Part 1: Family Values in America
Part 2: The Oblivious Barnes Family
Part 3: The Lunch That Changed Everything
Part 4: Chickens are Extinct
Part 5: Masturbation is a Sin!
Part 6: Cracks in the Foundation
Part 7: Dr. Shaw's Party & The Aftermath That Ensued
Part 8: Disaster Finally Strikes
Part I: Family Values in America
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
200. Fiona Apple
"Extraordinary Machine" 3:44
New York, NY
Technically, Moses was the first “anti-Christ” even though the term had not yet been coined during his time existence. His theory of monotheism as well as his code of ethics that he claimed came from God himself not only divided the entire population, but generated more tension and spawned more violence than Napoleon, Hitler, Bush, and Pol Pot combined. He invented a system of morals that contradicted what was natural behavior, and then lied and told everybody these “rules” came from God, the only God, and any person who did not follow them shall be perished forever. Strangely, nearly 4000 years later people still clung to a belief system fabricated by a known serial killer. And human beings all across the globe are still feeling the negative effects left by Moses- war, jealousy, oppression, and hate.
199. Paul McCartney
"Fine Line" 3:05
Chaos and Creation in the Backyard
“Family values” was a phrase often mentioned in 2005. Traditional family values were disintegrating in America, and rightly so. Traditional family values practiced standards originated by Moses’ belief system. It downplayed the role of women in society as being incapable of handling roles of leadership or making crucial decisions. Furthermore, in large part to organized religion’s faux code of conduct, behavior involving sex, drugs, or profanity was deemed obscene and inappropriate for family values. Nobody actually knew why American Christian fundamentalists still practiced these beliefs (the text of Moses’ 10 Commandments clearly states it’s strictly for those people who were once slaves in Egypt (there has never been any proof slavery actually existed in Egypt and these slaves are considered lost)) nor did anybody know why these persons were permitted to be the ones to judge what was right and wrong in society and determine how other people were supposed to live. But many people knew that the longer these people still held on to these beliefs, serious complications were sure to follow.
198. Silver Jews
"I'm Getting Back Into Getting Back Into You" 2:34
The Barnes’ had a wonderful family, almost a perfect family at one point according to society’s standards. So wonderful, that some people were totally baffled and wondered “how such a terrible thing could happen to a family like this?” But supposedly, all things happen for a reason and some choose to believe that. Their tale was really nothing new for every generation a new enemy is created. And very often, this enemy is just somebody doing what he/she was taught to do or acting in a manner that society had instilled. Events involving the new enemy appear worse during transitional periods in time for the seriousness is often severely tragic and it generates more exposure and sparks more debate. The year 2005 was a transitional period in America.
The news shocked America when it happened. Even though the news and media spun the story saying he was the victim, many argued she was the victim. The whole thing turned political and many argued what a victim really was- the one who chose to believe in society’s standards? Or the one who chooses to defy them? Although the issue was debated all across America, none of them really knew the whole story. Well, here it is…the whole story.
197. Brazilian Girls
"Lazy Lover" 4:00
New York, NY
The Barnes’ family, one could say, represented what good hearted American folks considered to be family values. They owned an above average priced new home in an all-white subdivision in the suburbs. They drove nice cars, he had an SUV, she a minivan. They believed in God, went to church regularly, and considered themselves patriotic. They hung a flag in the front yard, which was always kept mowed and neatly landscaped. Doug was not only an adequate mechanic, but owned his own auto repair shop which did fairly well. He was moderately respected and generally well liked by those he associated with. Doug was a law-abiding citizen and raised his kids to be the same.
196. Jamie Lidell
The Barnes’ recently announced they had a new addition to the family; a girl- Melissa. Melissa was their fourth, and to be the last. She was actually an unexpected surprise. The oldest boy, Darrin, was 13 while the other boy, Dakota, was 12. April came third, and was eight at the time. Tonya was the mother, and what a wonderful mother she was. She cooked, cleaned, did laundry, and took impeccable care of the kids. She did all the shopping, did the groceries, and all the planning for holidays and family gatherings. She did all this with a full-time job as a nurse at a hospital in the city. She’d been off on maternity leave for 8 weeks, but this story begins her first day returning to work.
"Repair Machines" 3:48
Doug would have preferred her to stay at home with the kids. However, 2005 America saw the negative aspects of capitalism nearing its peak. During this period, most Americans worked in order to pay interest, credit cards, and taxes. Although corporations, banks, and the federal government represented just a small portion of the population, they controlled a major portion of the finances. The banks, with assistance of the government and the media, had done an excellent job of manipulating people’s minds into thinking that capitalism meant freedom and all other systems of economics was not only incompetent, but iniquitous and infringed on the rights of others. Mainstream society completely bought into these theories and allowed the banks and the federal government to have a financial stronghold on working American’s income.
In actuality, capitalism meant corporations enjoyed the freedom to charge outrageous prices, pay employees lower incomes, tack on additional fees as often as desired, and create what they referred to as interest rates, which were additional finance charges that were added to each bill every month when the customer did not pay the amount owed in full. If the consumer did not cooperate, the corporations were then free to charge additional delinquent charges, sue the person for even more money, send the person to jail, confiscate all his or her belongings and ruin what was known as a credit report in order to prevent the person from obtaining any more purchases ever again. Everybody else was free to abide by this or be referred to as a Communist.
194. Franz Ferdinand
"Evil and a Heathen" 2:07
You Could Have It So Much Better
Due to the demands of the capitalism, most families required two incomes in order to make ends meet. Furthermore, with four kids in those days, it would have been impossible to survive off one income unless the one person working was remarkably wealthy. Doug, although his shop did reasonably well, was far from wealthy. But, he made enough to where the score of his credit report allowed him to get a loan or a credit card anytime he needed. That was significant because due to the high taxes, interest rates, and inflation in those days, most people had to use credit cards in order to pay for basic necessities such as food and clothing. The Barnes’ didn’t have to pay for childcare because Doug’s mother Nancy stayed at home with the children. Doug figured if she was good mom- a great mom, for he and his family growing up, she was perfect for his own children.
"Black Tambourine" 2:47
Los Angeles, CA
It would also be appropriate to introduce Bean at this point. Bean was an employee at Doug’s shop and was a staple at the Barnes’ house. He visited quite frequently and he and Doug were really close friends. There was also a British comedy actor who went by Bean, but this Bean looked or acted nothing like him. This Bean was rugged and dirty with a beard. Doug was his only friend and it’s obvious that Bean had not sex with anything human in several years.
192. Art Brut
"Bad Weekend" 2:44
Bang Bang Rock And Roll
The Barnes’ description met that of several families in the United States at the time. Much of what took place in the Barnes’ household was quite typical of what took place in many American homes and an extremely high percentage of homes in subdivisions. So when the ominous events occurred and peculiar situations began developing, most of this went undetected for everything seemed ordinary. However, one can’t help but wonder how many other American households did in fact have similar affairs taking place and how many of those households were fated to have same disastrous climax as the events that unfolded in the Barnes’ residence in the summer of 2005.
191. The Bellrays
"Poison Arrow" 3:45
The Red, White & Black
On Tonya’s first day back to work at the clinic she discovered things had changed since the eight weeks she’d been off. There was a new doctor in charge, Dr. Marcus Shaw, and he was who Tonya now worked directly with. She had never worked with him or anybody like him in her life. The new doctor was extremely popular. Dr. Shaw was young, handsome and very intelligent. However, he was outspoken with a hard left-wing political stance. He was charismatic and people championed him because of his point of view and rebellious nature towards policies eradicated by the government and religion. Tonya disagreed with his point of view to the extreme that she was offended by his behavior. She was brought up to believe in God and to follow the principals Moses had laid out in The Bible. She supported President Bush for she believed his words to be the faultless truth. She supported America for she truly believed it to be the greatest country on Earth with far more liberties than any other country, even though she had never traveled to another country. Tonya supported the war in Iraq because she honestly believed Iraq was harboring terrorists and actually had weapons of mass destruction. She believed Saddam Hussein was a demonic menace because the media said so.
190. Scout Niblett
Kidnapped by Neptune
Stone, England/Oakland, CA
Not only did she believe in God, but Tonya believed every single word in the Bible was written by God himself. She also believed in everything else the church taught her or claimed was God’s expectations for not just her, but for all members of society. Therefore, she did not use swear words, watch television shows that contained sexual content, inject illicit drugs, or molest strange children who wandered around her neighborhood. And, she expected her kids to be the same way. Dr. Shaw’s philosophy on life came from a different perspective. He was an atheist, did not support the American foreign policy, and was against the war, capitalism, and all forms of organized religion. He possessed righteous theories Tonya never before knew existed. He organized protests and wrote political commentaries speaking out for what he believed was right. To him, Tonya was naïve and even a bit stupid. In private conversation with others, Tonya was often referred to as “Bubblehead”.
189. The Kills
"At The Back Of The Shell" 2:27
The two had a spat their first day working together. Dr. Shaw and another co-worker, Bill Bradley, were discussing prostitution. The person whom Dr. Shaw was speaking with was in the process of writing a letter to his congressman for a proposal to make prostitution legal. He had just returned from a vacation in Amsterdam and had enjoyed the pleasure of spending a night with a prostitute- legally. Not long ago, he had a prostitute in Cincinnati- illegally. The prostitute in Amsterdam was a far better than the prostitute in Cincinnati. She was not only better sexually, but the prostitute he had in Cincinnati gave him the clap; Bill couldn’t even file a claim with the Better Business Bureau for having a bad prostitute.
Dr. Shaw agreed prostitution should be legal because the government shall have no right to dictate what is ethically right or wrong. But, Bill proposed that legalizing prostitution would: eliminate sexually transmitted diseases by requiring prostitutes to have an examination in order to obtain their license, would protect prostitutes from rape (theft technically) and pimp abuse, and would create jobs to better aide the economy. Furthermore, Bill viewed prostitution not as a sin, but rather a skillful trade and those who are really good and enjoy having sex should be permitted to profit from it- thus, the only people who are prostitutes are those who wish to be one and eliminating whiny religious girls from hooking just for money even though they’ve been force-fed that it is wrong and are only doing it because they are desperate and can’t think of anything better to do. Also, prostitution agencies may even require their employees to have a college degree and universities could teach people all of the business and marketing aspects required with this wonderful trade. Bill even suggested prostitution may even be a good job for his daughter although how he knew this was a mystery.
188. Laurent Garnier
"First Reaction (V2)" 6:58
The Cloud Making Machine
Tonya was appalled by this whole discussion. Just the thought that any person could even notion that there isn’t anything wrong with prostitution sickened her. She could not fathom how any person could ever stoop so low as do an act so hideous as to hooking the street. And she let Bill and Dr. Shaw know they were wrong too and expected they would cease speaking of such a taboo subject immediately. But instead, they argued back with her. In fact, the two of them backed her into a corner and she eventually stumbled over her words and failed to back up any of her beliefs with any sort of logic whatsoever. She could not say exactly why she found the notion so horrendous, and simply kept repeating,” It’s wrong!” or, “it just is,” or “it says so in The Bible.” Dr. Shaw finally insisted that by demanding all persons in America follow her exact religious pattern not only cripples the freedom this country was supposed to stand for with dignity, but was also unconstitutional.
187. Chad VanGaalen
"Sunshine Snare Hits" 3:59
Calgary, AB, Canada
Those statements addled Tonya. Not only was his perspective abhorrent, but he used profanity towards her as well. It also perturbed her that most of her co-workers, people she once considered friends, concerted with him because this behavior is inappropriate, obnoxious, and unpleasant. She felt threatened by him. Truth be known, Tonya was a bit afraid of men anyway. The fact that a man could overpower her at any time and harm her physically or sexually intimidated her. And, that some men actually do these things, she heard about them on the news every day and night, downright frightened her. She walked life daunted that at any given moment, she could be helpless to a man, much bigger and stronger than she, who wished to beat her, rape her, and ransack her living room furniture. She never went to bad neighborhoods and avoided black men whenever possible.
"Waved On" 5:21
Tonya’s father Harold had never been known as pleasant fellow. He worked in a warehouse and was a terrible conversationalist. For him, getting dressed up meant slicking his hair back, although he rarely attended events were dressing up was an order. Some kids had the element where all of their friends got a crush on their dads and said things like, “your dad is hot!”… Tonya had no such thing with her father. In fact, she had never had a full conversation with him. He never called her, although she called him and visited periodically, nor did he have any interest in those kids of hers. He never took his family anywhere, not Tonya’s mother Patsy, or her sister Pauline. Patsy died in 2002 and Pauline moved over a thousand miles away. Pauline and Tonya did not see or speak to each other very often, although there was no feud going on between them. They get along good, but life was too busy for the two siblings to maintain a meaningful relationship. Pauline had not spoken to her father in years nor did she have any desire to.
Patsy was not a bad looking woman at all and her peers wondered what she ever saw in Harold. After she married Harold, people stopped talking to her. Men stopped flirting with her entirely. It was not that she became ugly or they were threatened by Harold, it was men now viewed her as contaminated for being with Harold. Harold treated her like excrement from a giraffe. He never bought her anything nice and never did anything with or for her. He didn’t support her emotionally and he occasionally hit her. Nobody ever knew why she ever stayed with him. She was not the most intelligent person by any reach, but she could have done better than this. It also should be known that Patsy came from a sheltered life and raised Tonya and Pauline in one as well.
185. Husky Rescue
"Sunset Drive" 3:59
Harold’s closet bode two skeletons. Number one, as a teenager, Harold periodically had sexual intercourse with chickens. In fact, he stopped eating eggs for a brief period of time because he couldn’t be certain whether or not he was the father. The second, he purposely crippled a man at work. His company hired a new employee who was performing superlatively and much better than Harold. Harold got jealous and ran him over with a forklift and made it look like an accident. Harold smoked generic cigarettes in the house and expected either his wife or the kids to empty the ashtray. He listened to country music, but only occasionally for he mostly watched television and was in control over what was watched. He usually watched stupid shows too, like re-runs of Chico and the Man or The Incredible Hulk. If Tonya, Pauline, or Patsy were in the living watching a program, Harold would have no problem coming in and changing the channel to something he wanted to watch no matter how interested any of them were in the program they were watching. Harold never cooked or cleaned- ever. He also had a tattoo on his right arm in blue ink, no other colors, and nobody could even make out what it was and nobody asked. Really, nobody even gave a shit. It was just some stupid tattoo that made Harold look all that more horrendous.
Patsy had to have had sex with him at least twice. However, they did it more than that. Nobody besides Patsy and Harold knew the details of their sex life and most would have been disgusted to hear about it. But, it may be interesting to note that Harold had a small penis, made obnoxious groans when he had an orgasm, and the longest he ever lasted was four minutes and nine seconds (Patsy considered that the worst time ever by the way). He never brought Patsy to orgasm.
184. The A-Lines
"Nothing Personal" 2:15
You Can Touch
Many people believe women tend to marry men who remind them of their father, but nobody really knows if that is the full forsaken truth. While Doug is a major improvement over Harold, it is possible that a woman’s father can dictate what her role in the family is and what she may become tolerant to. Doug seldom cooked, seldom cleaned. Doug would turn the channel, even if Tonya or one of the kids was in the middle of show, to watch what he wanted to watch. He was the man of the house, it was his house, and he made all the final decisions. Tonya was acceptable with this because that was what she was accustomed to. Tonya definitely never observed how her father was perceived amongst the others in their surroundings. He was her father, the disciplinarian, the man who knew everything. Had she not been his daughter, she may have noticed that Harold didn’t have any friends, people only spoke to him to be nice, and his job was total crap. Furthermore, she may have also noticed his co-workers made fun of him behind his back and circulated rumors that he once fucked a sheep (nobody ever found out about the chickens, but it’s easy to spot a person who’s engaged in bestiality). Young girls found him appalling, poorly dressed, and his poor dental hygiene repulsive.
183. Bear Vs. Shark
Tonya found comfort in Doug for he never hit her. Ever. He didn’t believe in it. He did scold her one time… Yelled at the top of his lungs because she was talking during The National Anthem of a football game. Doug also got along with Harold. In those days, it was considered customary to show the father of the bride utmost respect and Doug conceded. He never challenged him nor did he ever closely observe his mannerisms or how he was perceived in society. Rather, he spent his time with Harold sucking up and trying to impress him. Doug did have far more meaningful conversations with Harold than any other person on Earth ever did, even though it’s very possible Doug and Harold never actually had a meaningful conversation.
"Sweet Fucking Mouth/Living Wag" 1:16
Burmese / Fistula
San Francisco, CA
There was one thing that had recently caused a vexation in her life and it was referred to as “the butter incident.” Because of “the butter incident” Doug had declared Tonya shall not be permitted to make any crucial decisions due to incompetence. Furthermore, Doug had the children make jokes about her and question her intelligence and her credibility. She never approved of these actions, especially turning the children against her. However, she never said a word to anybody expressing her discomfort with this issue and the tension has continued to mount inside her.
181. Stereo Total
"Europa Neurotisch" 2:33
Do the Bambi
She went to the grocery store one day and came home with an abundance of Land O Lakes butter for it was on sale. It really was a great sale, a ridiculous sale in which the store was more than likely losing money on the deal. To top it off, they did not put a limit on how many packages the customer could purchase. As a result, Tonya bought 57 packs, each containing four sticks, of Land O Lakes butter. “This stuff expires,” declared Doug. “Plus, where in the heck are we going to put it? We will never use 57 boxes of butter. This was stupid.”
"Frantic (Roman Polanski Version)" 3:05
I Sold Gold
Tulsa, OK/Seattle, WA
He was right and she knew it. The family did enjoy the luxury of, when Darrin or Dakota made macaroni and cheese and the recipe called for a half of a stick, they would throw the other half in the trash without having to worry about wrapping it back up properly. Or, if some asshole buttered toast and got crumbs stuck to the stick of butter, they would just throw the rest of the stick in the trash. For corn on the cob, each family member got his or her own stick to butter the corn with. Once the corn was buttered, and the stick of butter became rounded at the end in the shape of the corn cob, the rest of the stick was thrown in the trash without hesitation.
"Morning Disaster" 5:33
Despite all these luxuries that came with over-purchasing Land O Lakes butter because it was on sale, Doug constantly told the story of how she bought all this butter to family and friends just to ridicule her. Anytime they may disagree about something, he brought up the Land O Lakes incident and reminded her that she was capable of making incoherent decisions. And to top it all off, the kids taunted her and Doug always joined in with them. Despite all the hysteria that overshadowed her savings that day, she still loved Doug very much and her kids. Her disapproval of this does not consume too much of her energy and she has never expressed her feelings about this situation with any other person.
178. Head of Femur
Tonya let Doug have sex with her any time he wanted to. However, she never got any enjoyment out of it. She didn’t mind it though, for she thought that it was something she was supposed to do to keep her man happy. Although they had sex on a regular basis, Tonya had never one time experienced orgasm during intercourse nor had she ever masturbated. She never initiated the sex either. In fact, she never came home horny or fantasized about sex at all. She had no sexual fantasies whatsoever and considered them to be gross and obscene. But when it was time for him to have sex with her, she always obliged. She considered it a nice gesture and was pleased to make him happy. On the average, sex lasted just over 39 seconds. The fastest was one hump and the longest was 12 minutes in which he was loud and sweated profusely. That was her favorite time because it was his favorite. Tonight, forty-six seconds, and he bit the pillow and shook his head as he came.
177. Boards of Canada
"Chromakey Dreamcoat" 5:48
The Campfire Headphase
Doug’s sister, Elaine, and her husband Rick both worked at the hospital also, but not in Tonya’s clinic. Tonya encountered them periodically and ate lunch with them everyday in their lunchroom. Doug and Rick were friends as well and the two couples occasionally socialized together. Tonya reached a point to where she absolutely despised Dr. Shaw and talked about him everyday when he wasn’t around. Rick, on the other hand, liked Dr. Shaw although he didn’t always agree with him. He concurred with some of his philosophies, but he also attuned with many of Tonya and Doug’s as well. Rick habitually used profanity and possessed a deranged sense of humor. However, he also abetted organized religion, advocated America’s faux freedom, and even voted for George W. Bush in the ever-so heralded election of 2004- even though he didn’t like many of his policies. Elaine and Tonya agreed on everything and were strong supporters of Bush, the church, anything advertised to make children safer and America’s future more secure. Let’s say, Tonya tolerated Rick.
176. Anti-Social Music
"Each Today Is Yesterday's Tomorrow (For Moondog)" 4:46
Sings the Great American Songbook
Rick’s department had a new employee named Tristen Lake whom Rick fancied, as did Dr. Shaw. He was only 22 years old, but very intelligent and had a sharp sense of humor in which people were drawn to. Both Rick and Dr. Shaw were both outspoken people and blunt with anybody. Tristen was not quite as outspoken, hardly blunt at all, and even passive at times. However, he had a more righteous political viewpoint than even Dr. Shaw. In fact, he had an outrageous point of view on everything. As a result, Tonya hated him too, even though everybody else liked him. And even though everybody else adored him, they still considered him unconventional to the extreme he may have mental disorders.
He was very kind to people, very pleasant, and when people stated their opinions, he just went along. When somebody would do something irritating, he’d simply let it go without getting angered. Whereas a lot of people in those days expected others to follow norms and only associate with people exactly like themselves, Tristen affiliated with all persons regardless of race, creed, gender, sexual preference, or interests. He always defended other people’s oddities or abnormal behaviors.
Although straight, he’d argue it was okay for a person to be gay and they should have equal rights (a stance which often got him accused of being queer). He argued the government should not be permitted to elucidate who marries who. He deduced: “People should be allowed to marry as many family members as they desire, regardless of gender, race, or creed”. He also supported legalization of drugs, prostitutes, abortion, and anything else considered victimless crimes. Tristen believed individuals should all be different and all differences should be embraced.
He only expressed his true opinions around certain company though. But, if he felt strong enough about an issue, he would encourage uproars to injustice and authoritarians.
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