Chapter 1: One Wish
Chapter 2: August 22nd, 4:37 PM EST
Chapter 3: Paradigm Shift
Chapter 4: Cooper
Chapter 5: Frightening is the New Animal Friendly
Chapter 6: Wild Animal Instinct
Chapter 7: Midnight Lemur
Chapter IV: Cooper
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
100. Be-Bop Deluxe
"Jet Silver And The Dolls Of Venus" 4:11
Special appearance on the Rachel Ray show: Matilda the cow to demonstrate how to prepare yum-o grass! Rachel Ray appeared extremely happy having the opportunity to share the studio kitchen with Matilda the cow, and the two had great chemistry. It turned out, however, that grass required little preparation. In fact, none at all. That’s when Rachel unveiled some exciting new recipes to spice up your grass. One included lemon pepper in order to make lemon grass, and another contained melted butter and salt. The cow did not eat the butter, and asked Rachel politely, “If you squeezed milk from your own titties to make that butter, would you still eat it?” The audience laughed and cheered. Just to prove a point, Rachel Ray bared her breasts, squeezed her nipples and shot some of her own milk on the grass and ate it. Not to upstaged, the cow ate the buttery grass.
99. The Originals
"Supernatural Voodoo Woman" 2:47
Game Called Love
Lorraine had studied witchcraft for years, and now with the assistance of rats, was able to enhance her powers. She primarily used her magic for good*. (*= evil black magic spells but only used on people** who had committed horrendous crimes)(**=people would pay Lorraine to assist them with various oppressors causing problems). While she made her latest dietary supplement to be utilized on the boys who had date raped her friend Katrina, the rats sang the song (harmonizing “Supernatural Voodoo Woman”) as she developed her magic, and carried the spell out to the boys who committed this awful crime. The rats continued to sing while she casually walked by, splashed the two bros with the red liquid, and they collapsed to the ground; the rapists awoke with limp penises less than an inch long—they would never sustain erection again.
98. Waylon Jennings
"The Hunger" 3:32
The Ramblin' Man
Littlefield, TX (1937)-Chandler, AZ (2002)
Priscilla had heard her people discussing the effects of aging. It occurred to Priscilla that she was 11 years old, and for a dog, that’s pretty God damn old. The complaints of the women who Priscilla spent too much time with had psychological effects on the poor dog. Priscilla began to feel depressed and worried that she was not quite as beautiful as she used to be. Whenever she would walk down the street, and other dogs wouldn’t try to hump her, she assumed it was because she was an old bag and not because it had been outlawed in America. She felt as if she were not as pretty as she used to be (because Betty Ann felt this way about herself). Pictures revealed that Priscilla now looks exactly like Priscilla 7 years ago. Nothing has changed; somebody needs to slap this bitch*. * Technically, bitch means female dog.
97. David Bowie
"Rebel Rebel" 4:33
Jebi the turtle had caused quite a commotion in the world. Nobody was sure whether or not Jebi was a boy or a girl turtle. A survey was conducted and the votes came out completely even- exactly 50% said boy, 50% said girl. Jebi refused to answer the question and advertised both men’s and women’s products. Once Jebi became a celebrity, tabloid magazines and the paparazzi frequently followed Jebi (less than 1% actually claimed it was difficult chasing after a turtle). When Jebi walked the red carpet, 487,000 photos were snapped during time it took for him/her to walk across the entire path. The photographers eventually grew tired of taking pictures of the nation’s #1 tabloid celebrity and no photographs were taken for the final 16 minutes of the walk. Tabloid magazines displayed headlines claiming they had evidence that Jebi was a woman; evidence that Jebi was a man; evidence that Jebi was a transvestite turtle; evidence that Jebi came from Mars.
"Too Young To Know" 3:11
At the request of all the animals, inventor Thomas Simpson temporarily had to delay other important devices and teach these guys rock ‘n’ roll. Fortunately, it proved beneficial because not only did it generate massive funding for other ploys, but the same strategies he utilized for the instruments were also applied to soon-to-be other inventions. He developed claw extensions that enabled animals to play chords on the guitars, various straps and gadgets to hold drum sticks, and finally a prosthetic opposable thumb. Also, it kept the terrorist street gang out of jail…with the bear on vocals, a cat + raccoon on duel guitar, a raccoon playing drums, and another cat for bass. The other cats and raccoons in the “convenience store terrorist squad” worked as road managers and booking agents.
95. Robin Trower
"Day of the Eagle" 5:01
Bridge of Sighs
The first ever all animal rock and roll band was an enormous success and was eventually on the covers of music magazines worldwide. Furthermore, because this was the same pack of Communists who had protested the government of the people, they did not play mainstream friendly fluff that record label executives errantly assumed people wanted to buy (this one error had caused a severe drop in record sales). They played in packed venues, for audiences ranging from people to penguins, and provided fast and loud rock music. At first, people were primarily interested just because they were animals. Then, the record went multi-platinum (16 million to be exact) and was even regarded in the top few albums of the year by most critics. Just as My Sharona killed disco and Smells like Teen Spirit killed hair metal, the animal band killed Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood, and all that garbage (they had to kill so much mainstream garbage that it was eventually ruled a massacre).
"Wind Of Change" 5:09
Hall of the Mountain Grill
A hamster named Charlie (no last name) is credited for the first ever film to be fully written and directed by an animal. While it did not garner that same type of grand success as the all animal rock band, Charlie did develop a devoted cult following and was often regarded as the hamster version of David Lynch. He made artistic films with very little plot structure that was difficult to follow coherently. His first film, The Runner, was a one hour and 27 minute mind trip featuring one hamster running in a ball the entire time. Throughout the duration of the film, while the hamster was running in the ball, psychedelic distorted visuals and macabre images flashed across the screen, in somewhat random sequences, in unison with the mostly psychedelic soundtrack. Although it was pretty much available on DVD less than three weeks after its initial release, it eventually became regarded in the same category with David Lynch’s Eraserhead as the best/most disturbing artistic films in history.
93. Smokey Robinson
"Asleep On My Love" 4:00
Detroit, MI/Las Vegas, NV
In general, animals only mate within their own species. A survey was conducted, and only 14% of all species had ever engaged in sexual intercourse with a different species (many who indicated yes were human beings from the state of Kentucky who had fornicated sheep). However, Benny the street tough city rabbit was falling in love with Pauline the skunk. They had developed an everlasting friendship, but Benny wanted to escalate their relationship further. Pauline frequently rejected Benny simply because he was a rabbit and wondered what the neighbors might say. But, the temptation became too endeavoring and Pauline’s resistance bequeathed to true love. Benny had almost given up, and was not suspecting this at all, but one night, Pauline flipped the little rabbit’s ass over in the woods and ravaged him.
Their relationship did spawn yet another version of Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner and raised questions about inner-species marriages. Pauline spoke highly of Benny the night he was coming over to meet her parents, described all of his characteristics, but failed to mention that he was a rabbit. “He sounds like a wonderful young man,” was the general consensus, and friends and family were overjoyed that Pauline had finally discovered true love. When Benny finally showed up and it was revealed that this wonderful young man was a rabbit, the belief system of this seemingly liberal minded family was severely challenged. She introduced Benny to her family, and it was met with total silence and awkward stares. Throughout the evening, a couple members of Pauline’s family sprayed Benny, and he was met with uncomfortable stereotypical questions and statements such as, “I thought you people only ate carrots,” to generalizing that all rabbits were exactly like Bugs Bunny (even those who attempted to be friendly shook his hand with a smile and said, “what’s up doc?”).
91. Steely Dan
"East St. Louis Toodle-Oo" 2:50
Los Angeles, CA
With a little assistance from inventor Thomas Simpson and his group, Bob the centipede went from “disgusting” to “fabulous music sensation.” They had all made an array of tiny instruments incorporating tiny wires and jack adapters so the small instruments could create a big sound. Once he was discovered, the world had no choice but to make Bob the centipede a superstar. In a televised event, with the usage of 30+ arms and legs, Bob the centipede performed East St. Louis Toodle-Oo by himself…all instruments at once. A platform had been erected for Bob to stand, drums at the bottom, and a vast array of stringed instruments and pianos on all sides that he could swiftly play spontaneously. When he also incorporated a brass section and blew into those instruments, hot young girls swooned, tossed up their handkerchiefs, and fainted.
90. James Brown
"Forever Suffering" 5:52
Barnwell, SC (1933)-Atlanta, GA (2006)
Jessie the Labrador retriever got busted having an affair on his wife (this was not difficult to prove because he was humping the other bitch right out in the open in the neighbor’s yard). Since then, his wife had become a delinquent and was even wanted by the SPCA. Furthermore, Jessie was not permitted to see his puppies. The distraught Jessie finally won a custody battle and was granted the right to see his puppies.
89. Electric Light Orchestra
"Can't Get It Out of My Head" 4:25
Eldorado, A Symphony
It was a sad day in the Wilson household. Their prize winning Terrier, Ruffles, was accepted into the University and leaving home to attend college. While they were proud of Ruffles and supported her education, their lifelong companion was a grown dog now. They held a going away party for her, and tearfully waved at her as the bus was departing. Ruffles vowed to return for the holidays and spring break, but the house felt empty without Ruffles around. Mother Wilson called Ruffles everyday to make sure she was doing OK, and often sent care packages with money, bones, chew toys, and table scraps.
88. The Doobie Brothers
"Black Water" 4:17
What Were Once Vices Are Now Habits
San Jose, CA
The first semester, Ruffles was sad and missed home. But she soon adjusted to college life and the bittersweet memories of the Wilson family were soon replaced with extensive studying and other school activities. Ruffles even met her future husband, Pabst, at a dorm party. It was her first ever dorm party and she, naturally, was intimidated by seeing the large unusual crowd.
Pabst was a junior while she was still a freshman and introduced her to numerous friends. Her fears and social anxiety subsided halfway through the song when Pabst jumped on the table and sang out, “I’d like to hear some funky Dixieland.” The other dogs, people, and other animals held up their beers and sang out in harmony for the rest of the song as Pabst strutted on his hind legs and led the vocals. Ruffles knew the song too, and felt as if she truly belonged with their merry bunch. She also experienced her first hangover, but laughed it off because she woke up next to Pabst. Mrs. Wilson was relieved to know she had used the doggie condoms that had replaced neutering.
87. Eric Clapton
"I Can't Hold Out" 4:14
461 Ocean Boulevard
Humans attempted to convert many of the animals to Christianity and had some success with dogs; the others not so well. Barbie the floppy eared spaniel was given the task to walk the neighborhood door-to-door and pass out pamphlets discussing the proper methods of Christianity and to save the souls of other animals.
Ted, the black and white tuxedo cat who had been fired from Pick ‘N’ Save was sitting at home working on the computer for improvements at his new job with Thomas Simpson when the doorbell rang. He did not wish to be bothered and answered the door already slightly agitated. When he opened the door, there was Barbie handing him a pamphlet. He glanced at the pamphlet and listened to her spiel about how he needs to find the Lord or else he is going to kitty hell. Once she was finished, he glanced at the pamphlet, glanced up at her, and said, “get the fuck out of here with that shit,” and slammed the door in her face.
86. Bob Seger
"U.M.C. (Upper Middle Class)" 3:17
Besides Christianity, several animals were not easily converted to the ploys of some humans—particularly cats and raccoons. However, these non-conformist animals allied with numerous human friends. Together, they questioned the standards of certain individuals, and the animals who had been converted. That lifestyle made little sense to animals as they questioned what exactly the plot of the conservative extremist was. They held a contest for conservatives to present them with a storyline set in their most ideal society. Unfortunately, none of the conservatives presented anything that was worth basing a movie upon, and instead parodies were made mocking their belief system; such as the Senator who was able to develop a massive surplus of money by cutting education—he became so stupid that he was swindled into spending all of the money on a war. Even more unfortunately, that particular story, written and directed entirely by left-wing cats and raccoons, was listed as “non-fiction.”
Carolina County Ball
New York/New Hampshire, US
The song is called “Happy,” the lyrics are bitterly happy, and the music is not cheerful at all. That’s the way the world goes sometimes. Such was the case with Mrs. Jenkins, who, unfortunately, most people considered a genuine prick. She was kind and pleasant to her cat Whiskers though, but not all love affairs swing both ways. Whiskers tried to tolerate Mrs. Jenkins the best that he could, but no longer needed to return home and lost most desire to—he only visited at her request. Mrs. Jenkins assumed he still lived there, still bought food and toys for him, and kept the litter box clean. However, Whiskers had not been home in days. Whenever she saw Whiskers on the street, he was happily interacting with other cats, raccoons, people who did not like Mrs. Jenkins, and other people who she hated.
Outside the window, Whiskers watched while a squirrel played the bass and a raccoon played drums. Inside the dining room, a bear played the piano which was followed up with a rabbit perched on the table offering a guitar solo.
Bitterly, Mrs. Jenkins gathered up all of Whisker’s toys and placed them in a bag. She emptied the litter box into the garbage and placed the box inside a large garbage bag. All of the cat food and treats were removed from the pantry and tossed into the bag. Mrs. Jenkins even took down all of the pictures of Whiskers and removed all items that potentially belonged to him. She tied up the garbage bag, briskly walked it to the dumpster, and disposed Whiskers from her life completely.
84. Gal Costa
"Até Quem Sabe" 3:45
It was a nice sunny day and Allison opened the window. She also opened the cage that contained Whisket her green parakeet. Bob the centipede was seated at the piano and played a sweet pleasant melody; Allison sat beside him and sang with the most beautiful singing voice.
The parakeet had never been outside, even after Allison encouraged him to do so. He gingerly stepped out onto the cage door and looked around; he attempted to say something but was ignored. Whisket the green parakeet flew down to the table and looked at the window then looked around. After building up the nerve, he flew to the windowsill and perched himself there momentarily looking outside. This was the closest he had ever been to the outside world and stood there contemplating what he always thought was impossible.
Something about this sweet song seemed to signify some sort of a freedom by means of saying goodbye to the things you had once found comfortable. Whisket looked back and saw the woman and centipede involved with the song, held back his tears as he waved his wing goodbye, and finally flew out the window. (No reason to be sad, he’d return an hour later—fucker needed to get out more).
83. Slapp Happy
"Slow Moon's Rose" 3:11
Cooper the cat finally asked Julie the human about her ex-boyfriend Stewart. She told him all about the break-up and what all that shit meant, but Cooper insisted that he wanted to see Stewart again.
So, Julie instructed Cooper how to create a Facebook account, took his photograph, and assisted with entering his various interests other things. And just like that, Cooper had his own Facebook account.
After an extensive search, Cooper found Stewart and added him as a friend. However, he was still unsure how this worked, and he assumed that they were now friends and could talk to each other. Julie explained to Cooper that he had to wait for Stewart to accept the friend request.
So, Cooper waited, staring at the computer, eagerly awaiting his friend to accept the request. She informed him that it might take awhile, but Cooper insisted that he was waiting. He stared at the screen and eventually fell asleep next to the computer, waking up about every 5-10 minutes to check and see if the request had been accepted.
82. Amon Düül II
"Liquid Whisper" 3:33
Once upon a time, Cooper was Stewart’s only friend. He did not miss Julie much, practically hated her, but frequently thought about Cooper. There was a time when Cooper needed to go to the vet for emergency surgery that required a prolonged stay, and Stewart went and visited him every day after work, sometimes staying until 2-3 in the morning—that’s how tight their friendship was. Stewart kept a picture of Cooper in his drawer. It had been 3 years since they had seen each other, and when Stewart saw the request that said Cooper wants to be friends on Facebook, coupled with the most recent picture of his old buddy, it made his day to the extreme that it brought tears of joy to his eyes. He gladly accepted the friendship request from who he still considered one of his top few all-time best friends.
81. Lady June
Plymouth, England (1931)-Deya, Spain (1999)
Cooper excitedly sprang from his slumber the moment he heard the indicator that his friendship had been accepted. Not even one minute passed before Cooper opened up the messenger for a chat session with his former best mate. The two quickly caught up with each other, having much to talk about, as the messenger screen displayed picture of cat: “there’s some crazy shit happening right?” aligned with picture of human: “yea no shit, what have you been up to?” After a quick messaging section, it dawned on them that they could actually talk to each other and exchanged phone numbers, though Stewart did not want Julie to know his number. Cooper called Stewart and immediately recognized his voice; this was the very first time Stewart ever heard the voice of a friend who a few years ago meant so much to him. The two agreed to get together soon.
80. Todd Rundgren
"I Think You Know" 3:05
Upper Darby, PA/Princeville, HI
That weekend, Cooper took a train to the city where Stewart lived. It was amazing how old friends could now unite. Stewart both laughed and cried when he saw Cooper emerging from the train station dragging a suitcase; last time he saw him this was deemed impossible. Cooper kept his composure well and was overjoyed to see his friend, although he contained it well. The two friends went out for food, talked, laughed about the old times; remember this, and how things are these days. These days, Cooper is actually doing much better than his human counterpart, who seems to be in a bit of a rut since the break-up, but doing fine otherwise. Afterwards, they just wanted to go back to Stewart’s place and chill out on the couch and watch a movie. Just as they wanted, Cooper sat on his lap and purred while Stewart scratched behind his ears.
79. Brian Eno
"The Fat Lady of Limbourg" 5:06
Taking Tiger Mountain (By Strategy)
Animal exploitation films become a popular commodity. Movies featuring bears sporting dark sunglasses, lions with giant afros for manes, gorillas in police suits, and drug dealing cats and raccoons were cult hits. Stylized action sequences, high speed car chases, and suave soundtracks highlighted the next wave of film noir. Fat animals often played the drug lords, and animals who could swiftly hold two guns at once were the notorious bad guys taken out by karate expert kangaroos.
"Run Come Rally" 7:41
Peace & Love
Many animals sought equality and civil liberties. It wasn’t just zebra and gazelles complaining about past oppression from lions and tigers; animals wanted the right to vote and interact in politics. They wanted equal rights, equal pay, equal benefits, and not be looked upon as objects. Most animals found it wrong when they were being described as a “who” Microsoft Word underlined the word with the red squiggly error indicator line suggesting using the word “that” instead, denoting object rather than person. Other people joined in on for the demonstrations and another civil rights movement began for animal rights. Believe it or not, there were still numerous people who degraded animals as 2nd class citizens and felt they should only be in the circus; some humans did not take the work of animals seriously as they sought to be more than just cute or feared as a savage.
77. Cockney Rebel
Downtown streets in urban cities such as New York had just as many animals as people lurking in the night. Millie the poodle had moved to New York with ambitions of being something more than what her pathetic town had to offer. She walked the streets all night in awe with what could be seen here and how differently this world was compared to Sheboygan. Groups of people and animals hanging out in front of the theaters smoking cigarettes. A dog and a person smoking crack in the alley. A female flamingo in a tight mini skirt standing on the corner, then getting into a car with tinted windows…only to return in minutes with smeared lipstick. Snakes and buzzards hanging out in front of the heavy metal club, wearing chains and spikes. She felt as if this was a scene out of Midnight Cowboy with all of these freaks, punks, and other various assortments running around—she never felt more at home…this was where she belonged.
Auf Der Bahn Zum Uranus
Once upon a time, snakes ate hamsters. However, since the remarkable film The Runner, they represent a rare predator/prey species to fully get along. Charlie collaborated with a python named Archie Weberstekliwicz to create yet another terrifying art film. This movie explored the fears that people still had with certain animals, and the paranormal unknown as to what caused this communication phenomenon to occur. What if one day it suddenly stopped?
Certain species would cross the street or relocate to another section of a store simply in the presence of another species. Lions made people uncomfortable. They had a difficult struggle in life; nobody perceived them as equals…people were either overly kind or heightened security with one of them near. Many lions were jailed for no reason. When they would be released, they suffered from the discrimination they faced; yet people feared their rage.
Nightmarish images of walking down an alleyway in the dark, seeing glowing eyes, then surrounded by a pack of lions, tigers, leopards, gorillas, or even worse, Aunt Mary. Being surrounded by these creatures induced fear, panic, yet all of them were attempting to be friendly…even Aunt Mary who bore a freakish smile as she handed the stranger in the alley some of the stale butter cookies she made. A group of snakes played instruments, made some bizarre noise, and ripped into a guitar solo.
Most people thought this movie did not make one bit of sense. Those who did thought it was the best movie ever.