The Top 25 Songs of 1974

Paradigm Shift + The Best Songs of 1974
Chapter 1: One Wish
Chapter 2: August 22nd, 4:37 PM EST
Chapter 3: Paradigm Shift
Chapter 4: Cooper
Chapter 5: Frightening is the New Animal Friendly
Chapter 6: Wild Animal Instinct
Chapter 7: Midnight Lemur

Chapter VII: Midnight Lemur

Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.

25. Mott The Hoople
"Marionette"  5:05
The Hoople
Hereford, England

The asylum had no such luck with Hershey the lemur. Hershey was as unruly in the asylum as he was in his platoon. Doctors, other species of animals other than lemurs with many of them humans, tried numerous ploys and devices to attempt to make Hershey “normal.” But, Hershey resisted the best he was able. Eventually, Hershey was confined into the maximum security block and received extensive therapy and questionable treatment for his alleged condition. It appeared that Hershey had been defeated, lost, and had no choice but to conform to the standards or ordinary living.

Finally, just before it was too late, Hershey escaped from the asylum… and moved to New York City.

24. John Lennon
"Steel and Glass"  4:38
Walls and Bridges
Liverpool, England (1940)-New York, NY (1980)

Similar to the #1 movie of all time, Midnight Cowboy, brother Yuvid developed the ambition to move to New York City and become a male prostitute just like Joe Buck (played by Jon Voigt). Instead of being a “cowboy” from Texas however, brother Yuvid was a mule who hailed from an Amish community. Just like Joe Buck though, brother Yuvid the Amish mule had little luck as a hustler. He did not adapt well in New York City for his speech included terms such as “thou” and “thee” and various other Amish dialects; the Amish beard did not help matters either. Brother Yuvid ended up homeless living on the street with a friend similar to Rico “Ratso” Rizzo… a lemur named Hershey. The two misfits encountered numerous misadventures and led their lives with countless similarities to the Midnight Cowboy characters.

23. King Crimson
"The Great Deceiver"  4:03
Starless and Bible Black
London, England

The City Swine Market was a café operated entirely by pigs. Their regular clientele was primarily pigs, and a few other large mammals such as elephants, rhinos, and Aunt Helen. Basically, the café was a fucking pig sty—the floor was a muddy mess, patrons ate large portions of food from troths, the bathroom was a disaster (some customers were permitted to simply shit on the floor and eat it), and there was a horrendous fly problem. Besides, the county health inspector (the establishment had the worst sanitary rating in the world), the #1 enemy of the City Swine Market was health and fitness celebrity Richard Simmons. Richard Simmons frequently invaded the City Swine Market, enthusiastic and unwanted, attempting to encourage the fat pigs to clean this shit up, eat less, and get out and exercise. He was successful at getting one of them to go out and exercise—one of the pigs left his seat to throw Richard Simmons out of the establishment onto the sidewalk.

22. Shuggie Otis
"Aht Uh Mi Hed"  4:16
Inspiration Information
Los Angeles, CA

Cooper the cat had moved in with Stewart and took a job as a server. He did have a wonderful personality, great people skills, and was extremely honest. However, most of his customers were people who had no clue how to order in a restaurant, asked recommendations, and acted as if they had never been out of the house. The restaurant did serve exotic gourmet dishes, and most people could not identify them. They would ask Cooper the cat his opinion on these elegant plates, and, he answered them honestly. For the most part, Cooper did not like any of the offerings on the menu. Whenever a customer requested that Cooper select for them his favorite meal, he opened up a can of 9 Lives and served that rather than any of the $47 plates in which the restaurant had become famous.

21. Frank Zappa
"Stinkfoot"  6:38
Baltimore, MD (1940)-Los Angeles, CA (1993)

After listening to one of Frank Zappa’s best song extensively, Gilbert the python assessed the disease known as “bromadrosis” as a punishment, rather than a condition, for wearing boots made out snake skin. Gilbert toured the country discussing this issue and soon wearing boots made from snake skin was regarded as more dangerous than another popular mythological health threat—second hand cigarette smoke.

Presenting… in a story about talking animals, a song featuring a talking dog. Starring, Frank Zappa on lead guitar as himself, Fido the dog as himself, and various other animals as the backing band. (3:53) As a popular stage commodity, the ghost of Frank Zappa and an actual dog would act out the section of the song from 3:53-5:09; it became famous in school plays and even on Broadway. Like many people often reference movies and songs in everyday life, dogs at the bar would ask each other, “What is your conceptual continuity?”

20. Neil Young
"Motion Pictures"  6:23
On the Beach
Toronto, ON, Canada

Jebi the turtle finally grew weary of celebrity life. One day, he/she finally decided that the tabloid magazines were ridiculous and there was no longer any desire to be like the celebrities on TV and movies. This crap was completely pointless, and Jebi declared that he/she would never be like one of them. The turtle went home to whatever gender that thing was he/she was supposedly married to and elected to move away to a stream in Asheville, NC. Although the trip took several months, they were the happiest turtles on Earth in Asheville…nobody ever questioned their gender (a major part of this is because most people were uncertain whether or not a large percentage of Asheville residents were males, females, both, or neither).

19. Blue Magic
"Spell"  4:22
Blue Magic
Philadelphia, PA

One day out of the blue, Cooper missed Audrey. He still loved Stewart and the two were getting along great. The job was adequate, although he was written up for serving cans of 9 Lives to prudent food snobs. But, there was something magical about Audrey and he longed to be with her again. Cooper discussed the situation with Stewart and declared that they needed to work something out once and for all. Stewart offered to allow Audrey to move in also, but technically, Audrey was Julie’s cat. Then, Cooper suggested that Cooper move back in with Julie. However, Stewart and Julie hated each other. But, Stewart wasn’t doing anything in particular here, and moved with Cooper. Stewart resided on one side of town, Julie the other, and Cooper and Audrey got their own in place in the middle of both of them. All ended perfectly.

18. Van Morrison
"Fair Play"  6:18
Veedon Fleece
Belfast, Northern Ireland

Cletis hated his job as a police horse. Well before the miracle, Cletis was completely miserable. His life consisted of standing outside in a downtown area with a police officer sitting on top of him doing absolutely nothing. He hated walking on the concrete, he hated the police, and he hated the imbeciles hanging out downtown. After the wish was granted, he was still miserable, but opted to remain on the police force just because his partners wished to establish a relationship with him. Finally, he walked from the miserable life forever. Cletis left the police force and went on to make award winning films—epic westerns with no people in them, strictly horses.

17. Lucio Battisti
"Abbracciala, Abbracciali, Abbracciati"  7:04
Anima Latina
Poggio Bustone, Italy (1943)-Milano, Italy (1998)

Brother Yuvid the Amish mule and Hershey the lemur were not having much luck in New York City. However, the two kept trudging along, surviving, making the best of what they had. They spent a significant portion of their days just walking the streets of New York City in search of a score. Hershey became his manager, but was having a difficult time adjusting to New York City climate, which is much colder than Madagascar, and ended up stricken with a fever. Fortunately, Brother Yuvid scored and they were able to get Hershey to the vet and proper medication.

In order to earn the money, Brother Yuvid went down a back alley with another mule—it was his first score. However, once he became too involved with the whole fiasco, Brother Yuvid realized his mule client was not really the female mule he was pretending to be. It was Brother Yuvid’s first homosexual mule experience, and he had regrets about leaving the Amish farm.

16. Lou Bond
"Let Me Into Your Life"  6:19
Lou Bond
Chicago, IL/Memphis, TN

The band took to the stage as Sergio the rooster sang lead vocals into a microphone under the red lights. As the band played, images flashed back to Sergio’s house where Lauryn was now his guest. Although their first date ended with Lauryn vomiting all over his bathroom, Sergio the rooster felt some sort of a connection with the white girl. Unfortunately, because she is apparently allergic to chicken feed, she has not returned any of his calls. Sergio could not rationalize that it was the chicken feed and assumed that she was still bitter about the white boy saying harsh things to her on the bus. He remained persistent and attempted to text message her every day. On stage, Sergio and the band awed the audience as they stood there mesmerized by the song and Sergio’s passionate croon.

15. Captain Beefheart
"Bluejeans & Moonbeams"  5:02
Bluejeans & Moonbeams
Glendale, CA (1941)-Arcata, CA (2010)

The barn animal’s serenity scene became more surreal. All of the animals fixed up the barn and painted it that picturesque gorgeous red. They also removed the barbed wire fences, coops, and other dividers. The green grassy hilly property extended all the back to a calm flowing stream where the turtles and other friends held gatherings. Each of the animals depicted in this photo were happier in a calm setting where they were free to behave as they wished, and were often accompanied by squirrels, raccoons, llamas, rabbits, and other exotic animals. Today is big event for Curly the kangaroo and Victor Cline the koala bear made the trip from Australia. Things could not have been more perfect.

14. The Residents
"Seasoned Greetings"  5:07
Meet The Residents
Shreveport, LA

Cosmo the terrier woke and called out to see anybody was home. There was no answer, and he looked all around the house to make certain he was alone. Once he found he had the house to himself, he inspired to partake in his most guilty pleasure. No, not masturbation; when Cosmo was alone, he liked to revert back to the old game of chasing his tail. However, he forgot to close the windows. His good friend Carlos the squirrel was on his way to visit and spotted the dubious sight of Cosmo chasing his tail from the window. Like good friends do, Carlos dashed through the trees and gathered all of the rest of the neighborhood squirrels to race over to the window to see Cosmo chasing his tail. Because squirrels have to ability to swiftly maneuver through tree branches like Cirque De Soleil acrobats, the entire neighborhood was watching within minutes. If that wasn’t bad enough, the residents of the household entered and busted Cosmo chasing his tail.

They all took it with good humor, laughed, and wished each other Merry Christmas as they handed out the gifts. Then, they noticed all of the squirrels watching in the trees, stood and waved for a moment, then opened the window and let them all in with smiles. Merry Christmas to everybody, and the squirrels were given cookies and presents as well. However, it wasn’t Christmas. It was the middle of May. This was very freaky and maybe a cause for concern.

13. Kalacakra
"Naerby Shiras"  9:21
Crawling to Lhasa
Duisburg, Germany

There are numerous species of animals living in caves that had never been discovered. With the usage of bats who enter in and out of some caves and now have the ability to communicate with these rare species of bizarre creepy looking animals, two species that had never been seen before agreed to perform for one night at The House of Reptiles.

It was a packed house. The crowd was not only the regulars from The House of Reptiles, but an array of scientists and other biologists gathered in the front of the stage simply to witness a rare species. Obviously, the biologists and zoologists were not accustomed to the music setting at The House of Reptiles, and even the regulars were in for a surprise. The sold-out performance was standing room only, no seats, and The House of Reptiles stage venue was relatively small. In all, roughly 500 human people stood alongside 500 different other “people” (animals are people too now) standing on the floor in front of the stage…drinking beer and whatnot.

The lights dimmed for the band to begin their set, and there was a huge applause. Once the lights dimmed, everyone present moved towards the front of the stage, and the first 10 rows were packed so tightly that people were literally squished against each other. A great band knows to allow a few moments for people to get acquainted with their newly smashed environment, position their arms to be as comfortable as possible…personal space for these types of shows equals zero—a few centimeters if you are lucky. Your legs belong close together, and your arms scrunched directly in front of your torso. Some animals such as centipedes were perched on people’s shoulders and some snakes had wrapped around the banister beams. The first moments when the band begins in this setting is one of life’s greatest thrills.

When the band walked onto the stage, people were in enough awe at this moment as they took their positions. These guys were quick with this, they picked up their instruments, and the performance was underway. A crappy band, people will back away. A good band, the crowd will continue to cheer. For a great band, which was the case here, the audience remained fully packed in with one another, inching even more to the front as more people make their way towards the stage; and they watch silently, in awe, without talking, without making a single noise, and devoted all attention to the stage performance.

The two species nobody had ever seen before played sounds nobody had ever heard before—one playing weird percussion, the other on a distorted upright bass strummed with a violin bow. A snake played the flute and mysteriously had arms. There were gigantic centipedes, several feet long; crawling along the sides of the stage as an added effect, and one of these centipedes was on the stage playing a distorted violin. Bats hung upside down, flew around the stage, and hung on the weirdly tuned acoustic guitar being strummed by a giant worm looking creature, which strummed with a pick using his bottom legs and slithered around the fret to create unusual chord patterns. The cymbal crashes were so loud, it sounded as if they were trash can lids getting beat with a tire iron (in actuality, it was bats throwing stones across the stage at them or dropping from the rafters into the giant cymbal). Also, there was a video screen behind the stage featuring bizarre surreal and terrifying images of these creepy cave creatures in disturbing elements such as centipedes crawling across the face of a terrified white girl, and snakes wrapped around a political figure’s throat.

All of these elements alone mesmerized the audience, and enthralled them to extreme they had no power but to remain motionless, frozen by the images, captivated by the sheer fascination taking place on the stage. Despite all of this, despite the fact that each of these facets was a star attraction in their own right, the actual star of this show was the blind eyeless white salamander who took center stage and spewed astonishingly creepy, frightening, fear-inducing, venomous inaudible rants into the microphone. Anytime he sang, the crowd was as much trembling with fear as they were enamored with the music. Whatever he did at the 4:32 mark even had the poisonous snakes trembling with fear.

12. George McCrae
"Rock Your Baby"  3:19
Rock Your Baby
West Palm Beach, FL

Birds of Paradise are perhaps the most eccentric creatures on the planet, particularly with their mating habits. Leonard spent the off-season traveling around the world, picking up various gadgets and devices to create the ultimate bachelor pad. When mating season arrived, Leonard was readily prepared. His home in the forest was now equipped with a new age love seat, romantic music, elegant lighting, a dining room table featuring a blue table cloth with smurf decorations, and an assortment of aphrodisiac teas. Perhaps he had overspent, because his mating season was so successful that he is in massive debt for child support payments.

11. Roxy Music
"Casanova"  3:27
Country Life
London, England

Upon hearing that foxes became a representation for beautiful women, Mandi Fox embellished in a lifestyle of glamour and fame. However, as common with other women, Mandi Fox took her role to extreme levels. She had an unhealthy diet that she claimed she needed to keep her figure beautiful and soon was heavily involved with drugs and partying. Mandi Fox then delved into pornography, posing in racy magazines such as Fox, and then doing full on sex scenes sometimes with multiple foxes. The drug habit became too intense as she no longer needed to do the racy scenes for drug money. Eventually, Mandi Fox and her drug habit wound up in the streets of New York City where she was prone engage in forbidden taboo acts in various foxholes in Central Park.

10. Queen
"See What A Fool I've Been"  4:38
London, England

Whicket the parakeet never heeded Allison’s advice as his partying raged out of control as well. One day he came home, after being on a several day drinking binge, Whicket found the window closed. He pecked on the window for Allison to open it up, but she ignored him…Whicket was no longer welcome in the house. “Oh well, fuck her,” Whicket thought as flew off the porch for good. After several hours of indulging in chronic drug use and heavy drinking, the parakeet finally awoke in New York City. He befriended a group of pigeons who were content hurling rocks into windows of various businesses, shitting on the governor’s automobile, and engaging in unruly conduct at the park. Now, it was a group of pigeons and one green parakeet in the middle of them. Whicket did not look much like a pigeon and seemed out of place in this group.

9. Big Star
"Mod Lang"  2:45
Radio City
Memphis, TN

Christina the cardinal was as ugly as the rest of the female cardinals. She had laid eggs with Victor who thought he was hot shit just because he was red. Victor had a way of letting Christina know that she was an inferior product due to the fact that she was not red. In fact, Christina had auditioned to model women’s jewelry on The Home Shopping Network, but they gave the position to Victor—that’s how they met. Eventually, Christina grew tired of Victor’s pretentiousness and grew to even hate the color red. She was still attracted to birds, not necessarily a lesbian, but wanted to fuck a different bird—one that wasn’t red. While perched on the nest, she spotted the green parakeet Whicket fraternizing with pigeons. Whicket was fucked up and obviously needed some serious attention; Christina was sick and tired of Victor’s shit and needed some serious attention as well. She told Victor to go fuck himself, abandoned the nest, and pursued her new true love—a green parakeet with a drug problem named Whicket.

8. Brian Eno
"Some of Them Are Old"  5:12
Here Come the Warm Jets
London, England

Lucy the exotic snow leopard had stumbled into New York City with dreams and aspirations to display her unique elegance. Having never been to the city, she had no clue where to go in order to show off her skills. She met a group of lions who had left the zoo several months ago and possessed some street savvy. They rehearsed what to billed as a truly unique one-of-a-kind dazzling performance down a back side street and assumed nobody was watching; lions sang while she performed with elegance nobody had ever imagined. She was by far the most brilliant visitor the city had ever seen—far more brilliant than any governor poorly ruling his nation currently at war.

Bob the centipede went to the city in search of his good friend Whicket the parakeet, for he was playing piano the very first day he finally left the house. Allison might have abandoned him, but he wanted to reach out to him. He had with him his good friend Charlie the film making hamster, who now resided in New York City. Something caught their eye, and it had caught the attention of a crowd of people. A performance of lions featuring the most elegant snow leopard ever seen. Bob entered the spectacle, with his guitar, and enhanced the whole performance with his stunning guitar mastery as the snow leopard had some sort of an aura that captivated a large crowd down the back side street; the crowd now consisted of Bob the centipede on guitar with Charlie the hamster, Hershey the lemur, Brother Yuvid the Amish Mule, Mandi Fox, Roscoe the superstar monkey and a number of raccoons and cats had gathered as well. Having never met, Christina the cardinal was also looking for Whicket, but stopped once she overheard this unbelievable rehearsal taking place.

7. Gil Scott-Heron & Brian Jackson
"Rivers Of My Fathers"  8:34
Winter in America
GSH: Chicago, IL (1949)-New York, NY (2011)/BJ: New York, NY

Jebi the transsexual turtle was en route to his destination with whatever that thing was it was married to. As they were passing through New York City, they too had overheard the performance. But, Jebi was through with city life and was preparing to take the subway to the airport and fly the rest of the way to Asheville, NC. However, he had never met Roscoe the superstar monkey, nor appeared in any features with him.

Roscoe stopped Jebi and introduced himself. They talked and Jebi spoke of the creeks, the rivers, and proud tradition of his people; he was retiring but delighted to finally meet Roscoe. The rest of the group had temporarily altered the rehearsal, gathering information about when a performance would be held, introducing each other, and of course Charlie being a film maker and Bob being a musician…Bob actually played the piano as Lucy continued to dazzle the audience. She was even a distraction to Jebi & Roscoe who would peer over and catch glimpses. Jebi’s partner had moseyed completely into the audience, and Hershey had placed the young turtles on top of the piano.

6. New York Dolls
"Puss 'N Boots"  3:06
Too Much Too Soon
New York, NY

Whicket was in the park participating in a mischief operation with the pigeons. One group of pigeons were on one side of the track standing by one end of a jump rope that stretched across the jogging track; another group of pigeons waiting on the other side (also containing Whicket). A jogger was coming down the track and the moment she came in proximity, the pigeons tightened the rope and tripped her. This woman was a bit tougher and meaner than they anticipated as she sprang right back to her feet and chased after the pigeons at full speed prepared to unleash the hostility of “or else”.

The pigeons flew away as fast as they could, but this woman was a fast runner and was quickly gaining on them. She was joined by several other fit joggers who had grown tired of the pigeons constantly tormenting them. Soon, a high speed chase was taking place in New York City involving joggers racing after fat slow pigeons. The chase caused quite a ruckus, and escalated to where more people were chasing pigeons, then cats and raccoons got involved in the fury, and before too long it was madness chasing after anything in the streets.

The chase made it all the way to Wall Street and ended abruptly. A protestor from Occupy Wall Street was ducked behind a tree pushing the lever of a detonator. He pushed it down, and all of Wall Street exploded.

5. Judas Priest
"Winter/Deep Freeze/Winter Retreat/Cheater"  9:28
Rocka Rolla
Birmingham, England

The group of pigeons almost flew into Wall Street, then stopped just in time, turned around and landed. The people stopped chasing the pigeons and simply stood beside them watching the blaze, as did the cats and raccoons—suddenly whatever the chase involved was no longer relevant.

Sirens and speeding cars raced in behind them; the police and fire squad. However, emerging from the smoke with megaphones was a large group of protestors, thousands of them, and they also had rhinos, elephants, horses, bulls, and all sorts of animals who did not agree with the tactics of Wall Street for obvious reasons.

The police pushed through the people that included mostly joggers, cats, raccoons, and group of unruly pigeons. The protestors would not allow them to enter any further. A standoff ensued with both sides shouting at each through megaphones until they were face-to-face shouting into the megaphone at each other. Who knows what triggered the first signal, but the fire fighters opened the hose onto the protestors.

Hippopotamus’ enjoy water, and the fire hose was ineffective. This however, triggered some sort of violent interaction and both sides temporarily erupted into a riot. Buildings were burning and the joggers and pigeons fled to be out of the way.

As television crews entered live on the scene, the lead protestor made an announcement into the camera. They challenged the Democrat President: If the American government is going to claim support for other rebellions such as in Egypt, than they would be hypocritical if they attempted to suppress this protest with military action; comparing the President to previous tyrants. They challenged the Republican Voters: If you really care about your precious Wall Street and the dividends of the upper 1%, then come down here and fight for it.

Nobody showed up. The police and fire fighters did nothing but stand in a courtyard and watch the street burn to the ground, and the stockade prevented any means to stop it. They could only watch in dismay the same way Sal and Sons had to watch their pizza restaurant burn in Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing. Wall Street was officially finished, and in its most desperate hour, nobody came to the rescue. The majority had spoken.

Once it was determined that the police, fire fighters, the government, and the rich had basically surrendered, a celebration took place in the streets. Citizens danced and cheered while the street burned to the ground. They threw stones in its direction and looted the building to make certain it would be completely demolished.

4. Sweet
"Fox On The Run"  3:25
Desolation Boulevard
Harefield, England

Even though it was broad daylight outside, there was a riot taking place in the streets. People were battling people, busting windows, exploding buildings. Whicket, along with the cats and raccoons finally strayed from the madness and wound up down the side street, where the Lucy the snow leopard group were crouched behind a dumpster in fear. They were glad to see Whicket. As they were deciding what to do, the raccoons had to remind them all that they were still animals. A pack of raccoons went over to the fence at the end of the block and chewed through it; the lions with their sheer strength finished it off. On the other side of the fence, the entire group came out smiling—all of them. The riot wasn’t taking place here, and this group of perfect strangers would remain friends forever. Something about this short experience together made them all felt as if they were officially free of all constraints.

3. Tom Waits
"The Ghosts Of Saturday Night"  3:14
The Heart of Saturday Night
Pomona, CA

The group asked Charlie the hamster why he wasn’t taking video footage of this extraordinary event taking place on the streets. “I never cared about any of that. All of those, well, they are those. It is my belief that they have never provided anything interesting or anything that significant to grand scheme of the entire world. I feel that we, us, this group, social misfits as they have called us, have always been far more interesting than those. They neglected the absolute values of the world in order to preserve something called monetary assets that hold nothing. They have wrecked our homes, polluted our rivers, stenched our air, contaminated our waters, and for what? An economy structure that very few people actually benefit from. We have been cast aside from the quote mainstream society unquote for an expensive sofa that contributes to air pollution; we work jobs that we hate and give our earnings to a government that only desires one of those sofas in the office. But the regular people, the so-called working class, have a far more interesting history than the business owners and politicians. We now have the ability to write our own history.”

Wall Street crumbled completely to the ground. Protestors dominated the clean-up crew, and when all was said and done, there was no trace whatsoever that the stock market ever existed. The miracle of the genie had officially changed the world.

2. Funkadelic
"Good Thoughts, Bad Thoughts"  12:17
Standing on the Verge of Getting It On
Detroit, MI

Dear God,

I have been guilty of what I consider cruelty to animals. I feel that some of things that I may have done in the past could be considered wrong. Well, I have no doubt; it’s just difficult for me to confess these things. I’m not trying to make up excuses, but once upon a time, I was taught that animals were less important than humans; I was taught that some animals were pests; I was taught that certain living creatures only have certain values—a role to benefit humans.

It pains me to say this, but I have been guilty of throwing rocks at birds. I have stepped on insects just because they are insects. I have killed innocent insects, lightning bugs, for no reason whatsoever—maybe I thought it was fun. There have been times when I had been mean to various animals. I have been mean to cats, to dogs, all this when I was child. I knew somebody that called an exterminator to get rid of a family of raccoons. The exterminator killed the entire family and disposed of the bodies. People are taught to never slam on your brakes for an animal in the road, to simply run it over and kill the squirrel, the rabbit, the dog, whatever, so long as the car is not damaged. I shot a squirrel with a BB gun once, for no reason. People I once called friends hunted animals, wandered out into the woods just to shoot and kill an innocent deer. They fish. I am not trying to justify anything, but a lot of animals fish also—we never established communication nor rendered it even possible. I suppose we had to do that in order to survive.

Then, there were the lab experiments. My own kind tortured, abused, badly wounded, and even killed other animals just to see what would happen. They inflicted certain species with various diseases just see how they would die.

And some people did this for entertainment. I knew people who had attended bullfights, but attempted to accept this and remained friends with them. A live cow was sacrificed and burned for the sake of entertainment in the movie Apocalypse Now. I watched this movie, and actually liked it. I watched Watership Down, but pretended to be unfazed by the next housing development. As I got older, wiser, I grew to despise suburban sprawl, but did nothing to counter it.

Since, whatever miracle just happened, I see friends, friends that I have so much in common with, friends that I love. Sometimes I see a raccoon today, we talk, and I feel guilty knowing that one of my neighbors had once paid money to exterminate one. I see cats and I think of the time that I tossed one down a flight of steps just see if it would land on its feet. Somebody I worked with claimed to have drowned a cat once—it was the cruelest fashion imaginable. They threw the cat into a lake, and kept pushing it back with a stick so that it could not reach shore. It was cold blooded murder. At the time, the story really bothered me and got under my skin. I don’t know. Now, since some of my best friends are cats, I would rather see that person in prison than any person who robbed a bank to pay the white man’s bills.

Then, I have to wonder if this person should be forgiven, because like so many others, simply did not know any better as a child.

Maybe he thought he was being cool, showing off for whatever reason. Some children are taught that man has to conquer the world. Foolishly, I may have believed this at one time, and that too is against my own personal standards. The adults are the ones who really irritate me. Duck hunters. Big game hunters are the worst. I never saw any fascination in that whatsoever. However, I have gone to the zoo. I rode on an elephant once, and I’m positive the elephant was miserable the entire time. I paid money to achieve happiness at the expense of another living creature—I had violated my own #1 commandment…and I even wrongly got into a fight with my dearly beloved little brother while standing in line. That should have been a sign that none of this was morally just in the eyes of anyone…not even I.

I am not asking for forgiveness. I do not wish to have forgiveness and I do not intend to ever forgive myself. These are the things in life that I regret the most, and I cling to this regret as a means to constantly better myself and improve my relations with the rest of the world. That knowing that some of my previous actions were, in all means imaginable, WRONG, feelings of remorse have taught me the valuable lessons needed to understand all others with any differences to myself; feelings of regret prevent me from ever committing these horrendous acts ever again. I only wish more people were able educate themselves through their own anguish.

I cannot change what I have done in the past. However, I can learn from those mistakes alter my decisions in the future. I recognize that I have made poor decisions in my life.

As I have said, it’s not forgiveness that I am seeking. In fact, I am not seeking anything. I wish to apologize. I wish to apologize for my own deplorable actions, and apologize on behalf of my own species in which I happen to be a member. This apology extends to all living things in this universe who I may have, DID, certainly did, any wrong to whatsoever through carelessness, neglect, assuming I was behaving naturally, wrongfully believing obvious deceit, and all things that I did intentionally for reasons I have no ability to justify. I am sorry, I am sorry to the whole world. Amen.

#1! Blue Öyster Cult
"Astronomy"  6:28
Secret Treaties
New York, NY

Back on the island, the genie, Larry Buckingham, and the two birds were lying on their backs gazing up at the stars. They were totally relaxed, hands (wings) propped behind their heads, legs crossed, and lying stretched out in the sand. They were lying quietly, not sleeping, just thinking, when the genie finally spoke. “Well, I guess you guys are pretty cool.”

“Thanks,” said the seagull tilting his head towards the genie.

“How bad do you think we fucked up the world?”

“I don’t know,” Larry admitted, “it’s probably better now. At least I hope so.”

The birds had no idea what they were talking about.

“Let’s get out of here,” said the genie.

“And go where?”

“Up there,” he said as he lazily pulled his arm from the back of his head and pointed to the stars, “any of them. Let’s go to another planet.”

The seagull did not even move, but enthusiastically agreed, “That would be awesome.”

“Since you have my trust now, I have more wishes you know.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” asked the pelican.

“Oh,” said the genie sitting up and talking to the birds, “we never told you guys. Yea, so, I’m like a genie and shit, and I granted this mother fucker one wish. That’s how we’re all able to talk to each other now.”

Larry laughed. The two birds sat up, smiling. “Are you being fucking serious?”

The genie waved his hand, and poof, there was an already lit magical joint. He took a puff and passed it to the seagull. “Holy fucking shit!” announced the seagull as he took a puff of the joint.

“But you can’t tell anybody.”


“And if you don’t tell anybody, and you want to get the fuck off this island, and safely go see what the fuck is up there on that next planet, then I will grant that one wish.”

“OK,” said the seagull excited, “I wish for us to go that pla…”

The genie gently pinched his beak shut so he couldn’t speak. “You have to think about this. Remember, he can’t fly. And, we have to consider the atmosphere, the ability to breathe, the ability to travel swiftly, the ability to survive, and all that shit. When you word the wish, you have to make sure you include all of that. You know the old saying, be careful what you wish for.”

The seagull looked at the pelican and thought for a long while. “OK, I wish for the four of us to be able to fly off this island…”

Towering over the Earth, it was still dark in some places while lights shun brightly in the cities. Yes, the world had changed. Smoke still smoldered from what used to be Wall Street. But, Wall Street never represented Earth. The farms were tranquil, as cats cuddled up and slept beside sheep. Lions and dogs walked proudly down the boulevard. Families and other pets enjoyed video games and all sorts of other new inventions with happy smiles for each other. The raccoons played in packed venues. And for many, it may be as if nothing changed, the eagle perched on top of the high mountain gazing down at the world below.

With all four of them bearing huge jolly smiles, the genie, Larry Buckingham, and their two best friends, a seagull and a pelican, soared higher than all of the mountains. They were way high in the stars, circling, spinning, trying to teach Larry the basics of flying. He seemed to catch on pretty quick. The four best friends joined hands (wings), and in a blurry light, POOF, they were gone forever.

END CREDITS: Judas Priest
"Caviar and Meths"  2:04
Rocka Rolla
Birmingham, England

Written, Directed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal

None of the original songs were ever performed by animals or ever intended to be used in this type of film.
Descriptions in no way shape or form intended to be a truthful reflection or interpretation of the song or the artist in reference.
All characters and themes completely fictitious and any similarities to actual people living or deceased are coincidental.
Band info and images by rateyourmusic.com
Playlists created at 8tracks
Midnight Cowboy reference written by James Leo Herlihy and/or Waldo Salt.
Do the Right Thing written and directed by Spike Lee.
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner written by William Rose
Watership Down written by Richard Adams


Additional track listing:
Flaming Telepaths by Blue Öyster Cult
Who Are The Mystery Girls? by New York Dolls
No You Don't by Sweet
Baby's On Fire by Brian Eno
Try Again by Big Star
Might Just Take Your Life by Deep Purple
Going Blind by Kiss
Hide in Your Shell by Supertramp
A Very Precious Time by Gil Scott-Heron & Brian Jackson
Why Don't You Try by Leonard Cohen
Tonte Olga by Kalacakra
Nobody Loves You (When You're Down and Out) by John Lennon
Gaa by Gaa

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