The Top 30 Songs of 1969

The Best of 1969 + The 3 M's of Happiness
Chapter 1: An Adult Superstore
Chapter 2: Free Cock Rings With a $12 Purchase
Chapter 3: Our Place in the World
Chapter 4: Fast and Bulbous

Chapter IV: Fast and Bulbous

Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.

30. Ten Years After
"Good Morning Little Schoolgirl"  7:01
London, England

The moment I laid eyes upon her, I knew she was the one. It was love at first sight and I knew that once we were together, my life would be complete. In order to win the love of my life, I needed to make immense personal sacrifices. I picked up extra hours at work, cut out some needless expenses, ate cheap meals (even going so far as to loading the freezer with nothing but the Banquet frozen dinners), and took numerous personal belongings to the pawn shop (what the fuck did I need with a toaster anyway; I no longer needed a car, furniture—the dining room table Aunt Henrietta left me in her will was useless; I even sold the family drapes). Once I had the cash, I went to The Adult Superstore to purchase “Abigail”, the brand new innovative life-like schoolgirl doll from The Real Deal Pulsating Pussy Agency.

29. Amon Düül II
"Dem Guten, Schönen, Wahren"  6:12
Phallus Dei
München, Germany

I’m like really super hardcore religious; I’m one of those people who stand out in front of the grocery store handing out pamphlets encouraging people to find Jesus. At major events, I can be seen speaking about the Lord through a mega-phone to mass groups of people entering the festival who all ignore me; they glance at my hand-made signs maybe hear a Bible passage or two, then usually resort to making fun of me. I went inside The Adult Superstore and was absolutely appalled. It was shocking, sickening, disturbing, and I felt like I was in a horror movie. I was downright petrified in there and felt like I was surrounded by Socialists. But, you know me, I think that because people refer to me as “that Jesus Freak” that I have the right to dictate ethics and deem the entire operation morally wrong. I took action and went to those brilliant minded politicians in the government and demanded changes be made. This entire store should be illegal—because I said so—because it offends ME. Now, I stand around protesting, passing out pamphlets in their parking lot, and take personal shots at anyone who enters that sinful Communist establishment.

28. Thunderclap Newman
"Something in the Air"  3:57
Hollywood Dream
London, England

Sadly, I live in a community where people state that I have “my own way of thinking.” What is that supposed to mean anyway? That they do not? They have somebody else’s way of thinking? These people have a cloned way of thinking that simply parrots popular opinion as seen on TV. Just because I never had any interest in TV does not mean that I should be judged differently. Simply put, I cannot imagine seeing a politician and thinking that person is so brilliant that he should be President or dictating my own life. Furthermore, I am sick of receiving bills from the IRS for a government that I do not support—these people need someone to make bad decisions for them and expect me to help pay for it…they’re all (people who support any form of government) welfare recipients in my book. I encourage people to shut off the TV and think for themselves. The revolution is near. I am smart enough to govern myself…Are you?

27. Led Zeppelin
"Thank You"  4:50
London, England

At what point did I stop liking everybody? It had come to this. I have rejected all the policies of humankind; no longer do I wish to be a part of this charade. I hate my job, despise my peers, and I loathe the world and all things living in it. It had been years since anything positive happened and no good will ever come out of this. I quit my job, abandoned all personal belongings, and I shall leave here with no intentions on ever returning.

26. Can
"Mary, Mary So Contrary"  6:16
Monster Movie
Köln, Germany

We must now take a moment and review all the valuable achievements the government has accomplished. None! And the candidates currently running for office: what do they bring to the table? These people have assumed power and convinced the population that we “need” them. Those who do not possess their own way of thinking believe this. This device that we supposedly “need” them is a ploy intended to keep money flowing in the bank accounts to a select few individuals who only aspire to have massive amounts of money and are too stupid and too lazy to earn it any other way—working is not an option (their kids will not have to work, and therefore, even dumber and more powerful than they are). They rob civilian paychecks, they lie, they steal, they swindle, they cheat, and they create rules based on fabricated myths (opinionated doctrines that define the stupidity of the regime on a whole). If we choose to disagree and claim their objectionable services are no longer needed, the imbeciles fine us even more of our earnings, punish us, imprison us, enslave us, and belittle our ways of thinking. We fund their wars so that they will never be stopped—ever.

25. White Noise
"Your Hidden Dreams"  5:00
An Electric Storm
London, England

I don’t care if I ever see any of these assholes ever again. The mere sight of them sickens me. All the guys around here are douches. They can’t even think for themselves. These girls are even dumber; some of them ask instructions how to even cross the street, overly articulated with that squeaky bimbo white girl voice. And the guys are so stupid that they devote all of their time and money in order to try and impress one of them—as if that’s even mildly difficult—as if anybody would be impressed with any of these losers. Look at that group. They’re so fucking gross that I can’t even stand catching a glimpse of them. Her shirt is pulled halfway up one side of her torso—I wonder if she thinks she’s sexy? I would like to see her use something else besides here saggy ass tits to try and accomplish something. None of the guys she’s with have their shirts raised up to expose any part of them, and they are all guys, road construction workers, with that one bimbo with her shirt pulled halfway up—talk about desperate for attention. Talking shit about the way she looks, “oh, I’m ugly.” Then, one approached me: “tell her she looks nice.” This ruined my day and I refused. Fuck that, no, she does not look nice; she looks like everybody else. I can no longer stand to be surrounded by these annoyances. Today, I walk from this miserable life forever. Where will I go? Possibly nowhere. I may just disappear into a void never to be seen again…it’s better than here.

24. The Who
"We're Not Gonna Take It"  7:06
London, England

These mother fuckers think they have the right to shut me down? Fuck these pricks! Yes, like, OMG, like, I’m like a Senator. Like, this guy, like, wrote me like a letter or something. He complained about, like, this place that is doing something that church doesn’t like. Cuz, like, church helps everybody out and stuff. He complained about this place saying, like, it’s evil ya know. They said on TV that people are against this. Like, it’s bad for our children. Like, the TV should be raising kids ya know.

The TV is commonly referred to as “The Idiot Box.” Children raised on TV, even the “educational” programs are also idiots who do not think for themselves. Their own personal creativity and imagination will be replaced with instilled means of advertising and corporate sponsorship, including the news and educational programs, who will spin the stories in a means that make their products sell.

So, like, I took some action. Like, I’m a Senator, that’s like my job. Cuz, you know, like these corporations like pay our taxes. This is a country, you know, our forefathers who stood for freedom and stuff never did any of this.

Fuck these miserable pricks! This is not what our forefathers fought for. I’d like to see them try and close us down.

My name is Mandi and I’m like starved for attention. They said I could get attention if I pranced around in skimpy clothes. But, they said it was wrong too. Like, Jesus wouldn’t like me or something. I don’t know what else to think. In fact, I don’t think.

(Jesus saved the life of a prostitute.)

A bunch of religious nuts stood behind the Jesus Freak and his pamphlets. He led them to salvation.

A bunch of people stood behind the politicians; they told them exactly how they should think in these types of situations.

A bunch of people stood behind The 3 M’s of Happiness. It was their right and these people did not appear intelligent enough to dictate standards.

Most sat behind Mandi, watching the battle unfold on television with a blank stare. And one person walked alone, away from this miserable life forever. Nobody stood behind him at all, he had his own way of thinking.

23. Fleetwood Mac
"Albatross"  3:09
English Rose
London, England

I had no affiliation with the human race. There was not one political party that I held any dedication and no sector or religion represented any values whatsoever. To me, they were both the enemy. I wasn’t committed to anybody or anything—maybe this was how I developed my own way of thinking. Nor did I except anybody to commit to my own way of thinking—people should think how they wish to think—unabridged and uninfluenced by the opinions of others. The journey to the forever escape of this miserable life was spawned more so by the government, the religion, and the clones who supported them. Mysteriously, I was also to make a decision for these people.

22. Donovan
"Atlantis"  5:06
Glasgow, Scotland

A barricade was created to block the entrance. Despite the fact that none of the patrons had committed any violations, they were treated as criminals; despite the fact there were actual crimes taking place elsewhere, the police were assigned to prevent the people from entering. That Senator had supported missiles killing civilians; that Jesus Freak stole from the congregation. Neither could back up their claims with any validity. It was just wrong and people who frequented these places were sinners. They were right and anybody who thought otherwise had morality issues—possibly sadists. Knowing her fate, The 3 M’s sent the revolt to all corridors of the township. (“Hail Atlantis”…drum roll) The barricades were torn down and people stormed through the blockade anyway.

21. Blood, Sweat & Tears
"And When I Die"  4:06
Blood, Sweat & Tears
New York, NY

You shall have no chains on me, and I am not afraid to die. And, I shall fight for freedom forever. I am the true innovator—I am the sales representative for The Real Deal Pulsating Pussy Agency. And, I don’t take shit from politicians or pigs. Yes, you’ve seen my business card, you’ve viewed my catalogue, and you’ve fucked the imitation pussies my company has created for your pleasure. And now, you will feel the wrath of my heavy artillery machine gun! (The Real Deal sales rep, dressed in a suit and tie, gunned down the police, The Jesus Freak, and The Senator…heat from the government and church temporarily subsided.)

20. Blue Cheer
"Peace Of Mind"  7:04
New! Improved!
San Francisco, CA

I fell in love with one of those dirty sluts. They had taught me the values of morals. If I love you, you must do exactly what I say. She said she loved me back, every time I told her first. She responded that it was mutual. But, it wasn’t. The dirty whore flaunted around construction workers with her shirt pulled up over her waist. She embraced the opportunity to expose herself to anybody who would give her attention. Rather than dump that greasy ho, I felt as if I had to love her and stay with her FOREVER. Then, I caught her in bed with this—a VX-742 double-sided dildo. That whore! And I stormed into The Adult Superstore and opened fire.

19. Booker T. & The M.G.'s
"Time Is Tight"  4:56
Up Tight
Memphis, TN

The band played on: something with a keyboard player, a guitarist—like one non-stop rhythm. We played the game and exercised their rights. More barricades were created—we closed off the church, closed off the government facility, the police station, and even The Senator’s driveway. These places were hereby condemned. Unlike how our barricades were stormed down by the citizens of the community, no civilian defended this committee. Fuck it, they did not feel like going to church anyway—it was but a hassle and they had no real faith. Only the TV crew, they showed up, reported a major travesty taking place, referred to us as “terrorists”, and displayed the phone number to a hotline to report any information. That’s when shit began spinning wildly out of control.

18. Captain Beefheart
"Ella Guru"  2:27
Trout Mask Replica
Glendale, CA (1941)-Arcata, CA (2010)

I am a representative for Janie’s Dildos. Our products were designed specifically for women, by women, and we only employ women (aside from a few slaves who clean our bathrooms). Why the fuck would a man want to interfere with our enjoyment anyway? We don’t preach that golf degrades men. This stupid prick Senator approached me in the store while I was creating the display and started giving me shit as if I gave a flying fuck what he was talking about. First, started talking some bullshit about how these products degrade women—then started talking some shit about his Lord. I told him that his small cock degrades women and that his God obviously had a small cock too. He started to say something back, but I swung the rubber dildo and slapped him upside the face with it. Then, I backhanded it across the other side. He kept trying to talk, and I kept slapping upside the face with a dildo. I was doing the talking! He was backing away and I kept smacking him across the face with the dildo. Finally, I backed the little prick right the fuck up out of there and he ran away.

17. Yes
"Yesterday and Today"  2:52
London, England

Then one day it occurred to me that Uncle Charlie liked me, and he really did. And so did Fred. And just before leaving, I realized that I liked them—I liked them all! It was really weird—the strangest thing. And Ernie liked me; so did Joyce, and Francine, Courtney, and Elroy. They were all sitting on the porch, smiling, waving—they were all there; Michael, Carl, Doris. The grass was the greenest I had ever seen it, and the birds were singing. Then I occurred to me: I would like to fuck old Joyce. And so I did…I fucked Joyce. And I fucked Francine, and Henrietta, and Fred, Rico, Doris, Uncle Charlie…I fucked all of them. It was a great day!

16. Moby Grape
"I Am Not Willing"  3:01
San Francisco, CA

The escalation of violence led to nothing. As it stood, the best compromise featured a religious ceremony in The Hash Lounge. Many of us made amends—we found peace somewhere. But, an uncertainty remained. The pastor may have found God from smoking the Hash Flight (a sampling of 4 different types of marijuana). Or, he may have discovered that there had never been any sort of spiritual realization that had been permanent. It was a onetime thing. That day he found God, there was something that made HIM believe. He forgave those who may have done him wrong. However, rather than draw his own personal conclusions from the experience, he turned to the books to study what his own personal awakening meant according to the once source that was most conveniently available.

15. Leonard Cohen
"Bird on the Wire"  3:27
Songs From a Room
Montréal, QC, Canada

But, then came yet another spiritual revelation right there in The Hash Lounge. All of these slogans that I have read in the scripture had been written by other people—a long time ago. I know exactly what I felt and I know what I am feeling now. It is nothing at all like what is written in that book. Nobody is going to transform anybody into a pillar of salt anytime soon. It is obvious that these people construed their revelations for the sake of appealing to the masses; and to extreme measures. These mass descriptions altered the original perception over time and dramatized the whole event in order to convince others to conform to their exact revelation. It became more important for others to believe rather than follow those personal guidelines; which, in turn, lost the premise of the original revelation. I suppose I did the same when I became a pastor.

14. Pink Floyd
"Careful With That Axe, Eugene"  8:51
London, England

Amidst the turmoil, the day finally arrived when we encountered our first visitors. An advanced race of species arrived to Earth from a sector of The Universe the human race never even knew existed. The technology in which they travelled the universe was beyond human comprehension. Perhaps it was these entities of the unknown that frightened people the most. Or, it was those horrific low budget science fiction movies with Martians blasting the Earth; or, it was having to admit that certain people had been wrong this entire time when people claimed there was no other life in The Universe. And now, human beings were no longer the most advanced species anyone had known about.

The ships hovered across the sky—an entire fleet of them. Ridiculously, orders were given to fire bullets at them if necessary. When the ships landed and the vessels opened, panic ensued. People screamed and many ran away in fear. On the other hand, special orders were given how to respond (on television), as if any of these bastards knew (they spoke as if they had experience). There was also a contest as to who should be the ones to greet the aliens—politicians, military, “leaders” of which nation.

13. Tim Buckley
"Buzzin' Fly"  6:04
Happy Sad
Washington, DC (1947)-Santa Monica, CA (1975)

The aliens established they were peaceful immediately. They wanted to everything about the human race and they were going to select a few citizens to travel with them. They were interesting looking beings and had with them a talking dog named Sparky. Somewhere in another galaxy was some sort of Paradise where diversity had been embraced. They wanted representations from all sectors of The Universe. Puzzling how this place called Earth ended up in such a remote area far removed from life in other galaxies (it was also peculiar how none of the neighboring planets had any life-forms residing on them). Unfortunately, they could not take everybody. So, the politician, smiling, agreed to go. However, he was disqualified; the aliens did not want him—he was not brilliant enough to intermingle with an advanced race. For one, he seemed insincere. Furthermore, Paradise had no government and he could not comprehend this concept and even tried to argue with an advanced race. If anything, the Senator’s only value would be to be used for medical experimentation in pre-historic times—but those days were long gone. In fact, the entire group of politicians and military personnel was disqualified.

12. David Bowie
"Cygnet Committee"  9:34
Space Oddity
London, England

In another region of The Earth, they were once again approached. “Our people are the chosen people for God has chosen us. Us, you see, we are the chosen ones.” The advanced beings looked over those claiming to be “The Chosen Ones” and could not keep a straight face. “You fuckers?” one of them asked, and all the aliens laughed out loud, uncontrollably, rolling around on the ground of the so-called Holy Land for several moments gasping for breath with tears in their eyes from laughing so hard.

“So, what exactly were you chosen to do? Behave as white supremacists?”

“We’re not white, we’re a different race altogether.” More laughter ensued.

The “chosen” people were immediately disqualified. Anytime any group of people refer to themselves as “chosen”, people will automatically dislike them—especially when the documentation citing evidence of this is the most ludicrous sermons ever written in the entire universe. There were no chosen people in Paradise. Furthermore, their nation had nuclear weapons yet still sought donations from tax payers in other regions claiming they had immense struggles…not exactly providing any validity to the proclamation of being “chosen.” Furthermore, if they were “chosen”, then why would anybody else even want to donate? The so-called chosen people couldn’t even govern themselves. They were not only dismissed, but ridiculed in the process.

11. King Crimson
"The Court of the Crimson King"  9:25
In the Court of the Crimson King
London, England

The next sector of “The Chosen People”, The Popular People, also claimed to have substantial knowledge of God. In principle, the teachings were a more liberal version of the chosen testament. But, in practice, the followers were even more jaded. Many of them were borderline stupid and sought to be as asinine as possible thinking this lack of intellect would allow them to inherit the Earth. Upon studying The Popular People, the readout indicated over 3 trillion reasons why they were disqualified (the 2nd most of any classification (government officials ranking #1).

For one, there was way too many of them. Not only had free thinking been evaporated, but the means in which their beliefs were spread generated serious questions about cruelty and the sincerity of their beliefs. They were even more controlling than the government and even attempted to control the government (who attempted to control the church). Like both the government and The Chosen People, they were unable to govern themselves and required donations in order to survive (also noteworthy: all three parties had generated propaganda in order to receive donations; this falsification in order to receive monetary assets served as proof for immediate disqualification).

Worst of all, they were too meek to even create their own belief system. They basically utilized the same pamphlets as The Chosen People but added a couple extra sections at the end.

Despite plagiarizing their documents, The Popular People grew to despise The Chosen People. For, The Popular People claimed that only one member of The Chosen People was actually chosen—and he was brutally persecuted by The Empire People (government).

But, they blamed The Chosen People and acquitted The Empire People of any wrong doing whatsoever. The Popular People, even though their “savior” was a member of The Chosen People (who now claim this one particular individual was the only member who was never chosen even though he was an integral part of The Chosen People) all follow the same ridiculous shit written by a bunch of fucking Neanderthals.

Sparky the talking dog approached the priest, the pastor, the Rabbi, Father Griffith, and all the others: “You mother fuckers need to sort this shit out, otherwise it will eventually lead to extinction. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you are killing one another over bullshit that has no possibility of being truthful whatsoever. All of you will remain on Earth until you can figure something out and learn to live in peace. Unless you can enjoy yourselves, Paradise does not welcome any of you. We’ll be back later to check on your progress.”

10. Silver Apples
"Gypsy Love"  5:36
New York, NY

Talk about a real genuine bitch, look no further than the extremist Muslim lady. She struggled so mightily to think for herself that she opted to join an organized religion that took away her own rights. Furthermore, the aliens found her butt ugly and could not keep a straight face looking at her garments, dots on her head, and other assorted religious rituals that defined her image.

“Take us, we know the passage to heaven.”

“Really,” they asked snickering, “you mothers fuckers ain’t going anywhere dressed like that.”

And all of the Muslims were disqualified. We have your manual, and in theory, it might be the best written guidebook of all of these religions. (Sparky the talking dog congratulated all of them for not granting man domain of the Earth—this alone gave them serious consideration.) But, you mother fuckers are too controlling. You are too tense, have too strict of codes, and the women do not seem to be enjoying themselves. If this is Heaven, then heaven is mother fucking B-O-R-I-N-G! Why would anybody even want to go? Streets of gold? There is more to life than material wealth and items way more rewarding. All of the Muslim women received a complimentary vibrator from the other galaxy.

9. The Rolling Stones
"Gimme Shelter"  4:34
Let It Bleed
London, England

The travels across the globe led to disqualification of all followers of all sects of organized religion. They were respected, greeted with a smile, but deemed controlling and a means to constrain natural thinking. Rather than be individuals, they simply followed the creed that an elder had laid out for them. While they weren’t butchered like the crusading Popular People did before them, they were kindly dismissed for not following their own guidelines…evidence that they simply could not govern themselves.

8. The Doors
"The Soft Parade"  8:34
The Soft Parade
Los Angeles, CA

After spending their entire lives clinging to beliefs they assumed were proper, the controlled population was forced to re-consider everything upon realizing they had been disqualified. Many of the people assumed the advanced beings were incorrect and continued following the path that some other asshole had laid out for them. They questioned the advanced race with great passion, refused to concur with any assessment, and even went so far as to attack their personal integrity. They asked: “what gives these invaders any right to say that the elder authors are wrong about anything?” That was yet another major contradiction for these exact same people never bothered to question the authenticity of the creators of the beliefs they stubbornly followed. In fact, most of them never questioned the advanced race personally—they simply heard that somebody else did and assumed that’s what you were supposed to do. The television commentators attacked the aliens because it jeopardized the words from their sponsors. However, when officially asked: Who the fuck was Moses? Who the fuck is Jesus? Who the fuck is Allah? God? Why do love Jesus? Why do you hate Jesus? Who is King James? What did people think before all of this crusading? Discuss the settings in which these aspects unraveled. Vividly picture it in your mind, all aspects, and ask yourself: “is this legitimate? Why do people believe it? There were no answers.

7. The Beatles
"I Want You (She's So Heavy)"  7:47
Abbey Road
Liverpool, England

The list of potential candidates was dwindling rapidly. However, they needed to take somebody; most had been disqualified. Upon hearing the list of reasons for disqualification, some people no longer wished to go. Eventually, the first group dismissed turned hostile. The government ordered the aliens to leave and even declared it to be illegal to leave with the advanced race—as if they were going to expedite a “fugitive” from another galaxy (mother fuckers had only been as far as the moon). They even attempted to spread propaganda declaring the aliens as evil and unpatriotic terrorists who hated the Earth because they hated their freedom. This actually pleased the aliens because it made it easier to find suitable candidates—those caught up in the televised hysteria were disqualified. But, they saw the good in people. It was they who drew their weapons and destroyed all government facilities, all religious doctrines, all the churches, all the banks, all the television and radio channels, and all things with the capability of controlling freewill.

6. Ennio Morricone
"Matto, Caldo, Soldi, Morto & Girotondo"  3:23 (Track 1)
Vergogna Schifosi
Rome, Italy

There he was at last, all alone, walking from this miserable life forever. Conformed civilization was far behind him and he never looked back. He had his own way of thinking and had become the poster child for other. Upon a long walk down a desert road in a place called Destination, Nowhere, he was armed with a backpack consisting of food, clothing, a toothbrush, and a few brownies and herbal teas to carry him to the other side of Destination, Nowhere. He was far removed from it all now and it had finally come down to this: the surreal settings of a tranquil incarnation called Sanctuary, Nowhere. Suddenly, a talking dog named Sparky appeared with a few bizarre looking beings at his side. “Hey,” said the dog, “you need a lift?”

5. MC5
"Kick Out the Jams"  2:52
Kick Out the Jams
Detroit, MI

The 3 M’s weren’t necessarily disqualified. It was requested that they remain on Earth. “The human race needs you.” They were summoned the duty to simply be. A revolt was underway. I joined that revolt. It would be a long ride, but it was my official calling. I wiped the shit off my forehead—some bullshit logo (a red dot) that informed people that I was a follower too stupid to govern myself. As a means to encourage change, I boycotted myself, and refused to participate in anything that previously defined me as a person, the follower that I was. Nobody was left to think for me, so I broke that chains that constrained my individuality, and I kicked out the jams. I plunged off the top of that stage and into a vast void; my friends caught me, new friends who embraced the fact that I no longer belonged to anything.

4. The Stooges
"I Wanna Be Your Dog"  3:10
The Stooges
Ann Arbor, MI

Upon leaving, the advanced race of beings entered The Concert Venue and took the stage. These mother fuckers were relentless. It was as if they did not give a flying fuck whatsoever about any sort of convention; or what brash sounds were too abrasive for the conformed community. And Sparky, that talking dog form the other side of the universe- damn, he could sing too—a vicious little punk this God damn dog was.

3. John Barry
"Midnight Cowboy"  2:49
Midnight Cowboy Soundtrack
York, England (1933)-Glen Cove, NY (2011)

A lift? In this contraption? With you mother fuckers? These sons of bitches had their own way of thinking. I wondered where I would be going—this could be a suicide mission. But, no, that’s the sort of bullshit they warn you about on TV, and somehow a television crew was present here. Even if I did die, I did not wish to die on Earth in this community. The police were ordering me not to go, to step back, and if I entered the ship I would be under arrest. Man, these fucking pigs keep getting stupider.

It had been a long journey, one in which I didn’t look back. At that last moment, I did look back. It was Fred, Scott from Pick ‘N’ Save, some random mother fucker named Andy, and a few other crackers who I had never seen before. It had come down to this, and suddenly I had an audience again. I was tired of being expected and then criticized for my performance; I was tired of living outside my natural element; and sick of being harassed by the police. And, I was weary with their lack of understanding. They were exactly like me, only they followed the guidelines and it somehow altered them. Only this time, they were smiling, and not making fun of me. Besides the police and TV crew, they were happy, and they smiled, and they waved, as if saying goodbye. They knew, all of them, Harvey, Aunt Lois, the girl from City Market, all of them…as if they were saying “it’s home.” Home. I have never known what home is. And so I turned back around, studied the vessel, and I walked from this miserable life forever.

2. Tommy James & The Shondells
"Crimson & Clover"  5:28
Crimson & Clover
Niles, MI

Day 1 of my new life. Fuck! I didn’t know what to do. The mother fucking church burnt down, so I guess I can do whatever the fuck I want. Once upon a time, I thought about boycotting this place—this Adult Superstore. All that ever goes in there is bunch of damn freaks; but those aliens took away one of them freaks. Fuck! Am I supposed to become a freak now? I don’t know. No. I’m not supposed to become anything. I have to become me—whoever the fuck that is.

Fuck it, I went in there anyway. I noticed her right away; she seemed to notice me too. She was shopping for dildos and held one in her hand. There was something about the way she was holding it that aroused my senses. She put it back though, and was rummaging through the rest of the display. I came walking over to her, awkwardly, but I didn’t know what to say.

“What are these?” was I could think of to say to start the conversation.

“They’re dildos you fucking douche!”

Keep focused. Things aren’t always perfect—ever—especially from the beginning. Perhaps I just asked a stupid question, but I was new to this environment. So, I better follow that up with an intelligent question or else I am doomed.

“What do you do with them?”

She instantly hit me on top of the head with one. “I use to them to chop spinach. What the fuck do you think I do with them?”

Luckily, I caught a glimpse of Rachael’s demonstration video out the corner of my eye and realized what they must be for. We talked, shared a few laughs, and I went over to her house—she said she wanted to demonstrate the use of it for me. I must say, although it hurt going in, that thing felt perfect fine while it was in there. I’ve since upgraded to one that vibrates. Hell, who needs that bitch? And screw that fucking faggot from The Real Deal Pulsating Pussy Agency; a nice firm vibrating cock up my ass is all I ever need. (Chalk up another victory for women’s sex toys.)

#1. The Velvet Underground
"The Murder Mystery"  9:00
The Velvet Underground
New York, NY

Gladys shoved Agnes down the stairs; the bitch was dead before she was even halfway down. She had flipped her fucking lid officially. I heard her approaching; she was carrying that knife I bought her form Mother’s Day several years back. It had been a waste of money, but this Thanksgiving, she finally decided to use it.

“It’s only appropriate that you have to die Hector!”

Who the fuck was Hector? I heard him screech in pain then drop to the floor with blood gurgling from his mouth. Fuck him, it was nobody I knew. I didn’t even know how the son of a bitch even got here. But there he was, even more dead than Agnes. From where I was hiding, Hector was all I could see. When she dragged him away, she looked over and spotted me. Shit! I had been caught.

Gladys dropped the dead Hector and yanked me out from the hiding place then shoved me into the living room. They were all there: Hilda, Pete, Freddie, Uncle Marty, Gertrude, Pedro, Cousin Mary, Alex, Juan, Ludwig, Bill from the sherbet company, the ghost of Grover Cleveland, and that one fucker who shows up everywhere. They all stared at me, puzzled, confused, and obviously annoyed with my presence; each of them shook their heads in disgust.

Was I not invited to Thanksgiving this year? It seemed like I came here every year; one year I even brought a side dish. At once, they all questioned me, shouting, it was inaudible buzzing with all of them frantically bombarding me with absurd questions at the same time. Aunt Loretta entered the living room with a sledge hammer. I think she was preparing to bash me over the head with it. But, she was old, old as fuck. Geez, this bitch had to be at least 85 by now; and those old lady glasses not only made her look older, but they made her look ridiculous.

As they stared at me coldly, I was slowly backing away hoping to escape. But, I accidentally backed right into Connie who was blocking the hallway. Backing into her fat ass was startling enough, but she even yelled at me the moment I made contact with her: “Where do you think you’re going!?”

“Yea,” they all questioned at once, “where are you going?” Once again, it was chaos with all of them talking at once.

Connie drew a knife and they all grew quiet. She held the knife up to me and asked, “what, exactly, do you plan to do?”

Plans? I had no plans. It seemed like I once had a plan. Victor, he had a plan back in 1936. So did Freddie. I had to quickly decide which one was better and relate it to them as my plan.

END CREDITS: Velvet Underground
"Ocean"  5:12
New York, NY

Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal

None of the original songs were ever intended to be used in this type of format.
Descriptions in no way shape or form intended to be a truthful reflection or interpretation of the song or the artist in reference.
All characters and themes completely fictitious and any similarities to actual people living or deceased are coincidental. Based on factual events.

Band info and images provided by rateyourmusic
Playlists created on 8tracks
Special thanks to Stonehenge Records in Muncie, IN
High On the Hill in Cincinnati, OH
The city of Asheville, NC
The movie Midnight Cowboy. The theme song (#3 for the year) was already written for the greatest scene in film history- mine comes nowhere near. The song should always be associated with that scene (I had to write something there- right?)
All individual who think for themselves
Last section influenced by the movie Easy Rider, particularly Jack Nicholson's monologue about UFO's
And tourists from out of town who have entered The Cheese Bar and asked stupid questions.


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