2012/03/23

The Top 150 Songs of 1974

Paradigm Shift + The Best Songs of 1974
Chapter 1: One Wish
Chapter 2: August 22nd, 4:37 PM EST
Chapter 3: Paradigm Shift
Chapter 4: Cooper
Chapter 5: Frightening is the New Animal Friendly
Chapter 6: Wild Animal Instinct
Chapter 7: Midnight Lemur

Chapter II: August 22nd, 4:37 PM EST


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.



150. Commodores
"Machine Gun"  2:41
Machine Gun
Tuskegee, AL

August 22, 4:24 P.M. EST. What a great day! The sun was shining everywhere, and the weather map revealed that conditions were absolutely perfect all across the region. According to astrologers, this was that one rare day where all 12 signs of the zodiac were presented with ideal horoscopes. People made the best of it too. Spirits were high, smiles were abundant, and everybody acted as if they had just received a promotion, a pay increase, and met that special someone. Even cars that had previously been a piece of shit suddenly started running fine…for what appeared to be no reason at all. Glenn Hubert sat on his porch with a smile and waved at everybody who passed by, and they cheerfully smiled and waved back. Thomas Schubert travelled in his car without road rage for a change, and even smiled and waved to lovely woman who pulled out in front of him…she blew at him in a kiss in return.

149. The Guess Who
"Clap For the Wolfman"  4:06
Road Food
Winnipeg, MB, Canada

August 22, 4:27 P.M. EST. A man was playing with his dog at the local park and they were having fun. He threw a Frisbee and the dog jumped into the air and made a magnificent catch. When he returned with the Frisbee, the man patted him on the head and said, “Good catch.” The dog responded, “Thanks, nice throw.” It took a second, but then both of them realized what just happened. The man asked, “Did you just fucking talk?” The dog said out loud, “holy shit! This dude is barking.” A crowd gathered around, all of them in shock that this dog was talking.

148. Ozark Mountain Daredevils
"Jackie Blue"  4:11
It'll Shine When It Shines
Springfield, MO

Another woman called out, “my dog is talking too.” The crowd of people had gathered around one dog, and he was getting nervous, turned around to see the woman’s wiener dog talking ridiculously about a so-called miracle—two kids were swinging on a swing set. Once the crowd diverted their attention to her, she crouched down and growled, except a growling noise did not emerge… “I fucking can’t believe this shit, these people are barking. This is so fucked up.” The boy dog walked over and stood next to the wiener dog as they faced all of the people staring back at each other.

147. Lynyrd Skynyrd
"The Ballad of Curtis Loew"  4:52
Second Helping
Jacksonville, FL

In rural Alabama, a black man sat on the porch playing a guitar for a young 10 year old kid and his beagle. The beagle always had some human characteristics; could make a face and shake his head in unison with the crunchy blues riffs that came from the guitar. Two strangers approached the porch—white people with papers to sign about some laws or financial obligations. Before they made it onto the porch, the beagle who generally barked, asked this time, “What the fuck do you guys want?” One of the collectors fainted and fell down the steps. The other collector attempted to explain to the dog about his business while the black man continued playing the guitar. The dog told him, “Me and Curtis don’t care about none of this shit. Now get the fuck out of here—it’s jam session! While the collector stared dumbfounded at both the scene on the porch and his partner passed out in the grass, the beagle joined the 10 year old kid shaking his head to the guitar riffs.

146. Grateful Dead
"Ship Of Fools"  5:39
From The Mars Hotel
San Francisco, CA

Marty the cat stood in the hallway examining the people who occupied the house in which he lived. Seated on the couch was an attractive female, her not attractive whatsoever boyfriend, and two kids. “Look at them sorry ass sacks of shit,” the cat said unknowingly out loud. “That fat piece of shit is a fucking disgrace to the whole community. I don’t understand what she sees in him. He’s fat, he’s bald, and the mother fucker stinks too. Dumb son of a bitch can’t pet a cat, that stupid fucking asshole—shaking my head and shit—fuck him. And those God damn kids are fucking useless. It’s revolting just looking at them. Just seeing these pricks makes me want to go vomit in the closet somewhere. I don’t even want…”

The family had been staring at the cat the entire time. Finally, the man got up and stormed after the cat, “what did you say?” Marty panicked when he understood the man perfectly clear; he dashed away and hid in a place where the fat guy couldn’t reach him. “It’s ok,” the fat guy tried to assure him, “were you seriously just talking?” The cat informed him that he didn’t think he could hear him and was just as shocked that he was talking now too. He went back into the other room where all of the other members of the couch were now standing watching the situation unfold, “well, I’m not surprised that he doesn’t like me…it’s…he’s talking. Did you hear it?” They had all heard the miracle.

145. Hatfield and the North
"Calyx"  2:45
Hatfield and the North
Canterbury, England

A flock of pigeons were wobbling around the park, gathering that shit they eat off of the ground, when all of a sudden every one of them froze silently in their footsteps. They stood motionless, gazing in awe at all of the people walking by… talking, because now they mysteriously understand every word they said.

A squirrel entered the picture and joined them, “this is crazy.”

The pigeons stared at the squirrel. A pedestrian walked by and laughed, “It sounded like that squirrel said something.” The pigeons were now shocked that the squirrel could talk too, and interrogated the little cock sucker about how suddenly he was able to speak.

Another group of humans gathered around the people seated at the park bench, stunned. The older man displayed symptoms of heart failure and difficulty in breathing, just listening to a group of pigeons catechize a squirrel (the white girl's exposed breasts were no longer shocking). A crowd of people made their presence, staring at this debacle in disbelief, “these pigeons are talking. Do you hear that?”

The pigeons heard the people talking, looked at them funny and then flew away in fear. The people were all asking one another about this craziness, “those pigeons were talking. I swear; I heard it.”

The squirrel agreed, “That’s weird, I heard it too,” as the squirrel was equally shocked about both pigeons and people being able to speak.

Then, the people turned to the squirrel, “this squirrel can talk too!” All at once, the entire group fainted, even the squirrel.

144. Barry White
"Can't Get Enough Of Your Love Babe"  4:30
Can't Get Enough
Galveston, TX (1944)-Los Angeles, CA (2003)

Ten minutes ago, this seemed perfectly fine: Staci was dog sitting the neighbor’s dog, Rex, along with her own dog, Kibbles. The two dogs were off playing, but Kibbles told Rex that they had to go into Staci’s room, “check this out.” She was resting on her bed, all alone, thinking nothing of the two dogs, and she lie back on her bed. Kibbles and Rex jumped up on the bed with her and rested at the foot of the bed. Staci was wearing a pair of short denim shorts and a skimpy T-shirt. Like so many other people do when they are alone, Staci put herself at ease, unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans, then raised up her shirt exposing her belly button. The two dogs watched inconspicuously as Staci gradually lifted up her shirt exposing her breasts. Kibbles was in love and told Rex that he was the luckiest dog in the world. “Dude,” Rex agreed, “she has way finer tits than Kathy. Kathy’s titties are all droopy and shit…and Lester sucks on them, it’s so fucking gross. Does Staci ever let you lick them?”

Staci jumped up off the bed and pulled her shirt back over her breasts. “What did you just say?”

They both looked at her dumbfounded, “we didn’t say anything.”

“Bad!” Staci scolded them.

The dogs looked at each other, and then looked at her, “how did she know what we were talking about?”

“What the fuck? You two dogs can talk?”

They looked at her shocked that she was able to understand them. “When did this happen? We always talk to each other. It’s none of your business.” “You two perverts. Go lay down.”

“At least we said you had nice boobs.”

143. Elton John
"Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me"  5:38
Caribou
London, England

Bob the centipede was strolling through a house, unsure of how he even ended up in this strange universe in the first place. There was a person sitting on the couch and Bob spotted him and froze, “great, one of these fuckers.”

The person sitting on the couch heard him and looked over at Bob. “Gross! Look at that fucking gross ass thing.”

“Fuck you!” retorted Bob, “you’re fucking gross.”

“What the fuck?” said the guy on the couch as he rolled up the newspaper and charged towards Bob.

Bob took off running and dashed underneath the stove. “What the hell’s wrong with you mother fuckers?” he shouted as he made his way under the stove. The guy made several attempts to swat at the bottom of the stove with the newspaper. “Stop! What in the fuck is wrong with you?”

“What the fuck are you doing in my house?”

“Your house? I didn’t know this was anybody’s property. Shit, man, I just wandered in by accident. Just let me the fuck out of here.”

The guy stopped temporarily and peered underneath the stove. “Can you understand what I’m saying?”

Bob looked frightened. “Um, yea, that’s kind of weird. Can you understand what I’m saying?”

“You can fucking talk too?”

“This is really weirding me out,” Bob told him. “Why are you trying to kill me?”

“Because you’re gross. You’re fucking huge.”

“I’m huge? You’re fucking huge! I’m only an inch or two long, and I’m here underneath this thing. You’re out there with a weapon trying to squish me.”

“That’s because you’re big for a bug. You’re poisonous, you bite, you crawl on shit, you carry diseases, you’re gross, nasty, disgusting, and just seeing you makes skin crawl.”

“That’s what you think?” Bob retorted, “I won’t bite you. Just let me out of here and I’ll never come back.”

Man and centipede were in the negotiation processes when his wife entered the kitchen. “Who are you talking to?”

“A centipede.”

“Have you lost your mind?”

“No. This centipede can talk. His so big and gross that he can talk.”

“Then stomp on it.”

“I can’t. He can talk.”

“You’re crazy.”

Bob emerged from underneath the stove and showed himself to the wife. Upon seeing Bob, she screamed. Then, Bob told her to “calm down, everything was fine.” The frantic wife delved into a state of horror and climbed up on top of chair, screaming, petrified. Bob scurried back underneath the stove, “what the fuck is wrong with her? Seriously, I’m not going to do anything. Just let me out of here.”

142. Gordon Lightfoot
"Sundown"  3:34
Sundown
Toronto, ON, Canada

The negotiations continued. The husband and wife assumed that Bob wanted to eat them, but Bob told them that his diet primarily consisted of bed bugs, dust mites, termites, spiders, mosquitoes, and fleas. After hearing about his diet, the husband declared that he hated all of those things. “Well, that’s what I eat.” The discussion briefly turned to questions about what those things tasted like and how that diet, although beneficial to them, sounded disgusting. April insisted that he needed more vitamin intake and warned him about calories, cholesterol, and all the dangers of gluten allergies. Finally, they let Bob go free, but told him not be creeping around in the kitchen anymore. “It was nice to meet you.”

141. Brownsville Station
"I Get So Excited"  2:56
School Punks
Ann Arbor, MI

All across the world, word had spread that animals were talking. Todd McElroy and Sheila Abrams who worked at the advertising agency left the office to walk outside to witness this marvelous spectacle. The sound of the world was completely different than what it ever had been. There was no longer the sound of birds chirping, they were speaking plain as day now. Although the phenomenon was absolutely shocking, riveting, and many people were downright stunned, the possibilities were endless as to what might happen as this progressed. Every aspect of the world had been affected, from farming to the advertising business. Also, there were literally billions of first reactions to this amazing phenomenon taking place.

140. Joni Mitchell
"Car On A Hill"  3:02
Court And Spark
Fort Macleod, AB, Canada

Jebi the turtle was walking across the street, an event that could potentially take all day to accomplish. Stanley and his 9-year daughter Alicia happened to be driving down this street when they spotted Jebi. He stopped the car and assisted Jebi crossing the road. The moment he lifted Jebi by the sides of the shell, Jebi asked him what in the hell he was doing. Stanley nearly dropped Jebi the moment he heard Jebi speak, and simply informed that he was walking him across the street so that he would not smashed by a car.

“What are you doing in the road anyway?”

“Hell I don’t know,” the turtle answered, “I’m just wandering around aimlessly doing nothing. I don’t even know where I’m at.”

Stanley offered Jebi a ride in his car; Jebi requested a ride to a pond or a stream, “just some place with water.”

Jebi sat in the backseat looking puzzled by this whole ordeal, and Stanley ordered him not to use the bathroom in the car. They conversed for several minutes when Alicia turned around and innocently asked, “Are you a boy or a girl?”

“Nobody’s ever asked me that before.”

139. The Spinners
"I´m Glad You Walked Into My Life"  4:57
Mighty Love
Ferndale, MI

Animals and humans alike found it shocking to be able to communicate with one another. However, animals also found it shocking to be able to communicate with other animals, whereas once upon a time they could not. The Anderson’s had both a dog and cat who were presumably best friends, but had never spoken until the wish was granted. It was a joyful event for the two best friends. Although they had some disagreements in the past, they expressed a mutual fondness for each other. They were happy to have each other, always, even before they could speak to each other, for they had recognized that they were more of a similar species than their human “owners.” This only strengthened their relationship.

138. Edwin Starr
"Seasoun"  3:26
Seasoun
Nashville, TN (1942)-Nottingham, England (2003)

A family was at the zoo looking at the bears, and the father was acting as if he were some sort a bear expert. He was blabbering about some bullshit, the kids didn’t know any better, and the wife questioned in her mind just how much longer she would be able to remain faithful. The kids were talking when suddenly the bear reared his back and stared at the child. It was comical to the parents, who assumed that the bear must have liked this little girl. That is, until the bear called out for the Dominica the female bear and everybody understood exactly what he said. The two bears were staring at the people conversing amongst themselves about how suddenly they were able to understand what these foolish assholes were saying, and Papa Bear was talking about the tourist husband with the camera around his neck as if he were a complete pile of shit, not realizing they could understand everything. By this point, a crowd had gathered at the bear exhibit to witness the talking bears.

“Can you guys really talk?” the little girl asked. When she spoke, Dominica fainted.

The male bear, Arnold, looked confused and then laughed. “Nah, bitch, you must have smoke some of that shit before getting here.” Age 7 is old for a bear, and they assumed this little girl was old enough to be called a bitch and to smoke marijuana—she had never smoked marijuana before, people been calling her “bitch” for years.

“Oh my God, they’re talking,” said basically everyone.

“Then why don’t let us the fuck out of here?”

137. TrettioƄriga Kriget
"Ur Djupen"  3:44
TrettioƄriga Kriget
Saltsjobaden, Sweden

The animals at the zoo conducted a meeting in which Arnold and favorite employee Pauline was in charge. First and foremost, they agreed not to eat each other. Secondly, they agreed not to harm any of the visitors. By doing so, the animals were no longer required to stay in their cages as long as they respected those boundaries. They could continue to call the zoo home, the time in which the zoo was open was considered their job, and after the zoo was closed, they were free to do as they pleased—although people were reluctant because nobody knew exactly what to make of all this yet. With a park full of visitors, the animals were free to walk around the zoo and converse freely with the people. It was a learning period and both parties were equally curious about one another. A tiger asked where an exhibit was where they could see people…Elaine told the tiger to try the mall. Exhibit A: White Girls.

136. Bert & Ernie (Jim Henson & Frank Oz)
"Clink Clank"  3:31
Bert's Blockbusters
JH: Greenville, MS (1936)-New York, NY (1990)/FO: Hereford, England

Baby otters quickly became the most popular celebrities. They had little knowledge about the early struggles of the animal kingdom, and were simply behaving as they naturally do. The little otters were playing a game, giggling, and making funny noises and doing tricks. It wasn’t just people who watched the otters sing and play, other animals had joined in to watch also. The playful little otters became a common ground in which humans and all other animals could share enjoyment.

135. The Rolling Stones
"Till The Next Goodbye"  4:39
It's Only Rock N Roll
London, England

Benny was a street tough city rabbit. He had repeatedly made it back and forth across major streets without getting struck by a car. Somewhere along the lines, he developed sort of a warped fondness for this skunk in the forest named Pauline. She never left the forest, feared people, and rarely even noticed Benny simply because he was a rabbit. Now that he had the ability to speak to her, Benny attempted to lead Pauline out of the forest claiming he knew all the ropes, the tricks of the trade, and could take care of her in the city. Pauline was freaked out upon hearing Benny speak and sprayed him with her stench. That did not deter Benny though, he was determined to someday accompany Pauline for an excursion to the city, actually enter an establishment such as a coffee shop or movie theater, and possibly even hang out with the residents of the home on Northland Boulevard in which he loitered in their garden.

134. Joe Walsh
"Song For Emma"  4:39
So What
Wichita, KS/Studio City, CA

Leonard, a housecat in Colorado, had not been out of the house since he was brought here as a kitten. He had spent numerous days gazing out the apartment window, and had never seen another cat—or any other vertebrae animal for that matter. Keith was the owner of the home, and after the two discussed matters and he laid out the rules and instructions, Keith decided to take Leonard outside for the first time in years. He was reluctant at first, but the moment when Leonard finally set foot out the door, it was an exhilarating experience. It was the world he had only seen from the window, an alien unknown. When he felt the sunshine, felt the grass, the concrete, and saw everything up close and personal, it was akin to living a miracle. Leonard and Keith walked several miles; Leonard was still a bit timid with the world, and Keith advised him all the essentials to ensure his safety. With all the other animals speaking, it was sort of an alien world for Leonard too.

133. Terry Jacks
"Seasons in the Sun"  3:26
Seasons in the Sun
Winnipeg, MB, Canada

Freda the mangy mutt from Knoxville, TN was scheduled to be put to sleep on August, 22nd. People had assumed she was suffering and it would be for the best to put her out of her misery. How little people know. Once she was able to speak, and discuss some of her health issues with the vet, it turned out that she wasn’t as bad off as people once believed. She was happy, and the weather was nice…a couple aches and pains never hurt anybody. Because she was now able to speak, maybe she could work with the doctors regularly. Besides, she still smelled better than great grandmama. Freda the mangy mutt from Knoxville, TN was not put to sleep on August, 22nd. The vets, the family, and Freda sang happily as she was released from the clinic.

132. The Hollies
"The Air That I Breathe"  4:01
Hollies
Manchester, England

That evening, everybody lingered outside and embodied the new experience that changed the world. People walked around greeting random rabbits, cats, squirrels, birds, and other animals out in the street. It was a great period to make acquaintances. Everywhere you looked, people in groups were talking to flocks of birds, the neighbor talking over the fence to the dog, families retreating to the park to discuss various interests of ducks, and all the animals from the zoo who were let out to walk freely in the streets (with the guidance of Heather and Ashley as the tour guides). Elaine drove Rex & Juanita the tigers to the mall; they enjoyed conversing with the people, did not look good at all in the clothes they tried on at Forever 21, and found the food at Panda Express simply “ok.”

131. Frankie Valli
"My Eyes Adored You"  3:34
My Eyes Adored You (Single)
Newark, NJ/Calabasas, CA

Many pets were unable to firmly grasp the whole concept as to how the whole pet adoption began in the first place. Tim explained to his dog Gretchen how she wound up at his home. Gretchen had been abandoned and taken to an animal shelter in order prevent her from being struck by a vehicle. When Tim saw her as a puppy at the animal shelter, he found her adorable and immediately took her home. He explained to her that he cared for her, paid massive amounts of money for medical shots so she could be healthy, bought her food, and only wanted her to be happy.

130. Barry Manilow
"Mandy"  3:20
Barry Manilow II
Brooklyn, NY/Palm Springs, CA

A woman had rescued an abused cat, brought him home, and took care of him. He was an aloof cat, and like many other cats, disobeyed all commands from humans. The 26 year old girl still loved her cat, even though she had heard all of the rumors that cats more than likely dislike all humans. Once they could communicate, the girl (guess what her name was? Yes, you guessed it, Mandy) prepared herself for the answer and finally asked with a bittersweet smile, “you don’t really like us, do you?”

A piano sounded from out of nowhere. Let’s face, a housecat is getting ready to sing the most tolerable Barry Manilow song to his “owner” while sitting on a coffee table—do we really give a fuck where the piano is coming from? And, it turned out to be one of the sweetest moments in the history of this household (that once featured a double homicide in 1946). The cat sang “Mandy” to Mandy, discussing previous abuse and how Mandy saved him. Throughout the song, memoirs flashed on the television set of Mandy saving the black and white tuxedo cat she had named Rascal, of her feeding him, playing with him, and Rascal sitting on her lap while they happily nuzzled noses. He still needed her, basically assured her he felt a mutual fondness no matter what, and cuddled in her lap while she tearfully scratched him behind the ears as he fell asleep in her lap.

129. Left End
"Spoiled Rotten"  4:16
Spoiled Rotten
Youngstown, OH

Martha had named her dog Squeakles. The other dogs in the neighborhood referred to Squeakles as “hoebag.” Squeakles was often seen parading around town in various clothes that Martha had put on her for walks. Also, Squeakles only dined on the fanciest of dog foods such as Rachel Ray dog food and various leftovers from gourmet dinners. Once all this shit went down, and Squeakles realized that she had the reputation as the neighborhood hoe, she decided on this warm August evening, that she wanted to promenade the city in a different outfit… this is what she selected.

128. Headstone
"I Like It"  7:39
Still Looking
Columbus, OH

Later that evening, Carl went out to his backyard and spotted the raccoons who had created a major burden in his life. There they were again, digging in his garbage, making a mess. “Hey,” he said as he approached them. They froze immediately and then started to run away. Carl ordered them to come back, and even chased after them unarmed…talking to them.

The raccoons were stunned that Carl was able to speak to them. “You can talk? And understand us?” asked Wilkinson, the probable leader of the raccoon pack. The others stopped and watched.

“Yes,” said Carl a bit irate, “that’s old news. What? Have you lazy bastards been asleep all God damn day? Or do you live in a box?”

“We are nocturnal.”

“Uh, I wouldn’t quite call it a box,” said another raccoon, “it’s nice actually. A little nest we built out of shit from other people’s trash cans.”

“Well,” Carl was attempting to be stern but reach an understanding, “why do you gotta be digging in the garbage all the time?”

“Because! That shit you got in there’s fucking good man!”

The other raccoons concurred.

“Why do you have to make such a mess? I mean, look at that.” Carl pointed over to his trash cans at the garbage they had spilled all over the place.

“What’s wrong with that?”

“We don’t want trash all over the damn place!”

“I like quote “trash.” The food’s good. I mean, fuck it dude... just leave it.”

Carl shook his head and slightly smiled, “no. You guys need to get over there and clean that shit up.”

Wilkinson walked towards the trash pile and sniffed for a few seconds, “For real, fuck it. How the fuck are we supposed to clean that shit up? We don’t have any of those bag things. Why do you insist on putting everything in those black bag things anyway? They’re a pain in the ass to open.”

“I have an idea,” suggested Tomlinson, “instead of taking all that shit out to the end of the driveway, just drop it off at our place.”

“Yea,” agreed Wilkinson, “or we could pop by here before you toss it all and we can tell you what we want out of there; because most of that shit in there’s fucking worthless. I don’t even know what the hell you people do with half of that shit. All we want is the food.”

“Another couch cushion would be nice too.”

“You mother fuckers are the ones who took the couch cushion? Somebody was coming to get that couch, but they didn’t take it because one of the cushions was missing!”

“We couldn’t carry the whole couch. And, we were coming back for the other two cushions, but it was gone.”

“Yea, we ain’t as lazy as you thought.”

Carl looked at them dumbfounded for a moment then concluded, “Fuck it, you bastards stay out of my garbage period. Here, come on inside. We’ll order a pizza, you guys can have some real food…we’ll hang out and figure out something.”

“Seriously. Fuck yea man, thanks. That’s cool of you.”

The raccoons and Carl went inside the house. “Just none of you bastards piss or shit on the floor, and stay out of the fucking garbage in the kitchen!”

127. Buffalo
"Kings Cross Ladies"  7:27
Only Want You For Your Body
Sydney, Australia

Much was learned over the next couple days, although it was coupled with some major frustrations. New friends and allies were made, and some, well, just didn’t get along all that great. The two biggest priorities for people were to ensure that the animals did not use the restroom on the floor and understand the proper procedures for crossing the street. Animals were happy to be outside and no longer confined to cages. Also, many animal species were happy speaking to other animal species. In many cases, new best friends weren’t always one animal and a human…sometimes it would involve a deer and a monkey. Communications would gradually improve certainly, and for the most part, the introductory period went about as well as could be expected.

126. Dreamies
"Program Ten"  26:10
Auralgraphic Entertainment
Philadelphia, PA

Thomas Simpson was an inventor. He was somewhat of a mad scientist, although he was hardly mad or deranged. While he had an eccentric personality coupled with the fact that his home was filled with crafty gadgets that he had created, he was friendly.

A farmer, a cat, some random guy named Rueben, a dog, and a raccoon were sitting around the farmer’s living room looking distraught.

“This fucking sucks,” the cat finally said as the scene grew silent.

Edgar entered the house and immediately recognized that something was terribly wrong. “What’s the matter with you guys?”

“Um,” explained the farmer, “it’s the cows. The cows are actually pretty cool.”

“Really fucking cool,” added the cat.

“They’re kinda smart too. I guess. For cows anyway. I was thinking they’d be dumber than damn rocks and was actually hoping they’d be a bunch of fucking pricks. Turns out, almost the opposite.”

“So?” asked Edgar.

“So!” The cat could not believe Edgar just asked such a silly question.

“So,” explained the farmer, “we can’t slaughter them anymore. It’s not ethical.”

“And we can’t be vegetarians,” said the cat, “it’s not our nature. Us housecats are ok maybe, but what about all them mother fuckers from the zoo? How long do you think it will be before they start chasing them down and shit?”

This did present a potential disaster. They presented the issue to the cows, and explained the situation with blunt honesty.

“Look, for years, we’ve been eating you guys.”

“Yea,” added the cat, “you guys taste fucking great!"

“It’s a problem. It’s not our fault, it’s simply…fuck I don’t know, how the world was made I guess.”

“What you guys need to do,” replied one of the cows “is try out some of this grass! This grass is absolutely fucking delicious! It’s so good, that we stand around and eat this shit all day.”

The group looked at the cows and shook their heads. “No,” the cat was being honest, “that shit’s gross. Last time I ate that shit, I ended up at the vet’s office and had to get shots.”

After a personality analysis, it was determined that many cows had the personality characteristics of fat, lazy, hippies with philosophy degrees. Simply put, cows don’t give a fuck about anything. But, they’re comical, have a few fascinating ideas, and apparently they get high off the grass.

Thomas Simpson the inventor had already invented a cloning machine. However, some people felt as if cloning was unethical. Their reasons for this were unexplainable. The same group that conducted the personality analysis on the cows also performed a study on those who think cloning is unethical and found them to be hypocritical in many of their beliefs, and less intellectual than the cows.

Eating cows was now out of the question. The next best option was to eat the people who were against cloning. However, finally, FUCKING FINALLY! The world said, “fuck these people” and meant it. They were against cloning…tough fucking shit and this was not debatable and there adamantly would be no compromising on this.

“Just clone us,” suggested a cow.

“Yea. Just clone us. We don’t give a fuck about any of that fundamentalist bullshit. We’re still alive. Just make a clone, do whatever, and leave us be. Our lives are not affected. We get live out our lives as normal; you guys won’t starve to death. It’s simple. I don’t see what there is to lose.”

Cows were explained the concept of working to contribute to the good of society. However, cows would be exempt from working a 9-5 job. All they had to do was step into Thomas Simpson’s cloning machine and step out. To the cow, this was but a 10 minute procedure with zero side effects, and by the end of the day, would be completely forgotten about.

Thomas Simpson finally was able to get his patent. People were told that if they were against eating clones, then they would have to eat grass…people claiming to be against cloning had little issues with slaughtering livestock, and that defines questionable ethics. The idea of making the slaughter of livestock has never been proposed to be made illegal, unlike cloning—why was that group given so much domain to govern society?

The way it turned out: 93% of the people who ate meat regularly were unaffected. 48% of vegetarians ate the clone burgers because the cows were fine. 5% of the people who ate meat regularly went vegetarian for health concerns from lack of trust of cloning or because they had become friends with other cows. 2% of the world developed a diet consisting entirely of grass…and they became fat as cows.







bottom image gothamist.com top image alaska in pictures

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