The Top 125 Songs of 1998 + Family Affair
Section 1: Teenage Pregnancy
Section 2: Proud Parents Of The New Generation
Section 3: Love Affair #13
Section 4: Sex Partner #3
Section 5: From the Cradle Til Death Do You Part
Section I: Teenage Pregnancy
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
125. Medeski, Martin & Wood
"Sugar Craft" 3:23
New York, NY
Back when I was 17, I fucked a girl who was 18. At the time, that was considered the happiest moment of my life. It made me so happy, that I fucked her again the very next day…and the day after that. I fell in love with her and vowed to do whatever was necessary to make her my girlfriend. Perhaps I was a little naïve back then, but a lot of us are at that age.
"Free To Run" 4:32
Bring It On
Having sex with Tessica proved to be a life altering event. Not only was it the best piece of ass I ever had, a mind blowing experience that I would cherish until the day I died, but Tess also got pregnant. Some suggested that I was too young to raise a child, but others claimed abortion was a sin and even considering that notion as a possibility was grounds enough for eternal damnation in the pits of Hell. So, at age 17, I became a father—the baby was born right after I graduated High School.
123. The Coup
"Cars and Shoes" 4:39
Steal This Album
Tess was the 2nd girl I ever fucked. However, I was her 43rd sex partner. The number of 43 could possibly be slightly inaccurate because two weeks prior to us meeting she got drunk at a party and several guys ran a train on her and she wasn’t sure how many of them there actually were; or how many of them she had already had sex with previously. She was the high school slut her senior year, and after she had graduated she lived sort of the wild life. That was OK by me, because after having the child, she was my slut now…and my slut only.
122. Trembling Blue Stars
"Never Loved You More" 4:21
Lips That Taste Of Tears
Admittedly, I was afraid upon finding out that she was pregnant. She informed me about it and insisted the child was mine. Being as I was still only 17 years old, I was uncertain what to do, and attempted to run away and hide from my problems. However, those three days without Tess were miserable—after all, we had been dating for nearly two months. I returned to Tess and vowed to be a better person, a good father, and we could figure out a way to work through all of this.
Va Va Voom
She and I made a commitment to better ourselves for the sake of the baby. We agreed that there would be no more wild nights on the town, we were going to live healthy lifestyles, and I would find a good job and take responsibility…and she agreed to no more passing out at parties and allowing guys to run trains on her while she was drunk. It would prove to be a difficult task for two teenagers, but once that baby starts showing—and my beautiful bride-to-be becomes a neurotic insane psychopath abusive bitch, reality sets in and I knew that I had to be a mature responsible adult.
120. Josh Rouse
Dressed up Like Nebraska
I took a job at the packaging plant. It was a good job, decent pay, and I had benefits. Marshmallows became my life, as I woke up early in the morning, and bagged up marshmallows until it was time to leave work. That’s what I did to ensure the well-being of my child that was arriving—working long hours at the marshmallow packaging plant. It was great because as an added benefit, we also got free marshmallows. Hell, there were packages of marshmallows all over the house—the house I was able to afford by working 50+ hours a week at the marshmallow packaging plant.
119. Tori Amos
"Northern Lad" 4:19
From the Choirgirl Hotel
We even decided to get married before the baby was born. Because I had not been employed long enough at the marshmallow plant, Tess and I could not afford a proper wedding or a honeymoon. It was a small gathering, but it was nice—even though her wedding gown was a complete piece of shit. Our families were generous enough to buy gifts—shit for the baby, like a crib and that kind of shit. I am very thankful for those special gifts, because at the age of 17, I never even considered that any of that shit was essential. Our parents were supportive even if their approval level wasn’t quite 100%. But, if it weren’t for them, our child probably would have been sleeping on the floor…or in a bed of marshmallows.
118. Mojave 3
"To Whom Should I Write" 3:24
Out Of Tune
Have to say, the days leading up to the birth of our child was torture. I don’t know how regular people did it, but it was significantly rougher being underage. Many of the items required with being a decent father was difficult to achieve prior to the age of 18. At least she was over 18, which meant that our home had to be put in her name. Here I am about to become a father, and my name isn’t even permitted on the lease. Plus, the mother fucking army keeps calling wanting to know if want to join. One night I couldn’t attend the pregnancy class with Tess because my mom wouldn’t let me leave until after my homework was finished.
117. Archers Of Loaf
"Dead Red Eyes" 4:01
White Trash Heroes
Chapel Hill, NC
Equally problematic was the days leading up to graduation. The first duration of her pregnancy, I could not even be of much support because I was not able to spend quality time with her on school nights. Furthermore, I was unable to work full-time at the marshmallow packaging plant until after graduation. For the most part, I was broke, and she and I were living apart from one another; I felt as if she needed my support (her father claimed that nobody needed my useless degenerate ass and if I came over too much he was going to dismember with a chainsaw—just like he did Tess’s boyfriend in junior high). We discussed the situation with our non-murderous parents, and I even contemplated dropping out of high school. However, I persevered, and with the help of our parents, we survived.
116. Golden Smog
"I Can't Keep From Talking" 3:50
It seemed everything happened so fast. I took a part-time job at the marshmallow plant. I had a graduation ceremony. I moved to full-time at the marshmallow plant—working overtime. In the midst of working all these hours, I was miraculously married with a small ceremony. And to top it all off, I had a pregnant wife. My waning days of being considered a juvenile were as busy as possible. To make matters even more complicated, I started getting hair on my chest, and was having to shave more regularly…which took up even more time.
115. The Murder City Devils
"Cradle To The Grave" 4:16
Empty Bottles Broken Hearts
But, all I kept thinking about was my beautiful wife, and the wonderful life that Tess and I were going to have together…forever. This one summer was but a sacrifice for all the great times to come. It must have seemed strange to my older co-workers coming from a 17 year old boy, but I kept insisting: “I did it all for my family.” In the long term grand scheme of things of the universe, going out and partying with my loser friends from high school was no comparison to the joys that were forthcoming with raising a child with my beautiful wife—they were just jealous because they couldn’t fuck her anymore—and I was tearing it up about once every three weeks.
114. You Fantastic!
I had to grow up in a hurry as I found that Tess’s needs were becoming even more demanding the more pregnant she got. She was growing more frantic with each passing day, often relating uncertainties about whether or not we were doing the right thing. Tess claimed that she was plagued with nightmares about the baby being deformed, or coming out retarded, or sharing certain characteristics with members of my family—such as uncle Hank who was serving a life sentence upstate for a string of robberies he committed back in ’86. Also, she would complain about shit that wasn’t even important—and hit me for stuff that I didn’t even do.
113. Boards Of Canada
"Rue The Whirl" 6:40
Music Has The Right To Children
Fortunately for us, there is apparently a wide market for men who enjoy masturbating to pregnant women. Tess was able to sell some nude photographs of herself in order for us to collect enough money for the deposit on our new place. Because neither of us had established any credit, and I was not at the marshmallow plant that incredibly long, we were required to pay a larger deposit than normal. Our parents assisted us the best they could, but we wanted to become more independent—we can’t rely on our parents forever.
112. Richard Youngs
Despite the fact that a miracle was underway—the birth of a child being the miracle, there were still some naysayers who claimed that we had made a mistake. People would say things like: “see what happens when you don’t use condoms.” As if our child was automatically a disgrace to the universe because it was conceived while we were at a young age. Furthermore, those very naysayers were the same ones who believed that having an abortion is grounds for going to Hell. I told Aunt Peggy that she too was a result of improper birth control and that she too probably had numerous detractors who did not wish her to ever be born. She claimed that she was different. Uncle Harvey told us otherwise, and related how some people had disowned great Aunt Henrietta and great Uncle Paul because they gave birth to Aunt Peggy…great Aunt Henrietta was considered a whore.
111. Black Box Recorder
"It's Only the End of the World" 5:22
England Made Me
Some had even claimed that we had ruined our lives. The fact that Tess got pregnant at age 18, and was now only 19 meant that was the end of her world, our world, and our daughter’s world. Before ever being born, our daughter was not going to be welcomed into the world, the United States of America, just because Tess and I had committed such an awful crime of getting pregnant…the exact same crime that all other parents on Earth had been guilty of prior to us. Our lives had become meaningless to some, and others claimed they felt sorry for that child who is obviously going to have a miserable life.
110. Nashville Pussy
"All Fucked up" 1:52
Let Them Eat Pussy
“They really fucked things up,” they would converse with one another in the church pews. People would gossip about us behind our backs, or in line at the grocery store. These people really thought that life was over for us. Admittedly, this made me furious, and part of my mission was to prove all of these people wrong. Just because these imbeciles, such as Connie Howcroft from the Hardware Store, lacked the ability to overcome any sort of adversity, did not mean that we were incapable of having success.
109. Beastie Boys
"Sneakin' Out The Hospital" 2:45
New York, NY
Eventually, I ignored all of their negativity and disregarded any of their advice—I refused to follow their norms or practice any of their parenting tips. They’re nobody to me. They are correct, this is not the absolute ideal way to bring a child into the world; nor is it the ideal way to spend one’s teenage years. But, it happened, and nothing can be done to change that. Rather than cry about it, like Connie Howcroft from the Hardware Store (her child died in a forest fire)(the child was left in the forest because Connie took the little mother fucker fur trapping in the midst of a drought), I made a pact with myself that this was going to be the greatest thing that ever happened to me…after all, it did come as a result of what was now the greatest thing to have happened to me (that being wearing out Tess’s ass in the back of a station wagon).
At age 18, Tess’s mind had not yet developed as well as her perky breasts did. Therefore, she was still prone to believe all sorts of wild tales that may improve the well being of both herself and the baby. She participated in various rituals such as going to church or having some whack job named Gertrude (the one on the left) bless her baby. Every day, it seemed there was something different. One day there would be some magical stone placed on her belly button. Or, she would be in deep meditation. There were all sorts of candles and various other fragrances around the house; to go along with the creepy degenerate bastards who would bring them over.
107. Grant Lee Buffalo
Los Angeles, CA
It wasn’t all bad though. There were some aspects the pregnancy period that were enjoyable. Obviously, I took great pleasure in the lactation process and insisted that we frequently had to practice breast feeding so that she would be prepared (it suddenly dawned on me why such a high price was paid for her nude pregnant photographs). But aside from that perverted shit, we had fun shopping for items such as sheets, wallpaper, and movies. Since we were both young still, it was fun reliving our childhood buying cartoons, Scooby Doo wallpaper, and all sorts of other items. We even had fun arguing over which cartoon characters the baby would like the best.
"Dirty Hole" 5:36
Visual Audio Sensory Theater
Even though I remained positive throughout all the adversity I had been plagued with, I too had fears that I would become stricken with every now and then. All the hard work would occasionally burden me, and I was having difficulty sleeping. Sometimes I would have nightmares about complications with the pregnancy and fears of losing my beautiful wife (who I had just met 10 months ago) because we could not afford decent health care. The thought of some incompetent physician killing my wife due to malpractice made me work harder at the marshmallow packaging plant and save even more money towards the big day. Plus, I had nightmarish visuals involving a deformed baby similar to the one in Eraserhead. There were simply too many fears leading up the birth that can disturb an otherwise sound mind.
105. The Renderers
"Transparent Black" 5:03
A Dream Of The Sea
Dunedin, New Zealand
Three weeks before I turned 18, Tess went into labor. The day was a mad rush for all people involved. I was working at the marshmallow packaging plant, but rushed to the hospital immediately after my shift. It was a rough day at work, and I was nervous about the whole thing. My supervisor was nice enough to allow me to leave 10 minutes early to go to the hospital to attend the birth of my child. Everything worked out perfectly. Tess was fine, and the baby was perfectly healthy. The magic cookies worked out perfectly…it was actually Gertrude and the entire family of dirty ass hippies that drove Tess to the hospital.
"Low Of Defenses" 5:29
Asi Duele Un Verano
She was a beautiful baby, and we named her after Tess’s grandmother—Wilma. All of the people who used to hate us were suddenly proud of all of our efforts, and eagerly wished to hold baby Wilma and rock her to sleep. Wilma looked exactly like Tess, only Wilma was a baby and Tess was now 19. Our parents visited more frequently—it turned out they did not loathe being a grandparent like they had previously indicated. Before too long, our tiny little happy home was full of toys, love, joy, dirty diapers, annoying crying, potential pedophiles, and pictures of Wilma taking her first steps.
103. Elliott Smith
"Waltz #2 (XO)" 4:36
Omaha, NE (1969)-Los Angeles, CA (2003)
Fatherhood comes as a shock at first, and I doubt anybody is ever fully prepared for the stress and financial obligations that accompany it. However, people simply find a way to make it work. With Wilma now the most important thing in my life, and since I was no longer a minor, I had to quickly become a much more responsible person. I worked extra hours at the marshmallow packaging plant in order to have the essentials such as baby food, diapers, and added medical expenses. On the other hand, I did not spend any money on myself. Tess and I no longer wore fashionable clothes and had to resort to eating cheap meals and using generic Clear Value brand toilet paper.
"Journey Thru Space" 5:23
Hamilton, New Zealand
Fortunately, by the time Wilma was born, I was not old enough to buy cigarettes and not yet ready for a serious drug and alcohol addiction. Therefore, I did not have to make too many drastic changes for a healthy lifestyle. With a baby around, however, I did have to take extra precautions about what I left lying around in the household. I was no longer permitted to keep flammables in the living room—the gallon of gasoline that had been setting in the corner of the dining room needed to be kept outside. Sharp objects such as garden shears had to be stored properly after we caught baby Wilma playing around with the axe. And we had to learn the hard way to make certain to all firearms were stored away properly; this set us back $483 in medical bills (we all thank the Lord that it was me who was shot instead of baby Wilma). The only real casualty she suffered was the small bruise on her head from where attempted to climb the extension ladder that I had accidentally left out.
101. Beyond Dawn
Things somewhat returned to normal soon. It sure was nice being able to fuck Tess again, it had been awhile. In fact, it was so nice fucking Tess that she got pregnant again. This time however, we were a bit older and more prepared. Before Wilma was even two years old, she was introduced to her baby sister—Elizabeth. Two was enough for us, and we figured we wouldn’t have any more children after that. You know, we got older, wiser, and by the time I was 21 years old, I was a mature adult with two healthy children. Of course, the day before my 21st birthday party, I had a 4 year old daughter and a two year old daughter (Wilma & Elizabeth) and had been working at a marshmallow packaging plant for over four years- it’s not like I was getting carded much anyway.
As the kids got older, it became less difficult to find a babysitter. Surprisingly, I was actually able to go out and enjoy my 21st birthday in proper fashion…and we celebrated Tess’s 21st as well (even though she was now 23). We got hammered drunk and my friend Marty purchased each of us a lap dance at the local strip club—that was all the crazy living that either of us did during our youth. We still recall that lap dance though—Marty didn’t tell us until the next week that she was actually a he.
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