Section 1: Teenage Pregnancy
Section 2: Proud Parents Of The New Generation
Section 3: Love Affair #13
Section 4: Sex Partner #3
Section 5: From the Cradle Til Death Do You Part
Section II: Proud Parents Of The New Generation
NC-17 SOUNDTRAXXX is being edited, revised, and published. The literature content is gradually being removed for publication or being transferred to the upcoming site: MHQ HEADQUARTERS. The music countdowns, however, shall remain here.
In the meantime... our first actual book publication, a dystopian epic: The Mansion
According to the plant and animal life on Earth, which eventually unfriends the human race amidst bold accusations coming from an oddly-shaped row of trees: the concepts of government, religion, and economics were fabricated by the same sources that devised such absurdity as Black Friday sales, fashionable bowling attire, expiration dates for vaginal lube, and marketing strategies to entice specifically targeted mayonnaise consumers … and these sources obviously did not originate on the Planet Earth. From Prohibition to the dystopian future plagued with revolution, animosity towards society, and farming hippos with growth hormones, characters such as Squirrel Abraham and Jimmers Waffles (raccoon) not only challenge the status quo, but also question the entire history that created it.
Compiling 30 Sections and 68 different themes and storylines, which explore topics ranging from concepts of customer service to victimless crimes to a town in West Virginia that repeatedly becomes a ghost town; and featuring guest appearances from the likes of seahorses, dragonflies, praying mantis, chickens, and raccoon, The Mansion chronicles the plight of the human race, where Primitive Man evolved into the species known as Homo Bowler, and set out to destroy the world in a quest for decorative plates, generic shoes, and non-dairy powdered creamer.
"Ponzi's Theme" 2:40
The Ponzi Scheme
New York, NY
Fuck yea—and then I totally got a promotion at the marshmallow packaging plant! All of my hard work paid off. Being as I had been working here for nearly ten years, I was the person who you called if shit got fucked up in the marshmallow industry. I worked in miniature marshmallows, was promoted to jumbo marshmallows, and even a few stints in those stale little mother fuckers that go in hot chocolate. Seriously, dude, I know my fucking marshmallows. I can package marshmallows like a mother fucker—fuck yea I can! If you ever want to call me, and just talk about marshmallows—seriously, just call me on my cell phone (800) 829-0922… we can talk about packaging marshmallows all night!
The Black Light
I had to remain at the marshmallow packaging plant because I had kids to feed. In that regard, some people think that I did ruin my life by having children so young. However, I enjoy my job at the marshmallow packaging plant and consider packaging marshmallows to be my primary passion. When Wilma had show and tell, and I had to speak at her class relating tales about my job, I gladly went into the class and spoke about packaging marshmallows—and even brought in free samples for the rest of the students. It was a hell of a lot more honorable and entertaining than Ken Stephenson’s father who worked at the bank and discussed how he charged fees; or Lisa DeChow’s father—that piece of shit insurance salesman who gave everybody ink pens with a logo on it. These mother fuckers allegedly had children when they were supposed to, and everybody hated them. Tom Morgan’s father was bald already, and the fucker was probably going to be dead by the time the little prick graduated. I was the best dad in the world.
"Cat Wants to Be Dog" 5:19
There was always a part of me that wished that I had a boy. In fact, I even tried to raise Wilma and Elizabeth to have some manly features. I tried to teach them how to play basketball, throw a football, and to repair the refrigerator. However, I sucked at all that shit also (I mainly was hoping Elizabeth or Wilma would be able to figure out to fix the fridge so that I wouldn’t have to call a repairman), and it was a complete failure. Instead, I found myself participating in dance recitals, shopping for cosmetics, and conversing with co-workers about which boys working in maintenance I thought were cute.
"Nothing From Nothing" 2:44
After Elizabeth started third grade (and Wilma was in 5th), Tess finally got up off her lazy ass and got herself a fucking job. It was great because she was basically turning into a fat useless cunt from sitting around the house all God damn day while I was developing allergic reactions to the generic Clear Value brand toilet paper. Ironically, she ended up getting a job at the refrigerator repair place.
96. Lucinda Williams
"Lake Charles" 5:29
Car Wheels on a Gravel Road
Lake Charles, LA/Los Angeles, CA
Like all families, we enjoyed some nice vacations together—took family pictures and made videos and all that shit. We all enjoyed going camping out by the lake. Guess what we did when we went camping? Nope, not fur trapping—that’s for slutty whore Hardware Store employees who conceive brats that get burnt up on fur trapping expenditures. Us, you guessed it, we roasted marshmallows. It was even better after Tess took the position at the refrigerator repair place because we no longer had to wipe our asses with leaves (which was a bit softer than that Clear Value brand toilet paper).
95. Saint Etienne
"Been So Long" 3:33
The best thing a parent could ever hope for is sibling rivalry. Parents who experience this with their children have no idea how fortunate they are. Ideally, the two siblings will compete against one another for attention or whatever reward awaits them. Unfortunately, I never experienced any such thing in my family. Rather than compete against each other, Wilma and Elizabeth joined forces and ganged up on me—the only man in the house. As a result, I have totally forgotten what it is like to watch basketball, action films, or have one single decoration/material possession in the house. I did purchase a nice laptop computer—thinking the kids could use the desktop. Instead, one got the desktop and the other took the laptop…it seemed like I had a cell phone at one time too.
94. Mouse on Mars
"Heizchase Nailway" 5:22
Tess was the disciplinarian of the family and I was often scolded for allowing the children to get away with too much. She claimed that she once overheard the kids say, “Let’s just ask dad, he’s a pussy.” It was supposed to be Tess’s job to yell at the kids whenever they were bad and keep them inline. Unfortunately, this never happened either. Instead, Tess joined forces with Elizabeth and Wilma and the three of them would yell at me for the most miniscule of things. I went out for one drink with some co-workers and came home at 6:29 PM (instead of the usual 5:57 PM). The three of them sat me down, said I should have at least called, and explained to me the dangers of drinking and driving.
93. Current 93
Soft Black Stars
It’s appalling when tragedy strikes; and often stunning what children might find catastrophic. One night, Elizabeth came home from the skating rink, took off her skates before entering the house, and left them on the porch. In a most unfortunate turn of events, it stormed that night, and the city was hit with a record amount of rain. The poor roller skates were left on the porch during the entirety of the downpour. Sadly, Elizabeth’s favorite pair of roller skates got soaking wet and seemed to take forever to dry…the poor child could not wear them roller skating the next weekend. Things only got worse. Due to the fact they took so long to dry, they developed a musty stench that would never go away. Finally, the beloved roller skates succumbed to rust and were no longer usable. If this wasn’t devastating enough, it happened at the exact same time we saw an increase in property taxes, were in a budget crunch, and the downtrodden Elizabeth could not go roller skating for three whole weeks…she swore her life was “a complete wreck” at the time and struggled to get through these unmanageable times.
92. The Black Heart Procession
"Stitched to My Heart" 5:29
San Diego, CA
The worst tragedy the family endured was in the summer a few years back. Aunt Gladys had agreed to watch the family dog, Aardbark, for a few days while we went camping. Upon returning, Aunt Gladys was on her way over to the house to return Aardbark and was, sadly, struck by a semi that had spun out of control. Her car spun out on the highway, overturned several times, and exploded—killing both her and the dog. Wilma and Elizabeth were absolutely devastated about what had happened to Aardbark, and we had to explain them about how animals die and Aardbark went to heaven. The kids cried for several weeks and we even had a service for Aardbark. They never even asked about Aunt Gladys.
For the most part, the kids were well-behaved and performed admirably in school. However, when Elizabeth turned 14, she started smoking. Aside from Uncle Harry and the guys from the refrigerator repair place in which Tess was employed, nobody else in the family smoked. She would come home reeking of cigarette smoke and even had a few burn holes in some of her clothes. We declared that Elizabeth wasn’t permitted to smoke in the house and she had to sit out on the porch. The girl was often seen chit-chatting with the neighbors, smoking cigarettes, and talking about various adult oriented topics. Kids grow up so fast these days.
90. PJ Harvey
"The Wind" 4:01
Is This Desire?
I don’t know if it was because of the smoking, but it seemed Elizabeth was slightly more popular than Wilma. She had more friends and even had a few boyfriends here and there. Wilma, on the other hand, had a select few core of friends and never any boyfriends. Some of us actually assumed that she might be a lesbian because she evidently lost interest in boys once she got to high school. Her prom date was reportedly a “genuine loser” and she left him stranded at a restaurant. She had a different way of thinking than the other kids her age and seemed to dislike some of the “normal” students. The group of friends that she hung out with, although cute and apparently normal in appearance, pretty much only associated amongst themselves and seemed more interested in artistic things such as creating pamphlets, photographs, music, and films.
89. The Soundtrack of Our Lives
"Impact & Egos" 5:36
As I grew older, I found that my approval rating as a father blossomed. There was no longer any controversy surrounding us giving birth at such a young age and nobody deemed that we had totally fucked up our lives anymore. Tess’s father no longer threatened me as he and I became good friends; one year he even splurged lavishly at Christmas time and bought us something special—a washer and dryer. We also had a dishwasher. Because the children had turned out perfectly fine, and because we were able to stay afloat on our own providing for our children, we were respected in the community and now regarded as model citizens.
Once the kids became teenagers, Tess and I took the opportunity to relive our youths as well. We took great pleasure in taking the kids to concerts and other young adult events that required parental supervision. Due to the two-year age gap though, Wilma and Elizabeth had slightly different tastes in music. On that note, I once attended a punk concert and Top 40 girly pop concert back-to-back. I do love my children equally, and I do love Elizabeth, but I could not wait for her to outgrow the girly pop (huge reason I was not overly concerned with her smoking). Wilma and I had similar tastes in music it turned out, and she enjoyed making me mix CD’s and playing music in the car. My knowledge improved substantially just from my daughter. I was suddenly hip again.
"Pure Morning" 4:15
Without You I'm Nothing
Have to say, I thoroughly enjoyed Tess reliving her wasted youth as well. She enjoyed taking the kids shopping for clothes and would sometimes splurge on herself, coming home wearing the latest risqué styles that the other kids were wearing. As styles changed, Tess wore skimpier shorts and more revealing clothing just like our teenage daughters did. Furthermore, she was in her sexual prime in her 30’s, and still possessed dynamite cleavage. Pedicure day was always my favorite.
86. The Appleseed Cast
The End of the Ring Wars
Los Angeles, CA/Lawrence, KS
Then one day you realize that they are becoming adults. Topics of conversation gradually become more in depth and the problems become more genuine. No longer was temporarily losing a pair of roller-skates a symbol of distress; High School kids these days are faced with serious realistic issues that some of them struggle with and develop similar concerns as grown-ups. This all dawned on me when Wilma and I discussed politics in the car (while listening to her music of course). She knew a lot about politics and constantly persuaded me to vote in favor of certain issues that pertained to her well-being (left-wing). Furthermore, she kept me up with the changing times, and because of her I viewed society much differently (Tess claimed she always had this perspective; she didn’t though).
85. Sunny Day Real Estate
"The Prophet" 5:13
How It Feels to Be Something On
In some cases, however, they do not grow up fast enough. One night while the kids were away, Tess and I got a little frisky. Unfortunately, Elizabeth came home sooner than expected and walked in on us having sex in the bathroom. To make matters worse, we were in awful position as Tess had me handcuffed to the towel rack and a rag was stuffed into my mouth. Like so many other kids do at that age, Elizabeth shouted “Oh my God,” walked out, and then proceeded to call all of her friends and tell them about it. We heard her laughing about this for several days and we were embarrassed to face our friends for the next month.
"Judge Harsh Blues" 3:32
When My Blue Moon Turns Red Again
Columbus, OH/Asheville, NC
Wilma acted peculiar when she found out about it. One, I was hoping that she would never find out (Elizabeth told her the very instant she walked into the door); and two, I figured she would be more mature about it. However, she was angry about it, and was severely cold to me for the whole next week in the car. She kept me questions as how I could do such a thing, claimed it was gross, and acted as if I had done something wrong. It was obvious which one had lost her virginity and which one was probably going to die a virgin. Then I questioned those boys Elizabeth had been running around with. No, it’s best not to think about that stuff.
"Seems So Heavy" 4:09
Halifax, NS, Canada/Toronto, ON, Canada
“Gross!” Wilma said to me sternly in the car, “I can’t believe you fucked mom!” Technically this had to have happened before or else Wilma would not even be in this world. The language was harsh; I couldn’t believe she said that. First, I blamed it all on Tess (and women in general), stating that they have certain needs (the birds and the bees) and if they are not satisfied then they become irritable and eventually resort to brute force (I simply told her the truth). She thought it was disgusting that I had sexual intercourse with, of all people, Tess (my wife/her mom). This didn’t make much sense to me why she was so bitter about this. But, I finally had to take her out shopping and buy her stuff in order for her to forgive me. She wouldn't even discuss the issue with Tess.
"Mr. Underground" 2:44
Head Trip In Every Key
In what seemed no time at all, Wilma had a job also. She took a cashier position at Arby’s. It did not seem all that long ago when I walked her to the bus for her first day Kindergarten, and now here she is a part of America’s work force. Although she did not enjoy her position after a short while, she supposedly performed her duties competently. Tess and I even stopped in to eat one day just to see her working. In fact, I frequented Arby’s every day that she worked—even though I hate Arby’s. I just wanted to be supportive and let her know how proud I was of her.
81. The Delgados
"Repeat Failure" 3:59
Just before Wilma turned 18, it dawned on me that I was her age when she was born. I recalled how everybody claimed that I had made a horrible mistake, how that made me feel, and how I had set out to prove all of the naysayers wrong. I remember thinking they had no clue what they were talking about, and how they obviously did not know shit because I was obviously responsible enough to raise a child. Now, the world has come full circle. Even after feeling that way once upon a time, I was extremely thankful that Wilma was not pregnant and unsure how I would react if she became pregnant at such an early age. I don’t even want to think about Elizabeth getting pregnant—although we are certain she will bring us grandchildren before Wilma.
"Cul de Sac" 4:44
What Makes It Go
It was equally interesting watching their friends grow up too. Many of Wilma’s friends were now over the age of 18, and some of them were preparing to move away to go to college. I remember so many of them being little girls, coming over for Halloween dressed up in Disney Princess costumes. Now they are adults, and simply dress as slutty Disney Princess’s for Halloween. Sometimes, I have to admit, it is difficult coming home to a house-full of 18-19 year old girls dressed in slutty Halloween costumes, and I do everything necessary to pretend as if I do not see a thing.
79. The Body Lovers
"Track 5" 5:01
Number One of Three
New York, NY
Then, it dawned on me that Wilma would be leaving the home soon. To be honest, this thought was terrifying. She had not discussed it, and technically was legally permitted to move out at anytime. I did not wish to discuss this situation, nor was I in any rush. She was not only my daughter, but she had also become my best friend. Since she was doing so well in school and not getting into trouble, I felt as if I was allowed to loosen the reigns…especially since she turned 18. The past 18 years of my life had been lived to make her happy, and she was obviously a major part of my existence. If she were suddenly no longer around, I’m honestly not sure what I would do. It was time for me to brace the fact that this was inevitable and probably going to happen soon.
"Little Chang, Big City" 4:54
The Pace is Glacial
Chapel Hill, NC/Chicago, IL
I allowed her to make her own decision when selecting a college, a major, and applied as little input as possible. I did not want her to leave town to go to a university that was far away; I did not wish to cripple her freedom and try to force her to stay in this city. In fact, I never expressed to her what I wanted…although I did joke once that I wanted her to follow in her father’s footsteps and be part of the marshmallow packaging industry. “That’s up for you to decide,” I told her. She selected a small local college and was not interested in living on campus; she was not interested in a major university that enrolled too many students. This made me happy.
77. Les Colocs
Montréal, QC, Canada
When she graduated High School, we were extremely happy for her. Everyone in the family showed up for a huge party as many of our family members also had graduates as did several families in the neighborhood. Even though the legal drinking age was 21, all of the parents involved allowed their kids to consume alcohol for the graduation party…applied the same cliché our parents used: “better they drink here than be out driving.” However, and I’m sure this is common; the younger siblings who did not graduate were also consuming alcohol. I was displeased when I caught Elizabeth guzzling down a 40 ouncer of beer because she was still only 16; plus the alcohol made her smoke more. But, before I could even say anything, I noticed that she was nowhere near the youngest minor drinking. Mr. Stephenson and I sat around the patio having a few beers with his son, Walter. I tell you what, Walter could sure pound ‘em down for a 9 year old.
76. 不失者 (Fushitsusha)
"The Halation Born Between You and I Who Were Doomed to Appear in Form" 11:43
Graduation is usually that time when parents catch the first glimpse of their children and their children’s friends when they are intoxicated (and not attempting to appear as if they have been doing nothing but reading Christian literature the entire evening). When people get drunk, they have a tendency to confess things they had never talked about. As it turned out, some of the boys in the neighborhood had had a crush on Tess ever since they were old enough to think about these sorts of things. Suddenly now, they were hitting on her…and she was loving it. Hmm?
I can’t complain though, because it also turned out that one of Wilma’s friends had a major crush on me. There was a difference, however. The boys were permitted to continuously flatter Tess and she was joyfully leading them on. But, Jodi was not permitted to reveal too much information about me—which seemed totally unfair. Wilma told Jodi to, “shut the fuck up,” threatened her, and then eventually threw a tirade that nearly led to a cat fight (I broke up the cat fight).
On the other hand, I have to admit my worst act that I am most ashamed of. Since Jodi was 15, I had a fondness for her. However, I never acted upon it, so do not think that I am a pedophile or anything disgusting like that. No, I would never do anything illegal like that, and I tried everything imaginable to suppress the thoughts that went into my head.
Jodi frequently spent the night at our house on the weekends. One night, when she was only 15, we were all watching a movie together. I was sitting on the couch, and for some strange reason, she sat on the floor right next to my leg. She was wearing but a skimpy tank top and I could see right down her shirt easily. For the age of 15, she had extremely developed breasts. What was I to do? I tried not to look, but they were right there. It is a person’s instinct (both men & women; both hetero and homosexual) to glance down a person’s shirt when it is right in front of his/her view. Anytime I looked anywhere else other than straight at the television set, I could see down her shirt.
Unfortunately, this would not be the only time I would see her exposed breasts. She seemed to make a habit out of wearing skimpy clothes around our house. There was nothing I could say because Tess would wear equally skimpy clothes and everybody else seemed OK with it.
Sometimes, she would fall asleep on the couch. I went to the kitchen to get a drink and she was sleeping on the couch with her shirt completely lifted over her breasts (she was at least 16 at this point). I simply walked back to the room and tried not to think about it. But, I did think about it. In fact, I was aroused by it. The whole time I was having sex with Tess, I was mostly thinking about Jodi’s breasts.
For the next couple years, about once every couple months or so, she seemed to make it a habit to expose herself to me at some point (and make it look like an accident). Admittedly, part of me wished she were not friends with my daughter as I counted down the days until she turned 18. And now she’s over the age of 18, and has drunkenly confessed to having sexual fantasies about me. Unfortunately, my daughter punched her in the face. Oh well, it’s something I should never partake in anyway. Meanwhile, I think I might go ahead and punch this little bastard 18 year old prick in the face right now, as he keeps rubbing my wife’s thighs.
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