Chapter 1: One Wish
Chapter 2: August 22nd, 4:37 PM EST
Chapter 3: Paradigm Shift
Chapter 4: Cooper
Chapter 5: Frightening is the New Animal Friendly
Chapter 6: Wild Animal Instinct
Chapter 7: Midnight Lemur
Chapter III: Paradigm Shift
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
125. Tom Scott
"Dahomey Dance" 3:42
Tom Scott & The L.A. Express
Los Angeles, CA
Inventor Thomas Simpson was more than crafty with his hands and tinkering with various tools—he was a visionary who recognized potential problems with various solutions. The world had underwent a major paradigm shift, one of the top three life altering experiences (proof of a God and visitors from another the planet being the other two). It is the role of inventors just as Thomas Simpson to conceptualize progress during periods such as this. While they could all communicate effectively with words, animals (except primates, and slightly raccoons) still had numerous handicaps in terms of handling objects with their hands. Furthermore, education needed to improve for animals to know the usage of various devices such as can openers and record players. Thomas Simpson wished to assemble a crew of animals to develop new and improved strategies for a better future. His first hire was a black and white spotted cocker spaniel named Pedro, and Pedro proved to be a valuable assistant—eagerly willing to try out new devices…he even wore round glasses.
124. Blue Swede
"Hooked on a Feeling" 2:54
Hooked on a Feeling
Wilkinson, Tomlinson and the other raccoons returned to Carl’s house early one morning carrying a bag. They scratched at the door and darted inside the moment he opened the door.
“Aren’t you happy,” Tomlinson asked, “we woke up early just for you.”
“And,” Wilkinson sounded so happy, “we brought you breakfast as a way to say thanks and to extend our friendship.”
The raccoons opened the bag and scattered the contents across the dining room table. All that was in the bag was food remnants that they had gathered from other garbage cans including pizza crusts, table scraps, and stems and peels from an assortment of fruits and vegetables. They portioned them out nicely, set up areas to eat on the table, and insisted that Carl was in for a real treat.
There was no way Carl was going to eat this garbage and he looked at them strangely. They looked back at him curious, wondering what was wrong. “Come on, don’t you want eat with us?”
Carl just laughed, patted one of them on the top of the head and declared, “You guys are my new best friends.” They all shared a laugh and the raccoons were relieved, “but, I can’t eat this kind of food; (making up something to sound nice) you know, I got these allergies. You guys go ahead, eat right here, I’ll join you. Just, you eat that, and I’ll eat this (cereal from a bowl).
They were all happy and finally Wilkinson asked, “Hey, who sings this song? (Sings along) Oon-ka-chaka Oon-ka-chaka. Is this raccoons singing?” Carl nearly spit out his cereal.
123. Rufus & Chaka Khan
"Tell Me Something Good" 4:38
Rags To Rufus
As expected, the zoo was sold out. Some people didn’t even make it a quarter of the way through the zoo and spent the majority of the day making a new acquaintance with the first animal they saw. Monkeys were seen holding cans of soda while conversing with people, children played with the animal cubs, and the adults of all species discussed politics and various other grown-up topics.
Humans and animals even ate together in the picnic area, having peculiar conversations. “This stuff here is pretty good,” said the lion sitting at the table eating a clone burger. “Any of you guys ever run down an antelope out in the wild and eat it raw?” Everybody looked at the lion funny. “Well, don’t. Thank goodness those days are done. It was a pain in the butt, the food was horrendous most of the time, and it was bad for you. My gosh, I can’t believe we ate that. You know, our average life span was only about 10 years or so…we all had high cholesterol. I’ll tell you who guys should be proud of, and who you should build a statue of right here in this zoo.” The people gazed at him eagerly anticipating the answer. “Whoever invented the frying pan.” The other animals agreed while the humans muffled smiles.
“And the grill,” added a black panther in the far corner.
122. Mahogany Rush
"Child Of The Novelty" 4:07
Child Of The Novelty
Montreal, QC, Canada
Bob the centipede returned. He was crawling on the wall and April was sitting on the couch working on her laptop. “Hello,” Bob said cautiously, keeping his distance. She looked over and saw him on the wall, “oh, hi.”
“Is it ok to talk for a minute?”
“Yea,” Bob actually had a pleasant professional speaking voice, “I’m sorry for freaking you out, it wasn’t my intentions ever.”
She smiled, “that’s ok, I’m sorry I tried to squish you with the newspaper.”
They talked in casual conversation for a few moments, making apologies and explanations and Bob turned serious. “If I ask you a question, can you be totally honest with me?”
“Am I ugly?” April looked at him but did not know how to respond. “Like, if you were a girl, would you find me attractive?”
“I am a girl.”
“Oh,” Bob was stunned, “that’s too weird. Sorry about that again.”
121. Thin Lizzy
April and Bob were hanging out on the couch talking when her husband Mark entered with Rosco the dog and Pete the cat. Pete immediately spotted Bob, raced up to him, and said out loud, “oh my God!”
“Hey,” April ordered him to stop.
“Can you talk?” Pete asked Bob.
“Yes, what makes you think I couldn’t?”
“Damn,” Pete was discouraged and went over and sat on the couch. “That sucks!”
“Is that the same centipede,” Mark asked. “Oh, hey, how’s it going? Sorry about the other day.”
“You ever eat one of these things?” Pete asked the group.
“No, that’s disgusting.”
“They taste just like chocolate cupcakes. Seeing him sitting there on the couch, is equivalent seeing a fat juicy chocolate cupcake on the table. Let’s clone centipedes!”
“Ok,” Bob interjected, “I need to get somewhere in the middle here. I don’t like being thought of as either disgusting, or knowing that I taste like chocolate cupcakes. What do cats taste like?”
“Nobody eats cats.”
“Yea,” Pete declared, “nobody eats cats.”
“What makes you so special?”
“That’s because we’re so smart.”
“I bet I’m smarter than you,” challenged Bob.
A contest was held. Pete did prove slightly smarter in most areas, but Bob turned out to be a mathematical genius. People learn to count on their fingers, and can get through multiples of ten relatively quick. Centipedes, by counting on their “fingers” 32-100 of them depending on the species, can zip through multiplication problems faster than a calculator. Something about intellect changes everything. After realizing that Bob was mathematically intelligent (good in science too), Pete lost all desire to ever eat another centipede again.
"Working Man" 7:11
Willowdale, ON, Canada
Ted the black and white tuxedo cat walked to Pick ‘N’ Save unassisted. “How do I get in here?” Although he was by himself, he did have to ask periodic questions. “I heard you guys have those cat treats,” he said to a random employee, “where are they?” Once he located heaven, the cat food aisle, he resisted the temptation to snatch every single one of them. He was attempting to open the bag in the store when the employee informed him he had to pay for it first. “Ok, where do I that?” The employee directed him to the registers where Ted had to stand in line. Once he made it to the cashier, she told him that it was $4.33. “Ok,” he asked politely, “where do I go to get the $4.33?” Well, you have to get a job.
Pick ‘N’ Save became one of the first grocery stores to employee a feline. The application process was viewed as a waste. For name, he entered Ted, for address he entered “a few blocks away” and the rest of the application was left blank. When he inquired at the customer service desk about what all of this pertained to, the 19 year old girl just shrugged, “fuck it. Let’s just hire him; all he needs is $4.”
First, they hired him to bag groceries. Luckily, people speak differently to cats than they do humans.
“Ok,” the woman said with a smile to Ted, “that’s not the right way to do it. The bread always has to go on the top.” Ted removed the completely smashed loaf of bread with his teeth and put it on top of the other items that were scattered messily in the bag. The cashier apologized, but the woman was perfectly content, it was amusing to her. Ted struggled with the jar of pickles; when he attempted to nuzzle them into the bag, they dropped on the floor and broke. Ted started to jump off the counter to retrieve them, and the woman stopped him. “No! Don’t jump there. That broken glass will cut you.”
“Now, you owe $6.”
Ted was transferred to the deli department. The deli clerk was with a customer and attempting to train Ted at the same time. She wanted a half pound of turkey and the clerk had a paper sheet on the scale instructing Ted how to weigh it. He placed the turkey on the scale, checked the weight, and then bent down for another handful. “No,” he yelled at Ted, “you can’t eat it.” The lady was smiling for she watched Ted immediately start eating the turkey the moment the clerk bent down.
“Then what are you supposed to do with it?”
“It’s for her.”
Ted was fired from Pick ‘N’ Save after just a few hours. They allowed him to keep the bag of cat treats and declared that he did not have to pay for the jar of pickles. He did, however, earn employment from Thomas Simpson the inventor. And, that instance of getting fired from Pick ‘N’ Save would prove revolutionary.
The last ever big game hunter had no clue that animals were talking for he had been hiding out all night. Once he spotted the rhinoceros, he creeped behind a bush and took aim. A bird warned the rhinoceros of his presence, and the rhino immediately ran away. The hunter attempted to chase after the rhino, but was ambushed by a pack of various wild animals working together. The last ever non-cloned meat product was human, and final consumption took place in an alligator. See the world's reaction to his brutal death here.
"Drifting Sun" 7:43
Fly to the Rainbow
One exhibit in the zoo was open all night and kept dark. This was The House of Reptiles which became compatible with the bat house and other nocturnal creatures. It did not take long before age old stereotypes were proven correct, albeit respected and adored. Yes, it is true, snakes and other venomous animals prefer loud guitar solos, heavy distortion, and horror movies. They were able to design their own exhibit, establish certain codes required for entrance, and stay open late for rock concerts and scary movies. The House of Reptiles became the party central of the city and snakes were actually the first animals to employ humans. Of course, the zoo had to pay for everything, but the reptiles had their own hiring committee. If a person showed up clean cut wearing a tie, he was dismissed. This guy was promoted to manager.
117. Average White Band
"Pick Up the Pieces" 3:59
After the zoo closed for the night, the animals were permitted to leave and do as they pleased. The bear couple Arnold and Dominica put on some fancy dress attire that was donated to them from the mega plus size department store of America, and went out to a night club. These two bears could really cut loose on the dance floor, and for creatures so large, they certainly had nimble dance steps.
116. Ohio Players
"Its Your Night/Words Of Love" 7:59
Meanwhile, at a different club, all of the seats were taken at the bar. At one end, a male human was attempting to court a female human; same scenario on the opposite end, except this one involving two dogs. Both couples were completely oblivious to their surroundings and not engaging in any other activities whatsoever. In fact, they were even each saying similar cheesy lines to one another, and the other patrons found them equally disgusting. They kept ordering drinks and were gradually becoming more intoxicated. Finally, the moment struck. The male human went in for a kiss and scored; the two made out passionately sitting there at the bar. At the other, the male dog scored too; only he was on top of her humping her doggy style rather than kissing.
115. Bob Dylan
"Never Say Goodbye" 2:54
Duluth, MN/Malibu, CA
City Market adopted an animal friendly policy. They created doors in which animals could easily enter and exit, larger bowls for larger animals to eat from, and served drinks in containers animals easily could utilize. The scene at City Market was extraordinary. There were literally all types of species in the café, eating, drinking, and talking about a variety of subjects. It was increasingly common to walk passed the window and see a woman seated next to a penguin couple.
114. George Harrison
"So Sad" 5:02
Liverpool, England (1943)-Los Angeles, CA (2001)
Unfortunately, it turned out that some people did not like their pets. The Henderson’s had to get rid of their dog, Ludwig, because it turned out that Ludwig was a Republican. They did not agree on anything, and by the end of the evening, refused to even speak to each other. When a Republican family adopted Ludwig, he left without even saying goodbye, and the Henderson’s could not wait for him to leave. There were several instances of pets leaving home due to irreconcilable differences.
113. Johnny Bristol
"Hang On In There Baby" 3:54
Hang On In There Baby
Morganton, NC (1939)-Brighton Township, MI (2004)
Towns held voluntary meetings in which all animal species were invited to discuss various issues and share a little information about themselves. It was similar to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings where participants would state their name and what they are: I’m Shelly, and I’m a human; I’m Wilson and I’m a bear; I’m Scott, and I’m a monkey. One at a time, people would freely discuss whatever was on their minds, ask questions about various species, and what they would like to see done. Most of them smoked cigarettes too.
112. Al Green
"Take Me To The River" 3:44
Explores Your Mind
Forrest City, AR/Millington, TN
Amphibians were able to discuss issues with both land creatures and water animals—talk about managing diversity. However, they were not able to stay out as late as some of their friends on both sides. There were times when they would be out having a good time, then have to leave early because they needed to be in water; most often, this was a buzz killer. Also, there were times when they had to abruptly terminate conversations to keep from drowning; most often, this was a buzz killer. Occasionally, however, it did provide an excuse to leave unwanted company. If a person was talking excessively about foolish nonsense, they could simply state, "well, I have to get out of here, or else I'm going to drown."
111. The J. Geils Band
"Must Of Got Lost" 5:06
Nightmares... And Other Tales From The Vinyl Jungle
Sparky returned home. He had been missing for months, and a reward had been issued for his discovery. In fact, he had been missing for so long, that his family assumed he was dead and even purchased a new dog—Bandit. One day, Sparky could talk, and the people understood. After gathering directions, and giving multiple descriptions, Sparky finally figured out how to get home. And when he got home, it was a joyful moment for the whole family. Bandit had a new friend. A party was held and a banner that read “Welcome Back Sparky” was displayed over the porch. Sparky certainly had some fascinating stories to relate about how he got lost in the first place.
110. Climax Blues Band
"Shopping Bag People" 4:05
Sense of Direction
For the first duration of the new era, animals were unsure where to obtain jobs or how to acquire money to purchase the items they truly wanted. Many of them were seen on the streets bumming change with the homeless people. However, people seemed more willing to offer money to animals who were capable of doing tricks than to people pulling tricks (because they tricks they were offering were illegal). Some vagabonds made the acquaintance of animals and split the money…animals would do the tricks and the people would assist with carrying the bags. Monkeys and raccoons needed no assistance whatsoever; they did not need jobs either as major label bidding wars were being held to employ monkeys and raccoons for a variety of positions. It just isn’t in the nature of the raccoon to work in an office; they’re too sly and can earn more money on the streets than the corporations had to offer.
109. Bachman-Turner Overdrive
"Roll on Down the Highway" 3:57
Winnipeg, MB, Canada
Even after being informed of the hazards and given specific instructions as to how to cross the damn thing, possums were still struggling with the roads. Janie worked with one possum, and no matter what, Churkle was still walking out in front of cars. Then, she noticed that Churkle was also walking into street signs periodically and constantly seemed lost looking for her when she was only a few feet away. Finally, she took Churkle to an optometrist to have his eyes examined. Sure enough, Churkle needed glasses. After the doctor developed some lenses that fit him perfectly, Churkle no longer ran out in front of cars speeding down the road. Word had spread, and possums became the Shopping Bag People in front of the optometrist office bumming change for glasses. Every single possum on Earth required glasses.
"Train Kept A Rollin'" 5:33
Get Your Wings
Sunapee, NH/Boston, MA
Thomas Simpson invented a device that enabled animals to operate vehicles. However, most could still not afford vehicles and this caused numerous obstacles. But, whenever people would get too drunk at the bar, they could rely on man’s best friend, the dog, to give them a ride home. Simply put, some animals were either horrible drivers, or such good drivers that they frequently disobeyed the law. Cats, bears, and raccoons were prone to speed through town with the music blaring and the windows down. Furthermore, cats and raccoons were subject to keep the car out all night and return it with mysterious scratches and dents in the body; with even more mysterious miscellaneous objects in the trunk. Both species were prone to engage in mischievous escapades that included destruction of mail boxes, theft of various garden decorations, and yard jobs on people they found annoying—which was most people.
107. Deep Purple
Time does not easily erase a troubled history. Such as the case in the United States where black people and Native Americans were severely done wrong in the past and some still naturally bestow a grudge upon the community of oppressors. Zebras and gazelles claimed to have been mistreated throughout their history by lions, tigers, leopards, and every other animal that hunted these creatures in order for survival. There was still tension between the two parties as zebras would often hold rallies claiming their discrimination. Furthermore, on nights out in the bar, if a flock of zebras was present along with some lions, there was certainly going to be a fight. As of this moment, the only way to break up a fight was with a tranquilizer dart—most times the lion would wake up in jail.
Soon Over Babaluma
Several programs were adopted for various species to work through their troubled pasts. The lions apologized to the zebras for hunting them in the past, and humans apologized to lion species for hiring Matt Millen. In order to resolve matters, lions and other predators had to pay restitution of 4 hours community service directly to the animals of prey. Zebras and gazelles were all forced to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Although they gradually tolerated one another, it was rare to see the two species’ becoming best friends. Whenever they spotted each other out at the club or other social gatherings, they simply avoided each other.
105. Günter Schickert
"Apricot Brandy" 5:58
Animals that lived in caves had what was considered a creepy personality. After the wish was granted, which remained unknown to the rest of the world, cave expenditures were held in order to conduct more studies on these species—the fact that the Caves episode of BBC’s Planet Earth remained a popular favorite helped this plight. Even though the words were clearly audible, these creatures remained weird. In fact, their ability to speak only made them weirder. The topics they discussed made little sense to any of the humans, and the dark cave became frightening as their ghoulish voices soon surrounded them. Scientists fled the cave in fear, whereas once upon a time they held salamanders in their hands. Since snakes were now so popular with the metal crowd, cave creatures became the #1 villain in horror movies.
104. Stone Harbour
"Grains Of Sand" 5:05
The little girl sadly instructed her dog all of the necessities required for properly crossing the street and respect for other properties. During the lesson, she broke into tears: “you’re not going to leave us are you?” The dog hugged her, “of course not.”
103. Captain Beefheart
"I Got Love" 3:08
Glendale, CA (1941)-Arcata, CA (2010)
Working in the advertising business was the most lucrative job for animals. However, there were some obstacles. “This shit sucks,” declared Steve the tiger. “There’s no way in hell no mother fucking tiger is going to eat a bowl of these shitty ass flakes and think ‘they’re grrreattt!’ Fuck this; you assholes need to make some new cereal if you want me doing this shit. This shit: they’re grrroossss!” They would explain that the cereal is for kids, and a rabbit tossed a bowl of cereal to the ground and stated, “Good, they can keep this shit.” After they got into character and earned their money doing to the commercials, Steve the tiger and Eddie the rabbit went to Thomas Simpson to have new cereal invented…Frosted Steaks and vegetable flavored Trix.
"Stone Cold Crazy" 2:16
Sheer Heart Attack
Jails were already overcrowded with cats and raccoons when another group entered with a bear. This group was in for robbery and criminal mischief (just like the rest of them). They had robbed a convenient store. One of the cats jumped up on the counter to distract the cashier then batted her drink container over with his paw. While she was on her cursing tirade, the other cats and raccoons stormed into the store and raided an entire display of beef jerky and darted out of the store. She chased after them with a broom, but Belugua the bear was driving the getaway car, and they sped out of the parking lot. As if this was bad enough, while they were in the cell, an army tank crashed through, knocking the walls down (cats and raccoons had encouraged a group of gorillas to assist with this task, and they were strong enough to push the tank down the hill and into the cell.) All of the “criminals” were once again freed.
101. Fred Frith
"Out Of Their Heads (On Locoweed)" 8:24
Heathfield, England/Oakland, CA
Soon, protests erupted. Most animals did not support the human government or the system of currency. They felt if anybody deserved anything for items such as beef jerky, pizza, and cat treats that it should be the cows who were being cloned; and perhaps the people making them. The cats and raccoons did not see any use for packaging, advertising, or having to purchase these items at a store operated entirely by humans. All of this was a waste of time and money to them.
The human race was divided on how they felt about this whole ordeal. What they said did make sense, but there were too many other aspects at stakes such as jobs, budget, and inventory. But, a solution was at stake. Cats, raccoons, and other animals were smart enough to manufacture these items themselves. Furthermore, they had friends who were cows and they offered free clones. It worked, although the final product nowhere near resembled the original…but they were free. For many species, this was the only reason for them to ever need money, as they had no interest in purchasing an excessive amount of Christmas decorations.