Part 1: Family Values in America
Part 2: The Oblivious Barnes Family
Part 3: The Lunch That Changed Everything
Part 4: Chickens are Extinct
Part 5: Masturbation is a Sin!
Part 6: Cracks in the Foundation
Part 7: Dr. Shaw's Party & The Aftermath That Ensued
Part 8: Disaster Finally Strikes
Part II: The Oblivious Barnes Family
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
"Watch It Burn" 2:44
The weekend couldn’t have come sooner. She got home earlier than usual and greeted her mother-in-law Nancy once she came in the door. “Hi Nancy,” she stated as she walked in the door. As soon as she spoke, the baby awoke and started crying.
“Now crap, you’ve woke up Melissa”, Nancy snapped.
“She’s been crying all day,” Nancy complained. “None of my kids ever cried like this. And that other one, oh I sent her to her room. I came in and caught her watching a show using foul language. That’s what the problem is. Then, she had the nerve to use that foul language in the kitchen. She thought I wasn’t around to here her, but I hear everything.”
"I Turn My Camera On" 3:32
April was a strange child. She undoubtedly had some sort of cognitive learning disorder. She was behind in all of her schoolwork and represented the bottom echelon in every subject. She had no friends. Also, she had a tendency to do things many people would consider disgusting and that went far beyond picking her nose. One day, she scooped up a dead possum out of the road with her bare hands and brought it into the house. It had been dead for a long time and was starting to rot and smelled atrocious. She put the possum in her bed and covered it up with her blanket so it appeared it was sleeping on the pillow. She lay beside it, petting it, until Tonya came in and made her throw it out. She kissed it goodbye on the mouth.
173. We Versus the Shark
"No Flint No Spark" 2:01
The store they shopped for groceries was a superstore that sold everything. These stores, often referred to as hypermarkets, sold groceries, clothes, toys, books and magazines, furniture, and even had an electronic department that sold music and movies. Melissa cried the entire time they were in the store. This was typical for Melissa cried a lot. She often woke Doug and Tonya up at night and Tonya had to get out of bed to comfort her. If Melissa woke Doug up, he then woke Tonya up to go comfort her rather than deal with her himself. April carried around her doll in which she named Becky. It was a plush doll with raggedy hair. She took that doll everywhere and even had imaginary conversations with it. Claims the doll wants to be a mailman someday. April pretended the doll was walking down the aisle, blocking the lane and preventing other shoppers from passing by. Tonya saw that she had blocked the aisle and kindly asked her to stop. She may or may not have moved depending on her mood. Dakota talked the whole time. He told fifty zillion stories which generally involved making fun of, or being overly critical of, or complaining about, or not getting along with one of his classmates. Darrin played a video basketball game against a little 4 year old kid and was beating him 58-2 until his older brother arrived. Darrin played his older brother momentarily and quit as soon as things stopped going his way and the kid’s brother rallied back and started winning. He did not speak a word to either of his video game opponents. Upon leaving the video game section, Darrin found Doug in the tool section where he found the routing tool he wished to purchase.
172. A Frames
"Evan Braun" 3:27
The Barnes family took up all four lanes of the U-scans with their 114 items. They would also require 2 more lanes for the other members. At the time, the U scan was still relatively new and aside from Tonya, none of the others knew how to use it. In fact, once Tonya finished her order, Doug, Darrin, and Dakota each had blundered something and required assistance from the one employee. In the meantime, a very long line formed with people needing to check out just one or two items. Most of them grew frustrated and contemplated murdering the Barnes family with a pick-axe. They became outraged when they saw Doug scanning, very slowly, baby food and then trying to play it off as if it were Melissa purchasing it. He would even say ridiculous comments in a poorly imitated child voice pretending Melissa was the one saying it.
171. The Oranges Band
"Open Air" 3:32
The World And Everything In It
The Barnes’ were completely oblivious to their surroundings. Doug thought he was amusing people and they all thought he was cool. He would smile and wink at the people as he, slowly, had Melissa grab hold of each can, and then help her run the item over the scanner until it scanned. He and Tonya cheered after each one scanned. “Now let’s do another one”, he’d say to her. “These kids learn fast,” he said with a jolly smile to the person impatiently waiting behind him.
170. Junior Senior
"No No No's" 3:47
Hey Hey My My Yo Yo
April had her lane so muddled the store manager almost had to contact the mayor and declare the store to be in a level 3 state of disaster. She scanned one item improperly and when asked to re-scan it, she scanned something else and eventually attempted to scan everything. She put all the stuff in one bag, with the bread on the bottom. Because they had to pay for their groceries using a credit card, each family member had to wait for the card to finish its transaction. They really had to wait a long time for April, who kept swiping the credit card through the card reader although it was still requesting a re-scan of an item she had already placed in a bag. Finally, sparks flew from the computer screen and smoke poured from the scanner. An employee had to come over, void the entire transaction, take all the stuff out of the bag, and do the whole order over again.
169. The Sun
"Must Be You" 3:16
Blame It On the Youth
The whole process took over 40 minutes. During this period, many people cursed at them and left, sometimes leaving perishable items spoiling next to the TV Guide. One person complained to the cashier at another lane when he finally got tired of waiting for them and went to another line. The store had to open a new lane. Doug and Tonya were unaware of any of this. They were happy and smiling joyfully upon leaving the store. “You just have to be smarter than the system,” Doug insisted.
Doug was enamored with truck drivers. However, he was too family oriented to ever be one. He really enjoyed it when truckers came into his shop to deliver shop necessities such as car parts, tools, or bathroom supplies. He fancied lengthy conversations that involved jokes about the old lady, discussions of life on the road in one liner filled sentences, and complications involving other jobs they had done. Doug perceived truckers as “a fun crowd”, thought they livened things up when they came in and told jokes/stories/lies about the waitress they tried to have sex with a few hours ago.
167. Venetian Snares
Rossz Csillag Alatt Született
Winnipeg, MB, Canada
As he passed the truck he gave the entire family a lesson on the elements of truck driving.“Yup, there’s more to driving a truck then you think. See, they got pins so they can adjust the weight of their load. You’re only allowed to have 35,000 pounds per each axel.” As he drove, he periodically slowed down and pointed at the truck to show the rest of the family what he was talking about. He drove side-by-side with the semi. There were cars behind them that wished he would speed up and pass the semi, for they both were traveling slower than the posted speed limit. The car directly behind him was cursing at him, making obscene comments about his mother, and having visions of pulling Doug’s SUV over and viciously shooting everyone inside with the assault rifle underneath the passenger seat because Doug was driving so slow. Doug was unaware of this.
166. Radar Bros.
The Fallen Leaf Pages
Los Angeles, CA
When they got home, Bean was there waiting on them. Bean was actually too stupid to ever be a truck driver. He was really too stupid to be much of anything other than the guy who cleans Doug’s shop. Like truck drivers, Bean had an infatuation with sleazy coffee shop waitresses. He was very well known at one restaurant, and all the waitresses referred to him as “trouble”. “Uh-oh, here comes trouble,” they would tease as soon as he entered. He lavished this attention. When they called him “hon”, he interpreted that as “Oh Bean, take me home and fuck me in the ass.” He was especially attracted to this one waitress named Melinda. In the past year, Bean had masturbated 472 times- 358 of these, including a record 24 times in one week, involved Melinda inserting his penis inside a ham and cheese omelet and eating it off. Of the 472 total, 471 of them were waitresses of some sort- the other was a Paris Hilton video he caught at a friend’s house on pay per view. In reality, Bean had only had sex with one person and she later ran off and joined the circus.
165. The Perishers
"Let There Be Morning" 4:46
Let There Be Morning
Bean’s preferred masturbation technique was humping the crease of his couch cushions. When it came time to ejaculate, Bean simply shot his sperm inside the couch and frequently debated whether or not he should give his sofa a morning after pill. Bean often took notice to other people’s couches and judged them not on their appearance or how well they matched the other furniture, but on the softness of the fabric in which it was made. He always slid his fingers in-between the cushions of every couch he sat on to determine how good it would feel to slip his cock in there. Bean longed for the day when he could someday own a velvet sofa. He had no use for a textured couch, or a sofa made from a scratchy or itchy material. When shopping for a sofa, Bean would measure were the crease of the cushions was and how little he would have to contort his body to slide his penis in-between the cushions. He had no interest for a sofa that did not have removable cushions. He wished he could have a couch specially made just for him and even thought how nice it would be to have a nude woman artistically drawn on the cushion’s fabric.
164. The Raveonettes
"Ode To L.A." 3:15
Pretty In Black
Bean would often get sexually aroused simply by sitting on sofas or growing near certain materials because of how he conditioned himself. His penis actually craved the touch of couch fabric more than it desired women. Many of his dreams that occurred while sleeping involved erotic fantasies and a couch. Bean never figured this out however, and simply assumed his sensations were brought on by a female.
|Figure 1: Bean Thinking of a Waitress|
163. Cass McCombs
"City of Brotherly Love" 4:30
Concord, CA/Chicago, IL
“Ayyyyy!” Bean shouted as he was finishing off his beer. He had purchased a six pack of beer on the way over in which he paid $1.89 for, which was significantly cheaper than average beer prices back then.
“Just got back from the grocery,” Doug said as he opened the trunk. “Hey kids, help your mother carry in these groceries.” Doug escorted Bean to the door, empty handed. Each of the kids carried in several bags and Tonya not only had to carry several bags, but also the baby, whom she even needed to remove from the car seat and cried the whole time.
162. Lou Barlow
"If I Could" 3:43
Dayton, OH/Amherst, MA
Tonya remained in the kitchen and put all the groceries away herself. Periodically, Melissa would cry with her annoying wine, and she would have to aide her as well.“Bean,” Doug asked, “you want a glass of tomato juice or some fresh apple cider or something?”
“Sure,” he answered, “I’ll have a glass of cranberry juice.”
“Hey honey,” Doug hollered into the kitchen, “when you’re done putting those groceries away, bring in me and Bean a couple glasses of cranberry juice will ya?”
“Sure,” she answered.
Tonya finished putting the groceries away, grabbed her husband and his friend a glass of cranberry juice, and sat in the living room on the sofa next to Bean.
“Oh,” interjected Doug, “we got to tell you this. Run upstairs and get Dakota.”
Tonya had no desire to get up and walk all the way upstairs to get her son who had been yapping at her all night. Bean wasn’t particularly thrilled about Dakota coming down either. Whenever Bean bent over, his butt crack showed and Dakota had a habit of making fun of him for that. In fact, he was known to make fun of Bean for a few things. Bean and everybody else, Tonya included.
"Dead to the World" 5:21
“We’ve got a great story for you,” said Doug very excited.
“What are you talking about?” Bean asked.
“I’m going to tell her about that fool Rooster.”
Rooster wasn’t this person’s real name but places such as Doug’s automotive shop always gave people nicknames.
Moments later, Tonya and Dakota came down and sat down in the living room.
“What!” shouted Dakota.
“Hey,” Doug said with an enormous grin on his face, “remember today when ol’ Rooster was loosening up those lug nuts?”
“Loosening? Right, he got it real loose all right,” Dakota was being sarcastic. “That geek.”
Doug and Bean laughed.
160. Edith Frost
"A Mirage" 5:25
It's A Game
San Antonio, TX/Chicago, IL
In 2005, Dakota was 12 years old in the seventh grade. He emphatically enjoyed making fun of people. He was expeditious to criticize any flaw in other people’s persona or physical appearance, and even made fun of handicapped people. At school, he was moderately popular, but his downfall was imminent. He always took whatever side was winning. Furthermore, all of his opinions and beliefs were based on which ever was popular at the time. When watching sports, his favorite team each year was whoever had the best record. Also, he would change his mind about issues if he was in the company of people who believed in something else other than what he previously believed prior to meeting them. He would never take a stand for anything and didn’t understand anything out of the ordinary.
159. Slow Dazzle
"Now Or Never Or Later" 4:24
The View From The Floor
New York, NY
Although he was moderately popular, he was also despised by several of his classmates. Any student with a physical blemish, Dakota was always the first one to point it out. Any student who was having difficulties in a given subject matter, Dakota was the first to point out that the kid was “stupid”. It should be known; Dakota did not achieve good grades and is in the bottom echelon of the class in every single subject. Also, he was overweight and not at all cute or handsome.
158. Echo And The Bunnymen
"All Because Of You Days" 5:45
Dakota had no problem picking on people he was 100% certain he could beat up. He often bullied the smallest, weakest, kids in the class. However, he was not nearly the toughest kid in school. Also, if some of these kids he picked on started hanging out with bigger kids, Dakota would cease bothering them. He also picked on girls. He had done physical harm to girls before, holding down one girl and sitting on her until she said out loud that he was the most handsome boy in the class. She did it, but cried when she got home and remained traumatized for a long time. He pestered them often, called them names, informed the ugly ones they were ugly and made jokes about them out loud. He sometimes pestered the cute ones too, anything he could to make them seem smaller than he. There was not one girl in the class that found Dakota the least bit attractive. It’s unforeseeable that he will get laid at an early age. However, he is showing symptoms to become the type who would get a girl drunk and take advantage of her.
"Benzie Box" 3:00
The Mouse and the Mask
Aside from Doug, not one other person at the shop liked Dakota. Because he was the boss’s son, they had to ineptly tolerate him. Many simply tried to ignore him. But, because he was the owner’s son, he had the privilege of never being fired. In fact, he often thought he was second in command and would not obey anything unless Doug told him. When he bothered the other mechanics, if they asked him to leave them alone, he’d say something like: “I don’t have to.” Anytime any mechanic made a mistake, no matter how small, Dakota was the first to point it out. He would then relentlessly criticize and crack jokes about this mistake all day. In fact, he’d even bring up the error several weeks later. Every person in the shop awaited the day he dreadfully blundered something. However, Dakota would not even attempt anything mildly difficult if people were around. He only performed tasks he was 100% positive he could do.
"Miss Kkarma Kkoma" 4:09
Moonshower and Razorblades
Tábor, Czech Republic
Obviously, Dakota was not a risk taker. He would never be the first to accomplish anything. He was so frightened to take risks and so afraid of anything that he was uncertain of that he would probably cry if he were forced to be in a situation where he was expected to originate something or perform a crucial task under pressure. He was non-accepting of all persons who do not fit the norm. Any person who did not wish to conform with mainstream society, Dakota considered a “weirdo.” He and Doug both laughed out loud at people with punk rock hair styles, people who dressed in fashions they had not been exposed to, and ridiculed any person they suspected might be a homosexual.
155. Black Dice
"Heavy Manners" 4:12
Broken Ear Record
Providence, RI/New York, NY
Occasionally, some of the things he said were funny and his bluntness appealed to others outside his family. For instance, one incident at a store involved Dakota walking past an extremely fat woman getting out of her car parked in a handicapped space. For the most part, people who received handicapped decals solely on the basis of being obese rubbed people the wrong way and a majority of society felt obesity should not be grounds for a handicapped decal. In fact, it made some people downright livid. When Dakota saw a big woman parked in the handicapped, he actually said something.
“Hey fatso,” he yelled to the overweight slob grabbing her attention, “if your fat butt wouldn’t park in the handicapped and actually walked to the store you might lose weight some you tub of lard.”
Several people walking by heard Dakota erupted in laughter, so Dakota thought he was cool. But, he had a tendency to take it to extremes. He stated several times that when he gets his car, he had no intention on complying with handicapped parking laws. He claimed he would park in handicapped spaces on purpose just to make fat people walk. Dakota also believed people in wheelchairs were unworthy of these spaces also because they were sitting down and rolling to the place, and people who actually work should be given the closest spots.
"A Song Is Not The Song Of The World" 3:57
First Light's Freeze
San Diego, CA/New York, NY
Sure he did some of these antics to be amusing and was trying to impress others, but the bottom line was, Dakota quickly pointed out flaws in other people simply as a way of concealing his own. This was evident by the fact he only flowed with the majority. Tonya was even uncomfortable around him. He pointed out stuff on her too. When she cooked, he declared it didn’t taste good. Whenever she gained weight, at 38 with four kids that’s expected, he called her fatso and joked that she was going to have to get a decal and park closer to the store. He even openly griped about Christmas and birthday gifts out loud in front of the person who so kindly bought them for him.
153. Frida Hyvönen
"You Never Got Me Right" 1:54
Until Death Comes
He didn’t pull this with his father or his older brother however, though he often made his sister April cry. When his dad was not around, he never uttered anything about people who were bigger than he. If he were all alone, and walked passed two men French-kissing in the street, he would not mumble a word. If suddenly he were surrounded by gays, and even a couple people he admired was gay too, he’d declare nothing was with it and even try to be gay too. That is, until he got around heterosexuals again.
The Essential Sounds from the Far East
For the most part, any person who spent much time around Dakota felt like knocking the shit out of him after a while. To top it off, most people were rooting for him to fail. People could not wait for the day when he hit rock bottom so they could spit on him. Some of the other employees at the shop had even fantasized about beating him to death with a pitchfork and burying out back behind the shop. And he’s only 12 years old.
151. Acid Mothers Temple & The Cosmic Inferno
"Trigger in Trigger Out" 20:18
Just Another Band from the Cosmic Inferno
The Ultra-Lame Shop Story: Doug laughed while he told this story, he could barely contain himself. “Ol Rooster,” pausing briefly to laugh out loud, Bean laughed too and Dakota was smiling but not laughing. “Ol Rooster was trying to take these lug nuts off a truck and was over there cussing and screaming.” Again, Doug laughed loudly.
“Oh, he was mad,” Bean added.
“Mad? He was ready to kill somebody.” Doug’s face was red and tears were streaking from his eyes from laughing so hard. “Anyway, he’s over there cussing and hollering trying to get these lug nuts off.”
“He was like,” Dakota now changed his voice to try and sound like Rooster, “I think these lug nuts must be rusted or something. This a-hole must have left them out in the rain or something.”
Doug was laughing so hard now, he could hardly breathe. Bean was laughing too, but not like Doug. Tonya started to laugh as well. Both were laughing because Doug is laughing so hard.
“This guy was cranking on this thing for fifteen minutes with everything he’s got.”
“And Rooster’s a strong boy,” added Bean.
“Yeah, no kidding,” declared Doug, still laughing, as he continued, “he’s cranking this sucker and cranking this sucker when Stinky Herman comes walking by.”
“Stinky Herman just stood right by him,” added Bean, “just stood by him and watched.”
“I’m surprised Rooster didn’t smell him,” said Dakota.
“Oh he saw him all right,” said Bean.
“Finally,” Doug was about to burst, “Stinky Herman says ‘Rooster, do you know you’re turning those lug nuts the wrong way?’ Rooster looked up at him and was like ‘what!’ He threw that dog gone wrench down.”
Doug started laughing so hard the neighbors may have heard him.
“Then he had it so tight,” added Bean, “it took him another ten minutes to get it loosened turning it the right way.”
“Oh my God,” Doug started wiping his eyes and the sweat off his forehead, “I liked to have died.”
“It’s cause he’s left-handed,” declared Dakota. “Left handed people are morons and do everything backwards.”
Doug and Bean remained laughing for a few more minutes. Tonya laughed too. Melissa started crying.
“Whoo,” said Doug finishing his laugh. “Hon, you better take care of that little one.”
And she did.
Middle image drawn by me, Tony J. Neal (I know, I'm such a great artist haha)
Bottom image by: http://tqnightmare.com/web_images/oct31_013.jpg