Part 1: Emily
Part 2: Sonja
Part 3: Jim Donaldson
Part 4: Sex Addiction
Part 5: Sign Language Abuse
Part 6: Jeanelle
Part 7: Very Cold, Very Quickly, For a Very Long Time
Part 8: No Love
Part III: Jim Donaldson
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
150. The Flaming Lips
"Goin' On" 3:40
At War With The Mystics
Oklahoma City, OK
Once again, I woke up in a strange bed with no recollection how I got here. I wasn’t at Emily’s, I wasn’t at Sonja’s, I sure as fuck wasn’t at home, but I was in a bed with an arm wrapped around me. The moment of truth awaited me, and this time I hoped it was somebody good. Without completely getting out of bed, I leaned up and glanced behind me to see what she looked like. Shit, it was somebody I knew. It wasn’t even a she, it was a he, and he was friends with my Dad. I definitely did not want to fuck Jim Donaldson, but apparently I did anyway. Well, I doubt I fucked him. Who knew how this fiasco happened, and I was in yet another predicament. I simply lay back down and tried to think of something.
149. Ghostface Killah
"Clipse Of Doom (Feat. Trife)" 3:09
Staten Island, NY
I didn’t even know that Jim Donaldson was gay. Then again, I’m not gay either. Even if I was gay, I would not be attracted to Jim Donaldson; he’s 20 years older than me and not attractive at all. He’s fat, plain white looking, and I could feel his balls brushing up against me. This was definitely the lowest level I had ever reached, and suddenly Emily and Sonja did not seem that bad. What a stupid mother fucker I am, to allow myself to be taken advantage of in this fashion, and this time by a friend of my own father. Nothing is sacred anymore.
148. The Zutons
Tired of Hangin' Around
This was a little more than I could bear; I wasn’t comfortable in this bed with his balls brushing up against my back side. I knew I better act quickly because if he is anything like Sonja, he is going to expect to get laid again any minute. However, I didn’t want to seem rude either…after all, it was my fault for getting so drunk in the first place. I wonder what sort of stupid lines I fell for to end up having my first homosexual experience with Jim Donaldson? This only secured my reputation as an easy lay. I sat up in the bed and told him that I had to leave to go to work.
147. Clear Static
Los Angeles, CA
Surprisingly, Jim Donaldson was not only understanding, he was less annoying than the other two. He even managed to make some jokes along the way that were actually moderately funny considering the situation. Part of me wished that I could exchange his personality with one of those two other sluts I have to wake up next to on a regular basis. Perhaps I had lost all rights to call anybody a slut. But, he drove me home, bought me breakfast, didn’t try anything funny the whole way home, and I was certain this was but a one night stand. I did confess that I wasn’t gay and never suspected that he was. Poor Jim Donaldson got the wrong impression about me, and assumed that I always was gay because I stayed so skinny. However, he had not come out of the closet, and could not because he worked with some less liberal-minded people. He also filled in the blanks as to how he led me to his house, and it was somewhat humorous. We agreed to never tell another person about this, and I was fine with that.
146. Mojave 3
"You’ve Said It Before" 3:50
Puzzles Like You
I had cheated on two women with Jim Donaldson. Furthermore, I felt as if I cheated on myself because that went against my already low standards. Not only was I not gay, but I had a sexual encounter with an older man that I was not attracted to whatsoever; and thinking about what he did to me grossed me out. He started to give me the details, but I stopped him and filed it under what I don’t know won’t kill me. It all came off in the shower. And after a nice hour long shower, and a prolonged trip to my happy place, it was as if it never happened. Now, let’s just hope he doesn’t show up for any family functions any time soon.
"Warm July" 4:24
Bad decisions often lead to other bad decisions. In order to hastily get the gross feeling of the fact that I slept with Jim Donaldson out of my system, I decided to obtain the services of a prostitute. I was not ready to face Emily, and she was not home anyway…surprisingly she landed a part time job in which she did not have to work… answering the phone at some small company… nobody ever called these mother fuckers (she talked as if she has to do physical labor sometimes). Sonja was obviously working too. The prostitute was obviously working as well, and I was her customer. She was not very pretty at all, but because I was walking, she was the only one I could find. I had to pay the nasty looking bitch $10 to have sex with me.
144. The Mountain Goats
"Half Dead" 3:26
I didn’t really want to fuck her, but I did anyway. She did not have very many teeth, her voice was gravely, and her skin felt gross. In fact, I felt as if she should have been paying me the $10. But, whatever, it was quick, easy, and I assumed that I would never have to speak to her again. It was yet another secret that needed washed away with an hour long shower and a prolonged visit to my happy place. Between the old crackhead prostitute and Jim Donaldson, Emily did not seem quite as annoying. However, I now had more shit that I had to hide from her; more shit that I hide to from Sonja too who was becoming more attached. Just because Emily and Sonja were more attractive than Jim Donaldson and the crackhead (which, admittedly, wasn’t saying much) did not mean that I was suddenly in love with either of them.
143. Dave Alvin
"Here in California" 4:36
West of the West
Downey/Los Angeles, CA
Part of me wished that they would find out about the horrible things that I had done and totally ditch me for good. I often fantasized about Emily getting completely irate and telling me to leave her house and take all my shit with me; Sonja deciding her job was too important and that I wasn’t career oriented enough for her. Unfortunately, I received the opposite. Emily could not wait to see when she got off from work; Sonja couldn't either...I thought about moving far away from here.
142. Joseph Arthur
"You Are Free" 4:16
Akron, OH/New York, NY
I had no choice but to question whether or not I was gay after sleeping with Jim Donaldson. Simply put, I was most grossed out by the whole ordeal because of his age and weight. I wondered what would have happened had I woke up next to a guy that was considered hot. Unfortunately, I do not consider any guys “hot”, “cute” or “sexy.” In fact, the thought of sleeping with another one does not sound appealing at all. I have never given a man a second glance. This will simply be filed as a drunken excursion, just like Emily; just like Sonja…unfortunately I was sober when I fucked the toothless crackhead. But then, things got more complicated. I wondered if my dad knew that Jim Donaldson was gay. I wondered if my dad was gay. I wondered if Jim Donaldson ever fucked my dad. I wondered what my dad would think if he found out that I slept with one of his friends. I wondered if they were actually lovers and Jim cheated on my dad with me. I wondered how long Jim had sexual desires for me, because I had known him a long time. Perhaps I should offer my father a night with Emily or Sonja in exchange to make things even.
141. Bonnie "Prince" Billy
"The Signifying Wolf" 3:45
Emily asked me what I did last night. She even asked me if I had hooked up with another girl. I told her that after I did what I told her I was going to do, I had bumped into an old friend from the family named Jim Donaldson, and that we had a little too much to drink and I spent the night at his house. I proceeded to tell her all about Jim Donaldson, and surprisingly, she recalled my father speaking of him once (I have never introduced Emily to my father, and have never been in the same room with the two). Then, I told her that we slept in the same bed and quite possibly had sex. She laughed and told me that I was disgusting. Technically, I did not lie to Emily. I told her the whole truth, but she just didn’t believe me…therefore, I am not a liar. That’s her fault for not believing me.
140. Donald Fagen
"The Great Pagoda of Funn" 7:39
Morph The Cat
I also confessed my crime about the crackhead to one of my friends at work. He informed that I had no right to complain... “What the fuck do you expect for ten lousy dollars? A good hooker runs about 40-200 depending on the location.” He also told me that I better get checked, but I told him not to worry because I wore a condom and soaked my dick in peroxide for several minutes afterwards. Hank struggles with the fact that I am not interested in either of the two women that I am sleeping with… his motto is “pussy’s pussy…that’s final. Never turn down a good piece of pussy, cuz let me tell ya: There’s two types of pussy in this world…Good pussy and better pussy.”
139. Catfish Haven
"If I Was Right" 4:13
Hank is one of the two midgets that I work with, and the one who’s been employed the longest in our group. The restaurant is not really Chuck E. Cheese, but similar. It is a pizza place called Gomer Gopher’s. Somehow, I was awarded the job of Gomer Gopher. Although I have been in commercials and appeared in magazine advertisements, it is hardly a prestigious position. Furthermore, nobody knows that it is me in the commercials and ads. Even though I am the central theme figure, I make slightly more money than the dishwasher and less money than the servers…and I only make more money than the dishwasher because I’ve been there longer. The cashiers are all 16 year old girls, and they don’t make shit. The managers and all persons in the corporate office make way more than me.
138. The Concretes
Aside from Gomer Gopher, who is, believe it or not, a gopher, there is also Rocky Rabbit played by my friend Rob, Pizza Topping Tony who has a huge smiling Italian chef cartoon looking face (my good friend Eric) and two fucked up looking midget things that nobody knows what they fuck they are (closest comparison would be a knock-off of McDonald’s character Grimace) …not even my good pals Hank and Clyde know what in the fuck they are supposed to be. Of all of us, Clyde the other midget is the only one with some set of morals. The rest of us cuss, drink, smoke, and Hank is the worst one. In fact, Hank is the definition of politically incorrect, shows up for work drunk, and has been reprimanded on numerous occasions for saying the word “fuck” around children. Well, Rob has severe psychological problems from the war, and now has a heroin addiction.
"Auf Wiedersehn" 3:36
Luckily I liked all of my co-workers and could confide in them because my life outside of work sucked (well, work sucked too). However, I never told any of them about Jim Donaldson. They did know all about Emily and Sonja and how much I desired to get rid of them. Aside from my dilemma with two women who I was growing to absolutely despise, I had numerous other issues that were mounting and troubling me. As fucked up as these guys all were, they even claimed that my life was a mess and declared I should do something. Unfortunately, they were prone to give me bad advice, and proceeded to simply make fun of me for not telling them outright that I no longer wanted to be with them.
136. I Heart Hiroshima
"London in Love" 3:01
A Three Letter Word for Candy
As much as I could be myself around my co-workers, I was way outside my comfort level around Emily and Sonja; especially Emily. When I was over at Emily’s house, I had no idea who I even was or how I succumbed to this lifestyle. All of her friends were constantly around and I frequently fantasized about a serial killer entering the party and getting rid of all my troubles with an axe. The shit they talked about and did regularly was the exact opposite of what defined my true persona. I was constantly forced to listen to bad music, stupid movies, and talk about retarded bullshit with her friends who assumed I was one of them. The guys in the group were even more annoying than the girls, and always invited to hang out with them and go do douchy bro shit that I would never do even if somebody paid me.
135. Be Your Own Pet
"Love Your Shotgun" 3:00
Be Your Own Pet
Ideally I could have gotten rid of both of them on the same day, but I decided to do it one at a time. First was Sonja. I had it set in my head that I was going to break it off with Sonja, but do it in a humane manner where she would understand. However, when I went to her house, she immediately violated me and took me straight to her bedroom. The first thing she said was “let me fuck you.” What was I supposed to say? No? “Let me take off your clothes.” I didn’t want her undressing me and I was turned off by the aggression. The thought of me being undressed while she was still clothed disturbed me; I’m not attractive and don’t have a nice body. It’s not like I’m a stripper, instead of being big and muscular, I’m just some scrawny little dork. This made me so mad that I decided after she pinned me down on the bed and climbed on top of me, that I was just going to lie there, completely still, and not do one thing or utter a sound- and attempt to look bored. Not that this was much different than all the rest of times though. However, she went completely wild, rocked the bed into the wall repeatedly, and was excessively loud.
134. TV On The Radio
"Wolf Like Me" 5:08
Return To Cookie Mountain
New York, NY
Despite my attempt to be a lousy lifeless lover, she had an intense orgasm anyway. I fucking hate it when she cums the way she does because it shoots out and gets all over the place. Furthermore, since I wasn’t even doing anything, she had no right to cum on me…basically she was just masturbating with me as her sex toy—and I don’t even vibrate. Whenever her cum gets all over me, I have to wash it off extra long and change my clothes because it sometimes drips on my underwear. This is major inconvenience when I am expected to meet Emily shortly afterwards because I have to go all the way home to change and I’m always afraid that she is going to smell it.
133. The Black Keys
"Meet Me In The City" 3:39
Sonja’s friends annoy the shit out of me. They are all business people, older people, who wear ties and shit to work. Nice fucking tie, do you want to see my Gomer Gopher costume? Furthermore, they all talk to me like I’m a piece of shit because I do not work in the office industry; I’m not a “professional.” All of these stupid fuckheads make way more money than me and they always want to go to places that I can’t afford. When the bill comes, they give me crap because Sonja pays for everything. I overheard one of them refer to me as her hooker; another one called me a loser. They act like I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about in anything. In actuality, the only things they know shit about is their stupid ass budget sheets or anything that pertains to that pathetic company they work for…without those budget sheets, the world would be exactly the same.
132. Golden Smog
"Beautiful Mind" 6:24
Another Fine Day
Stupidly, I gave that prostitute my phone number. I did not think that she was ever going to call me, and to be honest, I was certain that I gave her the wrong number. Whenever I give out the wrong number, I only change one number that away if I ever come into contact with her again it will look like a simple error rather than being malicious. This crackhead must have been stoned on crack because she misinterpreted the wrong number and figured out the right number. What’s worse, she called from somebody else’s phone, and was trying to reach me to get more money.
131. The Minders
It's a Bright Guilty World
Denver, CO/Portland, OR
This fucking hooker has been calling constantly, from a different phone every time. I hear these people in the background, and they all sound like huge black guys from the hood. None of them sound scrawny and none of them sound like Sonja’s friends. I have to ignore all of her phone calls and what’s worse; I have to avoid traveling through this neighborhood, which is right next to mine. I’m always worried that she is going to see me and say something some time when either Emily or Sonja is driving me home.
130. French Kicks
"Basement: D.C." 4:23
New York, NY
I was obviously her only customer. Maybe if she had more teeth she would be able to call other customers. She reminds me of a shitty car salesman who constantly calls and sends e-mails offering assistance with any problems the car consumer may be having. Or, going into a restaurant and there is nobody else in there…like Gomer Gopher’s and I have to stand and wave a one family for hours straight. To be perfect honest, I do not even remember exactly what she looked like, I just remembered that she had teeth missing and was old. I have no clue what color eyes she had.
129. Poly and the Statics
Whenever I was stuck hanging out with either Emily’s friends or Sonja’s friends, this crackhead hooker was the one thing that got me by. She would always call from some random number and I would ignore it. Then, I would spend the rest of the evening imaging how the get-together would fare if I invited her over to associate with these people. I wondered if any of them had ever fucked her and how that ordeal took place. Then, I pictured all of them approaching her and paying her for sex. It seemed as if I was having a good time. Since I was smiling as frequently as Emily, we must have been a great couple. Except, I was stoned, and I even pictured Emily having raunchy lesbian sex with the toothless hooker.
128. The Changes
"Water of the Gods" 2:23
Today Is Tonight
While out walking by myself when the other two were at work, I did see her again. She ran up behind me and asked me a bunch of questions as to why I haven’t been around. Seeing her was grotesque, and I couldn’t believe that I actually fucked this nasty bitch. Unfortunately, I am not rude enough to tell her to fuck off and stop bothering me. She proposed that we fuck again and asked if I had $10. I was simply trying to be nice, and told that I would like to, but that I only had $3 with me. It wasn’t even a lie, because, I work at Gomer Gopher’s, and that’s all I had to my name was three lousy dollars.
127. The Long Winters
Putting the Days to Bed
I didn’t really want to fuck her, but I did. I kind of needed that $3, but I guess she needed it more. Yea, shrug, I fucked her for $3. I felt she should have paid me $3 though and felt I had violated my standards by paying somebody who I should have been charging. At least she had a pussy and some tits. The whole time we were fucking, I was observing her (she thought I was checking her out because she was so sexy) and contemplating who was actually uglier—her or Jim Donaldson. Take money out of the equation, I would so rather fuck this crackhead than Jim Donaldson. The $3 isn’t really that bad of a price, and I’m sure it’s not quite as bad as what I did with Jim for a lousy breakfast and a ride home.
126. Joanna Newsom
"Monkey & Bear" 9:29
Nevada City, CA
It dawned on me that I do not believe that Emily sincerely has orgasms and I think she fakes them. I believe that she truly enjoys sex, gives her a warming sensation akin to taking a nice bath, but I do not think that her vaginal canal is the area that induces orgasm. This is a common trait with many women. I believe that she enjoys the concept of getting fucked for hours because she thinks it makes her appear sexier. That’s what sex is to her, a way to make her appear sexy and flaunt her assets that she exercises so vigorously to keep in shape. She acts like she is doing me a favor too whenever we do it, yet I am never the one who initiates it…you would think she would have gotten the hint.
The act I am most ashamed of: and reminder, I have recently fucked a toothless crackhead and one of my dad’s guy friends… The act I am most ashamed of, I once was swindled into begging to see her titties. You see, she always says shit like “if you’re nice, we can have sex when we get home.” “Or, I’m dressed super sexy, do you want to come over and see how great I look?” That kind of shit. One time, in her bedroom, she kept teasing with her shirt, lifting up to expose her belly, but never her breasts. I found the whole charade annoying and was ready to go outside to smoke a cigarette. She didn’t want me smoking and insisted that I should be sucking on her titties instead.
“You don’t need to smoke,” she said trying to sound sexy, “I think I have something else you can put in your mouth to relieve your stress.” I would rather have had the cigarette. She asked, “wouldn’t you rather play with these (rubbing her still covered titties in my face) than those nasty cigarettes.”
Truthfully, I didn’t give a fuck about those titties. Shit, I had already seen them before. A cigarette sounded much better. However, just being nice, I agreed that I would rather play with her titties. She claimed that I didn’t sound excited enough. So, I pretended to be more excited. She asked me to beg, and like a dumb fucker, I begged. That irritates the shit out of me to this day. That stupid bitch should be begging to see my titties, and I don’t even have any. Between her and that $3 I got screwed out of, I feel like shit.
Despite all this flaunting of her sexuality, and despite the fact that we have fucked for hours straight, I do not believe she has had an orgasm. It is possible that she had one and I did not notice because most of the time we are having sex I am thinking about something else, or just pretending like nothing is going on and just going to my happy place. Those times she asks me to talk dirty to her is almost as bothersome as that time I begged to see her titties. She pretends to be into it, and makes loud groans and sometimes screams loudly… sometimes says shit like, “oh baby, you just made me cum so hard.”
Again, I think she does all of this shit just to appear more sexy. Sonja really does have intense orgasms, and they way she reacts is significantly different than Emily pretending to be a sex Goddess when she’s actually just a fucking douche enjoying a warming sensation similar to taking a nice bath.
I am not going to accuse her of being unable to cum; there are rumors that some women are like this. All I have stated is that she does not cum from penetration into her vagina. She might cum from stimulation of the clitoris. However, every time I have gone down on her, she makes me stop so I have to fuck her instead; uses that lame ass, “I want to feel you inside me” cliché.
Rather than tell her off, which I was planning to do but once again she seemed too frivolous to endure getting dumped on this day, I decided that I was going to test out once and for all whether or not she faked her previous orgasms or not. I believe that she is afraid to have a real orgasm, and that’s why her face, smile, and topics of conversation are so fucking douchy. That’s why she dresses the way she does.
Because I had already stooped so low, begging, fucking toothless hookers, sleeping with my dad’s friend; and since I was already under the assumption that she had been deceiving me, I stooped even lower and begged her to let me go down on that sweet snatch of her. First, I had to apologize for straining a muscle and I couldn’t have sex tonight. This was yet another blatant lie, but it kept her from claiming that we needed to have sex rather than having her clit licked.
Once again, she had been working out at the gym and came home in her workout clothes…tight Capri leggings to show off her ass and a tight sporty spandex top (sports bra, whatever the fuck their called*). When she got home, I cornered her against the wall and for once I was the aggressor. The only way this could backfire would be if she beat the shit out of me, but I was prepared to endure a beating…plus she should be a bit worn out from running on the treadmill—because of that, I doubted she would be able to beat me down for too awful long.
I cornered her up against the wall, we kissed, made out, and I lifted up her sports bra exposing her tits. From the neck down, she did look good, even though she was still listening to douchy music on her earphones. She was still standing, leaning up against the wall. First I kissed her titties, which she seemed to thoroughly enjoy that, and then I leaned down and licked her belly button, then dropped to my knees in front of her. As I was pulling down her tight Capri spandex leggings, this is when I begged her to let me go down on her, claiming it was all I had wanted to do all day because her pussy looked so good. It’s the only thing I think about.
While I was pulling down her panties, her hairy muff staring me in the face (finally! She stopped shaving her bush) I massaged her buttocks and lightly stroked the inside of her thighs. I rubbed her vagina, kissed her pelvis area, lightly rubbed her clit, and then licked it. It was already hot and sweaty from her working out (her sweaty ass coochie still smelled better than the crackhead’s). For 42 consecutive minutes I stayed on my knees licking her clit in every way possible. And, she was genuinely stimulated, finally leaning firmly against the wall, and clutching my hair. I glanced up at her and she finally had her eyes closed, eased back, and enjoying it. But, 42 minutes into, once her leg started shaking, she asked me to stop. However, I did not stop, and I continued lick it more. This time, I did not wait for a response or say cheesy lines to her; I just kept eating her pussy, sucking her clit, until I found the right spot that she seemed to enjoy the most. She was even attempting to push me away, but I was not going anywhere. For the next several minutes, she did not seem as much at ease, and yes, appeared scared. But, it was becoming too late. Her knees kept shaking back and forth as she clutched my hair, staring down at me. I will never understand why she wanted me to stop so much… I never asked her to stop when she was blowing me.
Finally, she was losing control. She was still leaning into the corner. Her knees were rocking back and forth even faster. She was gradually having difficulty maintaining proper breathing, and her breath was getting shorter and deeper. Her pussy was swaying back and forth across my face, and then she no longer had that douchy smile on her face and looked serious. Then she looked angry. Almost demonic. Possessed. She clutched my hair tighter, moaned louder, knees trembled harder, her pussy smashed into my face, she started to scream, she pulled my hair, buried into her crotch, until…
She came. And she came fucking hard. So hard, that she squeezed my head into her crotch and then forcefully shoved me down onto the floor and smeared her cum dripping pussy all over my face until she finally finished. The exact time it took to give her an orgasm was 53 minutes + her orgasm lasted nearly two minutes in which I nearly suffered a broken nose and numerous mouth injuries. Once she finally got off of me and was lying on the floor trying to catch her breath, I knew I was correct all along- she faked all of her previous orgasms. Now, I didn’t feel so bad for faking that I actually liked her.
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