Part 1: Emily
Part 2: Sonja
Part 3: Jim Donaldson
Part 4: Sex Addiction
Part 5: Sign Language Abuse
Part 6: Jeanelle
Part 7: Very Cold, Very Quickly, For a Very Long Time
Part 8: No Love
Part II: Sonja
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
175. Lupe Fiasco
Food & Liquor
I didn’t really want to fuck her, but I did. Maybe I wanted to fuck her, I don’t know; I was drunk and don’t remember. In fact, I’m not even sure what her name is; nor do I recollect how I even got here, or where I’m even at for that matter. Somehow I ended up in her bed, and I have no clue how any of this happened. Fuck, and it dawned on me that I supposedly have a girlfriend, some other chick that I don’t even remember how we ended up together.
174. Junior Boys
So This Is Goodbye
Hamilton, ON, Canada
This chick seems a bit different than Emily. Her body isn’t as nice as Emily’s, but her face is slightly better I suppose. As for her body, it’s not quite as toned as Emily’s, but the shapes are better. The nipples on her slightly droopy titties look better than the unproportioned discolored nipples on Emily’s firm breasts. These titties are bigger, but size doesn’t matter. Her face has more contours, but she isn’t my type either. There is no way that I am her type. She’s sort of plain looking, I wonder what made me decide I wanted to fuck her; or even worse, what drew her to me. If I’m attracting these types of women, I need to alter my whole image.
173. Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Show Your Bones
New York, NY
Sadly, the first thing I thought of was Emily. More than likely, she was looking for me, probably had texted me, and might be wondering where the fuck I am (I’m wondering these same things). I hope we didn’t have any plans. Then again, I don’t remember what happened last night, so for all I know, we broke up. That would be great if we broke up. Worst case scenario, she is on her way to my house. Even worse than that, she knows I am here and is on her way here to kill both of us. As big of a douche as she is, Emily is a fitness junkie, jogs, in great shape, and I’m positive she could kick my ass if she got pissed off bad enough to actually do it. This would constitute as something she might beat the piss out of me over.
172. Dayna Kurtz
"Another Black Feather" 4:19
Another Black Feather
New York, NY
No sooner than I thought about this, my phone buzzed indicating that I had received a text message. Sure enough, it was Emily. Same shit, hi sweetie, I’m going to the gym we should meet up later. Hope you had fun last night. Nothing in that sounded as if she suspected that I just fucked some other girl who I had never met and don’t even know how it happened. And she just woke up, rubbing on my back and shit. At least she’s not as chipper as Emily in the morning.
171. Peter Bjorn And John
"Young Folks" 4:36
I have to figure out a way to get out of here, and I have to think of something to tell Emily. However, before I had a chance to respond to her text, this woman shoved me back down on the bed and climbed on top of me. This might a clue, judging from this aggressive move, it is possible that she raped me. But, she doesn’t seem like the raping type. I had to have said something to her, and once we got back here, I was considered open game…after all, it is her house. I hate it when women play that card.
"When I Look In Your Eyes" 2:44
This was a time when I really need to premature ejaculate. I do not have time to be fucking her right now, and I can’t believe she’s on top of me this early in the morning. However, that seems inevitable at this point. Even though I want to blow my wad in 5 seconds, I have something instilled in me that I have to last at least one minute…pride factor. Cumming in one minute qualifies as a lousy lay, but at least I wouldn’t be considered the worst she ever had. I don’t know if this was a blessing or a curse, but she premature ejaculated and had what appeared to be a legitimate orgasm within a couple minutes; then I had mine and this act of morning sex lasted but 4 minutes. Good enough.
169. Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton
New Delhi, India/Toronto, ON, Canada
She said she loved the way that I could make her cum so quickly. I had no response for that, and contemplated writing a book called “Sex Tips By the Master… How to Make a Girl Cum Quickly!” This would be a less-than one page book that simply read, “Just lay there for 4 minutes and try to figure what you’re going to tell your other girlfriend.” I would take this as a wonderful compliment if I actually did something to induce her orgasm, but I didn’t. She could have dry humped the pillow and had similar results, I just happened to be in the right place at the right time.
168. The Duke Spirit
"Red Weather" 5:16
Cuts Across the Land
After she came, she got up and went to the bathroom. I utilized this moment to try and accomplish two things at the same time, in a very rapid pace. One, I had to text Emily and tell her that I had go somewhere and that I would see her later. Two, I had to find some clues around her bedroom so I would know what this girl’s name was. The smartest thing I should have done would be to quickly get dressed and take off running out the front door. I just didn’t have it in me to do that.
167. The Sword
"Winter's Wolves" 4:37
Age of Winters
This was a nice house, way nicer than my shitty apartment. I wondered whether or not it was hers. If she did in fact own this house, that meant she had a high paying job and is gradually going to discover that I was a loser. I hope I didn’t lie to her and tell her that I was something that I’m not. In general, this isn’t something I do. Regardless, we obviously did not discuss my work or my current status because otherwise I would not have been brought here. Her upstairs was bigger than my whole apartment.
166. The Knife
"Silent Shout" 4:56
We went out for breakfast, and the whole time I was worried that Emily was going to enter the restaurant and catch me here with her. She sat next to me at the bar seating area (although this was not a bar, strictly a restaurant) and wore a low-cut blouse that revealed massive cleavage. It was one of those shirts where you could not help but try and look down it periodically and her big boobs were a distraction. This was obviously how she got me to her house, and while she was sitting next to me, she frequently brushed those boobs up against me as she constantly seemed to be reaching over for something.
"Jogging Gorgeous Summer" 2:47
Return to the Sea
Montréal, QC, Canada
On the other hand, all she talked about was her work. She spoke fast, loud, and passionately about nothing. I have no idea how a person could be this passionate about something that has no significant impact on the grand scheme of things in the universe. It involved some sort of budget analysis for a small company that couldn’t have had very many customers. She went on and on about the reports she had to file, numbers that she plots, and even related some ideas she had for the next meeting…as if I gave a remote flying fuck about any of this shit. I never discussed my work with her, which consists of dressing as Gomer Gopher (a Chuck E. Cheese-like mascot) and waving to a bunch of stupid little kids at a restaurant that serves shitty food. Just think if I went on and on about this sort of shit to her, spoke passionately about some issues I had at work…we should implement new strategies with our mascot heads. Luckily, she talked about her work so much that I figured if I were caught by Emily, I could just say that I was on a job interview.
164. Tokyo Police Club
"If It Works" 2:04
A Lesson In Crime
Newmarket, ON, Canada
I figured out how we hooked up. I got drunk and was nearly passing out. She approached me, talked non-stop about her work, and I was too drunk to add any input, so she assumed I was interested in budget sheets for this fucking company—whatever the fuck it is that they do. More than likely, I kept glancing down her shirt, she got drunk too, caught me checking out her tits, and decided that I was a suitable candidate to take home and fuck. At least this is all I could decipher, because there was no way possible she would have any interest in the fact that I dressed as a mascot for a children’s pizza restaurant. Furthermore, it’s doubtful that I was even able to speak, because she never shut up about this shit.
163. White Rose Movement
"Girls In The Back" 3:32
After we ate, Sonja drove me home. I was not happy about this either because I was worried that Emily would be at my apartment; even though she never comes over to my place. Once we were in front of my place, Sonja reached over and kissed me. She made this first move. However, without any control whatsoever, while we were kissing, my hand accidentally found its way down her shirt. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Her titties were staring right at me the entire time she was talking about her budget strategies, that a second element in my mind controlled my hand. As we were kissing, and I was rubbing her titties, she pulled her blouse down and pulled them out for me to suck on. I did not want her in my apartment, but she was in there, on my bed, and we were fucking again. Fortunately, she’s a fast cummer because all I could think about was Emily barging in and witnessing this debacle. Right after she came, she left. Good.
"Kids Pushing Kids" 6:17
All day, I was nervous around Emily because I cheated on her. Her constant talking about senseless bullshit seemed less annoying because it kept me from having to talk. Furthermore, I didn’t mind hearing about how Meagan III and Allison sang a stupid pop song together and Mandi thought Brad was kind of cute. Who the fuck is Brad? Or Mandi? But, when she was talking about this senseless trite, that meant she wasn’t interrogating me about what I did last night.
Before long, I had completely forgotten about my fling with Sonja. Furthermore, the guilt subsided because Emily was so fucking annoying that I almost blatantly confessed my crime just to shut her the fuck up. Unfortunately, she remained overly cheerful about this senseless bullshit that I did not want to ruin her happiness. Part of me wished that I could be this happy about nothing. I was the complete opposite, I hated my whole life. Nothing bad ever happened to her, and I didn’t wish anything bad to ever happen to her. I felt like a piece of shit for fucking Sonja. But then again, I fucking hated Emily—that stupid smile of hers made me want to vomit—and I felt like a piece of shit for staying with her. I did not want to be in a relationship with her, and felt that I technically did not cheat on her because I never liked her to begin with. Then again, I don’t like Sonja either.
160. Don Caballero
"Palm Trees In The Fecking Bahamas" 3:54
World Class Listening Problem
A few days later, Sonja texted me. “You’re not one of these asshole guys who has sex with a girl and never speaks to her again. I’m not that type of girl and I don’t just do one night stands.” Technically, I am that sort of an asshole. But, based on the wording of the text, I’m not allowed to be. When I responded, I told her that I didn’t want to seem creepy and text her too quickly. She thought that was funny and told me to come over to her house. There was no way out of it because I had ignored her for too long and for whatever reason didn’t want to be considered an asshole. Although I became a bigger asshole and lied to Emily saying I couldn’t stay with her that night because I had a lot of stuff to do around the house.
159. Tapes 'n Tapes
I have a two minute rule. Generally, I can weasel my way out of unwanted sex, but I need two minutes to think of something…if it goes down within the first two minutes I arrive, then, literally, I’m fucked. My plan was to simply go over to Sonja’s and talk, not put on any moves, and then leave awkwardly with barely a kiss or a brief make-out session. However, she violated the two minute rule. She opened the door, led me into her room, shoved me down on the bed, took off our clothes, and within seconds, it was inserted in her pussy and she was on top of me…there was no way out of it.
"Waste Of Space" 3:57
You See Colours
After we were done fucking, we went out on her patio and smoked cigarettes. Once again, just like before, she bummed cigarettes from me. If she makes all this money and I don’t make shit, then I don’t understand why she has to smoke all my cigarettes. She claimed that she didn’t smoke and only smoked in social situations. Emily is hardcore against smoking, yells at me for smoking, and monitors how much I smoke a day. I had just bought this pack of cigarettes and between the two of us, they were almost gone…which meant I was going to have to explain to Emily how the whole pack of cigarettes was gone in less than a day. I was supposed to be quitting. I was supposed to have already quit several times.
157. State of Ohio
"Freyed Knot" 3:08
State of Ohio
Once again, all she talked about was her work. I had sit there and listen to stupid annoying shit about her forms and shit, stupid mother fuckers she worked with who all sounded dull as fuck, all the while she smoked all my cigarettes and rubbed her titties against me. After we fucked, all she wore was a button down shirt, and barely had any of them buttoned. Her titties kept hanging out and she kept them exposed for me to have to look at while she talked about all the shit her company went over at the meeting. She sat on my lap with her bare titties in my face, rubbing my crotch to the extreme of pulling it out and stroking it, while she showed me her Power Point presentation she had made for her budget support group. Nothing like getting a hand job while watching a presentation exploring details on achieving elegant standards for this fiscal period. The pie graph must have made her the most proud, because after she explained how she based all the percentages of those sales figures, she gave me blow job.
156. Horse Stories
"The Wheels" 3:16
Everyone's A Photographer
Melbourne, Australia/Los Angeles, CA
This blow job didn’t make any sense. Emily sucks my dick frequently too, and that doesn’t make any sense either. Emily does it because she thinks she is being sexy and it’s what I want (it kind of fits what I really want because while my dick is in her mouth, she temporarily shuts the fuck up; she tries to talk sexy during intercourse and insists that I say dirty things to her; I have no fucking idea what to say in these situations and I hate it…it prolongs my agony). Sonja just started sucking it for no reason, talking about her presentation. Shortly afterwards, we were having sex again. There is no way I did anything to seem attractive to her. I didn’t even talk. I just sat there, listened to some bullshit about her work, and was pretty much raped after that. What a fucking psycho bitch this is!
155. Van Morrison
"What Am I Living For" 3:57
Pay The Devil
Belfast, Northern Ireland
It was difficult to determine who was more neurotic between Sonja and Emily. It was even more difficult to comprehend how I got involved with either of them, let alone both of them. During our time spent together, all I did was sit there while these fucking hoes talk non-stop about fucking stupid ass SHIT! There’s no way either of them should possibly like me. I smoke, I drink, I get high, I like punk, weirdo movies, my friends are all freaks, I have a shitty diet, I hate the government, the police, all rules and regulations, I hate America, I hate church, I cuss, I laugh at tasteless jokes, and I fucking despise pretty much all mainstream culture. Despite all this, Emily, the exact opposite, remains overly cheerful in my presence and constantly makes plans for us to do things together—shit she likes that she has to know that I hate. Speaking of hate, I hate my fucking job, I make no money, I owe a shit ton in debt, I’m late on my rent every month, I’ve defaulted on my student loans, I have outstanding tickets, and I do not own hardly anything. However, career oriented Sonja who preaches responsibility, ambition, and success can’t keep her pussy off of me. And I can’t understand why. Both of these women should hate me; and I just want them to finally realize this and leave me the fuck alone.
154. Nick Harper
"By My Rocket Comes Fire" 4:42
Instead, it’s the opposite. They both text me at inconvenient times. Both of them make plans and insist I stay at their house constantly. It is becoming increasingly difficult to juggle these two neurotic hoes and all I really want is time to myself. When I’m not with Emily listening to stupid meandering non-sense about the shit she and Meagan IX bought at the mall, I have to forfeit all of my cigarettes to Sonja while she shows me diagrams about strategic development.
153. Big Fat Snake
"No Love at All" 3:20
Between The Devil And The Big Blue Sea
These two women would hate each other, and would despise the other even worse if I confessed everything and claimed I was choosing one over the other. In the eyes of Emily, Sonja would be some overweight bitch… “I cannot believe that he cheated on me with her! She’s fat, like, gross. Oh my God, I’m way prettier than she is. Right Meagan?” Sonja would consider Emily a brainless little rich bitch with no career goals, no ambition, and a spoiled little Daddy’s girl who’s had everything handed to her. I wouldn’t go so far as to call Sonja fat, she’s definitely bigger than Emily though. However, Sonja’s assessment of Emily is 100% accurate.
152. Primal Scream
"Sometimes I Feel So Lonely" 5:21
Riot City Blues
By default, I would have to consider Emily my primary girlfriend, even though I hate both of them equally. Emily came first and I spend significantly more time with Emily than Sonja. Furthermore, I have told Emily that I love her (I really don’t love her, she tells me ‘I love you’ all the time and I simply say it back just to keep from hurting her feelings). Sonja had never told me she loved me and I don’t think she considers us in a relationship. On the other hand, Emily is discussing shit such as us moving in together and how cool it would be if we got married…we haven’t even been together but a couple months. Neither knows of the other. It has been a busy fiscal season and that is coming to an end soon. Sonja informed me that she will have some vacation time soon, and that the two of us will be able to spend a whole week together, possibly even go on a trip. Emily thinks we need to spend more time together too.
"Dead Queen" 8:13
I suffer from dizzy spells and anxiety attacks. Whenever either of them request me to spend more time with them, I have difficulty in breathing and the room starts spinning. Whenever both of them text me at the same time, I get nauseous and my whole body alignment goes out of whack. I experience extreme nervousness, tension, and my hands start trembling with fear. Next thing I know, I find myself smoking more frequently and my last bit of money goes towards a bag of weed.
Something major came up in each of their lives. Both Emily and Sonja had planned a big event, something special, and I had to be there. However, they were scheduled at the exact same time. Honestly, I had no desire to attend either event. Furthermore, there was no way I was going to choose one over the other, because I do not have that in my limited repertoire to make those sorts of decisions. I’m too big of a loser to have a girlfriend, let alone fucking around with two; and I don’t even know how any of this happened to begin with.
Rather than pick one over the other, I told both of them that something major came up and I had bail a friend out of trouble on the other side of town. I apologized and actually went to the other side of town just to get away. I was so stressed out from being with these two clucks and I went to a bar by myself trying to figure out how I was going to break up with both of them. While I was drinking heavily, I was sorting several ideas in my head, but none of them seemed to be logical. Then, I get even more angry and confused that I was in this situation and drank even more. Thinking about sitting with Emily with her talking stressed me out, but picturing her sadness after me confessing that I never loved her and actually despised her made me sick to my stomach. I hated them, and worst of all, I hated myself, and this was making my anxiety even worse. Finally, I snuck out back to smoke some of the weed that I had, coupled with the notion that I was already getting severely drunk.
After that, I don’t remember what happened. I drank and smoked myself into a stupor in order to forget about my less than ideal relationship situation, and had so much success that I was to forget anything else that happened on this night.
|This is Emily Haines; not Sonja from the story|
Top Image by: http://thefunhusband.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/tumblr_lpf6ffqS7R1qdnreio1_500-1.jpg
Bottom Image by: http://www.alexander-langer.de/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/emily_haines.jpg