Part 1: Emily
Part 2: Sonja
Part 3: Jim Donaldson
Part 4: Sex Addiction
Part 5: Sign Language Abuse
Part 6: Jeanelle
Part 7: Very Cold, Very Quickly, For a Very Long Time
Part 8: No Love
Part I: Emily
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
"Fuck Forever" 4:39
Down in Albion
I didn’t really want to fuck her, but I did. I’m not really sure how it happened, I was drunk as fuck. Sometimes when I get drunk, I get stoned too…and when that happens, I never know what the fuck is going on. There’s a lot bullshit in my life that I don’t really care to deal with, so I just get drunk, stoned, and make bad decisions…even worse decisions that I already make when I’m sober. The bad decisions I make when I’m sober cause me to drink more heavily. Most of this shit is not my fault though.
199. Maps & Atlases
"Songs For Ghosts To Haunt To" 4:08
Tree, Swallows, Houses
It’s quite possible that I initiated the whole thing. In fact, it might be a definite, but I do not recall doing any such thing. Something had to have happened. I mean, I did wake up at her house and in her bed. She does not strike me as the type to drag an unconscious person back to her house and take advantage of him. However, she had to have known that I was drunk. But, it appears that I was expected to remember exactly what happened…but I don’t remember shit.
"Bed To The Bills" 4:51
For Hero: For Fool
None of this seems rational. There is no way possible that she is attracted to me, and that fact that I was so heavily intoxicated should have made me less appealing. Instead, she seems happy with the whole thing, laughing, and attempting to be nice to me. Perhaps the one thing that we have in common is that she makes equally bad decisions as I do. Whatever the case, she should regard bringing me to her house to have sex with her as a bad decision, and a terrible mistake that she will conceal as a secret forever.
Cansei de Ser Sexy
São Paulo, Brazil
I wonder what I said to make her want to take me to her house. Did I ask? Did I beg? I wonder if I just followed her home and came inside her house and fell asleep. Shit, I hope I didn’t break into her house. No. I wouldn’t do that. However, something had to have been said in order for this whole ordeal to go down the way it did. And she’s happy about it, and I’m not. Perhaps she was as equally drunk as I was, and that made me seem more attractive than I am. In general, there is no way in hell that I am her ideal candidate for a suitable relationship. Then again, she’s not my type either.
196. The Album Leaf
Into The Blue Again
San Diego, CA
She does have a nice body, I’ll give her that. The diet plan and exercise program worked very well it would appear. But, I have to think that if she listened to better music, it might eliminate that douchy looking face of hers. This girl has no lines on her face. It is totally smooth because the only thing it has ever been exposed to is television sitcoms, girly tabloid magazines, and games on her cell phone. Her smile is constant, she has no edge whatsoever, and I doubt she has suffered too many major dilemmas. The other thing she has obviously been exposed to is the bright white happy home her parents sheltered her in order to provide anything she ever wanted.
195. The Dears
"Fear Made The World Go 'Round" 3:56
Gang Of Losers
Montréal, QC, Canada
At least she is nice, I suppose. It’s not like she is mean or abusive—yet. But, she talks. And talks. And talks. She talks non-stop about senseless bullshit and within minutes I have no clue what the fuck she is even talking about. I don’t ever say anything to her, just a periodic “uh-huh” which should be translated to “damn, bitch, shut the fuck up already.” This might be a hint as to what happened. She might have came up and started talking to me non-stop and I pretended to listen. That is my biggest problem. On the outside, I am too nice. I don’t have the appropriate requirements to tell somebody to stop bothering me, especially when they aren’t doing any real significant harm. Then, I have a hard time saying no.
194. Gnarls Barkley
"Just A Thought" 3:43
That’s the discrepancy that has ruined my whole life. I don’t tell people off when I need to, and I am prone to allow people to take advantage of me. Regular people do not take my money, I do not have any money to take…various other organizations have already taken it all for shit I didn’t even do, didn’t even buy, or for products that never even worked. I owe money to the police for traffic tickets, to the phone company for a cell phone that malfunctioned, money to the cable company for internet service that never worked on my computer, and various other debts for shit I don’t have. The bank takes my money too, I’ll get overcharged for a bill, and then they take a bunch of fees from me. To be honest, I hate all this shit. That’s why I go out and get really fucking high, really fucking drunk, and next thing I know, I shacked up with some straight laced douchy hoe talking non-stop about her friend Meagan that used to have a job somewhere.
193. Cold War Kids
"Red Wine, Success!" 2:37
Robbers & Cowards
Long Beach, CA
What sucks even worse is that we went to go eat at a place in which I frequent on a regular basis. These mother fuckers that work at this restaurant all recognized me. Then, I showed up with her. It was embarrassing, all of my credibility evaporated the moment she ordered her meal. “Can I get…?” That’s one of my biggest pet peeves, ordering anything and beginning it with “Can I get.” That’s the worst fucking way to speak to anybody and only signifies sheer stupidity. Furthermore, she asked the server, my favorite server, a bunch of fucking stupid questions and I’m positive that the waitress spit in her food…probably mine too (even though I don’t mind because this server is kind of hot). And her talking the whole time, loud and obnoxious about ridiculous topics, annoyed all of the other patrons. I can’t even come back here ever again.
192. Erase Errata
"Giant Hans" 2:49
San Francisco, CA
And here I am fucking her again. I’m wearing her out and she’s thinking this is the greatest sex she’s ever had. We’ve been doing it for about an hour. This does not mean that I am a great lover; in fact, it’s the opposite. To be honest with you, I do not even remember how any of this sex act began either…nor have I been paying any attention whatsoever. The whole time we’ve been fucking, I’ve been thinking about excuses how to leave and go somewhere the fuck out of here, or what I’m going to tell my friends when I’m seen out with her. I haven’t thought of an excuse yet, and she supposedly came several times and I didn’t even notice. Shit. This again. How am I going to explain this to my friends?
"Danse Sur La Merde" 3:33
Ideally, I should have just stuck it in and jizzed on her after like five seconds. But, I wasn’t planning on having sex with her and I’m positive that I could not have been aroused when this whole thing began. This time, sober, I know that she kissed me first. We made out, and since we had already had sex, she was quick and aggressive. When my dick entered her pussy for the first time, there is no way that it could have been hard, even with the fact that she has a great body. Prior to this, I was suffering from anxiety attacks from having to listen to her talk about stupid ass bullshit. Then, I’m positive that several times in this hour some odd that we’ve been fucking it neared going limp from having her douchy looking face right in mine biting my lip like a God damn animal. No, I’m a lousy lay. With a woman I like, I’m a premature ejaculator…but with this bitch… Fuck it, I have to concentrate on the task at hand; fantasize about some hot babe I saw on a porn site, then, shit, just like that, we both experience mutual orgasm. Now we’re in love. This is a fucking dream come true.
"Postcards from Italy" 4:18
Santa Fe, NM/New York, NY
Surprisingly, this chick had travelled around the world, which made me even madder because I have not. I have no clue where she acquired the money to do such a thing because she does not have that great of a job; her parents obviously paid for the entire excursion. To make matters worse, she wasted all of it. She had travelled abroad to study for college and did not even experience the true life in those regions and never saw a single concert in all of Europe. Instead, she hung out with Americans doing tourist things and had 879,231 pictures of herself, Meagan, Anna, Hannah, Meagan II, Meagan III, Lindsey, Ashley, Sara, Meagan IV, Allison, and Meagan XVII (supposedly a real bitch) posing in front of various structures with stupid looks on their faces.
"Palo Santo" 3:49
We have not one single thing in common. That being said, I have no clue why she insists on constantly calling me, texting me, and telling me that I have to go over to her house. I never want to, but I do it anyway. Going to her house is torture. I hate all the music she listens to, which is shitty ass top 40 pop music. And, I hate all the shows she watches. I don’t even like TV period, yet she insists on making me watch the most stupid shit imaginable. If the shows aren’t bad enough, I have to go to the movies with her and watch fucking lame ass bullshit while she smiles and chomps on popcorn in my ear.
"Life In The Shade" 5:50
Life In The Shade
New York, NY
She’s told me her whole life story a zillion times and I don’t even remember a single word of it. I recollected something she told me, and she claimed that I had a story mistaken for something that happened to Meagan XII. What the fuck difference does it make? All you bitches are the exact same, and now I’m stuck hanging out with all of you. I had to go to some lame ass bar that played top 40 dance shit with all of her stupid friends and pretend not to be miserable. They were so happy and cheerful that they were enamored with every single detail of this club. Six different Meagans claimed to be happy to meet me, that I was awesome, and soooo great to hang out with. I never even said a word to any of them.
187. The M's
"Future Women" 4:31
The shit that I’m into is significantly different than her interests. I like complex theories with more of an edge than the polished mainstream material that consumes her life. However, she’s never even heard of any of it. Furthermore, she does not even bother listening to the music I like. And the one time that I got to pick the movie, she was totally lost, asked a bunch of stupid questions, and then decided that it was time to make out rather than watch the movie. I don’t want to make out with you, you nasty whore, but I did anyway…never did finish watching that movie.
"Mr. Nichols" 5:47
One time we had sex for 5 hours straight. It’s not because I’m a stud, it’s the opposite. She picked out the music for us to fuck to and it was God awful. The songs on her playlist were excruciating, and she even stooped so low as to sing one of them in my ear while we were fucking. I had to pretend like I didn’t know what was going on and just go to my happy place. Then, I got so consumed in my happy place, that I didn’t even realize that we were having sex for so long. She said some corny line in my ear, stupid shit from one of her girly pop songs, and I wanted to vomit. It was a sign that we were going to be together forever. I wondered where it all went wrong and questioned everything that I had ever done, as I went for a 6 mile walk in which I smoked an entire pack of cigarettes contemplating jumping off a building.
185. The Sleepy Jackson
"Miles Away" 2:36
Anytime she texted me, all I could think of was excuses as to why I never responded. Finally, I went out in the middle of the woods and dropped my phone into a creek thinking that would be the end of her. Unfortunately, she showed up at my house, questioning me as to why I wasn’t responding. When I told that my phone was lost, she simply smiled her cheesy smile and bought me a new a phone on her credit card in which her parents pay the bill. It was a nice phone, the most expensive one they had.
184. The Longcut
A Call And Response
Waking up next to her was insufferable. She was immediately in a good mood the moment she woke up and was overly cheerful for no reason. Look, the sun came up. Big fucking deal, it comes every day. Each day was enamored with the most basic shit too. Oh look, McDonald’s. But, she didn’t eat McDonald’s. She ate fucking expensive shit, and put it all on her credit card that her dad paid for her. Then we would walk around, and I hold to hands with the nasty disgusting bitch, while she talked about how everything was nice…how I was nice. While she was talking about how nice I was to her, and how I was the perfect guy for her, I was rummaging through my head of all the products in my house that might be poisonous and scheduling the perfect time to consume one of them so I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit anymore.
"Be My Baby" 3:41
Kiss Of Death
Throughout all this shit, there is no way possible that she knew me in the slightest least bit. In fact, I would have bet that she didn’t even know my middle name, or my birthday, because I never told her any of this information. However, when I asked her, she not only knew my name, and the exact time I was born, knew where every fucking planet was located at my time of birth, my address, and all sorts of other shit that I had no clue how she found out. To make matters worse, she knew my favorite foods, my favorite a lot of other things, and somehow knew my parents.
"Talk of the Town" 3:23
After she found out about all this shit, she became fascinated with me. However, her fascination was with shit that I didn’t care about. She was fascinated with shit about me that I wasn’t even fascinated about, but completely oblivious to the matters in which I would have shared a fascination. It was so fascinating that I liked pepperoni on my pizza. Why? What the fuck’s the big God damn deal? 71% of the world eats pepperoni on their pizza, even vegetarians. One time, she prepared a meal just for me. I have to admit, it was pretty fucking good too. But, I didn’t want her doing things that I liked. I wanted her to hate me, just like I hate her.
181. The Ladies
"And Them" 3:24
They Mean Us
Sacramento/San Diego, CA
She was constantly trying to do nice things for me and I never wanted her to do any of them. While she was making plans for our future together, I was visualizing more brutal ways to kill myself. I’d be lying in bed and she would start talking to me, cheerfully, enthusiastic to do something I found appalling. She lay beside me, talking, rubbing her hands gently through my hair, and I pictured myself walking down railroad tracks covered in gasoline. Right when the train comes, I light a lighter, and then boom, I explode and there no trace that I ever existed.
Whenever we went out with her friends Meagan IX and Lindsey and Allison, and they talked happily about how cute I was, and pointed shit that I do as if I weren’t even fucking there, like it was so fucking cute, like I’m some sort of a feature attraction for their amusement, it make so irate that I hoped a terrorist attack would occur at the place so I would be put out of my misery. They thought they were complimenting me, but I found it degrading. Oh, you talk so cute, say this, say that…look at the way he walks. Fuck you! I wanted to take a machine gun and shoot all their douchy smiling faces…fucking whores.
179. Secret Machines
"Alone Jealous & Stoned" 6:49
Ten Silver Drops
Dallas, TX/New York, NY
Then I felt bad for thinking mean thoughts while she was trying to be so nice. She even resorted to buying me shit, expensive shit, on her dad’s credit card. They were nice and all, but I didn’t want this shit. Her ass was discussing buying me a new car, fuck that. With her being this overly kind and generous, I felt as if I owed it to her to be nicer than I already was. I was, after all, nice to her in real life; just in my head, I fucking hated her and was trying to figure out a means to tell her.
178. Gregor Samsa
"Young And Old" 7:33
Most of my time was spent devising ways to commit suicide. Or, sneaking off somewhere to smoke marijuana with hopes that this cluck would become more tolerable. It never happened. I just wanted to lie in the middle of the road with a sheet of panel over me so that I couldn’t be seen. The cars would assume they were just running over a sheet of wall paneling, smashing me into the road, squishing me like an unwelcomed rodent, destroying my mind, body, and soul…meaning there was no way possible that I could ever return to this shit hole. While she was squawking next to me on the couch, my mind was filled with dark and disturbing images that contradicted her stupid smile. Some of the shit she said was so stupid that it irritated me so much that it completely fucked up the harmony of my molecular structure, caused intense anxiety, dizziness, headaches, convulsions, being in a bad mood for weeks just thinking about how fucking irritating she is, and the end result saw us having sex for hours in which I was getting no enjoyment and she was faking numerous multiple orgasms. I became positive they were fake, they sounded fake, and I doubted there was any way this bitch ever had an orgasm.
177. Steve Wynn & The Miracle 3
"The Deep End" 7:28
Santa Monica, CA/New York, NY
Once I felt bad for thinking mean thoughts about her, and did something nice for her just because I felt as if I were a genuine prick for hating her, she assumed this took our relationship to a new level. She called Meagan XV or Meagan VI or whichever fucking hoe it was and told her how awesome I was because I did this. They screeched and shrilled, jumped up and down, and next thing I knew the bitch came over. I didn’t want her to come over, and if anything, the only possible good that could have come out of it would have been a threesome. Instead, it was the opposite. She sat next to me on the couch, with her hand on my leg, telling me how great I am, how much this stupid piece of shit bitch loves me, how we are perfect together, she’s happy her best friend finally found a great guy, and that she could tell that I would never cheat on her. All I could think about was pulling a lever on the side of the couch and sending this chipper smiley bitch flying out the window.
176. Scott Walker
"Jolson And Jones" 7:48
Hamilton, OH/London, England
Then she re-decorated her whole house. However, she made it suitable to my liking. Bought sheets in my favorite color, bought my favorite colored toothbrush, and a new dresser on her dad’s credit card for me to put my clothes, this away I could stay over more often. She allotted a section of every room in the house just for me, and even bought some shit for the home that she thought I might like; including a movie I told her was decent (I lied, I hated the fucking movie but only told her that I liked it because she loved it so much that I didn’t want to ruin her enjoyment).
There’s no fucking way she likes me. Period. I have not one decent quality to my name. I don’t have shit in common with her. I’m a total piece of shit, I know this, my family knows this, and everybody knows this except for her and her 216 Meagan friends. By the way, 71 of her friends are now my friends on facebook, and I hate everything they post.
The only thing I can think of was that she had not had sex in ages, possibly years. Like all humans experience at times, the night she met me, she was overwhelmed with sexual desires from not getting laid in so long, that she would have fucked anybody. That anybody just happened to be me because I was drunk and stoned. Whoever she fucked, no matter who it was, she was going to fall in love with, or at least pursue a love affair because that’s what you’re “supposed” to do… right? Sex = love. No. I cannot think of a more WRONG person for her to be with, and constantly see thousands of other dudes she would be happier with. If she listed all three some odd billion guys in the world, and ranked them accordingly based on her personal interests, in all aspects, I should rank about 2,973,116,428th on that list. Not #1, which she is claiming with Ashley and Meagan XI while they laugh about something I said that wasn’t even funny.
At least for tonight, I have a way to get out. It’s my best friend’s birthday, and I am going out with him. She smiled, kissed me, and hoped that I had fun. Her friends commented that she was so lucky to have a guy like me who she could trust. What kind of shit is that? Honestly, I would not cheat on her, simply because I sincerely do not want to crush her—that, and the last thing I desire is some other crazy ass bitch annoying the living crap out of me. However, my friends are a bit crazier than her 19 Meagans; we get a little fucked up and do crazy shit. When I find myself in too complicated of situations, such as a fucked up relationship, a shitty job, too much other shit going on, I engage in self-destructive behavior as a means of curing my ailments. I got drunk, bad drunk, and then started smoking a lot of weed. Eventually, I allowed her to leave my mind. And then, I have no idea what the fuck happened after that. Fuck it. Don’t care. It’s none of my business (even though it is me). What I don’t know won’t kill me.
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