2012/03/23

The Top 75 Songs of 1974

Paradigm Shift + The Best Songs of 1974
Chapter 1: One Wish
Chapter 2: August 22nd, 4:37 PM EST
Chapter 3: Paradigm Shift
Chapter 4: Cooper
Chapter 5: Frightening is the New Animal Friendly
Chapter 6: Wild Animal Instinct
Chapter 7: Midnight Lemur

Chapter V: Frightening is the New Animal Friendly


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.



75. Miles Davis
"Rated X"  6:56
Get Up With It
Alton, IL (1926)-Santa Monica, CA (1991)

There was one huge difference between Charlie the hamster and David Lynch. When you see interviews with David Lynch, he is almost the exact opposite of what you would expect from seeing his movies; David Lynch is pretty down to Earth, a nice guy, and not a drug user. Charlie, however, was one fucked up hamster. He wore big sunglasses and scarves like Andy Warhol. He would host outrageous Midnight Cowboy style parties and appeared on the David Letterman show completely stoned. His mannerisms were as eccentric as his films.

74. Harmonia
"Dino"  3:34
Musik Von
Forst, Germany

Roscoe the monkey ran into his old friend Lester the elephant out in front of Pick ‘N’ Save. The two hadn’t seen each other in awhile as they had been spending less time at the zoo. Roscoe invited Lester into Pick ‘N’ Save, but Lester informed the monkey that was no longer allowed in there.

“Yea, back when all this first happened, I went in there and shit all over the floor. I didn’t know, and the manager’s like ‘you gotta leave.’ So now, I’m barred from Pick ‘N’ Save.”

Roscoe could only imagine the mess an elephant shitting all over the floor at a grocery store would have caused. They discussed their new jobs, and both were doing great. Being a monkey, Roscoe was a hot commodity and had several jobs…claimed he was on the verge of becoming a superstar. As for Lester the elephant…

“I got me a sweet gig. All I do is take phone calls, and then go to people’s houses, and they pay me to shit in their garden; claims it makes the plants grow better like fertilizer or something.”

“Man,” Roscoe quipped, “your life revolves around shit doesn’t it?”

73. Magma
"Ork Alarm"  5:30
Köhntarkösz
Paris, France

Lindsey was sleeping soundly in her bed wearing only a t-shirt and a pair of panties. She was lying on her front on top of the covers and her sensational body was completely exposed. A man entered her home, snuck into her bedroom, and turned a flashlight on her. He froze, as he was stricken with the worst fear of his life.

In bed with Lindsey was a pack of pit vipers, 6 of them, and one of them being a humungous rattlesnake. The snakes were coiled up resting on the bed, some of them lying on her, one was slightly wrapped around her leg. When he turned on the flashlight, it awoke the snakes, but not Lindsey. He could only watch in horror as the snakes were slivering across the bed, across Lindsey’s bare legs, whipping their tongues in and out at him. One of the snakes stretched upwards until he was eye level with the burglar. Upon being face-to-face with a poisonous snake in the bedroom, the man fainted and dropped to the floor.

The rattlesnake slivered his way up Lindsey’s bare leg, across her butt barely covered with panties, up her back, and until his face was directly in hers.

“Psst,” the rattlesnake hissed trying to wake her up, “hey, somebody’s in here.”

Lindsey awoke and saw the rattlesnake in her face and was immediately irritated. She pushed the rattlesnake across the face, “damn it. I’m trying to sleep. Go away.”

After getting whacked in the face by Lindsey, the rest of the snakes glanced down off the bed at the burglar collapsed on the floor, then shrugged the only way snakes know how to, and coiled back up and went back to sleep. They slept on Lindsey’s bed the same way cats curl up and snuggle in the bed.

72. Sensations' Fix
"Underwater"  4:47
Portable Madness
Firenze, Italy

The pigeons never fully converted to the new life. They assumed that this was some sort of conspiracy theory and the world was plotting to destroy them. Pigeons were often considered assholes, avoided humans, and whenever somebody spoke to them they would only respond with profanity laced crude remarks. Often, these pigeons would say these things unprovoked, and people had to ignore pigeons. They would make crude comments about people’s mothers, harass children on the streets, and call people obscene names.

Randy was standing out in front of his employment smoking a cigarette when a pigeon several feet away yelled for him trying to his attention. “Hey! You! Hey!” When Randy turned and looked, and for no reason whatsoever, the pigeon peered at him with a staunch look and briskly told him, “fuck you!” while flipping him the middle feather of his wing. After making this derogatory comment and gesture, the whole flock of them flew away.

71. Richard & Linda Thompson
"Down Where The Drunkards Roll"  4:07
I Want to See the Bright Lights Tonight
London, England

Desolate Row was that back alleyway filled primarily with dumpsters, trash bags, sewers, and vagabonds. For squirrels, chipmunks, birds, and a few dogs, Desolate Row was never a bad place to live. Since the miracle, not much had changed for them. However, there seemed to be a slight difference in mood periodically. Chipmunks would greet their friends with a smile, “Hello Howard,” as they gathered some things out of the dumpster. It would appear that the people living here always seemed depressed; in contrast with the animals who were always frivolous. The animals remained upbeat and positive, but would frequently have to stop and listen to people’s tales of hardship, alcohol abuse, and prostitution. Squirrels stayed cheerful, did not judge, and would occasionally have to play the role of psychiatrist while they were gathering food from the dumpsters.

70. Chicago
"Byblos"  6:23
VII
Chicago, IL

Back in the days when all he could do was bark, Noodles had a fondness for Penny, the girl who came over to dog sit periodically. However, since he was now able to communicate, Penny was no longer needed. The other night, Noodles bumped into Penny walking down the street—it was the first time he had seen her since he developed the ability to speak. They had a nice conversation, but Noodles wished that he been able to spend more time with her. He attempted to walk that same path every night with hopes of seeing Penny again. Unfortunately, the next time he saw her, she was with her boyfriend…and he was an obvious loser. Noodles fantasized that he would be a better mate than that prick. He etched a heart into the ground that read: “Penny Loves Noodles.”

69. Popol Vuh
"Gutes Land"  5:16
Einsjäger & Siebenjäger
München, Germany

As with Lindsey and her cuddly snakes in her bed, many situations that were once frightening took on a different appeal. A pack of wild gigantic rats crawled in through Denise’s kitchen window. She entered wearing only a towel, and the rats playfully scolded her, “Jesus, don’t you ever answer the door?”

“Sorry,” she said with a smile, “I was in the shower.” Denise did not even bother to get dressed and simply sat comfortably in nothing but the towel while the rats gathered around across the floor and spread out the Twister map. Denise spun the dial, “right foot green.” Rats weren’t that great at Twister, but some reason thoroughly enjoyed the game.

68. Stevie Wonder
"They Won't Go When I Go"  5:59
Fulfillingness' First Finale
Detroit, MI

A gigantic tarantula was perched on the back of a wooden chair. Thomas the human being was seated in this chair looking miserable—resting his elbows on the table propping up his chin in his palms; there were some obvious issues. The gigantic tarantula did not move, just remained on the back of the chair, while Thomas complained about all the problems he was facing. Finally, he sat back and sighed, wondering what exactly he was going to do to resolve these issues. Once he sat back, the tarantula lifted one its hairy legs and patted Thomas on the shoulder, encouraging him not to worry, it would all be fine. This tarantula was extremely kind, almost too kind.

67. Hubert Laws
"Come Ye Disconsolate"  5:23
In The Beginning
Houston, TX

Herman had a swarm of hornets in his house. It was a nice, newly built, modern home in the suburbs. He would wake up in the morning and casually emerge from his bedroom directly into the swarm of hornests(the nest was hanging from the drywall ceiling just above the upper corner of his bedroom door). The swarm of hornets would fly by his face as he remained totally calm, and still a bit tired in his pajamas.

“Good morning Steve,” he said to a hornet as he went to the kitchen to make coffee and read the newspaper. There were hornets all over the house, they had covered the window, and were everywhere. Herman sat quietly in the kitchen reading the paper, sipping his coffee, and had a few plants at the table next to him where the hornets could sit. “Look at this;” he said to the hornets at the table, “the Broncos signed Peyton Manning.”

This caused quite a stir with the hornets, who were stunned that Peyton didn't sign with the Dolphins, until Herman’s 14 year old daughter stormed open the door, “can you guys keep it down, people are trying to sleep here.” All of the hornets stopped swarming, grew totally silent, and a couple of them dropped to the floor. Meagan was their biggest fear.

66. Arktis
"Student's Idyll"  4:03
Arktis
Bonn, Germany

Roberto the ugly black scorpion was standing on a table at the bar. Generally, the sight of a scorpion would send people running in fear. Not anymore, as a crowd of people gathered around the scorpion rounding up dollar bills, pitching in money, and then showing the scorpion $20. The scorpion walked across the ledge and over to Christina who standing by the table wearing tight jeans with her back facing them. Roberto rose up and pinched Christina’s ass with his pinchers and took off running.

When Christina turned around, he acted as if he did nothing—even stooped so low to pretend as if he were whistling pretending to look up at the ceiling. She made a few threats towards Roberto and the other guys, called everybody present a loser, and then spit in Roberto’s beer. When she turned back around, they all laughed and gave Roberto the ugly black scorpion the $20. Then, they smoked a joint with him too, for he could easily hold roaches in his pinchers. He continued to drink the beer that Christina had spit in, it made it taste better—she was fucking hot! That was an even better reward than the $20.

65. Count Basie & Oscar Peterson
"Big Stockings"  4:28
Satch and Josh
CB: Red Bank, NJ (1904)-Hollywood, FL (1984)/OP: Montréal, QC, Canada (1925)-Mississauga, ON, Canada (2007)

Morgan was sitting at his desk working on his computer when an eerie looking black raven showed up at the window creepily staring inside at him. When Morgan spotted the raven, he calmly opened the window: “Hey,” said the raven with a kind pleasant speaking voice, “We’re heading over to Wendy’s, do you want us to bring you back anything?” Morgan gave the raven money and wrote down his order; the raven flew back later with the bag in his beak. “Thanks,” and Morgan looked out the window and waved out to another raven he knew.

“Is it cool if I use your restroom real quick?” Morgan raised the window higher allowing the raven in to use the bathroom. The raven stood on the toilet seat, and pooped white droplets into the toilet, then flushed the toilet with his beak. “See ya tonight, man.”

64. Arnaldo Baptista
"Desculpe"  3:12
Loki?
São Paulo, Brazil

Dexter the Great Dane was standing in line at City Market when he was once again faced with his greatest annoyance. “You know who you like?” asked some random person he had never seen before. Please don’t say it, was all he could think to himself. “You look just like Scooby Doo.” Dexter had grown tired of the Scooby Doo comparisons, to the extreme, he hated Scooby Doo. The worst was when random assholes would confront him and attempt to do Scooby Doo impressions, as if that were clever. Sometimes he would follow people home who said he looked like Scooby Doo and shit in their yard. Others, he would insult and claimed they look like actors and actresses most people found revolting. “You look just like Justin Beiber.”

63. Willie Nelson
"Phases and Stages (Theme)/Walkin'"  4:06
Phases and Stages
Austin, TX

The evolution of the possum seemed to occur at a rapid pace since the discovery of glasses. Their perception in society turned a complete 180. For the most part, they were quiet, intellectual creatures spending quality time in libraries assisting college students with their essays. They also befriended the owl as disciples of wisdom, knowledge, and learning. Furthermore, they were great musicians too. Possums could often be seen performing acoustic sets, or acting as Willie Nelson’s backing band.

62. Joe Cocker
"You Are So Beautiful"  2:41
I Can Stand a Little Rain
Sheffield, England

Roscoe the monkey walked down the sidewalk with hearts floating in the air. “You are so beautiful” was uttered at the sign that read “Pick ‘N’ Save.” Roscoe entered, ignoring all the lovely women in his path as the hearts continued to flutter as he made his way to the produce section and swooned over the display of bananas. Bob the centipede provided the piano, as Roscoe sang “You are so beautiful, to me” to the bananas as he placed the most perfect ones in his basket. In another aisle, a cat was singing “you are so beautiful” to a can of tuna. An elephant had heart shaped pupils as he placed a bag of peanuts in his basket. An overweight human woman was singing the song to the cake mixes. A raccoon ignored the grocery store and was shopping for items in the trash can in aisle 6. Another cat sang the song to the cute cashier. A rabbit held up a bag of carrots declaring this was “everything I hoped for,” while a dog read the nutritional facts of Rachel Ray dog food insisting, “you’re everything I need.” A tiger found the sale on steaks so beautiful that she fainted as a heart floated in the air and popped.

61. Cat Stevens
"Oh Very Young"  2:39
Buddha and the Chocolate Box
London, England

The longevity of most animals was significantly shorter than the average human. This was a topic in the back of most people’s minds that few ever wanted to discuss. Suddenly animals that had a lifespan of but a year or two had become best friends. However, looking out in the yard, they all seemed so happy. Perhaps they knew their life was short and sought to make the best of it; perhaps they had no knowledge of this. People pretended to have no knowledge of this, and opted to view time spent loved ones as more valuable than time spent on useless labor.

60. Eagles
"Best Of My Love"  4:35
On the Border
Los Angeles, CA

It dawned on Stewart that Cooper might be 8 years old now, which is fairly old for a cat. Those 3 years in which he had lost all contact went by too fast, and he had wondered if Cooper was even still alive. He reflected on his relationship with Julie and how it all ended so abruptly. They had been together for several years, and what seemed so quickly, she and Cooper were completely removed from his life. A part of him felt guilty for abandoning Cooper for those years that he did; but his and Julie’s tumultuous relationship had been pronounced dead long before he finally left. Now, Cooper lives with her, and Stewart wonders just how many magical moments are left; he could never get back together with Julie.

Meanwhile, in a smoke-filled bar, on a stage underneath red lights behind a chain link fence, a band consisting of a possum, a raccoon, a dog, a goat, and a Gila monster on the pedal steel demonstrated their vocal harmonies as they strummed pleasantly in unison.

59. Gene Clark
"Lady Of The North"  6:10
No Other
Tipton, MO (1944)-Sherman Oaks, CA (1991)

Winter was nearing. Back in the old days, nobody really gave a shit about ducks flying south for the winter. That was those days, this is these days…and these days, people throw going away parties and bid long farewells to their new friends. Mary Lou cried as she hugged the duck she had somewhat considered dating for a curious fling. Had she have remembered that he would be flying south soon, she probably would have slept with him—he had a wonderful personality, made lots of money starring in movies (this alone will win over most women regardless of looks, or species), and was actually slightly more attractive than some of the guys she had dated. The flight south this year was far different than any other, as most kept silent thinking about old friends. And gazing down at the Earth from up above the clouds, numerous other species of animals were also heading south this year…in previous years they were unaware this was an option.

58. Nino Ferrer
"South"  5:01
Nino and Radiah
Genova, Italy (1934)-Montcuq, France (1998)

As the weather cools, many animals simply die without warning or cause. Thomas tried to resist breaking down crying as he kept nudging his tarantula friend on the table who had become motionless and stiff. Barbara wept when she spotted her friend Lee Roy the squirrel lying dead in the woods. A funeral was held for Barney the lion as they lowered him into the Earth beside a grave stone that read, “Barney” alongside the 14 years in which he was alive.

57. T. Rex
"Teenage Dream"  5:48
Zinc Alloy and the Hidden Riders of Tomorrow
London, England

In the days prior to their death, they seemed happy and this was unexpected. Furthermore, it was no longer willing to be tolerated. There were numerous doctors in Cuba who had reportedly cured many ailments. A Socialist leaning health care bill was voted upon and passed with a whopping 96% now that animals had become involved. The embargo act was lifted from Cuba, and possums with perfect vision coupled with Thomas Simpson the inventor and centipedes with 30+ legs to perform surgical procedures…progress was advancing. There were more veterinarians than Wal Mart employees, even though Wal Mart had a vet clinic. Gradually, people worked together, and many animal ailments could be vaccinated or easily cured. Before long, the lifespan of animals increased significantly, and the possums even discovered new revelations in procedures for humans… and they didn’t even make the humans bum change to have the procedures performed. People were back to the life of enjoyment and prosperity again.

56. John Cale
"Ship Of Fools"  4:39
Fear
Garnant, England/New York/California

The group was sitting around the living room playing the new video games which now featured animal friendly remote controls. Pete the cat was playing a boxing game with George the frog. “Man, this frog sucks at everything.” George just sat there saying nothing, looking up at everybody with his big eyes, unsure what he was supposed to do with the video game. “You know what your ass used to sound like? Grrribbit. That’s all you did, was make stupid croaking noises.”

April intervened. “You know what you used to sound like? Meow. Meow.”

Pete laughed and tried to deny it. They looked at Rosco the dog, and he was like “ruff ruff.”

They all made incoherent grunts and groans mixed in with the words “bad” and “no” insinuating that was how April previously sounded.

“What did I sound like?” asked Bob the centipede.

“Actually, you didn’t make any noise at all,” said April.

“Seriously?” Bob was stunned.

“Seriously?” Pete was stunned too. “They made noises; they were like shka shka shka.”

“Really? People couldn’t hear them.”

“Huh? That’s weird.”

55. Curtis Mayfield
"Suffer"  4:04
Sweet Exorcist
Chicago, IL (1942)-Roswell, GA (1999)

Pauline the skunk and Benny the rabbit were in a make-up/break-up relationship. The two obviously loved each other, but there was turmoil based on species. Benny recently walked out on Pauline because he was suffering from feelings of worthlessness because he was a rabbit, and some other skunk visited the neighborhood driving a nice vehicle. He assumed Pauline would like the high rolling skunk better than him and said some harsh words and left. As he was walking away, the skunk drove off with some other hoe—not Pauline. Benny realized that he had made a mistake and once again had to make things up to her.

54. Slade
"Everyday"  3:11
Old New Borrowed and Blue
Wolverhampton, England

Jebi the turtle kissed his/her partner goodbye and the two hugged for a long time and wept. Jebi was going away again and was going to be gone for a long period of time. Finally, the turtle left the house and walked up the street. During the entire walk, all Jebi thought about was his/her partner the entire time, and reminisced on their fondest memories. He/she could not wait to return to him/her. As Jebi walked, it had been days since he/she last saw his partner. A map popped up on the screen with dotted lines indicating Jebi’s travels—two blocks.

53. Robert Wyatt
"Alifib"  6:55
Rock Bottom
Bristol, England

Charlie the hamster was prescribed marijuana, 1.) He lied to the doctor claiming that he needed it (he really only wanted to try it for artistic purposes) and 2.) The doctor seriously thought he needed it because it would calm him down keep him from running around in that damn wheel so much. Both parties were correct in this case. For his next film, Charlie was calmer, but far more “fucked up” than usual. This film frequently flashed a guitar playing raccoon named Bozo playing in the middle of the desert. In this particular desert was an ostrich who frequently stuck his head into holes. Inside all of the holes was some sort of bizarre dreamlike scene that fit the guitar playing. The entire piece was supposed to be a representation of metamorphosis, as interpreted by a hamster on weed.

52. Мелодия
"Лабирин"  9:39
Labyrinth
Moscow, Russia

Just as once upon a time when everything was child-proof, most of the available products became “animal friendly.” With the inventions of several gadgets, animals had the capability to operate remote controls, wheel chairs, record players, and lawn mowers. The advertising agency aired commercials depicting animals using all of these products, such as “Mange Club” for dogs. Most animals could do all of the same things most people could do; although watching a spider juggle was phenomenal. Another marvelous invention was the animal keyboard that enabled animals to type. Once animals were able to freely express their opinions on the internet, and read news from various websites, and endless amount of opportunities arose. Online dating became a popular commodity, as Harvey the elephant hooked up on a one stand with some other elephant in India that he met off Craigslist, she was hoping to be a mail order elephant, but Harvey just wanted a native piece of ass. It set him back $500, but luckily she was willing to work for peanuts…literally.

51. King Crimson
"Starless"  12:19
Red
London, England

Leading psychiatrist Dr. Fibblestein, a possum from Syracuse, NY, was with a patient who had made an appointment. The human guy was lying on the couch, and Dr. Fibblestein was seated in a chair wearing a nice suit jotting notes on a clipboard.

“Anymore, I can’t stand women. All they are is a bunch of money hoarding greedy bitches. That’s all they care about is money. What sucks, most of them have embraced their own stereotype rather than try to correct it. These bitches allow finances to dictate their happiness. Because they spend the shit on useless garbage. Junk. Bullshit to make them look pretty.

And, they’re mean and abusive. All they ever do is hit me or yell or whatever. They think that if they wear skimpy enough outfits that they are allowed to do whatever the hell they want. And they think that since people won’t hit them back, they can just beat the shit out of anybody for no reason.

I’ll be walking down the street. A jogger will run by, a guy says excuse me, and girls just shove you out of the way. One girl pushed me down into some bushes and didn’t even say excuse me. This other chick, I was leaving a bar minding my own business, and the bitch just gets up and lunges me right in the side, fucking almost broke my ribs. She didn’t even say she was sorry.

They’re gross. I cannot even stand looking at them anymore. I try to ignore them, I’ll be at the store, and they just stand right in the middle of aisle, blocking the way, showing off their God damn cleavage and asses, yapping on the phone, right exactly where I need to be. I go to buy some aspirin; this girl’s standing right in front of the aspirin, not even browsing the aspirin, talking on her phone. It’s obvious that I’m trying to be there, I’m like trying to look around her for some Advil, and all she does is stare at me—won’t even move. Then, she purposely blocks the Advil so I can’t get to it.

And I go places where I have to stand in line; they act like I’m not even there—won’t even respect my personal space. They stand too close to me; some of them stand right on top of me as if I’m not even there, then get pissed off and say shitty insults and I was fucking standing there first. And they’re constantly putting their hands on you too—I fucking hate that. They touch you on the shoulder, on the leg, around the waist…some girl I didn’t even know stuck her hand up my shirt while she was asking me some stupid question about something on the menu…then claimed I was too skinny and shoved me down.

And they fucking rub their tits on you all the time too. You’ll just be standing there, and they come up behind you, and brush their titties right on your hand. You don’t see me doing that shit. I don’t go talk to some girl I work with and manage to place my cock right where her hand is. It’s bullshit! They’re worse than gross. They sit cross legged in a restaurant and put their nasty ass feet on the seat. Just because their shoes are cute and match their clothes doesn’t mean the dog shit they just stepped is appealing and belongs on the furniture.

Whenever they touch me, I cringe. Whenever they talk to me, I just want to throw up. Most of them aren’t even sincere. They act like they are being nice, but it’s just a ploy to get more money. Anytime a woman compliments me, I just ignore it and pretend like I didn’t hear it.

Stupid girls in their sexy clothes. That’s the thing. They think the sexier they look the more money they’ll get for it. Shit, some girls even strip, fuck, and give blow jobs just for money. See, they get all dressed up this way and then act like guys don’t have the right to hit on them, or say how good they look. No. That’s proof. They don’t look sexy for sex—they look sexy for money.

That’s why you see all these stupid girls claiming their some kind of victim. Girls, you know, these women reporters, go into men’s locker rooms dressed all risqué and shit, then get all pissed off if any of them take notice of it. However, you don’t see any male reporters entering the showers or the locker rooms of women’s basketball players. Except maybe that coach for the UConn women’s basketball team—he probably fucks all of them. Why the hell doesn’t he go coach a men’s team? It doesn’t seem right that men coach women’s teams yet there are no women coaching men’s teams. I don’t even see why anybody would want to play there. For a woman to sign up to play at UConn for a man coach rather than some other team with a lady coach is basically an admission of inferiority. That or some sick master/servant sex fantasy. That or more fucking money. If I was a girl, I wouldn’t ever play for a team that had a man for a coach.

The timing of sex is all off too, it’s as if they don’t understand what it even means. They get all dolled up and dress like a porn star, showing off their titties, their asses, their toenails and fingernails even look pretty…they get looking all sexy and shit, then don’t want to do anything. Or, you see these women looking all hot and shit, and they’re hanging all over some fat hairy loser who put zero effort into his appearance.

Then when they want to have sex, there’s no getting out of it. They just shove you down on the bed and basically rape you, and force you to do whatever they want. It’s bullshit.

Then after that, you try to be nice and not kiss on the first date, you never hear from her again—she tells everybody you’re gay. Then you try to fuck her, she sprays you with mace and tries to sue you—or says you can’t have none unless you pay her money. Then you get that one who shoves you down on the bed, you fucking can’t rid of her. And as much as they like yapping on that damn phone, it really fucks with your free time. Girlfriends are expensive, and too time consuming...I never want one again.

I hate them. I can’t even stand looking at them anymore. I won’t look at them, I won’t approach them, and if some girl starts talking to me, I fucking walk away or pretend I just received a phone call.”

Dr. Fibblestein jotted some notes and told this male human that he might be a homosexual.

“Nah,” the guy politely answered, “I’m just not attracted to balls. You know, I don’t like men either. They’re gross; I can’t even stand looking at them. They’re all hairy and shit. Then, when they get around women, they’re fucking stupid. These stupid sons of bitches act like they’ve never even seen a woman before. They see a woman at the bar; it’s like a fucking tourist attraction. They’re like ‘oh my God! A woman, I’ve never seen one in my whole life.’

I’m like, mother fucker, just go to the God damn store and they’ll stand right in your fucking way the whole time and run over you with a cart.

They created this mess. They go out, and spend all their damn money on these stupid girls because they’re too God damn ignorant and stupid and too fucking ordinary to formulate an intelligent conversation. Now the girls are as dumb as they are. Fuck ‘em, I’m sick of both of them.”

In order to make some sort of determination, “are you prejudiced against black people?”

“No,” he said calmly, “I mean, I get tired of them bumming cigarettes from me all the time on the streets, but aside from that they are OK. But, a lot of them don’t like me because I’m white. One of them the other day called me a little lipped cracker for no reason.”

“Are you feeling depressed?” asked Dr. Fibblestein.

“No. Maybe. I don’t know.”

“Well,” Dr. Fibblestein assessed, “perhaps we can prescribe you an anti-depressant.”

“No,” he stated adamantly, “I don’t want any prescriptions.”

“Don’t you wish to interact better with your peers in society?”

“No, fuck ‘em. I hate those bastards.”

“What do you want me to do then?” Dr. Fibblestein the well dressed possum asked.

“Doctor,” this guy was dead serious, “I want you turn me into a raccoon.”





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