The Top 50 Songs of 1969

The Best of 1969 + The 3 M's of Happiness
Chapter 1: An Adult Superstore
Chapter 2: Free Cock Rings With a $12 Purchase
Chapter 3: Our Place in the World
Chapter 4: Fast and Bulbous

Chapter III: Our Place in the World

Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.

50. John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band
"Give Peace a Chance"  4:54
Give Peace a Chance / Remember Love
Liverpool, England (1940)-New York, NY (1980)

The 3 M’s of Happiness: Music, Marijuana, and Masturbation. Those three elements relieve all forms of stress and tension. However, for whatever reasons, all three have become taboo subjects and even outlawed in many communities. All we want is people to try the three and make their own determination. It’s never good to merely trust doctrines eradicated by those seeking monetary intentions.

49. Norman Greenbaum
"Spirit in the Sky"  4:01
Spirit in the Sky
Malden, MA

You can even sing about Jesus if you want to—so long as you bring the noise. A fat beat and distorted fuzz guitars was in the vein of all that was considered “wrong” and once upon a time, these chords were even abolished by the church. Jesus influenced lyrics should not seem too far stretched though. Jesus, after all, was an anarchist. It was he who rebelled against the hierarchy of the church, the Roman Empire, profiteering, and stood up for the rights of prostitutes…just like your favorite punk bands.

48. Sly & the Family Stone
"Everyday People"  2:22
San Francisco, CA

Because women have inconsistent fantasies, and many of them date what most consider douchy obnoxious assholes, The Real Deal Sex Doll corporation utilized this element and targeted that very demographic. They manufactured all sorts of Real Deal Sex Dolls for women and many of them were not attractive at all. No surprises, every one of them sold, even the fat white one with the hairy ass. The ones that looked the absolutely best were purchased by other guys.

47. Bob Dylan
"Lay Lady Lay"  3:21
Nashville Skyline
Duluth, MN

Admittedly, the male sex dolls were spooky and their eyes looked a bit too realistic. The average looking ugly ones seemed the most real, and they too were the scariest. Somehow, they had hair on their chests and farmer tans. Elaine was in love with hers and kissed the real looking life-sized 248 pound inanimate object goodbye. It was lying on its side, seemingly staring at her, smiling, with a beard. She had once contemplated meeting Mr. Right, but the man she loved was lying right there on that bed.

46. The Kinks
"Victoria"  3:40
Arthur or the Decline and Fall of the British Empire
London, England

The Real Deal Pulsating Pussy Company modeled their first pussy after a woman named Victoria Anderson. She had become famous as a result, and this was an aspect of her life in which she was most proud. Tell us something interesting about yourself. “My name is Victoria, and The Real Deal Company totally modeled their first ever sex toy after my pussy. Yea, so like, if you’ve ever used one, then you have some idea what it would be like to have sex with me. Like 25,000 replicas of my pussy have sold worldwide.”

45. Townes Van Zandt
"(Quicksilver Daydreams Of) Maria"  4:43
Townes Van Zandt
Fort Worth, TX (1944)-Smyrna, TN (1997)

When serious shit goes down, such as a break-up, a divorce, an eviction notice, you favorite contestant getting her ass handed to her on Wheel of Fortune, or that harsh realization when you discover most of the world is unable to determine whether or not you are a man or a woman, too many people turn to the bottle to cope. Either they stay on the bottle and succumb to depression their entire lives, or they become something unnatural. They turn to the church or self-help manuals to become that ideal figment of perfection. Or, they turn to us. We help people cope with the struggles properly, and get them back on track to the life they love best. It’s a means to alter the perception of ideal corporate perfection.

44. Burt Bacharach
"South American Getaway"  5:18
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Kansas City, MO/Pacific Palisades, CA

Something about comedic cartoon images is always funnier viewed with the appropriate altered mind state. Animals are the best and singing fish is always amusing. One wall appeared to actually have a real-life aquarium that was perfectly lit with tranquil settings. But, it was but an illusion and the fish were animated. They peered back at the spectators with cute smiles and sang along to the music while swimming gracefully to the music. Periodically, random other figures were added to enhance the amusement—people dressed in mascot fish costumes or other unexpected images swimming underwater not normally affiliated with aquarium life, such as golfers, cats dressed as business tycoons, Aquaman smiling with hands adjoined with Santa Claus dancing in a circle, or elephants flying airplanes. Something new was added hourly, and sometimes because of other affiliations, hot porn stars could be seen in the aquarium.

43. Gal Costa
"Saudosismo"  3:02
Gal Costa
Salvador, Brazil

Intentionally campy surrealism was a hot commodity. Plus, since we had the resources available, random images from the porn videos that did not sell were recycled and always provided amusement. The art films frequently contained content randomly selected in appropriate places to create surrealistic pornography intertwined with the most ridiculous aspects we could conjure. Every weekend, there were at least 100 people who could not stop laughing the entire evening just from eating a perfectly blended desert treat, listening to the music, and seeing an image of Norman Bates carrying that knife, opening the shower curtain, just to find the worst pornographic shower scene we could find on the discount racks, and this was followed with cartoon fish springing up out of the drain singing the song…it was non-stop.

(The next following passages are first person narratives each spoken by different individuals)…

42. Toots Thielemans & Elis Regina
"Honeysuckle Rose"  2:51
Aquarela do Brasil
TT: Bruxelles, Belgium (1922-Present)/ER: São Paulo, Brazil (1945-1982)

Today I woke up, and I decided that I was going to walk from this miserable life forever. That today, no matter what, was going to be the greatest day in the history of the universe. It occurred to me that I was the one who had been wrong this entire time. The realization of this required a total revelation in spirit and chemistry. With just one visit to The Hash Lounge, I was suddenly able to face my problems and laugh at them. I laughed all night, making fun of myself, making fun of the judge, and laughed about all my past mistakes. It was exactly what I needed. Tomorrow is going to be even better.

41. James Gang
"Take a Look Around"  5:54
Yer' Album
Cleveland, OH

And so I day I walked. I too wished to walk from this miserable life forever. But somehow kept wandering around aimlessly in the miserable life I saw unfit. Until that day came, I finally walked alone. Yes, I had found myself all alone in the world. I had deserted everybody. I came to realize a famous quote by Bob Dylan and it occurred to me that I had nothing to lose. I had nobody to impress and no reason to feel ashamed. I could do what I wanted. So, I took a look around, wandered into The Hash Bar, and wandered freely by myself and allowed my mind to do the same. There was something there, possibly a disorder, possibly a past that I should have forgotten. This was going to take some time to resolved, but I was slowly finding my place in this world again.

40. Cream
"Badge"  2:45
London, England

Once upon a time, I fucked up; pretty fucking badly to be perfectly honest with you. Once upon a time, I didn’t give a fuck that shit went down and a lot of people suffered as a result. Fuck ‘em! And fuck her! And suddenly, it dawned on…you know, fuck me! It is I who owes restitution to society and society doesn’t owe me shit. But, I beat myself up over shit that fucked up, the problems that I created—it was difficult to confess that I was the biggest piece of shit in town. I came down on myself severely hard and removed myself from society. Then one day, I found a new society. I was embraced, welcomed, and realized that if the world was ever going to forgive me, that I needed to forgive myself. I’m having fun again, and working to make amends.

39. Fairport Convention
"Matty Groves"  8:10
Liege & Lief
London, England

I caught my woman in bed with another lover—the RX-89 Rotating Vibrator. When I witnessed the debacle, I was enraged and challenged the vibrator to a duel. My wife lubed up the vibrator and crammed it up my ass. In turn, I yanked the vibrator out of my ass and crashed it against the wall. It busted that piece of shit all over the place. She jumped on my back and began beating me in the face because I broke her vibrator. We wrestled down to the floor and somehow mysteriously ended up having raging hate sex…taking turns sexually abusing one another. We haven’t had an argument since. The very next week, I bought her an engagement ring.

38. The Impressions
"The Girl I Find"  2:38
The Young Mods' Forgotten Story
Chicago, IL

I have this problem where I have chronic dizzy spells. I never knew what caused it and had visited the doctor a few times. Everything checked out OK, proper blood sugar, diet, rest—all that shit was fine. Then, it dawned on me that I most frequently developed these dizzy spells after going down on my wife. Could I be allergic to my own wife’s pussy? I had a buddy come over and go down on my wife and strangely, he felt the same way. He muff tested out OK, but we also noticed that gynecologist was fucking baked off his mind after the examination and needed to sit down; she had gone down on my wife too and was feeling euphoric. So, we ran a series of experiments, had several other people go down on her to see the effect, and made a fascinating discovery. She now works for Henry & Howard 3 M’s Enterprises. High pay, full benefits, free sex, all just to work for a few hours, go in and masturbate, and shoot her potent cum all over the brownies.

37. Arzachel
"Clean Innocent Fun"  10:23
London, England

My husband thought he knew everything. He thought he knew how to work my pussy, thought he was totally fucking punk and crazy, and a self-proclaimed music snob. Ah, he wasn’t there yet, but give a nigger some credit, at least he was trying. It’s not that he wasn’t cool, he just had limited exposure to what he really enjoyed. We had planned a lengthy vacation and along the way stopped at The 3 M’s to check out the scene. He wasn’t interested in anything in The Adult Superstore, but did not get angry with my purchases. Then, we stopped at The Hash Lounge just to try it—it was a reasonably good experience. At The Concert Venue though, the music was loud, oh good Lord. But, Charles now claims to be a rock and roll guru (even though beforehand he was unfamiliar with the band and never been in that type of environment). He brags about how he saw this band and was an official punk. I will give him credit, he is a bit cooler after that. Now, all we have to do is get him to focus his attention of moving like this pulsating vibrator and all will be well.

36. Group 1850
"?!"  7:06
Paradise Now
The Hague, Netherlands

One of life’s greatest mysteries: people actually enjoy getting scared. Horror movies always do well and people pay good hard earned money to walk through haunted houses just to have mother fuckers dressed in freaky costumes jump around the corner and scare the living shit out of them. Needless to say, the horror room was a huge hit. No plot, just slow hypnotic music and creepy disturbing images.

Sometimes the room would become pitch black, just a periodic flash or strobe light. Everybody would be wondering around in the dark, trying to feel their way around the room. But, a door opened and somebody else was in there—a masked killer. Each flash of the light, the killer emerged and there was a race to find the exit. Soon though, the room was full of scary looking masked murderers. Once the first door was opened, a freaky looking clown covered in blood waited behind the door. After the screams and slamming the door shut, the clown entered the room and the dim light remained on; the crowd was more afraid of the clown than the masked murderers. With the light, they finally found their way out of the room…more clowns in a line, getting in their faces, smiling, waving, grabbing, saying bizarre things, many of them covered in blood. They were led to another room. This room was seemingly empty, dark, but a black and white movie playing on the wall but with one color subject. The film showed a black and white doctor drill a hole in the color subjects head. Blood spattered everywhere, into the room, onto the people walking through the haunted house. He fell off the wall, he wasn’t a TV image, he was real. He crept up to them, and they were horrified. Worse yet, he was blocking a door, and the door opened letting in more murderous clowns.

35. Jefferson Airplane
"Wooden Ships"  6:26
San Francisco, CA

Last time I tried weed, I didn’t like it. It made me all paranoid and nervous; I was more fucked up than I wanted to be. It was way different when it was permissible and other was doing it too. Before, it was like, oh my God, they can tell that I’m stoned, oh fuck, what do I do? Here, they better know I’m stoned or else I won’t be admitted to the back. Also, it was better with the music being loud and not having to worry about the neighbors hearing it. The music drowned out all of life’s bullshit and the drinks they served calmed the jitters sometimes associated with smoking marijuana. And at last, the mind becomes totally free; you are here, just enjoy yourself. Just sit back, and let it all be; let your mind free and allow it to explore places outside the realms of reality. The world you envisioned much more resembles paradise than the world of stress in which you work. Realize your perfect world, and stay there. Dream vividly while you are awake, and enjoy them.

34. Alice Cooper
"Sing Low, Sweet Cheerio"  5:43
Pretties for You
Detroit, MI

They were all laughing at the joke, but I didn’t get it. After they explained it to me, I still didn’t find it funny. Now, they all hate me. And they call me names, like disgusting, poopface, ass muncher, farthead, numb nuts, sorry ass sack of shit, stupid dum dum head…and not of that shit’s funny either. They laugh like it is, laugh loudly; they laugh at me. Alas, I was exiled from their social community. So I left, to start a new chapter…a film in which I was the star. I can still hear their laughing in my head…it keeps me strong.

33. Grand Funk Railroad
"Inside Looking Out"  9:33
Grand Funk
Flint, MI

I was never the same after she left. Maybe I took it for granted, who knows, I never thought she’d really leave. But, she did…and left for good. I ain’t no prize myself these days, a bit past my prime…I don’t turn heads the way I used to. One day, I just found myself all alone, and somewhat hopeless. I blamed myself, questioned my abilities, and finally declared that I was unsuitable for a relationship. She was a good woman. She wasn’t perfect, but shit, like I am? I had no way of showing it, and spent too damn much time focusing on her imperfections rather than her beauty. It would be like somebody throwing away a winning lottery ticket just cuz they don’t want to pay no taxes. Hell, I had to do something—I can’t go on living like this. I ain’t the type just gonna go out and hit on whoever comes by. Shit, ain’t nobody wants to be depressed. They say jacking off is only for people who can’t get none nowhere else. Well, I confess—my ass can’t get none nowhere else. But, if I want to look at some naked ass in the comforts of my own home, I don’t think anybody should tell I can’t, that I’m not allowed. It don’t define me—a few minutes here and there a couple days a week. It keeps me happy and on my way. (Enters The Adult Superstore).

32. Crosby, Stills & Nash
"Suite: Judy Blue Eyes"  7:29
Crosby, Stills & Nash
Los Angeles, CA

At last, it has come down to this. There was no other alternative. I had lived my entire life outside my natural element. I grew up in a small town, bounced around a few times, just never found the place where I belonged. Eventually it led to all sorts of troubles. I had debts for things I never bought, kept getting harassed by the police everywhere I went. And for no reason at all, I seemed completely normal and ordinary. It was the only answer…to fly away and walk from this miserable life forever. I had nothing to lose. Shit, I had been an outcast everywhere I went, what the fuck did it matter where I relocated, it can’t be any worse than this. And I was social too—imagine that; I was hated by the people I wanted to fit in with. I boarded that plane, and I finally left. I found my place in that world, I really did, an entire community who embraced me and accepted me for who I am. For once, I felt like I truly belonged. (Enters The Hash Lounge)

31. Morgen
"Love"  10:55
New York, NY

Music has and always will be my primary interest. It was a special case; I could work the record player at age 2; I first got hardcore into music at age 2. Not that it’s anything special, we’re all different; it’s just how I was born. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with this either. But, for some strange reason, those closest to me had a major problem with the fact that I enjoyed music. Rather than embrace a special passion or develop what may have been an enormous talent, they constantly tried to take it away from me.

Obviously, this made me more rebellious—if they had issues with my passions, then I was going to counteract with obvious issues with their TV set and all the garbage they wanted to waste money on rather than records or musical equipment. As a result, I developed a fondness for music that had a rebellious nature. And not just the lyrics either; the tones, the arrangements, and the overall structure that defied conventional standards. It wasn’t the lifestyle they desired, but, it wasn’t their life either—it was mine.

Soon, I rebelled even more and grew to despise the aspects that defined their standard of living—those who sought to damage mine—places such as the church, the government, the TV, and any ignorant piece of shit who claimed music was evil. Finally, I based my career choices on music. I would rather work in a place that played great music than one with high pay. Money? What the fuck do I need with a new toaster anyway? There’s no better place in the world than the front row of a small venue rock concert. (Enters The Concert Venue, stands in front of the stage) This is what I do for a living; this defines me.

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