Part 1: Emily
Part 2: Sonja
Part 3: Jim Donaldson
Part 4: Sex Addiction
Part 5: Sign Language Abuse
Part 6: Jeanelle
Part 7: Very Cold, Very Quickly, For a Very Long Time
Part 8: No Love
Part IV: Sex Addiction
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
125. Band Of Horses
"The First Song" 3:43
Everything All The Time
Seattle, WA/Asheville, NC
After fulfilling the achievement of a lifetime, Emily became somewhat of an orgasm addict. On the plus side, she no longer viewed sex as a means to appear sexy and I never had to “beg” or was requested to say ridiculous things in order to play along with her lame douchey charade. She did talk a bit less, which was the primary goal. And, sex was no longer claimed to be something special she was doing for me to make me happy. Because, as we all know, I never wanted to have sex with her to begin with, let alone as a reward for doing nice things for her (should have phrased additional punishment for putting up with her bullshit).
124. The Roots
"Game Theory" 4:03
On the negative, sex became more of a requirement than it already was. It was no longer her flaunting around attempting to turn me on, or being flirty, or an attempt to be sexy, she instead became more forceful. Rather than saying things to bait me into having sex with her because I did not have the ability to say no, which in those days I at least somewhat had a choice because I was at least presented with the option to reject her, I now had no choice in the matter. When she wanted it, I had to stop whatever I was doing to satisfy her needs. She would become impatient and abusive should I be in a position where I did not feel like having sex with her, and force herself into my presence by completely disregarding whatever it was I had been doing…those things were never important anyway. Worst of all, unlike Sonja, it required a great deal of work to make Emily cum. Too much work, and whenever she wanted to have an orgasm, which was increasing daily, it put a huge damper on the rest of my day.
123. AIDS Wolf
"The Hat Collectors" 2:38
The Lovvers LP
Montréal, QC, Canada
I must admit, I actually liked her better in the moments just before she was craving sex. At these moments, she actually possessed somewhat of an edge. Her abuse was more tolerable than her sickening kindness. She would sometimes cuss me out for making her wait too long, which was far better than overly cheerful positive attitude bullshit. The downright menacing look she would give me for not initiating the sex in the first place and making her wait was far more appealing than that douchy smile of hers. Unfortunately, after she had an orgasm, some 50+ minutes later, she would return to being that annoying bimbo who I fucking was growing to hate. It’s as if all that hard work was rewarded only with anxiety and torture—no reward.
122. Deadboy & The Elephantmen
"Stop, I'm Already Dead" 2:20
We Are Night Sky
The other thing that sucked was that Sonja was already overly aggressive. And like Emily, as soon as Sonja came, she would immediately start talking about senseless bullshit. The plus for Sonja was that it required no work whatsoever to make her cum. However, at least Emily didn’t smoke all of my cigarettes after dedicating a major portion of my life satisfying her needs. On the other hand, Sonja did pay for a number of other things, such as expensive meals and shit. However, I never had any desire to go to these places. Emily paid for a bunch of shit that I didn’t want too, but that was on her dad’s credit card. I figured it would be before too long that her father found out that she was spending lavishly on me and I would then be required to give him a blow job. In order to keep the men that I have slept with to a minimum, I had planned that if her father ever attempted this, I would just let Jim Donaldson have his way with me again to repay Emily’s dad.
121. Great Lakes
"Diamond Times" 3:03
Most of my time was spent being sexually abused. Sonja was at least somewhat tolerable because she was able to fulfill her pleasures on her own, I simply had to lay there. All she did was push me into the bedroom, shove me on the bed, and do whatever she pleased. She was relatively gentle, just excessively rubbed her body against mine and forced the issue when I wasn’t quite ready. Emily, however, who used to overly nice, is also a fitness junkie. Back in the day, she only worked out in order to have a great looking body. But, once it became apparent that she could also kick my ass, and was having spells where her yearning for orgasm made her less friendly, Emily was jerking me around by the wrist, pushing my shoulders with excessive force until I was on my knees in front of her, and all of the collars on my shirts were getting stretched out due to her abusiveness.
120. Jolie Holland
"Mexican Blue" 6:30
Springtime Can Kill You
Houston, TX/New York, NY
I don’t understand how Emily can go from being excruciatingly cheerful with a douchy smile to being an abusive crazy bitch so fast. Before, she had never hit me, and I never even would have guessed that to be in her repertoire. Hell, she rarely even said cuss words. She was so happy all of the time that I hated her for that. I never could bring myself to break up with her because I was scared that it would ruin her happiness. Now, I am afraid to break up with her because I am scared that she will kick my ass. Furthermore, I’m even more afraid that she is going to find out about Sonja now and that could be disastrous to my physical well-being.
119. Jay Reatard
"Turning Blue" 2:57
Memphis, TN (1980-2010)
The worst thing about Emily is that she jogs several miles each day. I don’t have the option to run from her. The other day I made some smart alleck comment to her and took off running out the door. She caught me relatively easy, within a block or two, and she didn’t even have any shoes on. After she caught me, she dragged me all the way back to her house and I had to explain to Sonja the next day that I had missed the bus and had to make up some story as to why I did not make over to her place.
118. Parts & Labor
"Changing of the Guard" 5:11
New York, NY
What a bullshit lifestyle she led. She barely had to work, and only worked 2-3 days a week not even 20 hours. All she did, she wakes up, eats breakfast, goes jogging, goes to the gym, her dad paid her rent and all of her bills, she comes home, sits on the couch and relaxes while making me suck on her pussy for over an hour, than hangs out with her douchy friends, goes to stupid clubs, and goes shopping every day with her dad’s credit card. Everything is handed to her, and it’s almost the perfect lifestyle. Who wouldn’t want that? She had no problems whatsoever, no reason for concern, and she never was harassed by the police. If my life was like this, then I’d probably listen to cheesy mainstream pop and have a douchy smile too.
117. East River Pipe
"Some Dreams Can Kill You" 5:20
What Are You On?
Suffolk, VA/New Jersey
Then came the miracle, a day I shall always cherish. Right at the time I was suffering from severe anxiety attacks because she told her dad that I needed a car so that we could spend more time together, and she wouldn’t have to come pick me up all the time (I refused to have her father buy me a new car), I went over to house, went inside, and there she was making out with another guy. I could barely contain my excitement, and just wanted to jump for joy and scream “yes! Finally!” This was reasonable grounds to finally break up with her and I took full advantage of it. I simply turned around and walked out the door with no intentions on ever returning. Whatever shit that was mine at her place she could keep.
116. Ambulance LTD
"Arbuckle's Swan Song" 2:52
New York, NY
Sure enough, both of them chased after me. He apologized and insisted that he did not know that she had a boyfriend. It was unsettling being referred to as “her boyfriend” and I told him not to worry, I was not the slightest least bit mad. That was common and actually good of this guy, although he was a douche just like her. They actually made an ideal couple, and I wished the two of them the best.
115. Silversun Pickups
"Little Lover's So Polite" 4:44
Los Angeles, CA
Emily, on the other hand, tried to get me to go back to her, right then and there. She tried to say that it was all a mistake, nothing major really happened, and it wasn’t what it seemed. I had no desire to listen to her because I had been plotting getting rid of her every since I woke up next to her after being black out drunk. However, I still didn’t have it in me to tell her mean and horrible things that I always wanted to. Technically, I was in a situation where I could have called her a cheating bitch or something like that; but I was too happy about the whole ordeal. It also would have been the ideal time to tell her that I never liked her in the first place and was breaking up with her because I found her constant yapping about stupid bullshit insufferable.
114. Asobi Seksu
"Lions And Tigers" 4:09
New York, NY
The two of them were talking back and forth to me at once and my head was spinning. I couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t just let me go and run off and be happy together. Finally, the bus came and I jumped on the bus while they were in mid-sentence. Luckily, she left all of her cash inside her home and could not board the bus. As the bus was pulling away, and I saw her staring up at the window, I felt so relieved. At last, I was finally free.
"White Lips Kissed" 6:45
And The Glass Handed Kites
Hellerup, Denmark/London, England
The beauty behind all of this was that her dad was paying for the cell phone that I had been using. Since I no longer had any attachment, I simply threw the phone into the garbage. This meant that I did not have to respond to the 40 million text messages that she sent me requesting me to come back and talk things over. It also meant that I was officially rid of Sonja too, because I could no longer receive messages from her either. I could simply say that my phone was disposed of and I did not know her number; Sonja could simply fade away. Furthermore, I didn’t have to deal with ridiculous calls from the toothless crackhead either. When that phone dropped into the trash can on the corner of the street, I felt as if a good portion of my troubles simply vanished.
112. The Mars Volta
"Vicarious Atonement" 7:22
Los Angeles, CA
When I returned home the next day from work, Emily was waiting for me at my front door. I saw her, and fortunately, she did not see me. I simply backed away and left. Who knows how long she waited there, but I decided that I could not return home until some of this shit blew away. It was dinner time and I walked over to eat all by myself. For the most part, I was in a good mood, but there were still some lingering issues with Emily hanging out at my house and I had no clue what Sonja was capable of doing. If Sonja showed up at my apartment with Emily there waiting for me… well, that would be pretty funny at this point.
"Big Shot" 3:22
Oliver Under The Moon
San Diego, CA
I was sitting there eating by myself. There was somebody sitting behind me, also there by himself. It was free pie night where patrons received a free slice of pie after purchasing an entrée. I was having a difficult time deciding which one I wanted, and had it narrowed down to two. The waitress arrived and I had to make a snappy decision and went with the French Silk because I had never tried that one there yet. Right after she took my pie order, she went to the guy behind me and he ordered the pie that I was debating on ordering instead of the French Silk. It was such a coincidence. This is something I never do, but he was alone, I was alone, and I turned around and told him that I was contemplating ordering that one. I asked him, “Do you want to do the stupid kind of shit that girls do? Like I’ll give you half of my French Silk pie for half of your slice?”
110. Mission of Burma
He came over and sat by me and we joked around about all sorts of other shit that girls do. Next thing I knew, I was over at his house and we were actually doing the types of things that girls do. We shared our pies, eating off each other’s plates, and then sat on the couch and watched a chick flick with a blanket over our laps. I didn’t know he was gay when I came over, but some things are found out in a surprising manner. He put his hand on my leg and rubbed my thigh while we watched the movie. This took me by surprise because I wasn’t sure if he was really gay or just jokingly pretending to do the shit that girls do. Then, he leaned over and kissed me on the lips.
109. Royal Fam
"Black Castle" 3:56
New York, NY
I didn’t really want to have sex with this guy, but I did anyway. I had just gotten out of two bad relationships at once, and all of this had happened when I was blackout drunk and had no recollection of how it all went down. This time, I was completely sober and figured I was just allow things to play out to possibly draw some determination as to what happened the night I met Emily, Sonja, and Jim Donaldson. It was hard to draw any sort of real conclusion because I did not have the nerve to tell him that I wasn’t gay. And because I wasn’t gay, he could not successfully do all of the things that he desired.
"The Animal World" 4:54
Just Like The Fambly Cat
While we were making out, he stuck his hand down my pants and started stroking my cock. I could not get an erection because his hands did not feel right; it just wasn’t a woman’s hand. I tried rubbing his dick, but pulled away because it grossed me out. He unbuttoned my shirt and kissed my nipples and my belly button, but it didn’t feel right because of his manliness…his lips were prickly and his skin was hard and rough. I prefer softer lips without any sort of thick facial hair. Then, he tried sucking my cock, but it was not able to stay hard. There was no way that I was going to suck his dick, I wasn’t prepared to even experiment with that. Instead, I just let him fuck me in the ass. This was easier for me because I did not have to face him, I did not have to have a boner (although he did offer the common courtesy of a reach-around), and I did not have to touch him with any of my prideful body parts. The only thing that had ever been in my ass is dirty nasty turds (possibly Jim Donaldson) and his dick wasn’t as gross smelling as a post-hangover shit. He pulled out and came all over my back; but whatever, it washed off. Even though I am not gay, I will say that it was a bit enticing having him cum all over me.
"Everything Wrong Is Imaginary" 4:35
Everything Wrong Is Imaginary
We snuggled for a bit on his couch and I finally confessed that I wasn’t gay. He said he sensed that, but said he enjoyed it because he likes having sex with straight boys; even claimed that I was special because most straight guys only want a blowjob or a handjob and I was the first one that he actually fucked in the ass. I told him all about the problems I was having and about how I just broke up with two women at once, the hooker, and finally related about Jim Donaldson (he informed me that more than likely Jim only sucked my cock and that was probably it—this made me feel fat). Despite the fact that he wasn’t able to convert me to being a homosexual, and I told that this was a onetime only deal, we ended up becoming friends and spent the rest of the evening listening to records…he had cool taste in music.
106. Pet Shop Boys
Sonja showed up at my work wondering where I had been. This was the very first time ever she had entered my work and my co-workers took a brief moment to take prolonged glances at her. I was wearing my Gomer Gopher costume and explained to her that I had lost my phone. She understood, and claimed that she had been busy with her work, then proceeded to tell me all about it. Fortunately, I was working at the time and had an excuse not to talk to her. She said that we should hang out after I got off and said that she would wait for me. Then, while she was waiting, Emily showed up and she was pissed.
105. Archie Bronson Outfit
"Dart For My Sweetheart" 4:30
Emily was totally freaking out, saying stupid bullshit that I should not be throwing away all of the great things that we have, our love, just over one mistake that she didn’t even do. She was in the process of denying everything when Sonja entered the picture and asked to bum a cigarette, claiming that she would buy me a whole pack after work for when I came over. Needless to say, Emily grew even more irate upon hearing this and interrogated me about Sonja. “Who the fuck is she?”
104. Eagles Of Death Metal
"Don't Speak (I Came To Make A BANG!)" 2:48
Death By Sexy
Palm Desert, CA
“Who the fuck are you?” Sonja challenged Emily. The two women bickered back and forth for a while, and after some nasty exchanges I thought the two of them were going to get into a fight. It wasn’t even over me; I knew all along the two would hate each other because they were complete opposites. In the midst of arguing with each other, they would periodically say things to me and try to involve me in their argument. All the while, I am dressed as a super smiling gopher who children adore; and the restaurant was full of kids because there was a birthday party. “You’ve been fucking this bitch right here?” Emily shouted and all the patrons turned around to see what the disturbance was about.
103. Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan
"Ramblin' Man" 3:29
Ballad Of Broken Seas
IC: Glasgow, Scotland/ML: Ellensburg, WA
Since I had fucked Sonja, Emily claimed that she had the right to cheat on me, which was fine that should have made this a mutual break-up. Instead, she expected me to forgive her for making out with that guy and I would be forgiven for having sex with Sonja, even though she is a fat gross bitch. She suggested that this was something that we could work through, and obviously we had both strayed temporarily but were both in love with each other. Emily even made crazy notions that maybe we just went too fast, and that now that this was out of the way, we could continue at a regular pace. In her mind, even though I caught her red handed with another guy, and she is standing here with the woman I had been cheating on her with, she was insinuating that we were still together. She even bought me a new phone.
102. The King Khan & BBQ Show
"Hold Me Tight" 2:36
The King Khan & BBQ Show
Montréal, QC, Canada/Berlin, Germany
On the other hand, Sonja was standing right next to her. She claimed that she did not know that I had a girlfriend and took responsibility for it because she never even asked. Furthermore, she didn’t care. And judging by how stupid this bitch appeared, it was obvious why I was so attracted to her because Sonja had her priorities straight and possessed some intelligence. Sonja said, and she was far more calm than Emily, that she technically did not do anything wrong and there was no reason for me to stop seeing her. In fact, she was happy that Emily had cheated on me, and could now be out of the picture. “With this bitch out the way, maybe we can spend more time together and go on that trip we were planning. You can just come stay at my house so she doesn’t fuck with you. I mean, it’s obvious that she has neurotic issues.”
101. Psychic Ills
"Another Day Another Night" 8:09
New York, NY
Neither of them would go away nor get the hint. Instead, they kept pleading their cases as to why we should be together and focus on strengthening our relationship. This was bullshit because the dude Emily was making out with was a far better match than I had been. Sonja didn’t need me. All she wanted was sex and somebody to talk about her work with…as quickly as she came and the fact that she had no interest in anything I ever did, a human being wasn’t even required for her needs. She could have just talked to the wall and rubbed her pussy up against a bookshelf—it would have had the exact same effect. There was no reason for either of them to be even remotely interested in me, let alone showing up at Gomer Gopher’s causing a scene, suggesting that our “relationship” is at an advantage to be taken to the next level.
Between the two of them talking back and forth to me, my head was spinning, my heart was beating irregularly, and I was on the verge of yet another panic attack. I would rather both of them had dragged me outside and beat the living shit out of me; be angry with the fact that I had been seeing both of them at the same time…unwillingly. Instead, they were both trying to remain calm and coax me into going home with one of them. They were in competition with one another and presenting options that they assumed would be the most suitable. “Just come to my house…” “No, just come back to my house…”
Neither sounded appealing and I obviously did not have the necessities required to choose one over the other nor tell both of them that I wanted nothing to do with them. I sure as fuck wasn’t going to propose a threesome. Because I am such a pussy when faced with this sort of confrontation, I did the only thing I knew how to do to best handle the situation. I spoke to my manager, clocked out, and dipped out the backdoor.
I was so nervous when I left there that my whole body was quivering and I was having difficulty catching my breath. To make matters worse, I had no place to go because I was afraid one/both of them would be waiting for me at my house. Admittedly, I am not the best in the world at resolving these sort of issues and prone to make awful decisions when faced with this type of adversity. I just wanted to forget about it all, pretend like nothing is going on, and go to my happy place.
With no place else to go, I simply went to a local bar in a different part of town that was extremely crowded. This away, I could have a few drinks and disappear in the crowd and nobody would notice me. Eventually, I would think of some sort of resolution and could spend quality time in my happy place. I did not speak to a single person. All the while, I drank several beers and snuck out back to smoke a few bowls along the way. I did manage to forget about the whole situation I had been faced with; and along the lines, I was able to drink and smoke so much that I would forget the rest of the night too. By the time I reached the blackout point, I had not uttered a single word the entire time I had been in this place—except to the bartender. I had avoided all contact with the rest of the patrons and was sitting in a far corner of the back patio all by myself.
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