Chapter 1: An Adult Superstore
Chapter 2: Free Cock Rings With a $12 Purchase
Chapter 3: Our Place in the World
Chapter 4: Fast and Bulbous
Chapter I: An Adult Superstore
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
100. Shocking Blue
Den Haag, Netherlands
It doesn’t appear to me that girls want to wear much of anything these days. Everywhere you look, girls are walking around with the asses showing, titties hanging out, short skirts—their feet even look sexy. Most of these chicks would even look good walking through a pile of dog shit in the yard. I don’t think most of them are aware of the effects they have on the average man—they have an idea, but in actuality, they don’t know shit. Some of them do it for money. Me too. I saw this, and I saw dollar signs. That’s when I decided to go into the adult entertainment business.
99. Amen Corner
"(If Paradise Is) Half as Nice" 2:49
Farewell to the Real Magnificent Seven
Porno videos come equipped with a mute button and magazines can be easily stashed underneath the bed. On that note, these days, most guys would rather jerk off than be with a real woman. All the chicks in pornos always look good and are always willing at all times. And us working at The Adult Superstore, we are surrounded all day with beautiful women—a box of videos arrived, magazines, posters, it’s everywhere. It sort of makes reality pointless.
98. Gershon Kingsley
"Pop Corn" 2:24
Music to Moog By
We diagramed the floor plan, did some sketches, scripted the layout of the store, blueprints, and devised our targeted audience. Everything was laid out with careful articulation; the dildos go here, crotch-less panties over on that wall, this side for the magazine rack, and put cock rings in a bucket next to the checkout line. We had to group all of the sex toys accordingly and some of them, such as the swing, required a large elegant display. The movies needed grouped by category and then alphabetized by title. Howard donated a television set and we were able to show feature films of the latest best selling videos for our customers to sample.
97. The Moody Blues
"Eyes of a Child I" 3:24
To Our Children's Children's Children
After we opened the store, we realized the numerous hardships; things never go as expected. Unlike Walgreen’s and Jo-Ann Fabrics, our customers do not enter the establishment every single day and know exactly what they wish to purchase. A young man by the name of Kevin Sanderson was our first “regular” and he entered the store every single day for about a week. But, he got paid, purchased one of them inflatable love dolls over there in aisle 4, and we never saw Kevin again. Saw him one day over at the auto parts store though buying a new tire gauge, claiming he needed to keep his wheels properly inflated at all times. He was walking though, didn’t have a car or a bicycle, and seemed nervous about something.
96. The Flying Burrito Bros
The Gilded Palace of Sin
Los Angeles, CA
The first couple of weeks, truck drivers were 95% of our clientele. These were the good ol’ days because truckers knew exactly what they wanted and did not need to talk about it. “Those fucking White Sox,” he complained while setting three various issues of Black and Voluptuous, a Sultry Pussy Deluxe, and a set of anal beads on the counter, “them bastards couldn’t pitch to bunch of fucking little leaguers. I’m through with them…oh, and could you put the anal beads in a separate bag. The hitting sucks this year too.”
95. Harry Nilsson
"Wasting My Time" 3:33
New York, NY(1941)-Agoura Hills, CA (1994)
Tourists are the worst. For some reason, they always have to announce that this is their first time entering the establishment. “We’re from out of town. How does this work? What do you recommend?” They can’t simply read the back of the box and figure it out for themselves. A lot of them come in and want free samples of everything. Half of these bastards you don’t even want in the store, let alone sampling the new V-6 Real Deal Pocket Pussies.
94. Elvis Presley
"In The Ghetto" 2:48
From Elvis in Memphis
Tupelo, MS (1935)- Memphis, TN (1977)
Tragically, we ended up having a shoplifting problem, and there was a shooting in front of the store. We refer to this travesty as The Mother’s Day Massacre. A young man who had been poor his entire life wanted to buy his mom something nice for Mother’s Day. We had just received a shipment of the K-13 rotating vibrators. Apparently, his mother had always dreamed of someday owning a nice elegant vibrator. He came in, snatched it under his coat, and tried running out the door with it. When we attempted to stop him, he drew a gun and fired a bullet that ricocheted into the strap-ons (damaging one of them while the rest were dangling on the display rack while the ruckus was happening). Some random guy in the parking lot had himself a rifle, shot one time, and it was ruled self-defense.
93. The Guess Who
Winnipeg, MB, Canada
Too many people do not take this seriously—it’s a big fucking joke to them. They come in here and giggle and act fucking stupid and shit. The shit they buy are intended to be “gag gifts.” These miserable fucks fail to see all the hard work and dedication that goes into making these priceless products. Fucking assholes came in one night and bought a penis enlarger for someone just as a fucking joke—the pricks came back two weeks later buying more of them when they found out that it really worked.
92. Andwella's Dream
Love & Poetry
Our service is primarily for people who just had their hearts handed to them, but opted to remain strong. Rather than jump right into another relationship and start banging whoever the fuck else happened to come around, they come to us. It helps alleviate the bitterness and keeps mother fuckers from hating each other. Ever since The Adult Superstore opened for business, the amount of restraining orders issued in the community dropped by 38%. The drugs helped too.
"Tragedy in F Minor" 4:58
Knowing the drugs worked almost as well as the pornography selection, we decided to open up a smoke shop too. Yea, we were a little more realistic with our setting. People could come in and refer to our products as bowls or water bongs…hell, we ain’t stupid. We know no mother fucker in their right mind is going to smoke tobacco through a four foot water pipe. Plus, once we developed a bond with the customer, we began selling some weed as well—and we had all the connection for the best weed in the history of the universe. With our cool lighting and cool tunes, we were rated the #1 coolest place to chill and smoke by everyone who wasn’t a Republican… and quite a few Republicans too.
90. Jane Birkin et Serge Gainsbourg
"Jane B." 3:09
Jane Birkin et Serge Gainsbourg
SG: Paris, France (1928-1991)/JB: London (1946)- Paris, France
The best part of The Smoke Shop was that we did not have to play shitty pop hits like what you hear at the grocery store. We were allowed to play anything we wanted and most of clientele hung around and smoked just because of the music. None of us ever understood why other places were committed to playing dog shit; crap they assumed was the most harmless and least offensive. That music was such crap that it alienated our group. Then we decided to open a concert venue in the basement of the smoke shop featuring badass live bands—rock music—shitty pop and elevator music was not welcome. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll…we had all three facets covered.
89. Tyrannosaurus Rex
"The Throat Of Winter" 1:57
We might not have had every day customers like Piggly Wiggly, but people would travel a great distance to visit our stores. People would plan vacations and take days off specifically to come get stoned at The Hash Lounge, purchase some new pipes at The Smoke Shop, and buy some new gadgets for the home at The Adult Superstore. When people are willing to travel 45 minutes just to pick up a porno mag and a water bong, you have to think if there was more of us that we’d be accepted; our sales would surpass even the great Jo-Ann Fabrics. It was always our policy to make all people feel welcomed and respect anything they wished to purchase without ever questioning their intentions for use.
88. Doris Duke
"Ghost Of Myself" 3:08
I'm a Loser
Somewhere along the lines, women became more frequent customers than men. Maybe it was because sex toys favored women 1353 to 1. Sometimes, we would go weeks without seeing a single man in The Adult Superstore and the place would constantly be packed. Women were, in general, more open with their purchases and showed no shame. They would frequently discuss products freely with other customers without ever onetime bringing up baseball. “Yea, I had this vibrator here, it was OK, but the batteries seemed to die after like four hours.” “Four hours? Fuck that, that’s when I’m just getting warmed up.” It appeared that men and their non-sense belligerence were gradually being phased out.
87. Steve Miller Band
"Space Cowboy" 4:57
Brave New World
San Francisco, CA
No matter how long you’ve been working here, no matter how mature you are or how well you’ve been trained to be a professional, whenever a woman purchases a vibrator, you can’t help but picture her using it. More often than not, it’s an arousing image and some of these babes are downright gorgeous. That may be the single most difficult part of the job—to not fluster one bit when a hot babe makes a most erotic purchase; even when her farewell consists of, “Thanks. Well, I’m going to go home and vibe my pussy for a few hours.”
86. The End
"Introspection (Part One)" 4:05
For reasons I’ll never know, people wanted to shut us down. Some of the would stoop so low as to protest our establishments out in the parking lot—as if we were doing anything wrong. These same people never protested Jo-Ann Fabrics or Pier 1 Imports. No, they were regular customers at those places. Despite the fact that based on The Bill of Rights and separation of church and state, the government had no right to declare anything we did illegal (including the weed usage), police frequently raided our shops. One guy was trying to return a water bong with resin in the pipe and the fucking pigs showed up. They threatened to shut us down without due cause, claiming the weed resin was due cause.
85. Scott Walker
"It's Raining Today" 3:04
Hamilton, OH/London, England
None of the protestors ever offered anything intelligent to society—they were obviously idiots. They never realized it was because of them regular open minded people needed an outlet. These assholes were gullible and believed anything. So, we convinced Father Murphy to come in and at least try it. He took a few hits from the peace pipe believed to enhance spirituality and sat in the plush sofa in the red lights listening to mind expanding music he assumed was from the devil. The music was soft and soothing with just enough sound effects to provoke images of the lord in his mind. Father Murphy, dressed as a priest, soon became a frequent customer at The Hash Lounge.
84. Rod Stewart
"Cindy's Lament" 4:26
An Old Raincoat Won't Ever Let You Down
These girls with their long legs and boots come in asking what would make them look sexy. In my head, I wanted to fuck her exactly as she looked right then. She entered wearing skimpy denim shorts, boots, and a low cut shirt that revealed her perfect midriff and enhanced what appeared to be the perfect set of tits. If she were on the cover of magazine on the rack, I’d have purchased that one first and been set for a lifetime of enjoyment (and, let’s face it, some of these issues provide that. Some people still jack off to back issues they bought 15 years ago). I couldn’t answer these questions without sounding like a creep, so we hired an entire crew of females to serve as consultants. It was our means of expanding and keeping up with the times. Rachael Desmond became the store’s manager and spokesperson, she was wonderful and claimed in her interview that customer service and sex toys were her greatest passions.
83. Blind Faith
"Can't Find My Way Home" 3:16
A majority of customers at both The Hash Lounge and The Adult Superstore do not even with to go home. There are issues on the home front and going home depletes the ability to be natural. Here, people could be themselves without judgment or repercussions. Unfortunately, these couples rarely enter the store together; they feel somebody in the relationship must change. But, people are often unaware we run all the establishments. He’s getting high at The Hash Lounge while she’s buying sex toys at The Adult Superstore. I think too many times that if these troubled couples would arrive together, shop together and share the experience; it would eliminate many of their problems. It has proven to work several times in the past.
"Give A Life, Take A Life" 3:25
Los Angeles, CA
Statistics have proven that our organization has relieved more depression and prevented more suicides than the church, rehabilitation treatment programs, and the suicide hotline. We have witnessed firsthand customers arriving miserable on the verge of taking adverse actions, and then leave The Hash Lounge perfectly content with themselves. Unfortunately, the real world once again takes its’ toll, with government, religion, finances, and relationship turmoil, and the happiness that we provide is temporarily offset. If only the real world more resembled our world, like would be grand. But, the real world hates us…and we hate them.
81. The Temptations
"Love Is a Hurtin' Thing" 2:31
Admittedly, with relationship issues, we are about a tie. While people do produce products that provide happiness and spice things up in the bedroom, there is also some rift. For whatever reason, some people in a relationship think that their spouse should only masturbate to him/her. In turn, women have started dressing more like porn starts they caught their boyfriends whacking it to. However, men have not done the same. However, women are inconsistent with who they most frequently jerk it to—the only consistency is that they most frequently masturbate to people who in no way shape or form resemble their partners (often their exes). Also, women frequently masturbate to topics they forbid their husbands from engaging in: “You can’t fuck me in the ass—that’s gross”/busted having anal sex with a vibrator while thinking about spouse’s brother/catching her spouse masturbating to photos of her sister is immediate grounds for death penalty.
80. John Stewart
"Mother Country" 4:55
San Diego, CA (1939-2008)
History typically cites Penelope Penetration and Morgan Moutainhead as the first two porn stars ever. They were getting old, but in many circles, the two were cult legends. Morgan Mountainhead was on the verge of death, but wanted to go out doing what he really loved. Somehow, they decided that they wished to do it here (fuck it, they paid good money and brought more customers). The crowd of people was older people, like 70-85 years old. These were the pioneers, the original rock stars, and they gathered around to watch that one final scene. And Mountainhead’s shaft was 11” long, and it never looked better; Penelope Penetration still looked smoking hot in flapper attire even though she was old as fuck. And he rode her, that one last time…the crowd of pioneering porn stars cheered, applauded, and one of them clutched her handkerchief and cried.
"Did You Get the Letter" 5:35
A Gift From Euphoria
Kaitlin was in town for a business conference and stopped in The Adult Superstore to find something exciting to stimulate her in the hotel. She was one of the hot ones most guys would forfeit a month’s pay to catch even a five minute glimpse of her and her vibrator. Officer Lawson came in for his weekly raid and to start shit, but saw Kaitlin shopping for sex toys. Suddenly, he had no desire to harass the store. He was also assigned to raid The Smoke Shop too, but suddenly lost desire to do that as well. In fact, he lost all desire to be a cop entirely; he radioed the station stating that he was suddenly feeling ill and needed to take leave for the rest of the day. He went to The Smoke Shop with Kaitlin; Kaitlin told Rachael about her strap-on fetish and how she enjoyed treating grown men like pathetic little bitches. Our deal with the police—we couldn’t tell anybody about this.
78. Third Ear Band
"Ghetto Raga" 10:31
The next investment was film equipment. We wanted to make videos and sell them—homemade videos. The shit sold at The Adult Superstore should be obvious. But, we wanted to sell films at The Smoke Shop too. Aspiring art students and film makers could use our equipment to create trippy fucked up videos to be used at pot parties…since we were the official party headquarters. They made the films with our equipment and we would sell them…profits split 50/50. Because our targeted demographic was culinary arts scholars who made delicious brownies with only the finest ingredients we had, the films had the liberty to be as fucked up as possible without any censorship whatsoever. They were mainly backdrops for scenes in which all members of the party were completely bombed. Shit with a plot and solid storyline did not sell well at The Smoke Shop. Films with bizarre images, fascinating surrealism, and tripped out music not only sold well, but were also played frequently in The Hash Lounge. These films featured flashing colors, weird music, and all sorts of transcending mind trips to enhance the effects of the water bongs we sold.
77. High Tide
"Missing Out" 9:41
Operating The Hash Lounge required serious skill and our crew was the best. You have to completely disregard all aspects of what other establishments do for success—we are nothing like other establishments. The lighting has to be perfect at all times—bright white lights and well-lit rooms are a distraction. The music is extremely important—dance pop hits are out of the question. All seating and chairs must represent comfort. Images should be of the art films—sports and news are horrible for this setting. All employees have to be cool with this and security kept to a minimum. We checked ID’s out front and that was it. Drinks such as straight hard liquor not allowed—drunks are obnoxious to smokers. Sex permitted in designated areas. Non-smokers (designated drivers) had their own place too; sober people could be a distraction too. People were only annoying when they first arrived—tourists who asked silly questions. Music, however, makes people less douchy and our DJ’s played only the most suitable songs… they were tested extensively before hiring.
76. Miles Davis
"In a Silent Way / It's About That Time" 19:57
In a Silent Way
Alton, IL (1926)-Santa Monica, CA (1991)
We could proudly state that we were making the world a better place, as we were de-douching the world one individual at a time. After 20 minutes in The Hash Lounge, people’s minds were suddenly overtaken with brilliance. There was no longer anybody present telling people how or what to think, say, or do. They could now think for themselves and draw their own conclusions. They were significantly more interesting as a result.
People often stated they went to work in a better mood after just one purchase from The Adult Superstore. They were free to explore all the pleasures on their own body for the most exhilarating effects. In turn, they were significantly more interesting. And one day, the videos collided. Rachael Desmond made a demonstration video featuring herself and several other lovely people demonstrating various uses and how all the products worked, such as informing customers the proper way to insert the 51-44 6-speed vibrator. The video was show at The Adult Superstore and sales naturally increased.
But, the video leaked into the hands of an art film producer. Her voice was muted and Miles Davis was dubbed over her demonstrating how to use the vibrator, along with an array of psychedelic images. The result was a psychedelic masturbation enhancement guide. It became so popular at The Hash Lounge that we had to charge admission and have special screenings. Most felt that Rachael Desmond should have won an Academy Award—nobody in the world masturbates with the passion and vibrancy as Rachael Desmond.
Top Image by: https://foursquare.com/v/galaxy-adult-superstore/4e4aada914951b66ae918b43
Bottom Image by: http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=137881893&page=1
Bonus 101. Darrell Banks
"I Could Never Hate Her" 2:16
Here to Stay
Mansfield, OH (1937)-Detroit, MI (1970)
Bonus 102. Roy Harper
"One for All" 8:14
Bonus 103. Warne Marsh
Ne Plus Ultra
Los Angeles, CA (1927-1987)
Bonus 104. Fairport Convention
"Who Knows Where the Time Goes?" 5:16
Bonus 105. The Box Tops
"Soul Deep" 2:29
Bonus 106. Frank Zappa
"Project X" 4:49
Baltimore, MD (1940)-Los Angeles, CA (1993)
Bonus 107. MIJ
"Grok (Martian Love Call)" 7:03
New York, NY
Bonus 108. Pink Floyd
Bonus 109. The Velvet Underground
"What Goes On" 4:38
New York, NY
Bonus 110. The Stooges
"We Will Fall" 10:18
Ann Arbor, MI