public radio fans. They are significantly cooler and the potential is there, and they would definitely love to have the Austin/Asheville keep (insert your city) Weird. However, in order to have the keep your city weird logo, you have to give up radio completely. And, that defines who we target, those who have abandoned radio completely and music is more a way of life rather than background noises.
51. Isaac Hayes
"Walk on By" 12:03
Hot Buttered Soul
Covington, TN (1942)-Memphis, TN (2008)
Despite numerous rumors, there were things that needed cleared up. We posted it right outside the door. We did not have prostitutes nor any hard drugs. Some of those might have happened in places, but they happen anywhere, even Jo-Ann Fabrics. Hookers and dealers were welcome to hang out though…when they got off work.
On the contrary, we do play some mainstream music. The goal was to play whatever was the most creative and most unique. If some of it got popular, then great. We just did not play any top 40 pop hits that lacked any creative brilliance and followed the same formula.
And yes, we do ship dildos.
The Concert Venue and The Hash Lounge did way more business than The Smoke Shop; The Adult Superstore varied accordingly. All did well.
It should also be known that the further you ventured back into The Hash Lounge, the least likely a fight would erupt. The front most areas where people smoked less and things were less weird had the most abrasions, but they were few.
All 21 rooms offered something different, but the real joys began halfway down. We had seating lounges, dance floors, lights, games, pool tables, and brilliant selection of weed from all across the world. We even had pot and hash flights were people got to sample four different types in an elegantly displayed pipe—similar to a beer or wine flight. Some people wished to try all of them and others stuck with their one or two favorites. But, regardless of taste, 99.9% left feeling happy; 40% became a new person altogether—it was a spiritual awakening realizing what was always there.
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